Always fighting

[Unregistered]

I've never been to this site before but I'm very confused and need some advice.

I've been with my husband for seven years (married for almost four years). We've been fighting so much over the last six months that I just don't know what to do anymore. We fight over the little things, cut eachother off, yell and lately we've even resorted to name calling. We don't live in lala land...we have aruged at times, but in the past we were able to aruge like adults without knocking eachother down emotionally.

Lately, we've been fighting every day and it makes me sick to think that this is what we're showing our 15 month old daughter that marriage is. We don't call names or yell in front of her, but the constant bickering can't be good for her to hear, especially since it's not productive. I don't want this for any of us. I've been thinking that maybe we would be better off on our own, but I know that this isn't the answer...we've had alot of happy time together and I'm sure that we can work through this. I just don't know how.

I have a lot of issues with our marriage right now that are probably contributing to the constant fighting, the biggest being I work in the mornings and my husband works afternoons. I'm starving for adult conversation and companionship. I'm so lonely and I just wish that my husband worked a normal shift so that I'm not along all afternoon and night. (Well, I'm not really alone, I have my daughter, but I wish that we could function as a family in the evening).

I don't feel loved or needed by my husband. It breaks my heart that we've gotten to this point.

I have talked to him about this many times and we've stated that we're going to change how we treat eachother every time, but every time within days (or hours), the old pattern returns.

Is it normal to go through such a long period of fighting like we have? I want us to be be like we used to be. I would really appreciate any insite on this.

Thanks.

[Liz]

Once we get into a cycle of fighting, it can be hard to break out of it. Each time you hurt each other and if that hurt isn't healed it adds to the fuel, next time around. You can begin to keep a score of wrongs and see life as a battle to be won.

There are some ideas on how to fight constructively in this article (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/fightwork/). You sound as though you've spotted some of the pitfalls to avoid like name-calling. if you really want to break the cycle then you can only at this stage change yourself. That means fighting fair even if your husband doesn't. It means owning your own mistakes and asking for forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/forgive/) for them even if he doesn't forgive or seem to understand. It means forgiving him every time and not trying to exact revenge for the times he hurts you.

You've also identified the need to have time together in a constructive way. There must be times when you are at home together, even if it's only at weekends or between shifts. Why not try and plan that time to do something fun together. You might even try and see if someone in the family will have the baby for a while so you can just be the two of you.

You could consider doing a marriage enrichment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) weekend - they are designed to help you build on the positive in your relationship and are really helpful, when the reality of everyday life hits a marriage and you know you can't depend on the romance and "loving feelings" carrying you throught he difficult times.

Your baby will get older and you will end up having more stimulating conversations with her. My children are growing up and I know our time with them at home is short, so if you can try and find wasy to enjoy the season your in - it won't come back again.

[Unregistered]

Liz,
Thanks so much for the pointers. I have printed off the articles that you suggested. We had a discussion and my husband and I both know that we need to try really hard to start treating eachother with respect and working through our problems in a more constructive way. We will try to do it on our own, but if we can't we both agree that marriage counceling is the next step.
I just wanted to tell you that I do appreciate the time that I'm with my daughter. I know that I sounded a little sour, but I was just extremely depressed about the fighting going on in my marriage. I know that I'm extremely lucky to only have to work a couple of hours a day and to be the one to be with her all day long! :)
Thanks again for your response!