my husband had an affair

[honeybeee]

i am back because i was not completely honest about the state of my marraige in my last thread.for the last ten years (since i had a miscarriage) i have been really frigid and not giving myself to my husband as i should have done,maybe once a month if he was very lucky, but usually 6-8 weeks was the norm,and that was only under pressure.a quick one at that, not even making it pleasurable for him.he even had the snip done to prevent me getting pregnant again but it didn't change my sexual feelings at all,our sex life was still the same.since my last thread i have found out that his affair lasted for 8 months,he had oral sex about a dozen times but didn't go the whole way,but he said thats why he stopped it because he could see where it was leading to and that he was in danger of becoming heavily involved with her emotionally.i don't know what to think now,i don't know why i keep asking questions because it is doing my head in and his.i feel as if i am driving him to a nervous breakdown as he is getting more and more emotional, keeps crying and saying that he will take this guilt to his grave, that is the only way out. he can't believe what he has done, its as if he has come out of a shell that was the other person for a while.he says that he was in a hole and couldn't get out,that he was backed into a corner.he is so remorsefull, but i am worried he might go over the edge if i keep going on about it.he is petrified of our grown up children finding out, he thinks that they will hate him forever.i would never tell them.he says he is so lucky to have me and that he will never go off the rails again,but he is getting paranoid about me, checking my phone,thinking that i am having an affair with one of our friends in particular.i am not, we are just friendly and i suppose i was flirting with him quite a bit to try and make my husband jealous, so he knows how it feels.i just want us to go back to how we was ten years ago, i don't want another man, i only want him, i still love him so much.our sex life has improved tremendously, as if a switch has been turned on in my head that was in the ''off'' position to ''on''.now i want him all the time and that has helped us, but i still can't get over the thoughts of him with this other woman. where are we going? i want to start a new year with a new marraige, not the old one. any comments would be greatly appreciated, it really helps to hear other peoples opinions and advice-THANKYOU.

[moyes123]

Hi honeybee,

Sounds like you husband is willing to put right his wrongs which is a good thing. You have something to work for and i would say go to councelling and talk about everything so it is all out in the open and you both know how you feel. The best way is to be honest with each other and understand each other as well.

My husband also had an affair but didn't want to do councelling as he had already made his mind up to be with the other woman and believes that is the best thing for him. I hate him for it but i would only be hurting myself staying with him.

Hope things work out for you.

Moyes x

[Raymond]

Honeybee you have everything to go for now. It was not right what your husband did but at least he knows that. There were mitigating circumstances such as the lack of sex in the marriage. Thank goodness that is not the case now and there is no reason why things will not be much better. You both need to cultivate faithfulness to each other and not even play around with others trying to make the other jealous. You don't need to play that game just to love each other and be there for each other. Keep the bedroom thing going as that is important, both of you learning what makes the other tick. Marriage is a fantastic thing and the intimacy you have is for you alone not to be shared with others. By this I mean the bedroom intimacy. It is so important to keep this pure in the sense of reserving it just between the two of you, not polluted by porn or anything like that.

You both have to learn to move on now putting the past behind you and you extending your forgiveness to a repentant husband who knows he did wrong. I think you both will be able to cultivate a really good marriage and learn from the past mistakes.

Raymond

[jkk]

Hi honeybee,

my husband is also checking up on me, after he had an affair. I think some people expect their partners to get revenge by also having an affair. I have told mine that i love him and do not want revenge; to check up on me all he wants: two wrongs don't make a right: it wouldn't help our marriage: and i will not participate in childish, tit for tat behaviour.

It's not right to deliberately play about with peoples emotions - especially when they are vulnerable. Rise above it!

Counselling might help you both understand and cope with the effects of the affair.

JKK