Same old problem i suppose!!

[Liam]

Am I being human or just plain selfish. Im having a lot of trouble with this. yes its to do with the old problem of sex. My wife has quite a low sex drive, to her its just a messy irrelevant act that she does not want to do, beds are for sleeping in. Me, well I have, I think, a normal sex drive, in that if we did it everyday it would get boring, two or maybe three times a week would be great. We are both in our late twenties and been married for eight years now. We have two lovely kids and we still can laugh a lot together, we are good friends to each other.
However, in january of this year my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, yes it was devastating and it turned our world upside down. we were both positive and my wife went through some horrible treatment, she was very strong and she is thankfully healthy again and she is looking gorgeous, as she always has done.
During the period i refer to as the illness, we had sex no more than once a month, to be honest if we hadn't done it at all I would not have cared, i was greatful that she was here with me.
To cut a long story short my wife has now recovered and is back at work, albeit im sure there are mental scars still to heal. My problem now is my wife just does not want to make love, I still know that its only a short period of time after the illness but she assures me that sex will never be high on her agenda again, the thought of it repulses her.
The fact is that I cannot go through life without making love, its just not an option. i have spoke to my wife about seeing someone about it but she turns it down flat(not that id know someone to go to). She says things to me such as ,"go and do it with someone else" and similar, the fact is that Im not a bad looking bloke and i have had offers before (not taken them up), it would be very easy to do this and the more she says it the more it sounds like a good idea. I know this is not the answer and it would only damage the marriage, i know that if i did have sex with another woman, my wife would be devastated, quite rightly, just as I would be if she did the same.
I do love my wife but the more I think of this the more it gets me down.
I realise that her illness is probably still affecting her, I am ok with this, but selfishly or not, only to a point. I dont know when that will be.
Am I being totally selfish, I certainly feel that way at the moment. I cannot talk to my wife about this, god ive tried. can someone give me some sort of answer.

[Kate]

You've both been through a lot together this year by the sound of things. I've known of couples before who've struggled with these issues after breast cancer. If your wife had surgery she may be feeling uncomfortable physically. She may be run down and the treatment may have affected her hormones or left her lethargic and tired. She may be struggling with strong feelings about her body or her attractiveness. It is possible that the treatment and the trauma your wife has been through have affected her more than she realises.

Cancer Help (http://www.cancerhelp.org.uk/help/default.asp?page=3631) have an article on the effects of treatment. Breastassured (http://www.breastassured.com) has some articles written by women who have faced breast cancer and how they felt about themselves and their relationships.

Many couples struggle with different sexual appetites. It's sometimes hard for women to understand the physical needs that a man has, which can be very different to those of a woman. Have you seen the article on the site, Sex Drives: His and Hers (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/sexdr/). Although its written from a woman's point of view it might give you some ideas for a way forward. There is also an article, What Happened to our Sex Life (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/whathappened/), which might be worth reading.

Your wife may be feeling very insecure or hurting inside and appreciate tenderness and understanding with no strings attached. Sometimes we women respond to gentleness when we know nothing is being pressured on us and we can find our way back to enjoying sex again. That is hard on you, but it may be what your wife needs from you at the moment.

Nowadays sex is often seen more as an exercise for personal satisfaction rather than an expression of mutual love and affection. Perhaps your wife needs to have reassurance that you love her and don't want to make love with anyone else. She may also need to know that you want to make love to her because you want to express your love for her, not just to have sex.

If you can both talk to each other about your feelings, even the tough ones without blaming them on each other, then you might find a way forward to understand one another. It sounds as if you may have to be patient as she seems to be unwilling to face the issue. One of the articles on Breastassured said that communication was important, even if it was difficult. If you want some advice on building your communication there is an area on the site, Building Strong Communication (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthcomm/)dedicated to that.

You obviously love each other deeply - cling to that, and you'll come through OK.


[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 11 December 2000).]

[Fred]

Liam

That's a tough one!

Whatever you do, don't turn away to another woman. My guess is that your wife is really struggling to accept herself and her physical attractiveness. The illness may well have shattered what little self confidence she had, and her rejection of you is just a symptom of her rejection of her own self image. The very best thing you can do is to love her and cherish her where she is, and take the pressure off her to make love. I guess this is the bit of the marriage vows that talks of "for better or for worse". Turning to another woman will only re-inforce her rejection of herself - I think that's why she almost wants you to do it - just to prove her right in her self belief that she isn't attractive!

I know from my own experience how incredibly self absorbing the urge and need to make love can become. For me at least, its a very physical thing that builds up over a period of days until it can dominate every waking moment - I need the physical relief or it just drives me crazy - and that can make me want to do really crazy things. If your wife really can't face making love for whatever reason, what about explaining your physical needs, and asking her to at least be a part of bringing you the physical relief - and if it's mess she really dislikes, then use a condom or something!

Hang in there, Liam. You love your wife, I can tell that, and being vulnerable to her about your discomfort, and letting her simply respond to your needs without pressure may just start to rebuild her self belief.

Fred

[relaxeddevil]

i really feel sorry for u... i know how a male has an urge for sex... beleive me i am aware...

Seeing a therapist would help.... but never cheat ur wife... she needs u... take care of her, and urself