Advice please - my husband cant see the damage he's doing !

[kaylouise]

Hi everyone,i've come to this forum as i need some advice.I'm sorry if i rabble on a bit but i'll try to explain things as they are.
We've been married nearly 6 years.I have 2 sons aged 25 and 19 who have both left home,the youngest left as he and my husband just dont get on.We have no children together,he has none.I had already been sterelized when i met him due to various problems and having a pulmonary embolism .
My problem is my husband insulting me and i basically feel like i am his replacement mother ,not his wife. Up to 12 weeks ago we were both working full time,both mechanics. He was coming home ,sitting down watching telly and that is his routine.Or he'll go in his motorbike shed and fiddle with his bike (usually on his one day off). I was working a full week,coming home,taking the dogs out,doing the washing,dinner cleaning,shopping etc..... He agreed we should share the 'duties' more- that has never happened.We go out once a year for a meal,he doesnt have any friends apart from work friends. I have friends but he doesnt like any of them ! I dont go out with my friends as he thinks i'll get drunk and roll in at 2 am. For some reason i dont feel able to go out and leave him at home. He wanted to move, after 3 years of talking,we finally did. We didnt move far it was supposed to be a fresh start as i'd been living in the previous house for 16 years,most of them on my own with my sons.
12 weeks ago i had a hysterectomy for medical reasons.beforehand we discussed what little i would be able to do afterwards. During the 4 days i was in hospital he did nothing but moan that he had to get home,feed the dogs ,put the washing on etc...i hoped this may have made him realise how much i do,it didnt. He made one meal for us both.So less than a week after surgery i was doing everything again- except walk the dogs-i physically couldnt walk far enough.
Over the last few years whenever i put on a little weight,and we are talking little,i'm a size 12 - he would remark how he hates fat people.So i was well aware of that problem.I went to keep fit for 3 years to try and keep myself in trim,and to have something of my own to do. Since my op,i admit i've put on some weight.I am still in my size 12 jeans but with a couple of bumps now on my hips.Whenever he's made a remark about my little weight gain,he says he's only joking. Twice ive asked him to not make fun of my body and that at the moment i cant help it. He still does it,to the point that last night i had an itch and made the mistake of scratching my belly in front of him. All i got from him was 'Have you been down the beach ?' 'What?' i said 'well there's a beached whale' meaning me. That may have been funny if it was a one off. I promptly went and had my shower and sat in the bathroom sobbing away ,i just couldn't stop. Ok i thought have a good cry prob' post op hormones,even though i still have my ovaries,so no menopause yet ! he went and played with his motorbike. When he came in from work yesterday,one of the dogs wouldnt eat his dinner,so my husband pretended to eat it,to encourage the dog to eatit. I said thats fine,saves me cooking..he said..it'ld prob taste better than your cooking anyway.
My husband hates his job- new one starting in Feb.So yes he's had stress it seems he's taking it all out on me.When i try to talk to him apparently i'm selfish as its always about me ! If he tries to talk to me,i listen and its usually my fault whatever the problem is...in fact lately even as a joke...it's my fault...but it isnt funny. He has a hot temper so instead of being able to talk it ends up him having a strop and slamming doors,ignoring me totally until i apologise. He knows i hate his temper it goes back to being beaten up many years ago by my sons dad. He seems to enjoy the power it gives him.
Anyway,today i feel totally trodden on,i actually feel really unhappy,sad,tearfull. That isnt me at all,i'm always the cheerfull one,nothing gets me down,apart from him.I dreaded Xmas as he hates it so much,and it was so quiet and miserable,i used to love xmas,family being around etc...i hate it too now.How can he be like this ? Why is he such a miserable spitefull man ? All i've ever done is be good to him.He wont come near me in the bedroom now as if i've been mutilated,and what with my belly having that sag where the op was done,i feel like a freak anyway.
I dont know what to do,i want to say something and get it off my chest but he'll just use it as an excuse to blame me and slam things around...and so it carries on...
is there something i'm 'choosing' not to see here ?
Roll on 12 th Jan when i go back to work i love my job and have friends there.

[kaylouise]

I forgot to mention-
throughout our marriage-whenever the temper rises my husband has always threatened to leave.One day i suggested he does just that if he doesnt want to be here.I also explained to him that i feel very insecure when he says that and that i wait for the day he ups and leaves .The more he says it,the less i rely on him.I am a very independant woman,sorry, i was. I do the decorating he doesnt like decorating....We all have to do things we dont like doing sometimes.I just get on with it.If he doesnt want to do something he wont- final.
I used to love life. Appreciate the fact that i had one. I was so proud that as a single mum,i worked and still raised my boys to be level headed. Now it seems i should be enjoying life now the resposibility of children is not there.Its as if my husband doesnt want me to . I had plans to travel,he wont. Get out a bit,after all i had my eldest when i was 16,i missed out on a lot.My choice yes. My husband was brought up by elderly parents who were very strict.He has an older sister who was the favourite. Brought up in a village,small community. He doesnt drink.I used to but he makes me feel guilty if i have just one glass of wine at xmas,so i dont bother at all now. I dont know....
We went through a very bad patch a couple of years ago and at the time i remember suddenly thinking,he's a control freak,he's controlling my life,to the point now,he can control how i think,because he knows how i'll react and therefore he reacts by temper.
Is this happening because i've let it happen....playing the dutyfull wife ? Doing whats expected of me rather than what i want (with compromise?) Trying desperately to make the marriage work ?
I've noticed not once have i mentioned love....hmm.I get no response when i try to show love/affection. He doesnt even try .I dont know,i'm pretty confused at the moment,and a mental wreck.No doubt i'll get the ' whats the matter with you?' when he gets home from work...it'll end up me being difficult and stroppy one,he wont see how sad and unhappy i am,he'll think i'm just after attention. Maybe he just chooses not to see it,it's easier that way.

[Raymond]

Sounds like a bit of love is needed around your house Kaylouise instead of these thoughtless comments which seem a bit heartless to me. I know the type of man you mean and there are quite a few like that. A wife needs encouragement and compliments not to be pulled down all the time. That is basic.

The best spin I can put on it is that he was allowed to be selfish in his childhood and hasn't really learnt to see the others point of view. He needs to see that and start working on it. A lot of men want something more and because of that they destroy what they already have when in fact they could sow love and encouragement and improve everything all round. Criticism is a killer and a sure way to kill off things. We all have weaknesses and don't need someone to continually point them out when we are already trying to change anyway. We all need acceptance for who we are and can learn to accept others as we would want to be accepted. I'm quite sure he has massive weaknesses which he doesn't see but you are too much of a lady to keep nagging him.

Sounds like he is killing off what he has got even inadvertantly and needs to really work on the marriage and himself.

The scripture tells husbands to love their wives as christ loves the church which is his body. No man ever hated his own body but nourishes it and cares for it. It says a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. Because we become one flesh in marriage (I know this is a mystery) we are loving ourselves when we love our wives. One gets the feeling reading between the lines that it is the husband who is responsible to sow the right things into the marriage and really the wife is a reflection of what he has put into it. This is not to say the wife isn't a person in her own right. She is. We are all individuals as well. But as a wife she will reflect what he has put into it. He really needs to work at it I would say.

This doesn't stop you being an individual at work. You will need that companionship because of what you are going through.

Raymond

[kaylouise]

Thank you Raymond,wise words.
I do think his childhood has a lot to do with the way he is now. He is what i call a real old fashioned man. A man in the old sense- not a modern man. Strangely enough i have mentioned that his moods rub off on me. Its hard being the eternal optimist ,i always look on the bright side of things,he's the opposite.It is wearing me down,rarely i feel this emotionally battered.He is so hard to talk to..always on the defense.It's also the way he talks to me,like i'm a stupid child.If i make a mistake i'm stupid,i dont get ' at least you tried' which it what i would say.
I'm also a bit worried regarding his job change.He'll be taking a big pay cut to have job security.Which means we'll both be earning around the same amount.Thats not good for his male ego. He will be in a job which has no prospects whereas i can go a lot further in my career in our college.I can ask my line manager to start my training as a lecturer and i'll instantly be earning £ 10,000 a year more than i am at the mo. I dont think my husband would be very pleased with that. I run the house,he runs our lives (except when i'm at work). You're right, i wont bite back,i need to chill ,get a grip of my emotions,stand back and see things how they are. I'll wait till we're in a quiet calm situation then maybe try and talk a bit more about us,not just work and the weather.
Thanks Raymond for taking the time and 'listening ' to me .

Kay

[Raymond]

Just a quickie Kaylouise as I'm going out just now. I've just read your second post. It wasn't there when I posted.

You mentioned control. This can be quite a smothering thing. Men do it through fear and women through manipulation but it is not good. You cannot submit to that but you have to learn to know when it is operating. It works against your freewill which is not how a marriage should work. Love does not control. My wife submits to me voluntarily but I never try to control her. There is a difference. You can tell when it is there. There will be anger when he doesn't get his way. The anger can make you fear and submit to things against your better judgment which isn't good. Love seeks not it's own but the good of the other person. Control will try to mold the person to what it wants and cannot stand for the person to have their own ideas. This is the extreme but there may be a measure of the same spirit operating in him which you must resist for your own freedom and wellbeing. I may be wrong but that is what appears to be coming accross.

I agree with you about him threatening to walk out. (part of controlling you?) This goes against the whole marriage covenant which you have which is about security and faithfulness. The marriage should never be used in that way. I can understand how you feel like giving up when he talks like that.

We are going to see Australia the film just now. My youngest son 19 yrs has just spent 6 months there and is feeling nostalgic.

Raymond

[kaylouise]

Well, he came home from work,in a good mood.I think maybe he picked up on my lowness as he was nice to me and although i havent yet totally snapped out of that lowness,he hasn't once insulted me/anything i've been doing.I have hope again. This feeling of being controlled is going to stop , i need to be strong and he needs to accept that i am allowed to have an opinion and express it. He may not like my opinion but thats life !
Thank you for your kind words. I can feel the 'old' me coming through again. When we first met my husband told me it was my total independance and strong character ,my ability to go for what i believe in ,however hard the challenge,the ability to cope with everything thats thrown at me,that attracted him. I am not that same person now. Through his insecurities he has pushed me into being much like him.He needs to compromise too. I shall tactfully grow strong again.
I do think,my returning to work will help me through.I have very strong friendships at work. They are very supportive and trustworthy. I know i'll get the support at work that will help me through my time at home.
I hope you enjoyed your film,it does look good !
Kay

[Raymond]

It was a very good film Kaylouise. I cried at one point or just tears coming out of my eyes. I look across to my wife and son but no tears and I am the man. Must have a soft spot somewhere.

It is okay to have your own views as a contribution to the marriage. A wise man will consider and listen to his wife and not shut her down. There will be times when you need to submit but that will be freewill never through control or fear = domination. I think you are getting that now. Domination is fatal and will tend to destroy your own confidence. If it's there it must be broken but I warn you it will be a struggle and there will be something in him, (if I am right about the control) that will well up in anger. You must resist this. You can be co-operative in other ways but never when he is trying to control you as a person. He admired your independence but seems to be inadvertantly destroying it. You must keep your individuality in the right way. I,m not talking about rebellion just being who you are without chains.

Raymond