Is there something wrong with me?

[Debs]

Hi,
I'm at the end of my tether, just don't know what to do and could badly do with some advice.
My husband and I have been together 11 years and I love him a lot, not the romantic love that we had at the beginning but more comfortable.
My problem is that throughout all this time we only make love when he wants to. If I instigate it or show any signs that I want to he turns right off. If I ask him if he's coming to bed with me at the end of the day, he will say yes, in a minute but not come upstairs until hours later.
I've tried being patient and waiting for him to be in the mood but it's so frustrating!!! Even when he is, we make love on his terms. He has to be in control. The truth is he's more likely to be in the mood if he thinks that I'm not.
I've tried talking to him but he doesn't like to discuss it, and doesn't see it as a problem.
I've bought sexy undies and tried all sorts of things but to no avail. It's got to the stage that we make love very infrequently. Once every few months if I'm lucky.
I know you can't expect the romantic love to last but I'm only 41 and not ready to kiss my love life goodbye.
He' s not having an affair and I know He loves me but it's driving me mad. Please help......

[Liz]

Dear Debs,

We're sorry that no-one has replied to your posting sooner.

Have you had a look at the area of the site on Sexual Fitness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthsex/). It has some articles on unequal sex drives which you might find helpful. It's a shame that your husband is unwilling to talk about things, but such an area is a very difficult one to talk about. We are surrounded by sexual images in the media and apparently "liberated" sexually, but our sexual performance is something very close to our hearts and often tied up to our self worth. This is probably even more true for men.

It's therefore a very delicate subject to tackle with him. I hope you can get some ideas from the resources on the site and find some way to get him talking.

Overall you might consider doing some marriage enrichment. Often our sex lives are intimately tied in with our confidence in each other and our overall openness. A marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) is a good antidote to the disappointments and disillusionments which are very common in marriage. Why not treat yourselves to one.