He's moved out so that we can both sort our heads out

[lizzzzie]

:confused: We've been together for 4.5 years now. It's been a turbulant ride on many levels... I have always had issues around addictions (I use alcohol as an emotional crutch) and he had only just come out of rehab after a 7 year heroin habbit when we met. I'm not sure that our problems can be directly linked to addictions, more the underlying problems attached to them. To cut a long story short...he has moved out after his behavior became too much for me. I have been a victim of a form of domestic abuse, particularly jealousy and verbal. I do understand that he is unable to think in a rational way and when he has a feeling it is bigger/more intense than that of a normal person. Heroin makes you numb and stops you developing coping strategies.....I hear you say..."she's excusing his behavior". I know all about the pattern of DV and do realise that I am playing a role. I work with young people who have come from terrible backgrounds and who are desparate to change their lives. If I didn't believe that people can change I would have to pack the job in....and I see see people change..but it takes time. I just wonder...at the age of 39...whether I should just move on and find someone else. Or should I work with him on this one and see if psycothereapy (for us both)is the answer. I can't help thinking that his moving out is such a backward step....but there was no alternative. Will it work this living apart thing? Can we build a friendship? Sex has never been a problem so I don't have that to worry about...but I feel so negative about everything. I would love to know if anyone else has had this sort of experience and come through it stronger and together.
P.S If I stay with him my family (parents) will disown me!!

[Ageing Grace]

Lizzzzie, I'm sorry nobody replied to your post but I see you've been around, so maybe you will read this.

Yes I have known many couples with addiction problems - one, that I can think of, are still together (both alcoholics) but they aren't very happy, nor are they sober. As you know: a highly motivated, stable & utterly sober partner can help a recovering addict stay clean .... but that doesn't describe you as a couple, does it? Even in those cases, the addict often leaves once their need for the supporting partner has diminished.

You issue is not your negative feelings, or even your drinking. It's your co-dependency. You said it yourself.

Quit. You are not your partner's therapist. He is not the caring, supportive man who will help you to be happy. He's not even much of a friend. There's no reason on this earth why you should stay with him. Is he going to NA meetings? If you want to help, go along to a few and get some insight.

Yes, psychotherapy would be a very good idea for you.

Not what you want to hear: sorry.

AG