Help needed again

[Jackie]

Hello, I posted a thread before Christmas about going on holiday without my husband. My daughters and I are now back from our holiday without husband and it all went well. We coped without him but were in contact with him daily by email. He was devastated that we had gone without him and was in tears the day we left. Whilst away he said that he would like to talk when I got back but we have had a little talk but nothing different has really come out of it but from how he has behaved while we have been away I think he is depressed. I have asked him to see a doctor but as he feels a bit better at the moment he won't go.

He says while away he has been sleeping a lot during the day, can't sleep very well at night, is tearful when seeing things that remind him of us. He is not eating much and has lost weight. He says he just can't stop thinking about what he has done to us all and what a mess everything is. I was worried before I went away that he was suicidal but he assures me he wouldn't do that. Friends have said that since the affair came out that he does not seem the same person. He has only been seeing the other woman about once a week and still does not want her kids to be a part of this relationship. He has now moved from staying at work to borrowing a cottage for a couple of weeks but has still got most of his possessions and clothes at our home. He still says he cannot commit 100% and doesn't know what he wants. He has said that he missed me and the girls while we were away. I said that I thought a relationship with this woman was what he wanted and not me but he seems even more mixed up now than before and certainly not the person 3 months ago who thought this adulterous relationship was exciting and in love with this woman.

While away I had decided on my return to say move all your clothes and possessions out so that I can start trying to rebuild my life but how he is at the moment I feel as though he is in too delicate a frame of mind.

What does anyone think? Does it sound like he is depressed and needs medical help. Should I insist that he moves everything out or should I wait for the two weeks while he is in temporary accommodation to see what his next move is. I had hoped that him missing us would have brought him to his senses to realise what he was going to lose if he continues but he doesn't seem to be any clearer. We get along really well and maybe I am being pathetic and too kind to him and should set out what I want.

[Raymond]

I would carry on the treatment as cruel as it sounds Jackie. He is not ready to recommit to his marriage after his adultery. There are signs there but you need to get the full repentance and recomittal I feel before anything is on the cards. Obviously you are going to have contact because of the children so you can keep an eye on him, but don't live in this half way house which can drag on forever. It may come but it is not there yet, but you have to get on with your life and prepare for the worst if necessary.

Raymond

[Jackie]

Thanks Raymond.

I have persuaded my husband to see a doctor as I think he realises he might need help. We have had a good talk today and there are signs that he is moving towards repairing the marriage but he does not have it in him at the moment to make the final decision. He does not want to hurt me or our children again so is probably right to wait until he feels 100% sure in himself that this is what he wants. I have said that I won't wait around forever and will move on without him. He knows that I am serious about the changes that I will make if he comes back but at the moment he needs to get it all straight in his head. He knows he does not want a proper relationship with this other woman as he does not want her children only his own. He just wants the fun parts.

So time will tell. I am getting used to being on my own with our daughters but until I finally here from him that there is no hope then there is hope.

[Raymond]

You are being wise Jackie. (I hope he is still not wanting the fun parts) It has to be all or nothing. It seems like it is a case of wait and see due to his present emotional problems. Lets hope some good comes out of this. You are being strong which you need to be in this situation.

Raymond