Help me Help myself

[feeingbroken]

I recently married the man of my dreams. I had no children and he has 3 that he has custody of. This was never a problem in my eyes. But things have changed so much in the past few months. I recently left my job due to pay changes and hour changes. the first 48 hours he was fine with it, I mean someone has to cook clean and take care of things.. Right? Well that changed... He changed.. not for the better.. He is now the DICTATOR of EVERYTHING. He is verbally,emotional and starting to become more and more aggressively abusive. When we first met I had a great job making very good money. I had confidence in myself and was ALWAYS happy. Now im broken... and shell... I feel less worth then a piece of dirt on the ground. I cater to his every need.. and his children whom I love deeply. I have always.. even when he didn’t work the first 6 months we were together taken care of there every need... food ,clothes, roof over there head. Now every night he comes home angry screaming and yelling and pushing and telling me to get the **** out.... But when I go to leave he changes his tune. I know his last marriage was bad.. but now I’m wondering who it was bad for.... I don’t know what to do.. We haven’t even been married for 6 months yet... The man I fell in love with.. the sweet, understanding, loving, caring, affectionate, supporter has turned into a cruel , scary person I would have NEVER even spoke to... I’ve tried talking. At times I think he is listening to what I’m saying, how he has made me feel and change... When I got a EXCELLENT job offer that wont start until mid February things changed for like 5 days but oh boy.... They are back the way they were... What can I do? Can I save this? Or should I just walk away? Help me... I waited to get married until I was sure.. but... This isn’t the person I married???

[Flubber]

Hi,
I see some of the traits your husband has in himself, are similiar to mine in that I was a controlling person. I wasn't as bad as him, but can relate to them. I am working hard to change these
You have to stand up to him and assert your own independence. Unless you do this, things will continue or may get worse.
Control like this usually comes from insecurity.

Have you suggested counselling to him

[dave123]

I know this will sound harsh. Take the job and let the chips fall where they may. He may not be able to cope with being the sole breadwinner, or any number of other things.

At least if you take the job you will regain your independence and be ready and prepared to leave if that is how it all pans out. Suggest counseling to avoid this but you can't put up with this poor behaviour for ever.

Good luck,

Dave

[feeingbroken]

Dave123/Flubber.
Thanks so much for your reply. I did it!! I took the job 10 minutes ago and will start Next week. I started packing my stuff and think when he gets home I will ask him if we can take a break for a while. I called my mother and asked if I could stay in her vacation home for a while (which happens to be even closer to the new job) and she has agreed. Im sure he will not be happy with my decision but I can NOT live like this anymore. Im taking a STAND!!!!! and hoping I will see a change in him. Unfortunatly.... His mother found out about all that has gone on and called him .. she was very upset and told him the apple didnt fall far from the tree.. Which I hope her saying this will open his eyes... To realize Im a good woman and not to hurt me like he has.... I think he need to open himself up to LOVE someone other then himself.. what do you think?

[Flubber]

I think you should stay and talk it through rather than just walk away and see how the chips fall.
Well done on your decision. This is your 1st step in getting some control back in your life.

[feeingbroken]

I feel like i need to take a stand... I will try to talk... but it will always end with him yelling so... But i will try.. :/

[dave123]

Good for you, taking some time and some space is not a permanent "walking away" it is a positive thing for you both. Your H may not feel like that initially but it is probably what is required in the long run if you are to have any chance.

If you have no joy talking to him then write him a letter and let him know how you feel, and what you need to happen for you to have a future. If there is still love between you then you do have something to build on as long as you are both working together like a married couple should do.

Good luck with the new job, and the break. I hope they both help and that you and your H can work together towards future happiness.

Dave

[feeingbroken]

well the talk went well... I think... Im keeping my things packed up until I feel secure with him. He agreed.. I explained that there will not be a next time or it will be the end... He knew I wasnt just talking..... Its a fact. I told him that if he couldnt talk to me and restrain himself that the next thing would be the tail lights of my truck.. he cried... I didnt.... Hope this will work out but Im ready if it doesnt... Thanks for all the today. I will see you all tomorrow. :):)

[Raymond]

You did what you had to do FB. You are not against him but this control thing working in him. It is messy and you will have to learn how to discern when it is working and when it isn't. You will become an expert at it in the end. Don't let it have you. I am glad he cried. Hopefully it was tears of repentance and not just another way to control you.

Raymond