Don't know what to do

[Emmi]

Don't really know how to start this, but I have posted a couple of times on here to get advice, then things seem to go ok, then they turn bad again. What I really need advice on is how to learn to trust someone who has spent the first 18 of the 22 years you have been together lying to you about tiny things right up to massive things. As far as I know my Hubby hasn't physically cheated on me, but he has had a text thing with a woman for a couple of weeks, then I caught him with sex contacts he ripped out of a paper. He tells me he has done nothing like that in the last 5 years and things were "settled" for a while, then he came home from work and had the number of a work collegue (half his age) stored in his mobile. Things really kicked off when he got a text he immediately deleted and he said it was from a woman in his office thanking him for the secret santa present and she got the number from the young girl he works with. Doesn't sound funny to some folk but he always used to show me his texts the same as I do with him, but he blushed and deleted this one without anyone else being shown it. I just feel like he is back to what he was like before and it is eating me up inside so much my GP has put me on a high dose of antidepressants. I can't sleep or eat and I can't function properly. I was trying to talk to him earlier about it but he told me he is effing fed up saying he is doing nothing wrong and basically he's sick of the fact that I can't get over it. To be honest I think a lot of the problem is that whenever we have had problems we never get them resolved as he wants to ignore it. He has the" what's done is done so get over it" attitude whereas I'm a talker and like to get things resoved so they don't happen again.

Doea anyone have any advice?
Am I mad?

Thanks
Emmi

[dave123]

For starters you're not mad!
It sounds like your husbands behaviour is really upsetting you. Regardless of whether or not he is doing anything illicit he needs to recognise the effect his actions are having. If he is willing i'd suggest couples counseling to try and get things out in the open and hopefully put them behind you. I was an "ignore it", "put it behind us" kinda guy and eventually my wife walked out. It took her going for me to recognise just how deep our issues were and how upset she was. Opening up in the last few weeks has changed my outlook on my life and our married life. If you can get your man to do that before it's too late then good luck.

All the best,

Dave

[Raymond]

Maybe he is doing nothing illicit yet but the danger signs are there with the flirting at work sex contacts from the paper etc. What is going on here? He is giving all the wrong signs. It is no way to build up the marriage he has with you and inspire your trust.

As Dave has said he should be resolving things with you and not papering them over. He is walking on the edge in my opinion.

Raymond

[Starmate]

Hi Emmi,

I can relate to you so much. My hub is not playing away but his previous behaviour makes this debatable. He's a really nice guy and I love him to pieces, but no backbone, completely spineless. And the thing is, its this character trait that has worked in his favour for years. I am just not like that, things get to me and I cannot hide my feelings (though have tried to from him many times). He makes out that I am the one with the problem because I always instigate a 'we need to talk' moment. If it wasn't for me doing that then everything would be swept under the carpet - I need to talk about things and it is crippling not to do so. I don't understand how I am supposed to deal with loving someone so much but dont feel that its been returned in any way. Sometimes its just like living with a friend.

It's not healthy not to be able to voice your opinions or talk things through. It's only destructive and what makes it worse is someone telling you that they dont want to talk about things that matter to you. Its like saying, "I am the boss, we will speak if and when it suits ME"! Its so disrespectful also. I would never not be there for him. Makes me feel as if I dont matter and I'm just an inconvenience to him.

I am also on antidepressants, quite a high dose. I dont cope with stress very well so when things do get heated, I always end up in a right state whereas he can carry on as normal not a care in the world. We deserve to be listened to.

I think you should lay it on the line with your hub. No arguing or shouting just ask the question and if he's lying he will have to live with that.

He would be sorry if you weren't there for him.


Take care,
Star
xxx

[Raymond]

It is a weakness of men Stargate not to listen to their wives but it is very important. I think it is one gift women bring to a marriage. Keeping short accounts makes things run smoother. Part of loving your wife is to listen to her and try to understand her. I find my wife is much happier when I do that and I get the benefit of her happiness.

Raymond