I need your assistance

[Imagine_Me_Not]

Hi guys,

I am new to the forum and this is my first post.

I find myself in a difficult situation and although I know what needs to be done, I need some advice on what maybe regarded as the right way of going about it.

I have been married for nearly 4 years. Unfortunately in the last 3 years I have not been able to find any romantic love for my wife. Even during the first year, although at the beginning everything seemed ok, somehow we have grown apart a great deal. The greatest problem between us has always been (I hope I dont sound selfish and proud) that I like to mature as a person intellectually and have always been active and fit physically. Most peopel would say I have a good sense of humour and enjoy to have fun and laugh, but my wife seems to have gone backwards as a maturing person. She always acts like she is maybe, at best 16 and thats just the way she is.

She has been a great friend and has always supported me but romatically I have no feelings for her at all. I have tried so hard in the last three years to focus on all her positive aspects and build some romance, but for me physical appearance has never been the sole catalyst. I have always foudn myself attracted to a partner a great deal more after talking about life and having private deep conversations. My wife just isnt like that.

I blame myself for not considering a great deal of things but there is so much I thought I knew but had no idea about.

TO cut a long story short, I feel that it isnt fair to her or me to be involved in a loveless marriage. The problem that I have is perhaps summed up by someone else:

"the third greatest thing that can happen to you is for you to love. The second greatest thing that can happen to you is for someone to love you and the greatest of all is for the second and third to happen at the same time."

She loves me a great deal. Everyone can see it and I know it will hurt her to break up the relationship but I am miserable and feel totally oppressed. Even though according to the quotation being loved is a great thing, it just doesnt feel that way from my point of view. Thats why I have waited for so long to see if things might change. Though things have only become worse.

We have no kids.

DO you guys think I am right in concluding that divorce would be the right decision? And if you do, please suggest some ways and things to consider to make sure I make it as easy as possible for her.

Thank you so much for your assistance.

[Raymond]

Sounds like you are saying you are to good for her. Obviously your expectations have not born fruit but that is not her fault. Why can't you accept her as she is and pursue your intellectual and keep fit pusuits as well? You have a woman who loves you. No one woman can meet all your needs. We all have to pursue our interests as well. I think it could be a case of aiming too high and ending up with nothing. As humans we can adjust to most things and as you are already married you need to keep working your issues out and not just desert her. I say honour your commitments. I think it will be a bad move going the way you are going.

Raymond

[dave123]

I find myself in a difficult situation and although I know what needs to be done, I need some advice on what maybe regarded as the right way of going about it.


Hi there,

I read your post with some interest as my marriage has experienced the same thing only it was my wife who "knew" what needed to be done. I have to say from my perspective that commitment and vows need to be adhered to unless you have exhausted every other course of action. It sounds like you two fail to communicate at all and that will definitely kill a relationship.

If you have it in you to want to try, then i think you should try to open up to her and maybe go to counseling together. There are ways to leave someone and how you do it will affect your wife massively. Read some posts, read some books, go to counseling on your own to sort out really how you feel. You owe her a lot and you should respect her enough to make all the effort possible.

I am not saying be unhappy for her or anyone's sake. Far from it. But before being rash about a decision based on only your thoughts you need to look at all the options and the long term effects for both of you.

Good luck with your decision, it's good that you have kept your independence as being single can be very hard. I hope 2009 brings you and your partner happiness whether it is together or apart.

Dave

[Imagine_Me_Not]

Thank you for the reply guys. I really appreaciate it. Just to shed some further light to help you help me:

When I noticed the problem some three years ago, I sat with my wife and discussed some avenues to remedy the situation. We got advice from experienced family members, we tried to be more communicative, saw a counsellor and our family doctor who knows us very well and tried some other suggestions as well.

I am not saying she does not meet my expectations physically. She is a beautiful woman. But I have never been out of love in any relationship before. I have always been in love with the person taht I was with and other reasons resulted in a breakdown of the relationship not a lack of love or romance. I never even considered it was possible before we got married.

The difficulty I have is that she has certain traits that has becoming dominant in her character rather than obsolete. For example she never treats my family members with respect, or my friends. SHe has this issue that she does not want me to be shared with anyone. None of my friends are even allowed to call me, especially females, without causing some disagreement. She thinks that if there is anyone else in my life that cares for me it reduces her dominion over me. None of my family members get along with her. This is one of the major obstacles and unless everyone in my family somehow forget everything she has done, the problems will always exist, its too late for them.

On the other hand she is always out with her single friends. I never mind as she has a right to, but she uses it like she is a single person. Her behaviour is always like a person who has never got married. SO I feel short changed because I allow her so much room and I get none with my own family.

She has a very aggressive personality where she does not listen to anyone. ANy suggestions or tips become an insult and she gets upset with whomever it is. Last week she visited her brother and his new bride in another city, only to end up having a PHYSICAL fight with her. I have on many occassions asked her to get counselling to control her anger but she doesnt acknowledge it and the couple of times that we have gone she has made herself seem like an angel and doctor has been fooled.

So, yes she does love me and I appreciate that a great deal and feel very lucky to have her love me so much, but I feel suffocated. I feel oppressed and very depressed.

I hope I have shed a little mre light on my circumstances. Please feel free to ask me direct questions to make you understand what I mean, I dont mind answering. I want to do the right thing in the best possible way.

THank you once again for the assistance.

[dave123]

Hello again,

Thanks for sharing the deeper insights into where you are. I know it wasn't easy to post the first time asking for advice/help is not an easy thing to do. That you did it is a credit to you, and i hope i didn't "judge" the situation in your eyes.

It's really late and i have got work in a few hours and don't want to respond without giving it some thought, it does sound like you're both unhappy and leading fairly disparate lives though. People do change in relationships and it is not the fault of either partner that they do. I know what it feels like to be miserable and depressed within a marriage and maybe if i had the balls i'd have walked before my wife did?! At the very least it couldn't hurt having a real open frank discussion with the W explaining just how she is affecting you and the people you care about. Don't expect an instant good response, give her time to think about what you say. If it's easier then write it down so she can go back to it if needs be. You both deserve to be happy and fulfilled just like everyone does.

Chin up, will post again soon,

Dave 123

[Imagine_Me_Not]

Hello again,

Thanks for sharing the deeper insights into where you are. I know it wasn't easy to post the first time asking for advice/help is not an easy thing to do. That you did it is a credit to you, and i hope i didn't "judge" the situation in your eyes.

It's really late and i have got work in a few hours and don't want to respond without giving it some thought, it does sound like you're both unhappy and leading fairly disparate lives though. People do change in relationships and it is not the fault of either partner that they do. I know what it feels like to be miserable and depressed within a marriage and maybe if i had the balls i'd have walked before my wife did?! At the very least it couldn't hurt having a real open frank discussion with the W explaining just how she is affecting you and the people you care about. Don't expect an instant good response, give her time to think about what you say. If it's easier then write it down so she can go back to it if needs be. You both deserve to be happy and fulfilled just like everyone does.

Chin up, will post again soon,

Dave 123


Thank you for your reply Dave 123.

You are 100% right. This is the most difficult thing I have ever done. Contemplating separation makes me feel so guilty. My father has been divorced twice and on each occassion undoubtedly the fault lay with him. Nevertheless I despised and still passionately hate the thought of breaking a marriage. I thought I would never be one in that situation. I have always cared for my partner in any relationship I have had and never gave up when there were difficult times. No marriage is perfect, no relationship is perfect, its teh efforts that we place on them that make them so worthy and important to us. I understand how much hard work is required but the thing that scares me is that my parents didnt wholeheartedly love each other until they broke up 25 years later and I don't want my kids to be in that situation.

My wife told me that she wanted to spend time doing some things that I enjoyed so we can have more to talk abuot, so she said she will read a book and we could discuss it. I went and got her a couple of books that were to her taste. She opened them and read the first ten pages maybe, then jumped to the centre of the book and read a few more, and in a couple of hours was reading the last few pages. She got some idea of the book but cheated herself of all the pleasure that it could have offered, not to mention that it made me feel even more distant from her. These are certain characteristics in people that we cant change no matter how we are related. When you add many such examples it starts to make you wonder.

I am not perfect, not even close and I realise that, but I put an effort in those things that are important to her, even where I might fail.

I don't know, I am really lost. I feel guilty and depressed and cornered at the same time. I feel like I am the culprit somehow when everyone around me and all my senses tells me that its not really me.