In Shock - it's over

[magicsheep]

This is a long story so please bare with me..

I have been married twice before i met my current husband. Our life had the odd ups and downs but mainly very happy.

There was a lot of issues with his daughter - neglect etc and i agreed that if daughter wanted to live with us that was fine by me as she was going through a very rough time. H said was i sure as we wouldn't be able to move abroad and other plans we had decided. That didn't matter this child had to come first. After a long court battle and £5000 later we got residence.

I was left trying to settle this child down in our family, i have two other kids. It was tough going and H didn't do much to help the situation as it was like SD was mine, not his. For two years I have asked him to spend more time with her and the youngest, he agreed he had to but never did.

Things have settle down now with SD and things looked like there was an end to the long tunnel. I asked H one day if he wanted to be with me, as i felt him being distant, he said 'I don't know'.

He wanted me to give him some space, which i did for 5 weeks. For this time I gave him space, bent over backwards.. truth be told, a doormat. I suffer from depression and anxiety and things were really bringing me down, i couldn't cope with not knowing what was going to happen. I asked him if things had changed enough for him to consider giving things another go.. he said he still didn't know but he very rarely came back from the way he feels in the past and doesn't think he would this time either. His last two serious relationships have ended due to adultery on his partners side, not him. Mine ended because of the same reasons, again the husbands not me.

He didn't/doesn't realise how difficult it was caring for a child with a lot of baggage. We are finally nearly there and the kids now know we are splitting. I have asked him to reconsider and that the kids feelings and emotions are important but he keeps talking about himself and what is important to him.

I have been through this before, granted, but i have never loved someone as much as this and feel so helpless. My brain is mashed, i don't know who i am anymore and i'm worried for the kids, especially SD. We have a house, mortgage in his name, do i leave or stay here.

If anyone knows how i can make this better for anyone or make the transition better i would appreciate it.

Thank you for reading this

[Raymond]

I haven't been through this Magicsheep but there are a lot on here who have and I am sure they will speak up.

It sounds to me you have put everything into this marriage looking after his daughter etc. and now he wants out?

He does sound a bit selfish to me not even taking an interest in his daughter. You have both been the innocent party in previous divorces it is a shame that he seems like he will do the same to you.

As I said I haven't been through this but if it comes to it you may have to fight for what you want. I would said don't leave the house and go for the biggest settlement you can. You have children to support.

I really hope things change but there are signs that he is cooling.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

The unvarnished truth is he got childcare for a troubled child and sounds as if has been irresponsible through other relationships/marriage. I DON'T believe his story that he was innocent with a cheating women/spouse. If that is the case, perhaps they cheated as he was an irresponsible parent and emotionally distant man who was meeting his needs and not the theirs. Sound familiar?

You have been cook, housekeeper and filled in the missing spots and I bet he was out hunting. I think to me he sounds like an easily bored man who gets out when things get stagnant. Show me a marriage with reponsibility, bills and kids and it can get pretty dull with all work and no play. A committed person digs in and doesn't bail out.

Bet you had a short courtship and felt you were saved and entered into this marriage in haste with children and history. Perhaps there were dependency needs to meet or feeling of vulnerability and he looked pretty good and you did not examine it close enough. Sounds to me you have air to hang on to there.

So there is a mortgage and it is in his name? That means you have little out of this BUT you are entitled to help and temporary support or some of the goods if they were obtained during the marriage. Do NOT move out and go see a good lawyer. Check his computer, pockets, drawers and trash cans and keep eyes open. I bet you find he has a friend out there somewhere. That will hurt but gives you a position of strength if he HAS been a bad boy. Personally, I think he has a history pattern and you wanted to believe him when he varnished the story for you.

Did you ever talk to the X-wife? Get what you can and save what you get your hands on now. He does not care if you end up in the street so don't be concerned if you can get some assets. Hope you have some family help. Yes, do talk to the kids but don't play games with feelings and just let them know you care about them. They do not need to hear all the gory details of dysfunctional family. Good luck..You picked a lemon.

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Magicsheep.

I'm sorry for your disappointment & confusion. As I read your post, my mind was screaming "SELFISH!" - him, not you .... I have little to add to 1aokgal's reply.

There is this: YOU have created a happy, secure family life for three children whose lives would have been even more difficult, if not for you. YOU know how to give love, YOU are still capable of trust, YOU have the sensitivity to know when your partner's unhappy. There's nothing wrong with you, Mrs! He's a fool to himself but that's not a thing you can change.

Stand up for your home, your family life and your children. Let him come back to you if he means it (and if you still want him), but turn your attentions to yourself and your family. Gather your friends around you. It looks as though you need someone to remind you how great you are!

I understand why so few people talk to their partners' exes, but I'm a great believer in hearing both sides of a story .... if that's too much to handle, maybe a mutual friend?

Cheers, and good luck.
x

[magicsheep]

1PfZJ2 wow, awesome post.Really thank you! Cool.

[Ageing Grace]

Wow, good for you S :D You've made up your mind, which is half the brain damage over & done with!

Have you talked to a lawyer yet? I don't know the legals (I'm sure there are plenty here who do) but please do what you can to secure the future for yourself and the kids. Initial consultation is usually free, or they'll give you an hour of informed advice for about £80.

GOOD LUCK!!!

AG :)

[magicsheep]

Thank you hun.

Yep saw my solicitor last week, so know where i'm up to.

I'm sure i'll feel better tomorrow but living in the same house is not doing my brain any good

[1aokgal]

Magicsheep...

When you get the physical necessities provided and you have your things around you and know how you get from day to day financially...then you need to do some hard work. Maybe harder than folding that scene there and moving to the next step.

You need to get yourself into a group or counselling or borrow self-help books from the library. Then you brainstorm some memories of the two of you and try to see what pattern was repeated in your choice of partners. Yes, I know that is an ugly confrontaition with the truth and you may or may not know why you chose these men. Are you needy and jumped into the arms of a savior who selects women in need who depend on them? Then you have to become stronger and not dependent on another. Do you have some problem emotionally that comes from a dysfunctional childhood? Then you have to go back to working through these early problems so you can resolve what baggage you carry into your adult life. We all have some of this. These childhood experiences shape our adult personality and it sets the stage for those men we do invite into our lives.

Selections are not random for we are drawn to certain types to fulfill needs which we have. The formula is not working for you. See if you can keep a diary and go back and think what it was that attracted you and then see if you figure the reason. The exercise is not to beat up on you but to change patterns or take a different path in future.

When no man is in your life it is a GREAT time to work on personal issues as weight, fitness, employability and perhaps schooling/training for better situation. Let's face it when a man is around women tend to buzz around the man and forget her own needs. Now you have time to pedicure, manicure and do things that will help you deal with the new path in life.

I say celibrate this ending and don't look back. How many good years would you waste on that user? Be glad it came to be over the way it did and you are not five years older. When one door shuts usually a better one opens in time. Get ready for destiny to give you a better shot at a good life. He sounded like a perfect CREEP. Why would a nice lady like you want to waste time on sucha loser? Have a glass of bubbly with a friend that is over and you got all the bad stuff now on your backside and not walking through more ugly truths about him.

He will go forward and CREEP up some other womans' life ..because he has a need to destroy. He is selfish to the core. Be glad you don't have another day to experience his shallow personality and dysfunctional view of living. Pity the next woman. Wish him the worst things you can...no harm in that, but no anger or betrayal because he can't help himself as he stumbles through life. He is just a big fat loser.

[Hilary]

Now is the time for you to be very focussed on meeting your needs and those of your children. Be hard hearted about the money. I don't know what the financial arrangements are where you live, but make sure you leave with as much as you can - every bit makes a difference.

having said that - what is important to him? You say he keeps talking about himself and what is important to him. So what did he feel was missing or wrong?

And what are your thoughts about those things?

and

[magicsheep]

You'll all be pleased to know i'm moving on.

Have managed to find a house, car and will be taking majority of the furniture.

Looking at things now i realise i was too busy pleasing him and not me.

I'll keep you updated

Thank you for the support

[1aokgal]

Magicsheep

Well Done! Don't panic and take it one problem at a time. We will think of you and wish you the best