s staying in contact a bad idea??

[moomin]

i split from my H back in the summer after he had an affair and then decided he wanted to carry on his fun rather than come home and try and work the marriage out. We have however kept in touch and despite a fraught start things are actually quite friendly at the moment, i even saw him for a drink over xmas.

He seems quite remorseful now, hes 'apparently not seeing her' anymore, although is open about the fact that they are still friends (hmmmm). He has made sounds that he'd like to come home although i have said no, i still think he has a lot of issues and i am even seeing someone else now. He also accepts fully the blamefor his actions and knows he is the one with problems (1/4 life crisis seems to be on the increase!!)

I have found it hard to cut my H out completely - ive spent my whole adult life with him and genuinely believe he was the big love of my life, my soulmate. And im not entirely sure ive done the right thing not giving things a second chance, what if he has changed and can now after loosing it all, appreciate what he use to take for granted...?

I dont want him back now though, im just getting my strength and self worth back and i want the opportunity to see how i feel about my new guy now that ive come off my antidepressants and should hopefully be able to feel things again... but cant rule out mayeb trying again later in the year.

Am i wise to keep the friendly contact going so i can give myself this opportunity later on down the line or am i just setting myself up for more heartache??

Do cheaters really give up the contact with the skags they are have had their affairs with if they still care about them as my H must if they still friends??? the thought of us trying again but him having contact her would literally kill me.

The books seem to suggest you can have stronger marriages after - can this really happen or is it just an ideal by people that dont agree with divorce!!?? i cant imagine how i could even start to believe a word that would come out of my Hs mouth if he was around again....

[jjjj_jjjj]

I think its different when men and women have affairs. Men usually do it simply for sex and women tend to get emotions involved. That is why men usually throw their mistress's away the second the wife finds out. The fact that your H did the most selfish thing he could and leave you speaks volumes about his character. If you do not plan on staying with him you should cut him out of your life. Keeping him around will make it hard to get over everything and it will be a strain on your future relationships.

[Raymond]

If you ever have him back there should be conditions. Your trust has been broken and it will take a long time to build this up again. Is he really sorry about what he has done? Is he prepared to work at regaining your trust? Are you even willing to let him try? Yes marriages have been fixed. The ingredients are repentance from the offending party and forgiveness from the wounded party. Without that you are going nowhere. Remorse is different from repentance. Remorse is being sad that it did not work out and now you want the first thing back. Repentance is really seeing how wrong you have been morally and how you have wounded your spouse and betrayed the trust and wanting to put it right.

If the right ingredients are there it can work. If they are not then you could be opening yourself to more betrayals up the road.

Raymond