Help!

[Bubble]

Hi there,

I am new here, but reading some of the posts has really helped me start to deal with my situation........ Its a long story but will try to keep it concise.

Three weeks ago I found out that my partner of 12 years has been seeing another woman. Not surprisingly it was someone from work.

He does not have the best history - he has admitted kissing other women on two seperate occasions. But this was several years ago, and I thought we had moved on. 18 months ago we seperated because he was unsure about marriage and children, but then he came back saying that he could not live without me and wanted to be with me.

Needless to say I was devastated to find out about the other woman. He moved out back to his parents. He told me that he had finished things with her, as she didn't mean anything to him - he just liked the attention and the 'excitement' of a new relationship.

Although we are not together I harboured hope that we could sort it out together. We went to Relate the week after I found out, where he said that he could not be with me because he could not promise to be faithful and that he just wants me to be happy. He then moved out permenantly.

Then followed several calls where he gave me mixed messages - saying I still love you and can't imagine being with anyone else. He said he was going to Relate, and I spoke to him 2 days ago when he said he had been to his first session and found it useful. He said he wanted to work on his feelings - why he was unfaithful to me, why he always needs attention and why he messed up such a great relationship.

This left me hopeful, but ready to move on and focus on myself. Then of course I found out that he is still seeing the other woman...... When I confronted him he said that he did stop seeing her, but then got lonely so started texting her. He has since seen her again.

I told him to come and clear out his things from out flat that same day. Such a hard day....... Again he gave mixed messages. Said that he can't believe he messed up. That we could have had something amazing if only he had put in 100%. That he still loves me...... But he didn't deny that he will keep seeing the other woman, although he did say that she is just a bit of fun.

Theres lots more detail to this, but this is long enough! Basically we are over. He said he will continue to go to Relate and that I should move on. I am left with such mixed feelings - one minute I can't bear the thought of being without him and fantasise about him coming back. Then my head kicks in and I think no, I need to pull myself together - why would I want to be with someone who cheats and who isn't sure about marriage after 12 years together?!!

I guess my question is how can I get over him? I have been with him since I was 18 and am going to be 30 this year and feel like my world has ended.

Sorry this post is so long. Any words on comfort gratefully recieved :0)

[wscreate]

Hi Bubble. I'm sorry to hear about your painful experience. I too have had an unfaithful spouse who cheated on me. That marriage ended in divorce (my choice). I was 18 when I married her and 24 when I left and divorced her. In short, I was young and she was too. She was also a bad person at that time in her life, extremely selfish and somewhat mean spirited. I'm not saying I was perfect, but in this case, compared to her at that time, I was a saint.

In my case, I sought spiritual guidance (I'm a Christian). I found that the book of Matthew condones divorce in case of infidelity and that was all I needed to know. I am not the type of person who can withstand a cheating spouse. There is too much hurt to get over and I know from experience that once trust is gone, so is my devotion to the other. I know some can withstand infidelity, but I could not.

Now for the good news.

30 years old is not "old". I met my current wife at age 29 (I'm on my 2nd marriage and working hard to make it my last). She was 33 years old at the time and she is, by far, the prettiest woman I ever dated. We married 6 years later (I was timid about marriage after my first one). She is, to this day, my best friend and I am deeply in love with her.

There are good men out there who are trustworthy and faithful. I have never cheated on my wife nor did I cheat on my ex-wife. I have had opportunities with both but I withstood the temptation and separated myself from it. With luck and patience, you too can find a devoted man for your partner.

The long and short of it is... the pain "will" go away. The longing to be with him "will" go away. Time does heal old wounds. I can imagine the pain you are feeling and I feel for you. But, keep your chin up. Don't get down on yourself. Remain hopeful.

I wish you the best of God's blessings.

B.

[Ageing Grace]

Ouch, Bubble!

I've been almost exactly where you are (at 12 years, too!) ... and kicked him into touch, though staying together was an option. Which prompts my first question: are you really over? Or, if he jumped through enough hoops, would you have him back? Would he jump??

Then my head kicks in and I think no, I need to pull myself together - why would I want to be with someone who cheats and who isn't sure about marriage after 12 years together?!!

Your head's right, you know :rolleyes: ... unless what you have together - in terms of friendship, joint social life, wordly goods, etc - is so great that you could live with his cheating. A lot of couples do decide that way. I couldn't, but it's not in itself a wrong choice; just one that's best made with eyes wide open.

Your actual question was: How do I get over it?

My answers are the same ones all your girl friends have given ... Change stuff, and enjoy it :D

If you're not an exercise addict, join the most expensive health club you can afford and use it daily. Get a new hairstyle. Change the way you dress. Redecorate. Travel! Go back to whatever you loved in your teens - art, music, dance, ponies? - and see if you still love it. Be self-indulgent. Eat salad & crisps with your fingers, in front of a romcom on TV, with your feet on the table. Join a book club and/or a film club; broaden your horizons. If you're a clubber, go out on your own, purely to dance by yourself for four hours. Sleep star-shaped in a double bed ;) It's not so bad!

One other little thing I find helpful (but you might not like): have one inappropriate shag. Just so he's no longer the last person you slept with.

Salad with your fingers takes some beating though.

Good luck - and have fun!
btw, 30 is so not old!!!
AG

[Bubble]

Dear B and AG,

Thank you so much for your kind replies..........

Its just so hard. Friends and family know that we have split, but I have only told two close girl friends about him cheating. I don't know why I am still protecting him. Just can't bear the thought of everyone knowing, especially my family who really loved him.

I feel the constant urge to call him - not knowing what he is doing (ie, if he is with her) is making me feel sick. But I know that if I call him I will probably just feel worse afterwards. I think the only way to really move forward is to not have any contact? Our mutual friend is having her baby christened next Sunday. He offered not to go if it would be too hard for me. Part of me wants to tell him not to come, but the other part wants to see him (and make sure I am looking fab!). But maybe it will just set me back? Either way I have decided that after that I am going to try and cut contact for at least a month.

AG - interesting question about if I would take him back....... I'd like to think no, but also part of me just wants him to come grovelling back. We did have a lot of good stuff - lots of common interests, friendship groups, similar ethical/political views etc. It makes it harder, because we did have so much good in our relationship. But I'm not naiive, there was bad too - lack of time together due to his job, lack of shared vision for the future. Also I think a lot of our problems probably stem from us getting together so young. I don't know, my head is just a mess.

[Ageing Grace]

Thanks for your reply, Bubble.

It is hard. Telling other people the truth feels hideous, not least because you're scared of seeming like you've failed ... and of feeling inadequate because he cheated. I'd let it out if I were you. For one thing, everyone who loves you will be righteously indignant on your behalf (so you'll feel well supported) - and, for another, some people have probably guessed & will be tremendously relieved it's come out in the wash.

A very important factor in telling people is this: you DO deserve better treatment than he gave you ... but, right now, it may feel hard to believe. The more your friends & family tell you so, the quicker it will sink in!

lack of shared vision for the future. Also I think a lot of our problems probably stem from us getting together so young

Very much so, I imagine. The lack of shared vision would have resulted in massive problems later.

Personally I'd ask him to stay away from the christening; it's too soon & you're likely to be on edge the whole time, when you ought to be relishing the company of friends. Leave the 'making him regret it' act until the summer - there's bound to be a wedding or something then - when you'll be in fine fettle and more gorgeous than gorgeous itself!

It's so awful when all your hopes have just walked out the door. I feel for you. Most times, the grief we feel is more for the love we thought we had; the future we wished for ... rather than the individual himself, and our reality with him. Your hopes & dreams, of course, are yours alone and still intact. You can cherish them, and get to work on making them happen.

Very best wishes,
AG

[Bubble]

An update.........

I am 11 days into 'no contact' with him. I'm proud of myself for this, but its so hard. Neither of us went to the christening in the end. I had actually decided not to go because I don't feel ready to see all my friends, then found out through another friend that he wasn't going.

I feel exhausted by my roller coastering emotions. Some days I am ok, and then I crash again. Sometimes all I can think about is him coming back, and how good it was. But then eventually my common sense comes back, and I think about how unlikely it would be that he could make me trust him and I deserve better.

Since I have decided not to contact him he has text me 4 times - initially to 'check I am ok' and then yesterday to say that he has been thinking about me and is missing me.

I have such mixed feelings about this - part of me gets comfort from that fact that he texts me. It feels like he is thinking of me. As far as I am aware he is still seeing the other woman, so it makes me think that things can't be that great if he is texing me. But then my head kicks in and I have to remind myself that this is probably just his way of keeping me hanging on.

Should I reply and ask him not to contact me at all? I'm not sure I am ready for this step yet....... But is getting texts from him holding me back? We will have to talk anyway at some point to talk about the flat.

[Redtom]

Hi Bubble, hope you are OK. You are doing the right thing by remaining strong and clearly stating that what he has done is totally unacceptable and until he is prepared to amend his ways, there is no way you will contact him. I know it must be desperately hard because you love him but will must remain resolute. He is looking for some form of acceptance from you that you and him will patch it up even if he carries on as before. He needs to demonstrate to you that he is prepared to do whatever it takes to get you back. Carrying on seeing another woman is not evidence of this.

You must look after yourself and remind yourself that you are a fabulous person and he is a fool for not realising that!

Best of luck and take care
Redtom

[Sheila]

Hi Bubble
Our situations are very similar.
I have had a good day today, but know I could be crying again any minute.
Sometimes it almost feels as if I have a burning in my stomach, its a horrible feeling and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
My husband has text me a couple of times today, once to say he is sad and missing me and the other to ask how did we get to this stage. I did reply to each one, but I bet he is texting in secret - would he really be telling her he is texting his wife - I doubt it.
I wished I could be strong and not text back. Its almost like he is keeping me hanging on. I know eventually he will realise he has made a mistake and when he does, I'm worried that I am going to be at a vulnerable stage and have him back. I do still love him, its early days and I do miss him.
Still as each day passes I'm sure I will get stronger and hope that you will too. We both deserve better than this.
I hope you are able to sleep tonight, and I hope you have a good day tomorrow. Keep in touch
xx

[JWD]

Dear B and AG,


I feel the constant urge to call him -

It's so hard not to call isn't it. Then you feel worse when you do. I set myself a little task today of not even mentioning anything when H came in. Was desperate to aks stuff but just took myself to bed.

I don't know why your husband thinks he can treat you like this. Don't know why mine does. Maybe because we keep letting them. I really don't know. I hope you find strength not to chase him. You deserve better because you're a good person. Take care x

[Sheila]

How are things today Bubble?
xx

[Bubble]

Hi Sheila,

Thanks for asking...... Sorry for the slow reply, I have been away at my parents for a long weekend. I thought it would be a nice relaxing time, but I underestimated all the memories caught up at home (my ex and I are from the same town). Plus my parents wanted to talk to me about things..... In a nice way (ie, how can we support you), but still hard. Its my own fault for not telling them the truth, but I just can't face that yet...

I still haven't contacted him. Its been 3 weeks. Since then he has texted me every 3/4 days - asking how I am and saying that he misses me and thinks of me. And the weirdest thing was he sent me a valentines card!!! Saying how he was thinking of me and I will always be his one and only valentine. What the hell?!!!!

So now its Sunday night and I am feeling pretty down. Its just so exhausting trying to find my way through my feelings. In the space of half an hour I can go from never wanting to see him again, to wanting him to come back so much it hurts. Today I have been thinking about the good times, and also what could have been..... Deep down I know I still have hopes that we will get back together. But then I get angry at myself for thinking that after all he has done. Its so tiring, I wish I could just turn my brain off and not think about it at all!

I know I am going to have to talk to him at some point re the flat. Part of me thinks maybe I should contact him to get some answers - ie. is he still seeing her? And going to counselling? Then again, it shouldn't matter to me should it because I need to move on?

[JWD]

This is so awful for you. For what it's worth, I don't think you should contact him. He will be wondering why you're not texting him all the time and that's good.

Just try, try, try hold off.

Please stay strong x

[Ageing Grace]

Hello again, Bubble

It's easy to see things like the Valentine and texts as evil game-playing ... or, if not that, as a signal for reconciliation. Your ex doesn't sound like either a psycho or a wimp, so I think your explanation is the normal one - albeit, in some ways, harder to take. When you have loved & shared your life with someone for 12 years, you don't suddenly stop loving them like turning off a tap. Like you, he has shared memories and shared jokes and shared friends and all the rest. It's almost 20 years since my first divorce, but I still find myself coming out with catch-phrases that we invented :rolleyes:

Thing is, we all have people whom we love greatly but wouldn't want to spend the rest of our lives with intimately. The transition from partner to ex, through friend, to "someone from the past" is a natural process but it doesn't flow all that smoothly. Your ex's emotional skills aren't what we might call sophisticated. He's going through a similar process to yours, but probably just acts on impulse rather than figuring it out.

As you well know: when things aren't going too great in our lives, we're always tempted by the idea that we can go BACK to what we know: comforting routines; shared jokes; old habits. There is no 'back'. Only forwards. Even if you and he do reconcile, it will be on a new basis. All the old formulas would be out the window because they didn't work well enough.

What I'm trying to say is this:-
Whatever he texts you; whatever the current state of play with his girlfriend; whatever he feels & thinks at any given moment - it's part of his personal process. It's not about you. Leave it be.
The more you focus on him with the "what did he mean by -, why did he -, I've heard -, blah blah -", the less you focus on your own process. You cannot do another's processing for them. No-one else can do yours.

That's why we keep telling people here to focus on themselves.
It sounds like the antithesis of love, but love is not a shifting of the self onto another. Worse: that shift is part of the definition for many mental illnesses :eek:

You write as a really cool and very intelligent woman, Bubble. I bet you feel as if your intelligence has turned to porridge sometimes! Emotional prevarication will make your brain go mushy: it uses up too many resources. You have your own personal process to go through.

For as long as you distract your poor battered psyche from the job in hand, by fretting over details & attempting distance mind-reading(!), you're only putting off what you need to embrace: your own healing. Your process involves grief, honesty, acceptance, reassessment ... and then the good stuff, like strength, wisdom, acceptance and - hurrah! - falling back in love with your self; fulfilment.

I'm wittering on at some length about this, because I wasn't sure you were in a condition to hear a short-and-pointed offering. I'm concerned that you still feel unable to talk to your parents about what happened. You have discussed it honestly with your friends, haven't you?

Here's the short version:-

Texts, cards and even bouquets are symptoms of his process. Sure, say thank you if manners require, but leave him to do his own process. Just leave it alone. He's got his process ...

... And you've got yours. Do your process!

*Some of the things that can set your head free to get on with its job:-
prayer; meditation; running; swimming; yoga; decorating; cycling; sunbathing; the sea; walking; hypnotherapy; chanting; knitting; massages; wood-turning; saunas; nail-filing; shoe-polishing; singing; dancing; Pilates classes; martial arts classes; horse riding; sleeping; kneading dough; chopping veg; chopping wood; digging/hoeing; pruning; garden watering; long showers; loud music; biofeedback; rowing; balance board; stretching

Has this made any sense to you?

PS: The Serenity Prayer is still the only one I pray regularly - just the first verse, to be accurate. Here it is:-

Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

AG :)
xx

[Bubble]

Thank you JWD and AG for your support.

AG - I have really taken onboard what you said. And deep down I know you are right. So I am trying to focus on myself and my process - my counselling appointment has finally come through for next week which I am really pleased about. And I went back to the gym tonight for the first time since this all happened.

I got another text from him today...... Its nice to know that he is thinking of me, but I know I need to leave it alone for now.......

I do feel a bit more positive since Sunday..... I know its only Tuesday! But hopefully the better days will become more frequent.

Thanks again.

[Sheila]

I am so glad you are feeling a bit more positive today..I have just read all the replies to your post and its all really helping me.
You sound a strong lady and dont deserve any of this.
Why do they do this to us?
Stay strong we can all get through these horrible situations together
xx

[JWD]

Well done bubble. This will really make him wonder why you are getting on without him. You should try if you can, be positive and cheerful when you next chat to him and end the conversation first.

Listen to me that can't see what's probably right under her nose:)

That was advice in divorce Remedy anyway. xx

[Sheila]

How are you today Bubble?
Have you had any contact with H at all?
I have just 'ignored' a text from my H and I have to say, Im really proud of myself - let him think about it for a while, although i do feel by not replying he may just forget and move on, but if he does, then its his loss, even though i do want him back.
Worry, Im rambling on !
I really hope you are having an okish day
xx

[Bubble]

Thanks Sheila.

I have had a text and an email from him (we aren't married so hes not actually an H - hope no-one minds me hijacking a marriage help forum!). Same stuff, saying that he is thinking of me and hopes that I am ok.....

It will be 4 weeks tommorow of no contact for me. Well done you for not replying to your husbands text! Am proud of you. I have found that it gets easier as time passes. The way I see it theres nothing he can really say at the moment to make me feel better, so theres no point being in contact. And you know what, I have found that not having contact with him and allowing him to mess with my emotions is freeing me up to think about what I want and to start getting over it. Its slow work though!

I know its really hard, but try not to contact him. I would be very surprised if your H 'forgot and moved on'. It will probably do the opposite as he will be wondering why you haven't replied :)

Hope you have a good evening,
xxx

[Sheila]

You sound like you are doing ok, dont forget we are all here for you.
I know how hard it is, but its strange..sounding off on here really helps.
I hope you have some great friends and family around you.
Whatever happens to all of us, we will get through this in time.
xx

[Bubble]

Hi all,
I have been lurking for a while..... Sorry to see so many new 'members' (what a club to belong to!) but I know there is some great support here too.

Its been a month since I last posted........ Since then I have been experiencing that rollercoaster of emotions that I know you all are/have been feeling. He continued to text me every few days (I never replied), and I began to realise that it wasn't doing me any favours. I would go over them and because he was saying stuff like 'I think about you constantly' and how he was depressed I deluded myself into thinking that perhaps it had ended with her. Then of course I found out that he was still seeing her. So I decided to ask him to stop texting me with no contact at all for a month. It was weird talking to him after so long, but good in a way because I think I needed to hear some truths no matter how hard it was. He said she is not his girlfriend, just someone he sees now and then (lucky her!). Who knows what the truth really is. And he also maintains that he still loves me and I am his soulmate. He agreed to no contact until I am ready to talk again. I told him I needed the time to move on and get over him.

That was two weeks ago. At first I was feeling strong, and ready to move on. But over the past few days I have been feeling really low..... I keep thinking about the good things we had and about him coming back. The sad truth is that I do still love him - much as I don't want to! But then I get really angry at myself - why on earth am I thinking that after what he has done? I know I should be focusing my energy on myself, and I am trying. I am still going to counselling which has been helpful. But I do feel a bit stuck at the moment. I can say that I deserve better, but why haven't I got the self esteem to really believe it? Any tips on moving forward gratefully recieved!