help please.....

[gingertree]

hello everyone, i posted about a year ago, shortly after i discovered that my husband was having an affair. i was in shock & became quite ill. after that i asked him to leave. he went to stay with friends & after a week he phoned to say that he had finished with her & wanted to come home for a new start. within 3 weeks he began to have contact with her again & i became insecure & paranoid (questioning his every move.) i had a breakdown & so did he. i was very concerned about him & tried to look after him even though i was on the brink of madness. he didn't leave to be with her & she eventually finished with him. (he blames me for this not working out with her) she started seeing someone else & i have heard that she is very happy with him still. my husband has been sleeping on the sofa since last february & wouldn't even make eye contact for a while, which made me feel terrible. he now speaks to me, but, says "it's over & he can do whatever he likes now." he goes out 5 nights a week to pubs or music gigs & has gone from someone who was very family orientated & being a bit of a loner, to having literaly hundreds of friends on facebook. he meets with other women all the time. i do believe that most of them are friends...........but recently i know he took one on a proper date. he says "the world is my oyster" every time he leaves the house i suffer great anxiety, wondering what he is doing or what he is up-to. occassionaly he stays out all night. he seems to think that it's ok to live like this untill he finds someone who means something more & only then will he think of moving out from the home. he has many complaints about me especially about my not working. but i gave up my career to care for our daughter who was born with a serious medical condition & also seems to have aspergers. things are not easy at home. he is an artist & poet & i have always supported him &encouraged him. he seems to have completly rewritten history...........& cannot see this. he says i have always held him back & hung onto his coat-tails! also, he will not accept that he has done anything wrong. he says he hasn't loved me for 15 years, but even before that he had many many affairs & one night stands,... & anyway, i know this to be false because once when he thought i was interested in somone else he begged me not to leave him. (even though this was never my intention) i feel so mixed up & my self-confidence is rock bottom. i am tring to go out & socialise but it's hard,...& i end up boring everyboby because i only talk about him & the situation. strangely,... i still love this man with all my heart. we have been together for 27 years now but the person he has become seems like a stranger in the house. i down-loaded a self help book to try to help but i dont think it is working. i do not cry as often as a year ago but sometimes i want to scream..........& the book says to always smile. it's so difficult. he is the only man i have ever loved.......advice please ?

[dave123]

Hi Gingertree, sorry that you are in such a difficult situation.

I think now is the time for you to put yourself first in all aspects of your life. I'm not sure why you are still living together when both of you sound so unhappy. Because of the situation with your child it must be very difficult. I think you need to ask your partner to leave and to provide for you in a proper way. It sounds like he is contributing little help if any to the situation at home, and going out all the time plus the hurtful comments will definitely chip away at your self esteem.

Your friends won't be bored of you, they will just be wanting you to take control of yourself and improve your life. If you need to unload you can always do it on here or with a counsellor, or with a patient and understanding friend.

The only person you can control is you, as hard as is it, this is an opportunity to make your life happy and fulfilled.

Best of luck, and i hope you can make 2009 considerably better than 2008.

Dave

[calmfornow]

Hi Gingertree,

I'm afraid you need to kick him to the kerb. He will never realise what he's throwing away until you do. From what you say in your post he's barely there anyway so you wouldn't really notice a difference once he's gone. He has no respect for you and your child and I'm afraid you are little more than a place to stay when he feels like it. These are not the actions of a real man and you need to concentrate on yourself now and forget him. Start 2009 as you mean to go on and make him take responsibility for his actions.
Wishing you all the best,
cfn. x

[Helen_uk]

I agree with cfn... You have to set boundaries and at the moment there just aren't any. Difficult as it may seem this man is controlling your life with his behaviours and that isn't healthy for either of you.

If he wants the world to be his oyster as you say then he needs to be doing it in a place of his own and not the marital home where you're being forced to witness it.

He is showing neither you nor your marriage or child any respect. He needs to learn that the consequence of acting like a single man is that he gets to live like one ALL the time.. that includes doing his own washing, paying his own bills and cooking for himself !

Hard as it may be to do, take it from me, your emotional health will recover far quicker when you're not being forced to sit and watch the man you've spent 27 years married to acting like a 15 year old.

Hope you have a peaceful new year.

Helen