My husband says he no longer loves me - help!

[sadness]

After 19 years of marriage my husband has decided the love has gone. He says it's him thats changed not me and he doesn't know why. He feels it's best for him to leave, despite us having two daughters. He doesn't think his relationship with them will change and they'll cope. We have always had a very happy marriage, but he tells me he's been feeling differently for several months. What shall I do? Anything I suggest he resists or gets angry. I still love him dearly and don't want him to leave. Is counselling the answer?

[Raymond]

Maybe counseling will help. I find this is quite a common problem because of a current philosphy based solely on feelings. i.e. I don't feel I love you anymore so that's it. The reality is that we make a commitment in marriage based on faithfulness which is part of real love. Feelings will always follow this commitment. Our feelings are not always correct and therefore we cannot always trust them. Not many desert their children because they don't feel they love them anymore. Some do but we know this is not right.

I feel that if your husband understood what marriage is he would stay with you and make it work. Something based on only feelings will be very shaky. Really there should be something more concrete than just feelings. Reasons for this as opposed to feelings will give you both something to work on. I don't feel I love you anymore is unfair and elevating feelings to a place they should not have. Feelings are important and can serve us but they should be subject to other greater principles such as love and commitment.

I hope your husband can learn this kind of principle before it is too late.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

I'd be wary of any sudden change of feeling in this way, there is normally a reason behind it.

If he isn't prepared to talk things through with you then he's unlikely to want to go to counselling, but there is no harm in bringing the subject up.

After 19 years of marriage he owes you a proper explanation and at the very least a real reason for this change of feeling... sadly in my experience that's not always the way it works.

Good luck

Helen

[Raymond]

Helen has a point which I didn't want to touch but which begs the question is there any outside infuluence happening which you are not aware of?

Raymond

[moyes123]

Hi Sadness,

I've only been with my husband 8yrs 4 months and married for 3 yrs 4 months but he said exactly the same to me back in November although we don't have any children.
"it's not you it's me", "you've done nothing wrong" and it goes on. Found out a wk l8er he had a 1 nite stand with some1.

I've decided to let him go, not get away with it though. I also believe in 'what goes around comes around' so eventually things will not be so great for him. It was a brave decision to make but there will be light at the end of the tunnel and i deserve better.

We did try councelling but he had already made his mind up, if your husband is willing to go then i'd say yes do it as it will help to talk about it all and if you don't stay together at least you will have closure.

I do hope things work out for you, it is hard at 1st but it will get better. I'm still in the process of it but feel life goes on and look after number 1 now.

All the best Moyes x

[sadness]

Thanks for the replies. I am hurting so badly at the moment any help is welcomed. I'm staying with family at the moment with my children too - to give my husband space and thinking time, sadly this seems worse. We are talking regularly on the phone, but he is becoming angry and more insistent that once love has gone it won't come back. It appears he's going through a mid-life crisis with irrational thoughts and behaviour, although he is insistent it doesn't exist. He days he doesn't want to be in a marriage in 40 years time full of regret - but until now we have had a very happy family life - this is what has changed things. I feel he is being very selfish and is creating a barrier between us. I don't know what to say or do for the best, because I do believe we have something worth saving and if become difficult now I could ruin any hope of a future.

[Raymond]

On the two similar cases we have had on here it turned out that there was some hanky panky going on behind the scenes. Are there any signs of this?

Raymond

[sadness]

A two night stand - I am assured of nothing more - On returning I was assured it meant nothing and he realised at home with me was where he wanted to be - this was also very recently, but now he claims he only felt that way through guilt. Incidently I forgave me wholeheartedly,

[Raymond]

You reveal a lot in your few lines sadness. Sleeping with someone else when you are married is a massive thing, namely adultery. You've done well to forgive him but now he says he only came back because of guilt. He felt guilt because he was guilty and is making light of something that was very serious. I feel there is a wanderlust happening with the consequential undermining of the marriage, which will always be the case when the sexual drive is diverted outside of the marriage.

It is good to forgive but when there is no real repentance not much has been gained. There will be something that has come between you until he is really sorry for what happened and could happen again from what I judge of his mindset. I hope I am wrong.

This is nothing to do with finding himself etc. It is just unfaithfulness dressed up with something else. I think you ought to know what is happening and treat it for what it is. There is a danger he could have his cake and eat it but you musn't allow that. I think you have to really watch him and interpret the signals.

Raymond

[dave123]

Hi Sadness, my wife has said exactly the same to me. There is nothing i can do to change her mind other than continue being the man i am and hope that one day her feelings change. What Ray said was awesome about feelings and commitments but it doesn't work unless the other person feels the same about marriage and life. The barrier you mentioned is exactly the same in my situation so you're not alone. My W tried counseling once and will not go back. The barrier that she has up will not allow her to really "feel" the effects of what her decision has done. I hope your H will not be the same.

I hope that whatever happens you come out of this happier, and more fulfilled.

Good luck.

D123

[lanzarotedoll]

Hey Sadness

Have to say Ive been where you are and still am. I've been reading through your replies and see that they are more or less the same advice I got which helped me along through bad times. My husband and I were drifting apart and we werent really aware of it so much so he went on a works night out and ended up chatting some woman up who he met on 2 or 3 occasions after the initial meeting. He says nothing happened it was just for coffee and incidentally she did too as I got the opportunity to speak to her over the phone.

After it was out I was devastated and thats when he said he didnt know if he loved me the same way he did. So finding out the love of your life has deceived you as well as doesnt love you any more is a major blow to you. I have been to hell and am trying hard to get back onto an even keel. We tried counselling but he didnt want to do it so it didnt work. We're back together but its not the same. He says he's sorry for what he did but it doesnt change the fact about how he feels. Many of my friends etc have said it looks like he's going through a mid life crisis. I think he is. Now I wish we had stayed apart as he left for only 2 months and we saw one another daily as we have 2 kids. He feels guilt about leaving us but wants to be happy. I can't believe that someone is in the same situation as me!

Raymond has given me some wise advice which has given me a lot of soul searching. Despite being back to square 1 feeling like rubbish I know I can get by because I did it for 2 months.

I hope you have a better year. Im hoping for a happier time. You'll be thinking of nothing else other than your situation which is hellish. But there is a way out. I've not quite got there but Im confident I will.

Good luck.

LD
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