Peter
7th March 2002, 10:14 PM
We’ve been married for 10 years and have two kids. I’ve recently returned from working overseas for the last two years to raise money for our home and our relationship has been strained. I am now working away from home and returning at weekends. During my absence overseas we had holidays together every three months with the exception of one in April 2000 when she went on an exotic beach holiday with her brother. She met a married man there who lives overseas and they kissed on the last night. They kept in touch and I discovered signs through their emails and letters when I was home on holiday in August 2000 and December 2000 and after I returned in September 2001. I let her know that I knew and she hid and then claimed she had destroyed the evidence. As far as I know they have not met again. Their communications have become very affectionate and playfully sexual on both sides as our relationship has been in crisis.
However, we had great times during our holidays and on reuniting recently even though I knew about her penpal and she knew that I had an affair whilst overseas. She was very hostile after finding out and initially did not admit to knowing. She won’t tell me when she found out and what evidence she has. I assume she is telling the truth as this would explain her hostility. In October 2001, I wrote to him and told him to back off which he did. My wife and I reconciled our differences to a degree where the relationship was workable but she was clearly hurt by my affair and I was also about her “penpal affair”, which I maintained was just as bad as the real thing or would be if they met again. Things worsened up to Christmas 2001, but then we had a great holiday after which she resumed her communication secretly with her penpal and it continues now. She doesn’t know that I know but I am making big hints that I don’t feel she is being 100% with me and she is not trying. She just continues, denies everything, and is less hostile towards me as we are getting on much better although not as much as I would like. He has been writing asking her to meet up with him.
So now to try to bring things to a head again, I have gambled by playing the Honesty Card. Next week, I’ve arranged to meet up with the person I had an affair with overseas during a short holiday she has here. This is only to catch up on news from overseas as we were long-time acquaintances. To be open and honest with my wife (in the hope that she will be with me and maybe make her jealous too) I told her what I was doing, effectively giving her the opportunity to intervene and copied her on the communications I have had with this woman. I don’t know what her reaction is yet. I expect she will initially be hurt then indifferent then relieved that I have opened up, and then maybe she will follow suit and open up too. I have just asked her if she is speaking to him. If she doesn’t come clean – what do I do?
Option 1 : Do I present evidence to her of her continued communication with the penpal to try to make them stop? So far all I have done has not made her. The longer the relationship continues, the more dangerous it must become. I can’t see an advantage in this option apart from me getting even by upsetting her as much as I’ve been upset by her communications. The disadvantage is that I would undoubtedly upset her by showing I don’t trust her and we would inevitably fight. This would probably drive her to seek solace from him even more.
Option 2 : Or do I maintain the status quo by not confronting her as the penpal seems less of a threat (although I am extremely jealous) and we are getting on better. I am hoping she will become honest with me as her communications nowadays seem “harmless”. When I wrote to him in October 2001 she was upset as she wanted to end it herself. But I am very worried about the growing sexual themes in their communications and her dependency on his words of comfort when we fight. The only advantage of my keeping quiet is that I can continue to monitor the situation secretly and hope as she says that he’s only a friend. A disadvantage is that the communications will continue to hurt me. I think she suspects that I already have access to her communications and I guess that she is trying to make me jealous and hurt me by allowing the communications to become more intimate and passionate. I won’t have a chance to know her true feelings unless we have a heart-to-heart again.
Option 3 : Contact him again and give him a second warning.
Option 4 : Go straight to GO and reveal him to his wife.
However, we had great times during our holidays and on reuniting recently even though I knew about her penpal and she knew that I had an affair whilst overseas. She was very hostile after finding out and initially did not admit to knowing. She won’t tell me when she found out and what evidence she has. I assume she is telling the truth as this would explain her hostility. In October 2001, I wrote to him and told him to back off which he did. My wife and I reconciled our differences to a degree where the relationship was workable but she was clearly hurt by my affair and I was also about her “penpal affair”, which I maintained was just as bad as the real thing or would be if they met again. Things worsened up to Christmas 2001, but then we had a great holiday after which she resumed her communication secretly with her penpal and it continues now. She doesn’t know that I know but I am making big hints that I don’t feel she is being 100% with me and she is not trying. She just continues, denies everything, and is less hostile towards me as we are getting on much better although not as much as I would like. He has been writing asking her to meet up with him.
So now to try to bring things to a head again, I have gambled by playing the Honesty Card. Next week, I’ve arranged to meet up with the person I had an affair with overseas during a short holiday she has here. This is only to catch up on news from overseas as we were long-time acquaintances. To be open and honest with my wife (in the hope that she will be with me and maybe make her jealous too) I told her what I was doing, effectively giving her the opportunity to intervene and copied her on the communications I have had with this woman. I don’t know what her reaction is yet. I expect she will initially be hurt then indifferent then relieved that I have opened up, and then maybe she will follow suit and open up too. I have just asked her if she is speaking to him. If she doesn’t come clean – what do I do?
Option 1 : Do I present evidence to her of her continued communication with the penpal to try to make them stop? So far all I have done has not made her. The longer the relationship continues, the more dangerous it must become. I can’t see an advantage in this option apart from me getting even by upsetting her as much as I’ve been upset by her communications. The disadvantage is that I would undoubtedly upset her by showing I don’t trust her and we would inevitably fight. This would probably drive her to seek solace from him even more.
Option 2 : Or do I maintain the status quo by not confronting her as the penpal seems less of a threat (although I am extremely jealous) and we are getting on better. I am hoping she will become honest with me as her communications nowadays seem “harmless”. When I wrote to him in October 2001 she was upset as she wanted to end it herself. But I am very worried about the growing sexual themes in their communications and her dependency on his words of comfort when we fight. The only advantage of my keeping quiet is that I can continue to monitor the situation secretly and hope as she says that he’s only a friend. A disadvantage is that the communications will continue to hurt me. I think she suspects that I already have access to her communications and I guess that she is trying to make me jealous and hurt me by allowing the communications to become more intimate and passionate. I won’t have a chance to know her true feelings unless we have a heart-to-heart again.
Option 3 : Contact him again and give him a second warning.
Option 4 : Go straight to GO and reveal him to his wife.