Empty

[CP04]

First, I want to thank anyone who reads this post. I feel like there is no one I can go to, so even typing this makes me feel better. At any rate, I am 26 years old and have been married for just over 4 years. My wife and I have been together for a total of 7 years. During this time, I have never cheated on my wife. Cheating is something that I have seen done to others, and I do not wish that kind of pain on anybody. Nevertheless, throughout our entire marriage, I have found myself attracted to other women. I'm not just talking about fantasies. I have really WANTED other women over the course of our marriage. Of course, I have never acted on those feelings, but recently there has been this empty pit in my stomach. I don't know what it is. The major confusion comes when I ask myself if I still love my wife. When I can't answer that question for myself, it eats me alive!

I don't know what I want with my life anymore. My heart strings are being tugged in many different directions. On the one hand, life is short! I'm not religious and I believe that after this life it's over. If I don't take matters into my hands now it could be too late. On the other hand, what if I'm just confused and if I decide to leave my wife, I'll regret it? Our marriage is comforting, but I'm not sure if I'm staying because its convenient or if I really love her.

I told my wife a couple of weeks ago that I no longer loved her. She's taking it pretty hard. She's Catholic and loves me unconditionally and does not want a divorce. I respected her enough, have been through enough with her, and valued the ideals of marriage enough to agree to go to a counselor. Were going to the therapist next week. I've read several posts on this forum now, though, and it seems that a counselor might not even be able to help me with my issues. I'm just so confused that I don't even know where to turn. My feelings are starting to effect how I function during the day. Do I leave her because I no longer want to be married or do I stay in a comforting relationship? I just don't know anymore. Thanks for any advice.

CP

[Raymond]

CP04 you sound like an accident waiting to happen. You are very fortunate to have a wife who loves you unconditionally in faithfulness to her vows. The same cannot be said for you. Continually examining whether you love someone is like examining your feelings over and over again. If your marriage is only feelings and nothing else, no commitment, being subject to lusting after other women in your heart etc. then you are paving the way for a disaster in my opinion.

I think it is very sad that you told your wife you never loved her. She is committed to you beyond her feelings. It is sad that you cannot reciprocate.

I think you ought to return the same love she has for you and be committed to her. That is what marriage is. There is a covenant to it to cleave to each other and no one else.

In a way I don't think you are worthy of marriage at the moment unless you change and learn what commitment is. The right feelings will follow the right decisions. I really hope you find yourself within this marriage and not cause your wife or yourself a lot of suffering which seems to be on the horizon the way you are talking and acting.

Raymond

[CP04]

Thank you. I agree with what you said, but is the issue not whether my happiness or my marriage is more important? I don't want to cause my wife unhappiness, but what if I am just pretending? Is it right to keep up a charade just because I don't want her to get hurt? Is the choice really so simple as my happiness or keeping the vows that I may have hastily made? It may be sad that I told my wife the truth, but where would we have gone without the honesty? I thought that I was doing the right thing by telling her. Like I said, I'm going to the counselor with her and I am committed to making this work. I value our marriage. I guess I'm just looking for testimony on how others handled this situation so that I don't make a hasty decision. I don't want to go to the counselor and realize that my feelings will never change. Is it possible for me to fall in love with my wife? Part of me really hopes so.

[Ageing Grace]

Hello, CP.

Thank you for taking the trouble to seek feedback from this forum.

At 7 years together, your partnership is at one of the classic breaking points - at least you've got past the first two! I think what you're experiencing is the transition between feeling "In Love" and feeling "married". It's a downer for most married people, and does require some thinking on your part ... not about your feelings, but about your viewpoint.

Some interesting research (http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article5439805.ece) was released last month, in which couples were tested for being in love (yes, they can now identify this from a brain scanner!). Among couples who'd been together for 2 years or less, a high proportion showed showed 'in love' brain activity when they looked at their partner. This was what the researchers expected.

What they hadn't expected was that 10% of the long-term couples also showed this activity. Those who've been together for a long time (more than 15 years) also have greater responses in the brain areas related to happiness, contentment, security and pleasure - even if they're not among the lucky 10% that stay in love.

Obviously the ideal is to be amongst the 10%! But this research supports what most people will tell you: nine out of ten times, being 'in love' wears off but is replaced by a warm & contented, more low-key kind of love.

Your dilemma, it seems, is not "am I in love with my wife?" - you've answered that - but: "am I prepared to be happy in my marriage, or shall I take my chances on the one-in-ten result?"
Bear in mind this is only among couples who have stayed together a long time, so your real odds - taking divorces into account - are more like 20:1 against.

So what's it worth to you?

There is another option, which is to fall back in love with your wife. Raymond's fond of saying that right actions lead to right feelings. I think there's a lot of truth there, in that you can make that feeling grow by remembering to notice everything you adored about her in the early days - the way she smiles, what she does when she first wakes up, the curls in her hair ... all that stuff :)

As far as lusting after other women goes, there's nothing wrong with it. When you're madly in love, you truly don't fancy anybody else but - nine times out of ten - this happy state wears off. If you want to hang on to your pleasing, comfortable & happy marriage - you can look but don't touch. Much the same as I can look in Prada's window, but I can't buy anything!

Don't play away. Your wife has done nothing to deserve the agony that would cause for her.

Do ask yourself what you want from your marriage, and whether you can be one of the contented 90%.

If your honest answer is No, I think you should break this devastating news to her as soon as your mind's made up. She's young enough to look for somebody who shares her more realistic view of marriage.

Whichever way you go - it's a tough call. Good luck.
AG

[Raymond]

When you say the issue is whether your happiness or your marriage is more important you reveal that you went into marriage with your eyes closed. Gave it a try so to speak. Truth is it doesn't really work like that. To love someone means being unselfish as well. It's not really about getting my feelings gratified although I can say that mine are just though loving my wife in the fullest sense.

If you decide to love your wife you can do it and you will not be pretending. The nature of love is to watch out and seek the best for the other. That is part of the commitment one makes when thinking about whether to marry. I have to disagree with AG here in that lusting after other women is not okay as it threatens to weaken the intimate ties you should have with your wife. This is what happens in pornography where a kind of mental adultery is taking place even though the man hasn't touched anyone.

If you are serious about preserving your marriage it can work if you want it to. If you are being double minded it will tend to bring an instability into your marriage. It will take commitment and single mindedness to make it work. Really it's your decision. You can get through this patch.

Regarding being honest saying to your wife you do not love her. I do not think that was wise. The truth needs to be spoken in love. My wife could wipe the floor with me in the things she sees wrong in me and it would be the truth, but it is not helpful and would be cruel. There are many cruel words spoken in marriage purported to be the truth, but they are destroying words that do not build up. If the truth is spoken in love it will be helpful and wanting the best for the other.

I think if you get past your feelings and sow into your marriage, good feelings will come in the end. I have experienced this many times over in my marriage when I thought the feelings were waning. I thank God for what we have after 26 yrs.

Raymond

[wounded]

im agreeing with raymond on some points here. love does not dictated our actions our actions dictate our love.

some questions i think you may want to ask your self here.

1. whens the last time you devoted a fun and loving day to your spouse?(just for her)

2. do you gift her everyonce in awhile as a suprise?

3. why do you want other women?

ask your self these questions and come up with an honest answer for them.

im not going to act like an expert im here for help as well. but there are things that i have learned in my situation that might help you.

your postings here are still alittle fresh and the more you type about how things are and how you feel will help yourself and others help you.

thanks for coming here cp04.

good luck
wounded

[Raymond]

Good post wounded.

Raymond

[wscreate]

I have found that the key to happiness is being able to "give" unconditional love. If you are not able to do that, then you may never experience "true" love... it will not come to "you".

All human beings have an innate need to be loved as I'm sure you do. If you think you will find a "better" love somewhere else, you may be kidding yourself because it is not as easy as dropping this wife and finding another suitable mate. A devoted, loving partner is difficult to find.

In our society, we are taught that marriage is a convenience-- that we can end it easily if "we" are unhappy. That is encouraging selfishness. I know you are not religious, but marriage does have spiritual beginnings. Marriage is a "covenant" and it is not intended to be broken. If you can find it in you to take your marriage "itself" more serious and think of it as a permanent thing, then it is possible you may find a way to work at it and make it a long lasting, loving relationship.

I wish you the best.

[Ageing Grace]

While I agree with all of the preceding replies - and do appreciate that the thrust of this forum is about making marriages work - I think that character and maturity come into the equation more forcefully than we like to admit in our posts.

CP (if he's still here) says that he is young and that he's concerned he doesn't feel as he feels he should within his marriage. I think that acknowledgement, in itself, is quite mature for a 26-year-old, as is the fact he is trying to do what is right.

The posts above have an aroma of "You've made your bed, now you must lie in it" and I think you do a disservice to the man. He's making a genuine effort to figure out his dilemma with all honesty. What makes you assume he hasn't done all he can to repair his feelings towards her? OK, he's inexperienced but I see little, in the posts above, that would be news to a 26-year-old.

I'm delighted they're going to counselling - again, that shows CP does want to do what is best; to do right by his wife. Hopefully they'll be able to restore their relationship but, if not, then I think he deserves credit for his honesty with himself.

They're only 26. Telling him to "work on his feelings" is a nice suggestion - but totally misses the fact that they're young enough to start again, should the marriage turn out not to be - what, if you like, god intended for them.

If you realise after 30 years of marriage that the love was never real, then you're in Dakereb's situation. If you realise it after four years, you're an honest person facing an honest challenge. The guy was asking for help in sorting out his feelings, not lectures on how to improve a stale marriage.

@CP: I stick by what I said; you need to define your own attitude to this marriage.
You said:Our marriage is comforting, but I'm not sure if I'm staying because its convenient or if I really love her.IMO, you're absolutely right to question this. Convenience isn't a good enough reason to stay married - and is a cruelty towards any 'convenient' wife. You clearly do love her ... the question is: enough for a lifetime? If you get a good counsellor, s/he will help you sort that out.

The second Mr Grace, who was 31 when we married, is far happier with his present wife than he was with me. This is partly to do with differences in her character and mine ... and partly to do with the fact that, first time round, he hadn't given much thought to what marriage entails. I don't like the thought that I was his practice run - but I can't say it was a wasted experience, for either of us.

Best of luck, CP. It would be good to hear how your first counselling went :)
AG