Is there life after a marriage split up?

[Redtom]

Hi,

I don’t really know where to start so I think it is best to begin when she decided enough was enough. It was two months ago, I had my work Christmas dinner and had called her the night of it saying that I was not going to be out late and would be home by eleven. I ended up coming home at seven the next morning having not called to let her know I was OK or when I was coming home. When I did eventually make it back still drunk, she was reading a story to our five year old son in his bed. I went straight to bed as was feeling terrible and was in no state to communicate. She came into the bedroom and told me it was over. This may seem a drastic reaction but there had been warnings in the past that she was unhappy not with just me coming home late drunk but that she was unable to trust me and could not respect me anymore. I had made mistakes in the past with small white lies which I did as a way of protecting her but they spiraled out of control and she could not trust me. I was going to therapy at her request although I believed it was a waste of time and money. It helped but it was too late by then.

I moved out the morning I came home after my Christmas party totally devastated and unable to stop crying at what I had done and what I was losing. I have two children and the thought of not being with them was tearing me apart. I have moved in with my sister and her boyfriend and have been with them for the last two months and they have been a tremendous support. I cannot tell you how much it hurts being without my wife whom I adore beyond words and my children. I want her back but know that I have caused too much hurt for her to give it another go.

She wants to sell our house and find somewhere smaller for her and the children. We are on amicable terms and I have access to the children at the weekends so things could be worse. I want her back but know there is a very slim chance of that happening. I have to look at myself and see where I went wrong and how I can improve myself as I know I must get that right before making others happy. The hurt hasn’t really lessened in the two months I moved out and find myself sobbing at the loss several times a day. I know this may seem weak but the thought of spending the rest of my life without her is too horrible a thought to contemplate.

I also think that she has found a shoulder to cry on in another man which is crushing me but I cannot blame her really. I just have to show her that I am the man she married 3 years ago and did love once and that I can be that man again.

Any words of advice would be massively appreciated.

I have never done this before so not sure what to expect by posting this on here.

[Raymond]

Getting drunk can affect ones behaviour in a negative way and seems to be the problem in my view. If you can fix this there may be hope for your marriage. It's obviously got a control on you and must have affected your relationship with your wife. Saying one will be home at eleven and turning up in the small hours instead, totally drunk, would not inspire confidence in a wife. One can drink in moderation but getting drunk can affect a marriage negatively. Unless you are prepared to sort this problem what new thing would you be offering her?

I would look at that angle and discuss it with her. Obviously some changes need to be made to win back that trust assuming she will give you that chance.

Raymond

[Redtom]

Thanks for your reply Raymond. And yes you are absolutely right about the drinking. I am not an alcoholic but whenver I do go out which is fairly rarely, i do not know when to stop. I stopped drinking completely for two months and have only just started again but in moderation. The drinking was only one aspect of her mistrust, I don't think I really engaged in the marriage and buried my head in the sand when things got difficult. I work long hours and have a three hour round trip commute so i wasn't around at home as much as I would have liked. I rarely put my children in the bath and read them bedtime stories during the week. I also feel that come the weekend I probably didn't help out with things like the cooking due to being so tired. I didn't just sit around but could have been more of a support to her on the domestic front. I know I had my faults and I am working on to enable me to become a better person. I need to take tyhe iniative more, I didn't organise nights out for my wife and I and didn't think of her enough. Bringing up two children is incredibly hard work especially when your husband is away at work.

I don't know whether it is too late or not to get back with her but I will do everything I can to get her back although I know this is going to be the long game.

[dave123]

Hi Redtom,

To answer your question yes there is life after a marriage breakdown. Since my marriage break up in November i have been amazed that through counseling, talking to friends, posting on here just how common it is. You are not alone!

You still sound very raw and emotional about it all, so good on you for getting your story on here. Just writing it out is a release in itself, and admitting to your own flaws is the first part of fixing them and moving on with your life.

The only advice i can give you is to be good to yourself, rely on your sister as much as you can, talk to friends and family if you feel you can be open and honest with them, posting on here has helped me no end and the kind words of support from people have really gotten me through some very dark days and nights. Time will tell if you can find the real you, and if your wife chooses to see those changes then there is a chance. However, waiting for that to happen will eat you up. It sounds like there have been problems for a while, and no doubt you both have dealt with them badly otherwise you wouldn't be here. Don't blame yourself, marriage is 50/50 and so is a break up. Could you try counseling again on your own? Initially i went in the hope that my wife would see my effort and come too. That didn't happen but i am still going, and despite the cost, it really helped me to cope initially and is now giving me the tools to start again towards a better and happier life.

With regard to the drinking that Ray has questioned it sounds like you have been bottling up problems and release them on a night out through negative behaviour. Your situation sounds an awful lot like mine, long hours, ignoring problems, not enough family time, young children and a fairly short marriage (so far). Recognising these problems is good, if you have a dialogue with your wife then admitting you recognise these issues might be a start. Speak to her or write her a letter even if she doesn't respond positively at least you know you tried.

Take care, keep posting,

Dave

[Redtom]

Wow, thank you Dave. I cannot tell you how much that means to me. It’s good to know that there are others out there who can empathise with what I am going through. I have realised that I had been making one too many sacrifices for my wife, moving out to the country to be near her family and friends, working long hours so she could give up work and be at home with the children and it has suddenly hit me that it was making me unhappy. What good am I to her if I am unhappy! I had moved away from my friends and family to ensure that she got she wanted. Please don’t get me wrong, where we live is beautiful and because of the children I wanted to move out of the city and be somewhere the children could grow up in safety and run around the fields and do what children should. I love where we live but I felt I was sacrificing my life to accommodate hers.

You are right in saying that I had been bottling things up and releasing them on a night out was probably what I was doing. We had stopped communicating with each other and that led to problems accumulating and then being blown out of proportion leading to resentment and anger.

Breaking up with my wife might just be the kick up the backside I needed. I am determined to get her back but have to show her that things need to change, not just me but her as well.

I am unsure how to broach the subject of whether she is with another man. Would you or anyone else have any thoughts on this and how I go about the whole situation as I need to know because it is playing on my mind the whole time. It would also have a major impact on how our relationship moves forward.

[dave123]

Hi again,

Sounds like you are really having a good look at everything having had this massive kick up the backside. That was exactly how i felt, and i have used it to really push myself forward. I hope you can turn this negative situation into something positive in the long run. Whether that is on your own or back with the Mrs.

I'm not sure how you should go about broaching the subject with your wife. What you think might be an affair might just be her relying on a friend. A stay at home mum with two young children would find it hard to have time to have an affair i think. Just my opinion though! Weigh up how much you need to know against what the worst possible outcome could be? If she has moved on how will it help you to know?

The most important thing you can do is clearly and honestly let her know how you feel about yourself and her and what your future could and should be. Then let go. It's only when you stop trying to control the situation that you can begin to move on. She might come back, but you can't make her. Be a bit more selfish, look after number 1, have as much fun as you can when you can and let life happen.

Take care,

Dave

[Redtom]

Wise words Dave, thank you for your guidance. I know that you have been through as equally a troubling time so to hear it from you, provides greater clarity to moving forward. I am finding it difficult to just let go and let things take their course. I cannot imagine life without her and thinking she is with someone else is tearing me apart. I know there is nothing I can really do about what she is doing and you are right in saying that confronting her could prove to be a big mistake. But if I am to move on, I need to know. I am also concerned that she has sold her engagement ring. She says she hasn’t but she will not show it to me. If she has sold it, this is as a clear a sign as I am going to get that she believes that there is no way back for us. I am stuck in a huge predicament as how I deal with this. It is tough to just accept this and not confront her. I know by confronting her I could very easily exacerbate the situation and make her angry and undo the fact that we are on amicable terms at the moment. She is the gatekeeper to my children and by confronting her with what is only circumstantial beliefs at the moment, I could be endangering my access to them. I am in a huge quandary!

I am taking a leaf out of your book Dave and trying to do as much as I can. I have joined the gym, meeting up with old friends and arranging to go abroad to see my best friend who lives in Brussels whom I have not been out to see since I go married three years ago! I am going to learn another language and also toying with going back to university through a evening course.

I am also thinking of going back to see my therapist to try and get my head in a better place. I cannot really afford it but know it will be beneficial in the long run.

Thanks
Redtom

[Raymond]

I think Dave can help you a lot here Redtom, but I still think you ought to try and relate to your wife and investigate what went wrong and what can be done about it. It is worth a try in my view. I think you have grown apart through lack of input into the marriage. This could be reversed. You don't have to be a slave. It's about your relationship with her. A marriage needs working on sometimes. A woman needs to feel loved for who she is, not necessarily because of what she does. Don't we all need that?

Her love tank is empty. Are you able to fill it and fill yours at the same time? It surely is worth a try.

Raymond

[Redtom]

Thanks Raymond. I suppose I took a lot of things in my marriage for granted and thought we were happy to just go along as we were. I know I made some big mistakes but I felt I wasn’t a bad husband. I love her but I probably didn’t show that enough. I would tell her most days I love her but I suppose actions speak louder than words. I knew she was unhappy but buried my head in the sand and thought things would be OK. How wrong I was!
Her love tank was empty and I stood by and watched the needle move into the red and did nothing about it. If anything is come of this horrendous situation, it has taught me to get involved in life more and not hide away from the issues that matter and let others deal with them. I probably put too much dependence on our livelihoods and marriage on her shoulders and didn’t properly fathom that a marriage doesn’t work unless everything is 50/50.

I want her back so much but I know that until I deal with my own issues, I am no good to her and bring nothing new to the marriage. Whether I have left this all too late, remains to be seen but I will do whatever is in power to get there.
I am finding everyday a slog as I cannot see anything great about my future. I will soon be homeless when she sells the house, as she has said she will need to in order to find somewhere smaller for her and the children. I will have to look to rent somewhere small until I am in a position to afford somewhere to buy!

[Raymond]

You have time to work on it Redtom. If you confess to her what you have just confessed on here that would be a great start. I know there are good things you have done but a letter or conversation acknowledging your failures of certain neglects may be a good start. This make take some time to work through to her. You will not get immediate responses but you may get a chance to change her perceptions gradually and to realise you want to do better.

What do you think her love language is?

Words of Affirmation? Quality Time? Receiving Small Gift (to let her know you were thinking of her)? Acts of Service? Physical Touch?

One of these will be her main love language. If that was missing she may not have perceived love in a personal way and her tank may be empty.

It is worth thinking about. We all have a main love language whether we realise it or not. Just a little thing to try. If you find out what it is don't rush in with it. Wait for the opportunity. Timing is everything.

My wife's main language was touch (not on sex just now) but I never hugged her or held her hand. She was the proactive one in this and longed that I would reciprocate. When I gradually learned that, a big barrier was dealt with in our marriage. So it is worth finding out if you can.

Sometimes you can find out by noticing what they do. We usually love in our own language because that's what we like. For instance if someone loves little gifts they would tend to express their love in this way, when what is needed more is expressing the love in the other person's love language. It just has to be learned. The love is bothering to learn.

Raymond

[Raymond]

As a matter of interest Redtom what reason did she give for the breakup?

Raymond

[jools]

Dear Redtom
I'm sure that you are remorseful but I sense someone still making excuses in your post.
I was not going to be out late and would be home by eleven. I ended up coming home at seven the next morning having not called to let her know I was OK or when I was coming home. When I did eventually make it back still drunk, she was reading a story to our five year old son in his bed. I went straight to bed as was feeling terrible and was in no state to communicate. You say all this like it's no big deal. That poor woman!there had been warnings in the past that she was unhappy not with just me coming home late drunk but that she was unable to trust me and could not respect me anymore.Why had she lost trust and respect? I think there's a lot you're not telling us.I had made mistakes in the past with small white lies which I did as a way of protecting her but they spiraled out of control and she could not trust me. "White" lies? You mean "lies" --- and to "PROTECT" her? How condescending! You mean to protect yourself! I'm not wanting to be mean here; but unless you're honest with yourself you'll never get her back.I was going to therapy at her request although I believed it was a waste of time and money. It helped but it was too late by then. What does that mean? Therapy for the booze?

This post is littered with "poor me" type comments about how often you've sobbed, how long you've sobbed for and the depths of your distress. The sorriest note in all of this for me is the image of this poor woman who's husband hasn't come home all night and not even called and yet she sits there reading a story to her small child in the early morning (maybe to comfort him). I went straight to bed as was feeling terribleAgain - poor you! Look - I know what i'm saying might make you angry - but I just want you to see that it's her who deserves the consideration. The drinking was only one aspect of her mistrust, So were you unfaithful?I have realised that I had been making one too many sacrifices for my wife, REALLY?working long hours so she could give up work and be at home with the children Surely you were both doing what was best for the children? No, Redtom. You are in denial. There's not a note of sympathy for your wife in any of this. It's all about your feelings and what you want. Sorry if this upsets you but I thinkl you need to take this on board in order to see what actually went wrong.
Jools

[dave123]

Hi,

Jools has posted some very harsh truths on here.

In reading through them Tom only you will know how true they are and could probably use them in some way to see how and why your wife was angry and moved enough to end the marriage. From an outsiders perspective we can see both sides of this, and can try to empathise with you because you are the one on here opening up and asking for help, comfort and advice. From my own experience seeing my counselor has actually been such a positive thing through this life changing event. An impartial non-judgemental professional will be able to provide better advice than me. If you invest some time and a little money now and use this event as a starting point to build a new life then that investment will be worth it in 6 months, 2 years and for the rest of your and your childrens lives. You and they deserve to have a happy, fulfilled Tom!

I am more than happy to be here for people to listen read and help each other through some bad times, as much as i can! I owe a debt for all the help i have had on here....

Keep posting, and really do try to be as positive as possible. I had a truly awful 30 mins tonight when i dropped off my son. I honestly felt like i was back to square 1, but i coped, put it behind me and still had a good evening for a friends birthday (plus Indian takeaway). You can do the same.

Take care,

Dave

[Redtom]

Dear Jools,

Thank you for your posting, I read it last night several times and it upset me a great deal and was unable to sleep but what you said made a lot of sense. Maybe I haven’t been totally honest with you all on here so please let me set the record straight:

I am not an alcoholic, I rarely drink more than a couple of glasses of wine but every few months I will go out and lose the plot. I think it is some form of escape, escape from how unfulfilled I am and how much I feel I am a let down. I do not know when to stop and that is my problem. The night I went out after my Christmas party, I got stuck in London and because all the trains to where I live had stopped for the night, I was unable to get home. My wife called me at about 2.30am and told me to get in a taxi and come home but I was drunk and refused to get a cab that was going to cost over £100 to get me home. I decided to sit outside the train station until 6.30am until the first train home was to leave. I shouted at my wife on the phone because I was unhappy with our relationship and being a stubborn mule I refused to pay the money and get in the cab. I also knew that we have little money so spending £100 on a taxi was far too extravagant. In hindsight, I should have got in the cab.

You ask why she had lost trust and respect, well the not knowing when to stop drinking was a small part of it. I had a very good job a couple of three or four ago but I was fed up with it so after looking for over six months, I found a great job which I interviewed for. I got the job but due to an error I had put on my CV, they turned me down the day before I was due to start. I had of course already left my previous job. I was without a job for over six months and struggled to get one. I did eventually but it had put such a strain on us at such a critical time in our lives. We were trying for another baby and unsurprisingly we struggled to conceive. She did eventually become pregnant and we now have a beautiful little girl. But maybe it was the children that were keeping us together. Maybe the damage was done and was irreversible!

I also hit the wing mirror of another car driving home one evening and I didn’t tell my wife the truth that I had hit someone. She found out what happened through a letter the person I hit had sent me and the receipt of the repair bill. She was naturally angry and upset that I hadn’t just told her the truth in the first place.

I have learnt a harsh lesson here but you are right Jools, I was protecting myself from getting in trouble.

I have had a tough childhood in respect that my father walked out on my mother when I was five because he was having an affair with another woman. I haven’t seen him for over twenty years. Maybe I hadn’t realised what a major impact this had had on me and how I related to others close to me. I have always been the one to walk way from tough situations and maybe this is a self-defence mechanism. I need to front up to problems more and shoulder the responsibility rather than burying my head in the sand and hoping the situation will go away or will be forgotten.

Jools, I have never cheated on my wife and never would. Loving her was never the problem. I also fancy her like crazy but maybe I wasn’t demonstrative enough and take the lead in commitment. I very very rarely instigated sex. This wasn’t because I didn’t want to, of course I did but it was the fear of rejection! I know this is a deep rooted issue but through the therapy I was attending, I was trying to deal with the issues I have mentioned above.

What I have told you has been a big thing for me. And yes there are issues I have to address. And yes, I didn’t consider my wife enough and what her feelings were and how she was coping with bringing up two small children. I know how tough that is and because I wasn’t enough of a support, I let her down.

I do not blame her for splitting up with me but I feel I deserve the opportunity to show her I can be the man she fell in love with. I want to be there for her, love her, support her, emotionally and physically but maybe I have left it too late and been given too many chances by her to take me back. I have a lot of growing up to do and your message although it was tough to take a first, struck home that I wasn’t meeting her in the middle. I have hurt her and that is what is driving me on, to show her that I can amend my previous ways.

Jools, please let me know what you think as I value your opinion.

[Raymond]

Whilst you are waiting for Jools to reply Redtom. I think you have written a brilliant post shouldering the blame for some of the things that happened. I hope you convey this to your wife.

Sounds like you suffer from rejection because of your father. That is understandable but you shouldn't be bound by it. All human beings have core worth because they are human beings, so try and accept yourself. I was shoved in an orphanage as a baby through my parents divorcing so I have lived with rejection up until the time I came to christ. The acceptance by God put paid to rejection forever, although in general life everyone is subject to a bit of it, but one musn't let it take root as it is very destructive. People respond in one or two ways. One they clam up and don't show their real selves, living a lie. (After all the real me will not be accepted) Two they kick out and rebel against the world, rejecting people before they reject them. (It's everyones fault).

Raymond

[Redtom]

My wife has just sent me a text message to say that she has three estate agents coming round next Tues to value the house. Although I knew this was coming, I am finding this really upsetting that the family home is going on the market. This will be a huge thing to deal with and I do not know what to do? I am really struggling to come to terms with the fact that when the house is sold, my wife and I will longer share any common ground. I do not know how my five year old son is going to deal with this either. There seems to be a great deal of finality to it all and I am losing any kind of control. It's hitting home that I am going to be living on my own from now on.

[dave123]

Hello,

Sounds pretty tough for you at the moment. Take a bit of time to let the news sink in. Did you discuss this with your wife? it is still your house and i presume you are still paying the mortgage?

Letting go of control is probably the hardest part of this process. If she has truly decided it is over then you are going to have to do it at some point. The sooner you can, the sooner you can move on. If fate or your changes/actions cause something to change in her and there is some hope then you would be able to start again in a new house or new location. I guess as it stands you'd be happy to have her back wherever that happened to be?

There are some really good books about separate families, and Relate have leaflets all about it. (I sound like a Relate spokesperson don't i?). Your son will no doubt be affected by this one way or another. It's up to you as a parent to make yourself happy so the he has a happy Dad and a good role model to look up to. It's not the way you planned life but it can still be good. It needs to be for all the kids from separate families, of which now there are many. My best mate is a head of yr 8 at a very good school and he says about 1/2 the kids have divorced/separated families so you guys are not the only one's in this boat.

Any chance you can imagine a positive future where when you have your son you're a great Dad, and when you don't you live life as a bachelor to the full? That's what i'm trying to do, and most of the time it's pretty good...

Take care,

Dave

[Raymond]

Dave is right. Be prepared for the worst. I don't know what the chances are in saving your marriage. You knew this was coming but it is still a shock. If you can get around to communicating what you have said to us I still think it might help. It is a shot in the dark but you never know.

Raymond

[Redtom]

Hello all,

A few days since I lasted posted on here. Have been away with work which has been a good distraction. Went home on Friday night to stay the weekend with the wife (in the spare room naturally!) and the children. Had a great weekend although she went out for most of it but we did chat alot and things went well. I gave the best of me, I was helpful, considerate, run round all weekend with the children. We both laughed and hugged and it was nice. We are getting on well which is really helping the whole process and making things easier for the children. I of course, still miss her desperately and want her back but know there is much to do to try and convince her it is the right thing to do. I am looking after myself in the meantime as an important part of all that is happening, is to improve myself and ensure that I am a stronger and better person not just for me but for my wife and children.

Although all this went well, I still have this nagging suspicion that there is someone else. I know there is nothing I can do about this. I just have to show her that I am the right man and be the best of what I am.

I am signing up to Relate as I think I can get a lot out of it and will really help me move forward.

Please keep posting on here as comments posted on here have really helped me.

[Raymond]

Now is when you have the time to look at the points or the reasons she gave for the seperation. If you can address them and she knows you have, there may be hope.

Nobody is wanting Mr Perfection but there will be certain things that have become too much for her and you will know what those things are.

It will be much better for the children to have their father with them also.

Raymond

[Redtom]

Jools – I don’t know whether you had a chance to read my reply back to the comments you posted last week. I have just read the posting you left for “Sheila” and it seems that what I wrote might have struck a nerve. I apologise for this. I know I made mistakes but none of them were deliberate and I never deliberately meant to cause my wife any form of emotional pain. I know I was not the best husband in the world and took my eye off the ball when it came to what my priorities were. I didn’t make enough effort to ensure my wife knew she had my full support. I was just happy to let life drift by instead of grabbing it by the scruff of the neck and taking control. Whatever happens in the future with my wife and I, I have learnt an incredibly valuable lesson. I love my wife to distraction and although I told her I loved her, I was more of an emotional drain than support. She was the strong one and I let her down by not exuding the strength and confidence she needed. I am exorcising the demons that put me in that position in the first place and am doing whatever I can to prove to her and myself that I can be the strength she and my children need.

Raymond – as always thank you for your comments, always constructive and helpful.

[dave123]

Hi Redtom,

Good for you for taking a clear look at how you have ended up here. Whatever happened it's important to remember that this is not all your fault. For your wife to notice these changes will take time and hopefully will encourage her to look at herself too. Also, try to remember that hindsight is good, but you only have it now that something terrible has happened. Wishing you could have been different will do you no good. (I still do it though from time to time).

The future is all we can do anything about...

Take care,

Dave

P.S. I hope you get into Relate quickly and get as good a counselor as i have had. It has helped massively, both with coping with the loss and now looking forward to the future.

[Redtom]

Hello!

I spoke to my wife last night as she has had three estate agents around to value the home. Naturally, the value of the property is substantially less than she was hoping to put it on for. She is angry about this and took it out on me. She is looking at other options in order to get out of any financial obligation to me. I pay the mortgage and am the only bread winner in the family. She then went on to say that she wants me to sign a “separation agreement”. We only split up two months ago and it seems she is pushing to get everything resolved as quickly as possible. I am taking this as a very clear sign that she regards this marriage as over. Can someone tell me what a “separation agreement” is and what the implications of signing it are? My head is spinning; I cannot believe she is moving so fast on all this. After last weekend, I thought there was a small glimmer of hope for us but it seems she does not feel that way at all.

I am angry, upset and do not know what to do next. Please can someone offer some advice as to what they think is the next move for me or what I should do.

Thanks and hope everything is ok
Redtom

[jools]

Hi Redtom
Please don't apologise to me - you've no need to. I'm sorry I didn't reply but I really couldn't think of anything else to add. It sounds as though your wife is very determined and I doubt whether there's much you can do now. I reckon things must have got pretty bad for her to act as quickly and decisively as she has. I think Dave summed it up well...
Also, try to remember that hindsight is good, but you only have it now that something terrible has happened. Wishing you could have been different will do you no good. (I still do it though from time to time).

The future is all we can do anything about...

I suppose the question is whether we really learn from mistakes. I suspect most of us eventually slip back into our old ways - but who am I to say? You just have to look to the future - and for that, I wish you luck.
Jools X