He's avoiding me

[Debs]

Hi,
I could really do with some good advice. My husband Paul and I have been together now for 11 years and have two kids. The problem is that I really feel that he's avoiding any intimacy with me. We have made love only twice in 6 months recently and it seems whenever I make the first move he turns right off. Ever since we first got together it has always been when he's in the mood, if I show any interest it almost seems like it turns him off. It sounds awful to say but when ever I said I didn't want to make love that night he would see that almost as a challenge.
It's got to the stage now where I'm fed up playing mind games and feel resentful that he doesn't want to spend any time with me. Tonight for instant, he's picked an arguement over something really trivial because he knows that I want us to be together. I shall go to bed and he will wait until I'm asleep before he comes to bed. He will refuse to discuss it tomorrow. Please help, I do love him but I can't carry on like this. I'm feeling so rejected. He doesn't see it as a problem and says that it's not important. What can I do?

[Unregistered]

If you figure this one out, please let me know. My husband has been exactly the same way after only six months of marriage. We've been married only 1 1/2 years, and the problem continues. I've had so many different wonders about what the heck is going on, but no answers. I've wondered if he was gay, but I found out that he secretly looks at nasty stuff on the internet, and also has a porno movie hidden in his closet (women). This, even though he says that his drive is just naturally low, and it's just not that big a deal to him. He doesn't see a problem, and doesn't really seem to care much that it's a problem to me. He never wants to talk about it, and avoids me as much as he can. I've wondered if his testoterone levels are low, and I want him to go to the doctor, but he doesn't even want to discuss that. He gets extremely angry when I bring it up. He's very good to me in other ways. It seems as though he tries to make up for what he's lacking by doing other things. The avoidance is horrible though. It breaks my heart every time he knows I want it to happen, and he purposely avoids me in different ways. Please e-mail me at seebeesss@yahoo.com if you have answers, or if you just want to discuss our problem with this together. I'd really like to talk with someone about it. It really hurts.

[Kate]

Just thought I might point you to the area of the site which offers advice about difficulties in sexual relationships (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/).

We've certainly found from folks posting here that lack of interest in their love life is often linked to men (or women) being involved with pornography (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/). They can feel guilty, struggle with fantasies and lose interest in normal love making.

Another factor that might be relevant to some situations is that men get a lot of their self worth from making love. They also often fear failure or inadequacy and so can be hesitant and reluctant if they fear they will not be able to live up to their own or their wives expectations of them in this department. Recognising this can sometimes help wives to realise the importance of affirming their man and showing him how much they value him. This may sound as if one party is having to do all the giving, but that's often what can tip the balance in a difficult situation in marriage.