I don't understand

[Chreal]

Thanks for reading this.

I don't understand my behaviour.
Me and my wife got married just over two years ago, after about a year of dating. I love her very much, and when I'm not around her I miss her a lot.
But Ive always done horrible things to her.

Early on there were a couple big lies that she discovered that really made her unable to trust me, and that still is there...she does not trust me on a lot of things, and still with good reason. I went through my childhood and teenaged years lying to get out of hard or uncomfortable situations. It became what I did, and I still do it. I lie about having paid this or that bill, I lie about what I think , I even lie about whether or not I took the dog outside! I don't seem to stop, though I dearly want to, as it is tearing us apart.

Another problem seems to be that I cant seem to show her any affection. It has to do with sex too. I dont seem to want her anymore, and I dont know why. In the beginning I did, but it has faded almost away. I dont understand, because I want to want her, and she has self-esteem problems so when she can clearly see how i am not interested, she gets very upset and sad, and I completely understand. But I dont stop.

To top it all off I am often emotionally distant. I cannot seem to connect with her on any emotional level. I want to be able to understand her, and I want to empathize with her when she is sad, but I cant seem to be able to. Sometimes I manufacture the feelings, but she can always tell.

I have made all these promises to change, and in that moment I really ment them, but when I wake up the next morning they are all gone. I never do anything. Once I treated her right for four days, and that has been it.
I dont understand why I cant do these things, they are so simple. All I need to do is care for and about her, and everything else falls into line. But I cannot seem to be able to do it.

She is almost at the end of her rope. I am convinced that if she could support herself, or found someone else, she would leave me. that is the only thing keeping her here. I dont want to lose her. She is my baby, and I love her so much.

How do I fix this? I dont know what to do.

[Raymond]

The problems are in you Chreal. We all know how to date and romance as a lot of it is about feelings, but this has to follow through in marriage which takes something else as well as feelings.

I think you have had a troubled upbringing. I would guess you haven't had a lot of love and that you got into the habit of lying because of fear. A stronghold has been built up in you whereby the lying has you instead of you it. If someone lies they usually know it, feel bad and put it right. I think you need christian ministry. One can only counter a spirit of lying with the spirit of truth, the holy spirit. Will power is not enough when it has got that bad.

Being unable to show affection is another sign of a troubled upbringing. Perhaps there is rejection there from your childhood or something else. I am being quite drastic with my advice here because I don't think ordinary advice is going to help in this situation. You need a new life and a new heart which can only come through giving your life to christ. God is love but we only experience it through coming to christ. When he changes us we can give love.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Chreal. Thanks for your astonishingly clear & open post.

Christian ministry certainly worked for Raymond, as for many other people. My preferred alternative is therapy. Two things are sure: if what you say is true, your problems are only going to get worse if you don't do something to tackle them. And the awareness you expressed, above, is half the battle done already. Should you decide to get help, you'll be a fantastic learner.

In the immediate term, it would be a good idea to show your post to your wife.

Cheers,
AG

[Hilary]

Hi Chreal

Thank you for your wonderful self honesty in this post. It suggests you may well do very well in your future.

As you seem to recognise you have a lot of work to do on yourself. And you have already started by your clear set of questions.

Here is another set of questions: ask yourself -
What are the positive reasons for lying this time? Self protection? Building yourself up? Avoid any negative reasoning - you have a positive reason for lying - not useful, but it has a positive intent underneath it all.

In regards to feeling totally different in the morning compared to how you were when you made the decision to be different - its because in the morning your focus is different. Can you become aware of what is going on in your head? You need to know what you say to yourself as you are waking up and getting dressed.

The following is just a guess and don't agree with it unless it is right but...

Do you not want your wife because you are being self protective again? Do you feel that you don't have a right to be happy? Or perhaps you would rather reject her first because you expect to lose her sometime and you (unconsciously) would rather it happen sooner so you can move on?

I am not saying this is conscious, but our unconscious minds were trained in childhood before we could see reason. If you learned to be very self protective as a child then you are likely to have the constant question -"how can I protect myself?" and that is likely to start in the morning just as you wake up and continues on through the day.

If this is you, then taping up a question in big print by the bed so you see it as you open your eyes, that says "how can I improve things today?" will give you different answers and different feelings.

[Ageing Grace]

If this is you, then taping up a question in big print by the bed so you see it as you open your eyes, that says "how can I improve things today?" will give you different answers and different feelings.

That's fantastic, Hilary! I'm writing mine out now :cool:

AG