unreasonable

[debz]

My hubby had an affair 15mnths ago with a girl 30yrs younger at work, to say the least it devastated me but for what ever reason i took him back. every day is still a battle with the thoughts in my head, but i dont say a great deal these days about it. The worst thing i find myself having to deal with at the moment is his work. the affair did not happen on the place he is working now as he has moved a few miles away to a new factory but for the same company, but i still find myself having a very difficult relationship with his works. I hate hearing about it, i really hate hearing about his workers, i detest hearing about his so called friends, and most of all i hate the phone calls i get from him every shift he is on. He calls around six or so times a night or day and panicks and calls my family to see if im there if he cant get me at home and its embarassing. I really really feel he is checking up on me and my family think so too, but he just says he wants to talk to me cause he is missing me. I feel smothered and i have to listen to him calling girls babe or babie when they turn up in the office when he is talking to me on the phone. I am getting really bitter about it but i dont think he will understand how i feel. WOULD I BE UNREASONABLE TO ASK HIM FOR ONE CALL ONLY A NIGHT.

[Raymond]

I am sure you can make that point if you need to debz. I am amazed, as it sounds to me like it should be the other way round, you checking on him in view of his past behaviour.

Most wives would be flattered by the calls but I expect you may not have forgiven him for his past behaviour and he on the other hand may not have come to full repentance on the issue to merit the forgiveness. Calling girls Babe etc. is not the way to carry on when you are married believe me. Maybe this shows that you do not trust him and you just don't want to know about his work or are trying to shut it out but the calls remind you of it?

Anyway why should he check on you? He is the one who has strayed not you. I think things have still not been sorted out between you and this is just another complicated layer on top.

I would go ahead and ask for just one call a night. If he asks why tell him staight. Not that you just feel smothered, but tell him everything about how you feel, going into the past if necessary. This business must be sorted out.

Raymond

[debz]

Hi Raymond, Thanks for the reply. He called me the night before last and a lady who was upset entered his office while he was on the phone to me, he was expecting her as he had sent for her to come and talk to him, and rightly so, and in my eyes it was professional of him, he said to me when she entered the office - "ok, talk to you later, bye" and put the phone down, now normally its "love you-bye", but like i say i think its professional of him to do that and not let his workers know about his personal calls to me. but it set me off again because as i say, that night he spoke professionally yet other nights while on the phone to me he's calling other girls babe so therefore when his girls come in there was no consideration for me what-so-ever and it really hurts. We did discuss it and he says he doesnt realise he said it 'ON TWO OCCASIONS', how convenient. Im just not moving on and i feel hes not helping me at all. My hubby has a massive ego, he has cheated on absolutely every relationship hes had in the past and its always been picking women up at work, i suppose its the easiest place to happen, but he had this promotion not long ago,and still took it although i asked him not too and i know he absolutely loves his position, i think he feels girls look up to him and love him for being "the most wonderful boss in the world', and hes wollowing in it. It really makes me sick.

[Raymond]

He's cheated on every relationship in the past? Did you know about this before you married him?

However good he is at work will not replace the things he has left undone at home and in his marriage. I think he has definitely got his priorities wrong. No relationship should jeopardise ones marriage and he seems to be sailing near the edge with his demeanor. One can be friends with women but be above board. I can understand why you do not want him to ring you too much. You need a break but it doesn't sort the existing problem. He seems like an accident waiting to happen.

The problem will stay until he sorts it out. He must have some sort of esteem problem by the sound of it and craves admiration to build himself up. Did he have a bad upbringing? We all need affirmation but blatantly posturing for it belies a weakness.

Raymond

Raymond

[debz]

Hi Raymond, I dont know alot about his upbringing except what he tells me. He has a huge problem with his mother, She, according to him favoured his younger brother. He has had the ideal life, great career, wife since 17yrs old, money 'well earned by the way', children with good careers, so i expect he is really the ideal son where as my hubby has gone through life pleasing only himself and hurting women, im his third marriage, so really i can understand his mother although he says he was not treated the same as his brother from a child. Ive always thought it stems from his mother as he goes through llife constantly needing attention from women and he seems to always be searching for something in them he never finds therefore moving on to the next. The only difference i see in our relationship is he seems to want to fight for its survival, even though he cant help himelf with women. All his other relationships he admitted his "mistakes" and walked away. He has nothing to do with all his family, they hate him, including his mother. He doesnt even get told when any of them pass away.

[1aokgal]

debz...

This man sounds weird as HELL! Do you have call block on your phone? If so block the calls until he gets it that you have a life OTHER than him. Men who cheat always project the same traits on the women they are with. Basically, he hates and demeans women and will press you until you break and then blame you for the conflicts. He sounds to me like a perfect one to set off and go into some rage if all is not under his control.

Guess why his family hates him? The guy is a misfit and a loser. Sorry, but I think you missed/are missing red flag danger signals that says this man could be a danger to you. Talk to the X-wives? I bet he has an abuseive history with them. I also would make sure of birth control and sex protection as you don't need a pregnancy with such a weird guy AND if he has indiscriminate pickups/sex he may have an addiction to such behavior. I think you see only the TIP of the Iceberg. The moreyou learn the more it will snap your head around in horror. He is NOT RIGHT in my book.

Hope you have an alternative life plan in place because I would not give this marriage a one year history to go. He sounds controling, dangerous and a big liar. Sorry..I call them as I see them. I think you need an overnight bag...PACKED.

Good luck, Debz...I don't think you are lucky number three. I think you are very unlucky.

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Debz

I found 1aokgal's response, above, startling (true to form!). Then I re-read your posts ... and saw what she saw.

Please read the Wikipedia page on Psychopathy - in case you're more familiar with its other names, it is also called Sociopathy and Anti-Social Personality Disorder.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy

I hope your husband doesn't fit the profile, but nonetheless I urge you to speak confidentially with your in-laws. It will be illuminating to hear their take on what went wrong in his childhood. Similarly, talking to his exes is a good idea.

I have some experience with sociopaths - my father, my ex-boss, an ex- girl friend and an ex-husband had these characteristics. I'm slow on the uptake :(
Please be quicker than me!

AG

[1aokgal]

Debz...

Take the emphasis off of HIM and his "problems." What do you need to do to be educated, prepared and have an alternate life plan?

Suggestions... good job, training or plan return to school perhaps. Put an escape plan into action and then cut the excess calls/domination routine so that you are not reacting to whatever he does. Set your own life plan one step at a time. See a priest, minister or counsellor to see what steps you can take to make yourself stronger, more prepared and capable to earn your own way.

Don't get baited into cat and mouse games as this Narcissitic man sets for you. Start squirreling assets and see to your own well being. Let him do what he will and stop reacting to traps set. Read my response above if you don't know what I mean. Ageing Grace has followed my reasoning pretty well. Let us not dissect him. Let us dwell on you and why you allow yourself to be played?

Narcissism is at it's finest in all the things you have described with the husband.
Now don't be controlled by another because you are being set up to react. Don't spin your wheels to figure out what is wrong with HIM. Rather, figure out why a nice lady like you got into this situation as you missed the clues it seems.

Put an escape plan into being. Get busy to improve yourself. Lose weight, get fit..read some self help books for you. You need confidence and motivation to make yourself secure and empowered.
Good luck.

[Raymond]

Thanks for your reply Debz. To me it is a clear case of rejection. He is looking for the acceptance he never had. Probably you accept him but he can't believe it and tries to get it elsewhere. I grew up with this as an orphan although it manifested in a different way. My answer was spiritual in the end.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

Dear Debz & Raymond,

I've waited 24 hours before posting my response to Raymond's comment above. While Raymond and I clearly differ in many ways, I appreciate the value of his viewpoint almost always. But this time - following reflection - I have to emphasise: WHERE Debz's husband's issues come from is NOT a helpful or useful question in this case!!!

The man's already taken her for a good long ride. Going by her posts, he's taken as much as she offered and put little or nothing back. Add to this a history of broken relationships and you're looking at a person who wreaks havoc wherever they rest, moves on without a backward glance & whose only discernible motivations are self-interest and revenge.

Raymond, not everybody is as nice or as save-able as you. Some individuals are born with funny wiring in their brain. Follow the link I gave: you'll see, time and again, the condition is considered untreatable.

It is sad! People who lack social empathy do feel left out. But there's nothing to be done about it. End of.

The best thing you can do for such a person is to ensure a bad (for them) consequence of their actions. However, this will not alter their condition. It will simply teach them a new rule about what they can and cannot get away with.

Don't feel too sorry for them. Such people generally do extremely well in their own terms, which are not the same as your terms and mine. Sociopaths are at least 10 times more likely than sane people to reach positions of great influence.

Trying to fix them is like trying to house-train a tiger :confused:

Debz, do everything to safeguard your family.

AG

[1aokgal]

Dear A. Grace...

We are on the same train. The last thing that Debz needs is to waste time, pity or her analysis skills to wonder WHERE, HOW or WHY she got this dud and what are his problems. He is going to land on his feet as always by manipulation and cunning. As you noted and history reveals, he wreaks havoc on every woman who gets within his charming circle.

This man leaves women in his path to feel dysfunctional, unattractive and destitute because he has stripped them of all self confidence while he is off to find the next needy one and repeat the pattern. The last thing Debz needs is to feel she is responsible to FIX or understand this Narcissitic user. It is the same pattern as a woman who tries to FIX a drug user or alcoholic. They are USERS who hurt and disable others who try to help them. They are good at making others feel responsible for problems in a relationship.

Debz needs to worry about her own needs...both physical and emotional survival while the guy is out there looking for the next mark or the BABES who reinforce his sick ego. She is all into ,"What did I do wrong?" She already thinks it is her fault.

The bottom is dropping out from under her world. Debz knows his history and experienced the fact he is a serial cheater/sex addict who repeats the patterns in each relationship.

[Raymond]

I take your viewpoint 1okgal and Grace. The fact that he is going about things the wrong way doesn't change what has happened in his childhood. From what has been posted on his childhood it would appear that rejection has happened in my view. Because he didn't perceive acceptance from his parents he is craving acceptance wherever he can get it. Most of our adult foibles come from our childhood. The time when we were the most vulnerable.

I don't justify what he is doing for one minute. We are all still accountable for our behaviour regardless of what has happened in the past. I was merely commenting on something that seemed clear to me. We still have to be moral beings. Don't think I accept any behaviour which is not right.

I have been healed of this. I know I am accepted and do not need to behave as a rejected person any longer. In fact I am able to take rejection if necessary so long as I am sure I am doing the right thing.

No Debz should not pity her husband or excuse his behaviour which is wrong but the healing of the rejection would be a good step in the right direction if that were possible, but there is no justification for his behaviour whatsoever as you say.

Raymond

[Raymond]

I take your viewpoint 1okgal and Grace. The fact that he is going about things the wrong way doesn't change what has happened in his childhood. From what has been posted on his childhood it would appear that rejection has happened in my view. Because he didn't perceive acceptance from his parents he is craving acceptance wherever he can get it. Most of our adult foibles come from our childhood. The time when we were the most vulnerable.

I don't justify what he is doing for one minute. We are all still accountable for our behaviour regardless of what has happened in the past. I was merely commenting on something that seemed clear to me. We still have to be moral beings. Don't think I accept any behaviour which is not right.

I have been healed of this. I know I am accepted and do not need to behave as a rejected person any longer. In fact I am able to take rejection if necessary so long as I am sure I am doing the right thing.

No Debz should not pity her husband or excuse his behaviour which is wrong but the healing of the rejection would be a good step in the right direction if that were possible, but there is no justification for his behaviour whatsoever as you say.

Raymond