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Peter
7th March 2002, 10:14 PM
We’ve been married for 10 years and have two kids. I’ve recently returned from working overseas for the last two years to raise money for our home and our relationship has been strained. I am now working away from home and returning at weekends. During my absence overseas we had holidays together every three months with the exception of one in April 2000 when she went on an exotic beach holiday with her brother. She met a married man there who lives overseas and they kissed on the last night. They kept in touch and I discovered signs through their emails and letters when I was home on holiday in August 2000 and December 2000 and after I returned in September 2001. I let her know that I knew and she hid and then claimed she had destroyed the evidence. As far as I know they have not met again. Their communications have become very affectionate and playfully sexual on both sides as our relationship has been in crisis.

However, we had great times during our holidays and on reuniting recently even though I knew about her penpal and she knew that I had an affair whilst overseas. She was very hostile after finding out and initially did not admit to knowing. She won’t tell me when she found out and what evidence she has. I assume she is telling the truth as this would explain her hostility. In October 2001, I wrote to him and told him to back off which he did. My wife and I reconciled our differences to a degree where the relationship was workable but she was clearly hurt by my affair and I was also about her “penpal affair”, which I maintained was just as bad as the real thing or would be if they met again. Things worsened up to Christmas 2001, but then we had a great holiday after which she resumed her communication secretly with her penpal and it continues now. She doesn’t know that I know but I am making big hints that I don’t feel she is being 100% with me and she is not trying. She just continues, denies everything, and is less hostile towards me as we are getting on much better although not as much as I would like. He has been writing asking her to meet up with him.

So now to try to bring things to a head again, I have gambled by playing the Honesty Card. Next week, I’ve arranged to meet up with the person I had an affair with overseas during a short holiday she has here. This is only to catch up on news from overseas as we were long-time acquaintances. To be open and honest with my wife (in the hope that she will be with me and maybe make her jealous too) I told her what I was doing, effectively giving her the opportunity to intervene and copied her on the communications I have had with this woman. I don’t know what her reaction is yet. I expect she will initially be hurt then indifferent then relieved that I have opened up, and then maybe she will follow suit and open up too. I have just asked her if she is speaking to him. If she doesn’t come clean – what do I do?

Option 1 : Do I present evidence to her of her continued communication with the penpal to try to make them stop? So far all I have done has not made her. The longer the relationship continues, the more dangerous it must become. I can’t see an advantage in this option apart from me getting even by upsetting her as much as I’ve been upset by her communications. The disadvantage is that I would undoubtedly upset her by showing I don’t trust her and we would inevitably fight. This would probably drive her to seek solace from him even more.

Option 2 : Or do I maintain the status quo by not confronting her as the penpal seems less of a threat (although I am extremely jealous) and we are getting on better. I am hoping she will become honest with me as her communications nowadays seem “harmless”. When I wrote to him in October 2001 she was upset as she wanted to end it herself. But I am very worried about the growing sexual themes in their communications and her dependency on his words of comfort when we fight. The only advantage of my keeping quiet is that I can continue to monitor the situation secretly and hope as she says that he’s only a friend. A disadvantage is that the communications will continue to hurt me. I think she suspects that I already have access to her communications and I guess that she is trying to make me jealous and hurt me by allowing the communications to become more intimate and passionate. I won’t have a chance to know her true feelings unless we have a heart-to-heart again.

Option 3 : Contact him again and give him a second warning.

Option 4 : Go straight to GO and reveal him to his wife.

Kate
8th March 2002, 06:46 PM
What a mess! Neither of you can trust each other, neither of you have kept faithful. Have either of you had the guts to admit you've done wrong and ask the others forgiveness or are you going to play these silly games until you're so hurt you'll ruin everything?!

Why not try and face up to the fact that your relationship has taken the toll of you being apart all those years and make a fresh start? Isn't it time to start aiming for a win-win solution rather than seeing the solution as getting your wife to change. The more loving you are to her and the more genuine she sees that to be, the less likely the other man will be able to draw her away.

There are lots of articles on the site which might help. Perhaps you could look at some of the ones in the Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/) topic area. There are also some good ones in the area on infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/). Perhaps the one on rebuilding trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) might interest you.

Peter
11th March 2002, 08:08 AM
Thanks Kate. I'll check these links out and try to follow up the advice. BTW, she was initially upset about my Honesty Card (refer below) and made snide remarks which progressed to reluctant acceptance and curiosity. OK so meet her, she said, and catch up on the news. Maybe you'll wonder what all the fuss was about with her and take a photo so I can see what she looks like!

For the record, we have tried to start again and marked the event with memorable anniversary and Christmas breaks away. I am just finding it difficult to be genuinely loving with the undercurrent of communications she has with him. Thankfully, there weren't any signs of this at the weekend and we had a lovely Mothering Sunday.

Peter
20th March 2002, 10:00 PM
I saw this other woman and where we stand now is that my wife and I are trying to connect albeit by email and I should not have seen this woman for overseas news. My wife does not understand that it was for news and that this woman meant nothing to me other than as a sexual release during our separation as compared with her penpal who was a very intimate confidant all the time upto last week. In truth, I saw the other woman last Friday to get a reaction from my wife. This has allowed us to talk and is clearing the air somewhat.

The trigger was that she sent the most intimate e-mail cards and messages to him she has ever done on the day I met with the other woman. Later I found them and confronted her. She said she intended for me to find them but I still don't believe her. She said that she wanted to know what it was like to write very intimate words to another person (not carry them out as I have) but simply to write them and know what she knows now. That it is horrible and it hurts. That one cannot write words like that to just anyone. It has to be to someone you love, someone you truly want to make love with. So she says that it actually hurt her more by doing this because she now knows that she cannot write these words to anyone else but me because she hasn't made love to anyone else but me. Now does this ring true?

I have no intention of contacting the other woman again. I have been the one to want counselling and have the night out alone without the kids, but she always finds an excuse not to. She often just switches off at home or goes out with friends or gets upset when we are all home en famille when we all can't relax together because I am demanding attention - either sexually or emotionally. I must put my foot down and insist we go out together alone and regularly. I'd like to put my foot down about regular sex too but she is one for spontaneity (and passion). We see each other for a maximum of 20 hours on the weekend in the company of others and our kids and sleep in separate rooms as she avoids me saying I'm too much hard work when she just wants to chill. I need advice here on how to persuade her to make time for us alone, so we can just be together. Maybe this incident is the start to make it easier? I am not optimistic but hopeful.

Anyway, she has just written to him (and copied it to me) saying goodbye and thanks for all the support. Her choice of card and wording are very touching and make me jealous as always. She doesn't realise how upset I get seeing how intimate she is with him and even now when she is supposed to be saying goodbye to him and trying to heal us. OK I'll risk it and share it with you as you need something concrete to grasp - she of course would kill me if she ever found out - but I'm looking for specific help. Her choice of words leaves alot to be desired and I'm feeling like challenging her on some of them:

"Dearest XXX,

Thank you for always leaving your mailbox open to me - giving love, support and friendship, simply for me.

It has not only been fun and exciting but something that happened unexpectedly, taking us both by surprise and becoming a beautiful friendship with many laughs.

For filling an empty space and a need to feel good about myself. For being open to receive me on sad days, blue not so well days, I have no time days and my fantasy I'm so alone nights and always responding positively.

However, for others, it is difficult to understand this and sadly today it must therefore come to an end.

Continue to be happy with your loving, beautiful family and dog. Keep them safe from harm and love them as I know only you can.

It's been one to remember always.

Here's a parting joke: Imagine a group of sperm swimming - 'God, I'm knackered. How far is it to the fallopian tubes ? A long way mate, we've only just passed the tonsils !'

Goodbye.

Love

XXXX

Kate
21st March 2002, 11:36 PM
I still think you are playing games with each other! Is there also a bit of self-righteousness about what you say? It's ok for you to have had a relationship that was no more than "sexual release", but she's really gone too far because her conversations with the man have been intimate and loving!

Why don't you just face it - you've both made mistakes and hurt each other. Do you have to grade it all according to who's behaved worse or who's fault it is. For goodness sake forgive each other and try and start again.

I don't think putting your foot down is going to do any good. Demanding sex isn't either - that's not what making love is about.

Marriage is not about controlling your wife and trying to get her to behave as you want, it's about trying to understand how she's feeling and how you can love her better. Perhaps a little more patience, sensitivity and gentleness would help a bit. I know it sounds like I'm saying it ought to be give, give, on your part, but that's what marriage is all about, isn't it, giving yourself one hundred per cent without demanding anything in return.