Help

[Julz]

Hi, this is my first time and I am not one for sharing my problems or asking for help. I have been with my husband for 16 and 1/2 years, married for 13. He was diagnosed with depression over a year ago. He walked out of his job and became unbearable to live with. About three months ago he stopped taking his pills. He spoke what he said at the time was the truth. He told me that I had ruined his life, was never a good wife and a crap mother. I have done everything for him, everything. I love my kids and they are good kids. He said some other really nasty stuff, my 14 year old decided that it was is responsibilty to ensure his dad took his pills, as he couldn't go through that again. My husband is also an alcoholic and has got worse in the amount he drinks. Honestly he scares me, but I love the man I married, I just can't find him. The one I am married to, I really dislike. I told him that I was unsure of how I felt towards him, but I know that I will always love him as a friend. He now blames me for tearing his world apart. This hasn't stopped him from going out and finding a new woman. He says that there is nothing in it yet! I'm lost and am unsure of what to do. My gut feeling is to ask him to leave, but is this not cruel while he is still on medication? He also has no where to go. I can't live like this anymore, and feel that I am treading on eggshells all the time, and making excuses for him to my children. He went on a 36 hour bender the other day and then fell a sleep in the garage. He told me to tell the kids he wasn't in, but they put their bikes away when they come home and saw him. I had to fob them off and tell them not to worry about it and just forget that they saw him.
I am now realising how manipulative he has been all these years and what a bully he is. I have never been allowed friends or allowed out. I have to do my shopping on line and the only reason I am allowed to work, is because we have always needed the money. I know what the right thing to do is, but am terrified of doing it. My kids will blame me. I would be a failure yet again.

[Raymond]

This is a nightmare as far as I can see Julz. Where does one start from? Has he always been an alcoholic?. I don't know how you have got this far. If he does get another woman he might be doing you a favour. Do you know why he is depressed and being driven to drink? Just searching for a reason. What background does he come from? did he have a happy home life?

My wife says that depressed people can sometimes verbally abuse those who are trying to help them and I am sure there is some of that there.

A lot of marriages would have broken up long before they have reached this stage. His verbal abuse of you is very cruel and we can only hope that it is his depression speaking. He is sick and needs expert help really. Is he open to that? Things cannot go on like this.

Raymond

[Julz]

Thanks for replying Raymond. He has always liked a drink, and has always taken it a little too far. But now he can't do without, and quite often goes on "benders". He has been to see a counsellor, when he was first given medication. But he will not tell the doctor that he has a drink problem, he obviously denies he has. He says an alcoholic is someone who has to have a drink as soon as they get up in the morning. He depends on it, and if asked not to drink because he has to get the kids, he becomes shaky, angry and unbearable. I suppose it has been like this for the past 10 years.
His depression could well lead from his unstable childhood, but he is not the only one with a bad childhood. I know that sounds like I'm saying his isn't as bad as mine, but it is not like that. I also understand that we all cope with things in different ways.
I think his depression really comes from when he was working, having to go without a drink for so long. He is also addicted to an online fighting game thing. He became so addicted that he wouldn't go to work just so he could battle!! The staying at home to play this game led to more daytime drinking.
Of course though, he would say that the drinking was because of me and so is the depression. I just can't understand what I could have done differently, and feel that the last 16 1/2 years has been for him.
On another note, if being with another woman would make him happy and snap him out of his depression, then that would be fine. I want him to be happy so that he can be a better father and not lose the respect of his kids.

[Raymond]

He has to face up to a problem before he can get help Julz. It seems that you are saying your upbringing was worse than his. Was it as bad as mine? I did cheat though by coming to Christ so it's not affecting me like it would have.

Your husband is obviously addicted to drink and is an alcoholic. Maybe he doesn't have to have a drink when he gets up but there are different symptoms of it. Seems to me like he would like to sweep everything under the carpet and pretend it doesn't exist. He is on a dangerous road I think. He does need professional help with the drink and with his inner problems.

What do you think the answer is? You obviously need help. It is affecting you what with the bullying and everything. Could you not see a social worker. They will know the organisations who can deal with this scenario. You need protection an respite from it all. You will be no good for anyone if you don't get the help you need. I'd seek help fast. If you start your search you will find the answer in the end.

Raymond

[Julz]

Hi Raymond. I knew that it would come out wrong. I wasn't suggesting that it was a competition as to who had the worst childhood. I am glad you found Christ, I found my husband, he saved my life. But that wasn't the point I was trying to make, so sorry if you thought that I was.

Anyway, things have taken a bit of a strange turn and I am now left feeling empty and sick. I wish I had just kept quite about how I was feeling, shut up and put up, as I have always done.

What led me to sign up to this forum was I was trying to find answers as to whether seperation was an option. I read the article posted, and thought that maybe it was. So I asked my husband if we could talk about how we can get things back on track, before the drink and depression. I explained that maybe seperation was an option, if we planned it and set out some rules. The children came out to see us as we were talking about the idea, so he said we can discuss it later when they have gone to bed and see what we both think. A break through I thought, all though he had had a drink he wasn't that piddled. By the time I sat back down with the children, he had packed his bags and was gone. It wasn't supposed to be like that, it was supposed to be arranged properly, so we knew where we stood and could explain to the children together. I do love him, and I am scared that he has gone forever. I am in turmoil, broken and feel so lost and alone. My 14 year old is the only one who has asked where he is. I have confided in him, but I don't know what to say to the other 2 boys, they are 12 and 7. The other thing that really hurts, is how quick he left. But on walking out he said he loved me. How can he just go like that, and not try to make things right. He will not get professional help, and I am scared that he is losing it completely, enough to even do himself some harm. It will all be my fault, how will my children ever forgive me?

[Raymond]

I know that was not the point you were making Julz. It was just an aside for me.

The main thing is your present situation. I don't think it is your fault he walked out. It was quite reasonable to talk about a seperation in light of the situation. You were not talking about divorce. This is not what you meant to happen but it happened and you were not given the chance to reflect on anything. Now you suddenly seem to want to keep your situation with him in spite of the problems.

I would say do not fear. You have not done anything terrible. If you are worried about him is there any way you can alert some help or do you not know where he is? Where would he be likeley to go? Try to be strong Julz. You have done nothing wrong.

Raymond

[Julz]

You just made me cry. Not in a bad way, I have felt so broken all day and you believe that it's not my fault. Thank you. A slight glimmer of light.

You need to understand, I would do anything for my husband, anything. If that means me living in misery, then so be it. But at the same time, I feel that I have to let him go and do whatever it is he needs to do, if that is what is going to make him happy. In my dreams, he will come back to me the man he was before the drink stole him. He is not a bad person, that bully, manipulative drunk isn't him. The real him is trapped inside and I need to free him, but he wont let me he just pushes me away.

I spoke to his friend earlier, who shares my concerns. But he doesn't want to be in the middle as he loves us both. I told him to concentrate on my husband and look after him.

I am so confused right now, and really don't understand what went so wrong. We were both young when we met, so maybe he just feels he hasn't lived the life he should have, I don't know. A part of me, feels that I am holding on to his love, my life and situation because that is all I know.

I am really grateful for your advice, kind words and ears, well eyes theoretically. For the first time I am talking about my problems and it is a great release.

[jools]

Hi Julz (same name, different spelling!)
So much of what I read in your postings rang bells with me. I went through similar things to you. I had an adoring H for 20 years before the sh** hit the fan. The parallels I see seem to fit so many of the postings on here. Firstly, why is it that we make so many excuses for their inexcusable behaviour? I did it too. We even feel sorry for them while they are ripping our lives apart. We try to help them, we look for medical reasons for their selfish actions. So often we say "they're depressed". I spent so much time looking for the reasons and cures for my H's depression. I know I'll have a lot of angry reactions to that as people will say "maybe they are depressed. Depressed people act in this way or that way". Ok - point taken. But long after my H and I separated, he said he thought he was depressed because of his loss of feelings (rather than the other way around). That taken into account, there was no excuse for his selfish actions. Your posts - like mine were - are full of excuses for why he's done this or that.
As soon as you gave him the excuse he was out the door in a flash -- and yet you're worried about him. Julz - I did exactly the same. We look for reasons for their selfish actions. You didn't push him out --- he went! You can't be responsible for him. You've got enough on your hands looking after your children. He's lucky he married such a responsible woman so that his kids will be ok. Surely it's not too much to ask that you see to the family while he sorts himself out. Sounds like he's got the easy option! Stop making excuses for him and trying to save him (says she who did exactly the same thing!). Look after yourself and your children. Oh, Julz - I do feel for you. I know it's horrible.
Luv Jules XXX

[Julz]

Hi Jools

I know I make excuses for him, but I try to see the good in everyone. He saved me, surely that earns him the right for me to at least try and save him??? I know he was out the door in a flash, that's what breaks my heart. He always makes me feel like I am the selfish one in the relationship, and then I hear that word again and it is directed at him.

He said that the reason he is the way he is, is because I do too much for him. He says I do too much for the kids too, and I should make them do more. He doesn't see what they do, they are great. Even the 7 year old can cook and loves it. I'm not talking a few fairy cakes, I'm talking roast dinners and some easy meals. All of them will pick up a duster or get the hoover out, even clean the loo. I can't say that they have ever seen their dad do that. If I ask him to help with the washing up, his reply is "that's what the kids are for". They do enough, they need to be kids also. Now I have written that, I can see that yes, he can be selfish.

I know I am babbling and going of the track, I feel so messed up, and things are so jumbled. I read your post and wanted to say so much, but am unsure of where to begin.

I think I began to say, that I will look after myself, for my children I need to be strong. I ate tonight for the first time in I don't know when. That's scary, I actually can't remember. I know that is not good, and can not get into that.

It's so warming knowing that I am not alone. I appreciate your kind and very sensible words. I am having a bit of a wake up call at the moment, but I am so scared. I can't stop worrying about him though, he is my life, despite everything and anything.
Thank you

[PAUASH29]

JULZ can i just ask what is the atmosphere like with your husband not there, i bet there is a difference, i have had problems these last couple of weeks but i have realised one thing, my wife has been constantly down for the last four years, unhappiness with job and yes very depressed, because of this it also brought me down, now my wife has a new job and is very happy at work, however i am still down and because i dont have the constant drone of i am not happy or i hate him or her always crying, i feel like i have lost something sounds crazy i know, because you have lived with this for so long perhaps your situation is the same, suddenly your free but on the other hand crave for it to be there.Surely this was never any good for the children, not good for you, none of this is your fault and hats off to you for having to deal with this for so long, you must talk and thats why were here to help each other

[Raymond]

Just a quickie. Have to rush out. Not read everything properly yet.

One thing I picked up Julz. "You wouldn't mind being miserable for him. That sounds commendable but it is not. I think you have a martyr complex which will not do you any good and might render you useless to help anyone. You need to stay up not just for yourself but for others. So look after yourself and do not be afraid to be happy. Not in a selfish way but in a good way. Why should you go under as well. That will not be any good for anyone especially you.

Raymond

[Julz]

Hi Pauash29. I have to admit, despite me being a bit down, which I am hiding from the kids well, the atmosphere is much calmer and more relaxed. I don't have to worry about the kids saying something wrong, and no longer feel like I am walking on egg shells. But didn't I marry him for better and for worse??
The kids and I are going out for a bit soon. To have fun, without worrying about what events might occur if he was with us. I am rather looking forward to it.

Raymond, I am afraid to be happy. I have forgotten what happiness is. I feel I have no aspirations. I have lived my life to please him, and be the best I could. To finally have to think what I want, paralyses me. I have no idea.

I do however feel hope. You guys are all great and I now feel I have friends, and I am finding sharing is really helping. Thank you.

[Raymond]

It's great that you went out to have fun with the kids. You were living under a lot of negativity with your husbands. It seems even your children are feeling the release.

There is nothing wrong in pleasing someone but not like a slave. Not everything that pleases our spouses is necessarily good. Sometimes it might be harmful to them. Love is the rule. Never be afraid to be happy Julz. It's a quality you can share with others. There is a strength in being happy which will also serve you in getting through the trials that come to you.

We are not telling you to divorce your husband but there is a negativity there that you need release from. Being faithful doesn't mean you have to be trampled into the ground. I think you have gotten very worn down with the way you were being treated to the point where you don't even recognise it. It has almost become comfortable to you which is not healthy. Use this time to get your life back. He may have saved you but seems to have finished up trying to destroy you. Take a breather from it there are important self preservation lessons you need to learn.

Raymond

[Julz]

Hi Raymond.

I had a really good day with the kids. They all seemed happy and we all smiled and laughed. It was great.

He came by earlier, to pick up his anti depressants. He didn't stay, he just picked them up and went to walk out. He seemed happy and not phased by what is going on. I asked him if we could discuss it, he said there was nothing to discuss. I asked him what we should tell the kids. He said nothing, wait until they ask more questions then he will tell me what to say. I don't want to lie to them or hide anything. I told him I think we should discuss what is happening and what we are going to tell the boys. We need to tell them together and they need to know that we are both there for them. He wasn't happy with this, and left.

This has put a damper on the day a little. My youngest hasn't asked where his dad is, I thought he might at dinner, he set the places and only put out 4. Why is he not curious? My middle son, knows something, but he is a bottler and this concerns me. I need to talk to him.

This morning I think I felt happy. Tonight I am back to a blubbering mess that really doesn't know what to do for the best. If I go against his wishes it will be something else that I have done wrong.

[PAUASH29]

JULZ, this guys got a real hold on you, lets summarize this he says lets wait until the kids ask questions so basically lets put it off i am not interested, or i will tell you what to say, so i am not interested but you can deal with it as i wont be here.Good to here you had a good day out, you have obviously found that smile and laughter inside so you can do it again and it will happen youve proved it, dont be phased by your husband show him that your are strong and smiley, it might make him think, kids arent stupid they will realise or find out whats happening and wasnt it him that walked, shrugging his responsibilitys seems like, if you go out today Julz smile at people and say morning and i will tell you what it makes you feel good inside when someone smiles back.Go out Gal conquer it.

[Raymond]

Pauash is right. There is some kind of domination happening here which is preventing you from functioning. A man was never supposed to dominate a woman but to love her. In the same way a woman should never manipulate a man. My wife tries to be subject to me but I never dominate her only love her. If I did that I would be manipulating her through fear. Is there something of this happening here?

Raymond

[Julz]

Hi Pauash29. Looking at it like that, yeah he does have a hold on me, and Raymond, I am scared of him. It's not him though, it's the drunk, the drunk is angry and very unhappy. As I said at the beginning he does manipulate me by threatening all sorts of things. He belittles me and tells me what a rubbish wife and mother I am, the next day he remembers nothing.

I went back to work today, after being poorly for two weeks, it went well and kept my mind from things. But at the end of the day, I just welled up and had to leave 30 minutes early. When I got back, I found out that my eldest had come home at lunch time, and said that he has brought his school work home for tomorrow also. He said that he couldn't concentrate at school as things were going over in his head. Oh my god, what have I done. I don't want him to mess up his education. He promised he would go on Wednesday and see how things go. I told him I would tell his dad to come home, he said no, let him have his space.

You guys are all being so supportive, but every time I think, I can do this, something makes me fall apart. I made my husband miserable, I don't want to do the same to my kids.

[PAUASH29]

JULZ, I have just re-read your original post, tell me what have you done to ruin his life, did you domineer him, tell him when he could go out, ration his money, nag him all the time no i think not, he was thrown a life line for his depression ie medication and chose not to take it, as for the drink, there are groups out there as you know but he obviously chooses not to go down that route, this is the responsible route but he chose to find another woman, doesnt make sense just full of excuses, as for your 14 year old taking on the responsibility of the pills, your husband should of taken responsibility for this especially if he had a conscience, i found my mother lying in a heap when she tried to commit suicide i was 13 at the time, memory still haunts me now. I might be crossing the line here but it seems he cares nothing about his kids or what they see ie 36 hour bender, your eldest son is wise saying give him his space and i think they can see who is at fault, (AND IT IS NOT YOU AT FAULT JULZ SO STOP TAKING THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR HUSBAND FAULTS),He is a domineering tyrant who has ruined your life, no is ruining your life, only you can be strong and get through this, i dont know how old you are but judging by your childrens ages 30s-40s your still young enough to go and start a fresh life and be happy again, you are going to have times of highs and lows at the moment i myself have been in tears this morning with my situation but i intend to keep my chin up i suggest you do the same not easy i know but we either sink or swim.Julz you didnt make your husband miserable he did, so come on new day lets make a fresh start.

[Raymond]

Pauash is right Julz. As soon as your son had problems you blamed yourself. You have to resist these accusations in your head. When we are wrong we know it. You have to learn the difference so don't blame yourself. When we are wrong there is something positive to do about it. When it's this guilt and accusation in our head and there nothing positive we can do, it is something else.

You can help your son by listening to him and finding out how he feels. Your husband left on his own accord. Your son is right. Give him his space.

As we said before live a little while you are not under this domination and fear which comes from the drink. It is no way for you to live and is not fair on you.

Raymond

[Julz]

Hi Guys

I haven't cried as much today and feel much stronger. I sat and talked with my son, he said that his main issue was the lying and not knowing what to say to his brothers. I suggested we talk to his dad and ask him to come round so we could explain it to the youngest in a way he will understand, as I had already spoken to the middle one. When I mentioned to my husband that we had to speak about it to the boys. He said he had told the youngest that his mate was lonely, so he was keeping him company for a while, and didn't seem bothered so we should leave it at that. I don't know if this is best or not. I don't agree with it, but also I don't want the kids to get two different stories. I want to let them know that we are always there for them, and we are not lying to them. Does this make sense? I will never bad mouth my husband in front of my kids, neither do I want them to disrespect him.

As far as going out there and enjoying my freedom, I don't feel I can enjoy anything until I know my children are coping with the change.

Yes I know I always blame myself, but I am their mother and whilst they are children, I am responsible for them and their actions. I also know deep down that I need to stop blaming myself for certain things, but I have been told for so long that things are my fault, I think I just need to believe in myself a bit first. Failure is a strange thing, especially when you have worked so hard to make things perfect and it has all gone wrong.

I just want to be loved, people that meet me think of me as strong and capable. Yes I will "cope" with anything, but deep down I am drowning, and crave to be taken care of. Is that me being selfish? Because I really don't know. A big hug would be nice too.

Pauash, by the way I am 32, I think!! My husband is 34. I had my first child at 17, we were married when I was 19. It may sound young, but I was never a child.

I would like to thank you guys, your comments are really helping, you say such nice things. I am struggling to get my head around the way I am beginning to perceive my life. I say that because I feel like it is all a dream. To hear that it isn't necessarily my fault is like coming out of a dark closet.

Do you think the man I married will come back to me? Or do you think that he was probably always like this, and maybe I was too blind to see it? Maybe we were too young, I don't know. He just seems so happy and really not bothered. I don't want it to be the end, and am now doubting the choice I made in a seperation was the right one. I was hoping he would realise that he might lose his world and get help. I even have the thought that I was never his world, just an easy mug. Is this healthy to think all these different thoughts?

The one thing I would like to do, is help others on here, I read the posts every night, but feel that I am just in the wrong place right now to give good advice. But one day, I would like to be like you guys and repay the kind words and support I have had over the last few days.

[PAUASH29]

Hi JULZ Your eldest son obviously realises the full extent of the situation which is good but yeah i think they need to know whats happening, did you know what your husband told your youngest because if you didnt then that could of led to some explaining, as parents we automatically want to protect the kids however my dad left us when i was 3 but it didnt effect me in any way because i was to young to realise, but i did have older brothers and sisters, watch though Julz that your eldest doesnt start taking on the fatherly figure like my eldest brother did, i have spoken to him recently he was 13 when my dad left and found himself in that situation, he admitts that some of his childhood had been taken away, but is making up for it now by buying old toys and memorabilia train sets etc.If you can get your husband to explain things with you to the kids all well and good but i think you know that this might not happen.You are responsible for your children but i think you have been constantly been put down for that long youve possibly lost your confidence, self esteem etc but dont you think your kids want to see happy mom you are a person too and need to rebuild your life, i am not saying go to partys every night but if you have friends go out and have a drink even if its just once a week, do you have family and friends to help with the children, curiously what do your family and friends make of all this.Oh and that failure thing Julz you havent failed, dont feel selfish for wanting to be taken care of you deserve it, i had a very dark day yesterday lost count of the amount of times i cried i felt like i was just existing serving no purpose to anyone still dont feel brilliant this morning but this is helping .As for your thoughts well i think thats natural, would you want him to come back i would be very cautious because to be honest he has probably done you and the kids a favour by leaving, at least theres probably an easier atmosphere, it does help to read peoples posts and reply its a kind of therapy.Raymonds good he replied to me and i think if you look around most of this site he name pops up almost everywhere thanks Raymond.

Take care

[Raymond]

Thanks Pauash. I agree with most of your advice here although the drinking would be a personal choice.

You have certain strengths Julz that are coming out on your posts. You sound a very good mother. When I said you are taking the blame for things I did not mean you abrogate your responsabilities as a mother. You are doing well as a mother. Really well I would say.

Some of your children may be feeling a rejection by their Father leaving. The younger they are the more it might affect them. You may not see it but it will come out years later. You can mitigate this by showing them how much you love and accept them, not for what they have done but for who they are, your children.

I have run out of time now (at work) but I am reading your posts. Oh and heres a hughttp://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/images/icons/icon11.gif down the line. You are doing really well. Also I didn't mean you to go out on the town necessarily. It can be with the children or whatever you feel you need to do.

Raymond

[Julz]

Thanks for the hug Raymond. It's actually the older two boys I am concerned about right now, the little one doesn't appear too worried, but we have sat down together tonight and spoke about our feelings. I have said to them that they can be honest and open, and I will always listen. In return I will also be honest and open. They seemed happy with this and the chat was good. All laughing at the end!

Pauash, I know it sounds weird, but I have not told anyone. My friends are his as I have said before, (I wasn't allowed my own!) so they know whatever he has told them. My mother who phones most nights is suspicious I think, but I can not tell her what is going on. The whole failure thing again, she has been married for so long to my alcoholic father, the only difference is he doesn't live with her and never really has done.

On a plus side, I have had a good day today and feel positive. Trying not to think about things and just see what happens.

Pauash I hope you can hold your chin up too, take each day as it comes and enjoy the good ones (the good ones have no or few tears!).

[PAUASH29]

Thank you Julz i seem to be slipping again but i will try to keep my chin up, its good to hear your laughing, keep it up.

[Julz]

Hi Guys, Hope life is being kind.

I'm having a bad day today. Youngest has been crying because his daddy has left us. I don't know what my husband has told him, and don't want to give him a different story. My youngest said that daddy said that me and him didn't get on any more, that's why he wasn't living at home. I want to talk to my husband but he is avoiding things, actually I think he is avoiding me.

Ahhhh, I don't know who to turn to. I want to tell my mum, but know that she will look down upon my husband, trying to support me, but I really don't want that. It would make things difficult if he came home. He already thinks that they don't like him. She always thought that we would fail and it our marriage wouldn't last. She thought that my brothers first marriage would last forever and seemed to love her new daughter in law, it lasted 10 months!

Have you got any advice on how to get him to talk to me, properly?? If he won't, what do I tell my son, other than I love him and if he ever wants to see his daddy then he can? My only issue is, I have asked my husband to see the kids and he makes up excuses. How can I make him realise that his kids are important and they still need their dad?

[Raymond]

If you have to tell a father to see and love his children there is a problem. You are doing all you can making the openings etc. but if he won't take advantage of that then what can you do?

Believe me Julz the youngest is in more danger and needs attention. The younger you are the more you perceive rejection even though you don't understand it. Go out of your way to make him feel accepted Julz. Most of our hang ups happened in infancy. The others need attention also obviously but the younger will be more sensitive deep within. An opening has been made but you can fill that gap to a certain extent.

I think you are a terrific mother Julz.

Raymond

[PAUASH29]

Hi Julz, being a father myself i would always be thier to support my child and i would work with my wife to not disrupt his everyday life, Raymond is right if he needs telling to see and love his kids then there is a problem, although he told your youngest that your not getting on any more he could have also said that it doesnt meanb that you both dont love him and that will never change, yes you are a good mother .

[sadagain]

Hey Julz
Your situation is very similar to my own. Please read the post i did this time last year.
I know what you’re going through with your kids. My ex is still manipulating them. He gives to one and says the other 3 get nothing because they don’t speak to him! (they don’t speak to him as he does not see them and also he treated them differently when he left!) The one he does see, well the contact there is whenever she calls him, usually once every couple of months.... He picks her up from school and drops her at the house... all of say 5 mins max!
I begged him not to turn his back on the kids to make it easier for them to deal with. I have always said he can see them anytime. but he does not want to be a Dad to them.
At first, i wont lie my kids have been to the worst place possible, but they are now so much better. I never lied to them, i was as honest as i could be with them. Eventually they make their own mind up about the situation.
But yes, the hardest thing i dealt with was the guilt of feeling i let my kids down! But DONT... YOU are the one that is looking after them and YOU will be the one getting them through this and it is NOT YOU that has done this. (I know its hard but try to remember that)
The weird way my ex went on, making me think like i was going mad before he left, well turns out he was messing about with her before he left! Yet here is me thinking he was suffering depression and was not well.
Julz, a year on, well I won’t lie, it took me 9 months to really emotionally get my feet. And i will tell you this, yes it gets lonely but i don’t have any one to answer to, i am not controlled and i have the freedom to do as i please!
My ex never speaks to me, he is not bothered with anything the kids do. Completely his loss! There is nothing on this earth that would take me from my kids.
I know you feel like you cant enjoy the “single life” “get out and have some fun” people would say to me!. Don’t try too. Take your time and when your ready, then have some “me” time.
A year on I travel monthly away to a course on my own, spending the weekend training, going round the shops there and using the leisure suite. I actually like having that time alone. This time i go down I’m going out with a nice guy i met on my course last time. I’m not and wasn’t looking for anything but we will see what happens.
Whatever your Husband is going through, don’t try to right or reason with it, eventually the truth/reason will come out. Focus on you and your kids, set yourself wee goals and work towards them.
I would say, keep a wee diary of how you are feeling and what has happened, the reason i say that is that you get so tired you forget things that were said / done ect. Not only that but you can look back every few months and you will see yourself get stronger.
Take care, and look after yourself.
You will be ok! J
x

[PAUASH29]

Where did you go Julz update me let me know whats happening.

[Julz]

Thanks Sadagain, that has helped and I will find your post and give it a read.
Pauash, thank you for your concern. I went to my brothers for a few days with the kids. We had fun, I had a chat with him and it was all good, then I had to come home!

Feeling a bit low today, I have managed to get their dad to take them out today, but he didn't seem over joyed. Youngest was so happy to be spending time with him and couldn't wait to get out the door!!

He still won't talk to me, or tell me what his plans are. I just need to know if he intends coming home one day. I know that everyone is saying enjoy the time, but I still want answers and until I get some I don't see any positives in my life.

He knew we were going to my brothers and when we were upstairs packing, he came in, put some money on the table and left. He didn't say bye to the kids or have a nice time. I rang him, he said he had lunch to go to, and thats why he didn't stop. He then said he would ring them later, but never did, I had to ring him and tell him to speak to them. It makes me sad that he is doing this.

How do I get him to talk to me??

[Raymond]

Part of me is glad he isn't there Julz. I fear it will all be pally pally again and then we would be back to square one with the drunkeness and abuse of you.

However, you have to do the right thing. The youngest seems to relate to him and could get through to him. So develop this little thing if you can. At least he put some money on the table so it shows he is thinking a little bit about the children. I suspect he is weighed down with his own problems and cannot take on any commitments. I don't know.

Do you want him back or are you glad he is gone?

Raymond

[Julz]

Hi Raymond, I am scared of my feelings because part of me wants him back, after all I married him. But part of me feels relief that he is not here, and I like it. The more he does the more I don't want him back.

Take yesterday for example. I managed to get him to take the two youngest out for the day.

He took them swimming with his mate, his mate went in the pool with them, why he had a sauna. He then took them for a walk and because youngest couldn't keep up, told him that he was peeing him off and he was going to take him home. His mate then suggested getting some food, surprise they went to the pub. His lady friend turned up, he spent the whole time outside with her drinking, so his mate brought them home. He stayed at the pub with her.

They were in tears, saying they didn't want to go with daddy again. I rang him and said that it wasn't fair, if he was going to spend time with them, it had to be him and them no drink, no friends.

He said that my youngest was getting on his nerves. I told him he is confused and wants to be with his dad, he doesn't understand. He hung up on me.

He then text me saying that homelife, his then job and the fact that we had to do things with the children is why he drinks. He said that people change, he also said that I was different.

I told him, I found it hard to cope with the drinking, and that he was an alcoholic. He denied that. I said that things can't go back unless he gets help for his drinking, as it has affected the kids and me.

I have heard nothing since.

But, the more this carries on, the more I think it is for the best. He has to get his priorities right and take some responsibilty.

The kids and I had a great evening, we all put our pj's on watched a film and ate pop corn. We laughed, cuddled and enjoyed being together.

I don't know what to do any more, if I continue to feel this way, I don't think I could have him back. Then I worry, if he sorts him self out, and comes home, will I ever be able to relax? I fear that I will be constantly waiting for him to slip back.

[Raymond]

It's a difficult one for you Julz. The kids seem a bit disenamoured with him after their trip out with him. He didn't act like a father.

At the moment Julz he has left you so it is out of your hands. There is no point worrying about tomorrow over something that may never happen. If something does happen you will get the strength at the time, so don't worry now.

I am glad you are enjoying your time with the kids. I think you will grow stronger without him pulling you down. If he ever does come back you will see things differently than you were seeing them when he was with you. You won't be so vulnerable I feel, but that may never happen. His coming back I mean. If he is taking up with this other woman and going into adultery theres no reason why you should accept him back anyway, if that was the case.

Raymond

[sadagain]

Hi Julz
Do you know, what is happening to you is a carbon copy of what happened to me.
Not long after he left, he came in (after spending all weekend out on the town) didn’t bother speaking to the kids, just asked what they were doing. The dumped some money on the table and left!!!
And, the part when you say he moans at the kids when he has them! Yip, my ex when he was seeing them (once every few months) if they spoke to loud or did anything he didn’t agree with, he would tell them to F**king shut up or tell them to Pi** off. He didn’t want them they cramped his style.
I went through the “”yes i will take him back for the first few months. But think to yourself, The drinking?? I had that, I used to lie awake every night until he got up to go to the toilet, if not he would Pee somewhere in the house or on a few occasions walk outside in his boxers... Sleep walking (hey if i knew then what i knew now id have locked him out!!)
I used to go to work and going in I’d smile i would joke, I was getting to be ME! I would leave work and pick the kids up from school, and dread him coming in, no laughter no happiness. He would start drinking the moment he got in and sit watching TV till he drunk himself to sleep! 5 Years i put up with the drinking. (now i smile and joke all the time!)
When he left the kids and i now have weekend Party nights! Wii Nights and Film nights. The kids and i don’t have to answer to anyone. My Daughter at 15, stopped sleeping with the light on! She said she feels safe away from him.
My kids really went through a tough time. So did I, there is no denying it. But i begged my ex to see them. He wouldn’t. Listen to your kids, if they don’t want to see him, don’t force it. The love you give them will more than make up for him not being there. Yours will be like mine they make their own mind up on a situation.
My doctor said. What happens is the Guy leaves the wife and family for someone else. The wife and kids go through the hurt over the next 6months to a year. After a year or so, the wife moves on. The kids don’t want to know their dad because he turned his back on them. Then usually minimum 2 years, realises, his little relationships amount to nothing! And what they had was way better. By that time its to late. The wife and kids dont want to know. The bit that she said that made me think! , “you would not believe the amount of guys i have in crying their eyes out because of what they have done”!
I know you still have feelings, but focus on you and your kids.
Looking back, i know if he was still here we would be miserable and walking on egg shells.
I’ve asked my kids what would you do if your dad ever wanted to come back ? “Mam if you take him back we are all leaving”
Look after yourself and have fun with the kids. Treat yourself to some nice clothes to make you feel better. What will get to him more is if he sees how you are getting on with your life. Focus on you and your kids. There is no way i could have stuck it out with my ex, i was heading for a breakdown, I never realised how much he controlled me and wore me down!
I know you might not believe this now, but you will become stronger. It took me nearly 9 months to stop getting upset. Best tip though, take yourself and your kids away to your mams for Christmas and New year (if you can). Thats the hardest time, and its good to be around family then. Because you will get upset.
Take care
x

[sadagain]

Julz, also remember, YOU have the GOLD you have the love and respect f your children!

[PAUASH29]

Hi Julz how you doing i have just read that post from sad again very sad but inspiring, just shows you that you can do it, if your husband chooses to bum out from seeing the kids then it will be his loss and in time he will wish he could change the clock, looking back over your threads it seems that your children are more wisely and grown up than your husband, diabolical is he when he takes his children to the pub and doesnt want to know them , not recommend taking kids to pubs unless for a meal, why did he let his mate do all the work on this outing, do you know him Julz and is he trusted, even if he is this shouldnt of happened your husband i think has gone too far and has really shirked his responsibilitys, he doesnt deserve a good wife and loving children like yourselves, its been a couple of weeks since we both posted Julz more or less at the same time and you have certainly been a big help in my troubles, as sas again expressed you have the Gold, you are Gold Julz especially to your children, update me.

[Julz]

Hi Guys, Thank you for your kind words, you are helping me believe in myself.

I have had a bad few days, website down and no one to talk to! I have decided not to ring him every few hours, and haven't spoke to him for a few days. Not sure if it is making me feel better as he hasn't rang me either, not ever asked how the kids are.

I did write loads earlier, but when I submitted it my internet crashed!! So just thought I would check in with you all with a quick reply.

Pauash, his friend is trustworthy and treats our kids like family, but that doesn't change the fact that my husband should have spent the day with them.

Sadagain, Christmas scares me. If we are still in this situation shall I ask him to come and do what we normally do? It's a family affair on my side.

Raymond, I hope I have the strength if he returns not to fear him and let him bully me. I am getting stronger and reading these posts makes me realise that my marriage is very one sided.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Thanks guys, x

[Julz]

Sadagain, I have just finished reading your posts. You have given me hope. I am feeling how you did. Good days, bad days, mainly bad. Confused as to why he doesn't want to see his kids. I found an old phone bill the other day, her number appeared on it so many times. The phone bill was sent in August!!!

I now think that this was why he left so quickly, if we are apart he can get away with it!

She is also younger, pretty, blonde, and likes going out drinking, and is up for anything!

It doesn't make me feel any better though. I thought I gave him everything that he wanted. The thing is, I think he would have a shock if he tried to bully and manipulate her!!!

[val100]

Julz
STOP

take a really long deep breath and as you breath out let it all go. Slow right down.
Next step make a plan for your day, Not tomorrow or next week or next month.

You have 3 kids that right now see you as their only stability, yes this is a huge responsibility but you will cope.

Take of the victim and self worthlessness jacket and put on the warm coat of being a good mother and a good person.

Now the hardest thing you have to do and believe me I couldn't do it 100% is let him go.
Relax stop hoping he will change his mind. Stop trying to make him a good father step back from him.

He is more than likely with this other woman and that is an issue that you don't need to deal with right now.

You need to make decisions and as sadagain (hey my friend you and mr who????) said these decisions or goals don't need to be concrete but they need to be an aim.

The more you chase him the more you push him away. Take the time out and see do you really need and want him. You are young and can have a good life you are worth it.
Marriage vows are there for a reason but you cannot and no one would want you to honor those vows if you are being hurt.
Start telling people you have nothing to be ashamed of.
I will hunt you down if I hear that you are willing to live in misery to have him as your husband again. Lady if you are a misery he can't and won't love you.

Enjoy this space, take long hot baths watch TV, eat chocolate, meet new people. No one can tell you not to have friends. We control animals not people. Be strong be brave breath in the air.
One thing my GP told me and my god did it work was to stand in the sun and close my eyes and just feel its heat. I never realised the power of this till I stood outside family court.
I must dash and pick my gang up from school. I want to hear how you are making yourself happy.
One word of advice, your kids need you to be happy so you actually have to be kind to yourself.

I am sorry for being bossy but I would love to see you strong and dealing with your situation in a positive manner.

Talk later

[Raymond]

Raymond, I hope I have the strength if he returns not to fear him and let him bully me. I am getting stronger and reading these posts makes me realise that my marriage is very one sided
You will have the strength Julz. You are becoming freer. Judging by the phone bill and this girl he has betrayed you it seems and has broken the marriage, which means you don't have to accept him back in the present scenario.


Raymond

[Julz]

Hi Val100, you are not being bossy, just very thoughtful and knid. It must appear slightly different from outside of my head. I am taking one day at a time, just feel like I'm taking 1 step forward then 10 steps back. I know I come across a bit pityful and desperate, but the confusion doesn't help. I know that my kids or my husband can never be happy if I am not. I am discovering happiness and I do like it, and yes it feels like the heat of the sun. I just feel a bit guilty for enjoying myself right now. When I am happy something brings me back down.

Take today, I was having a good day, then I get a phone call from his cousins partner. His mum apparently knew before me! He told her that his marriage was on the rocks and he was thinking of leaving. He has made me blame myself for suggesting a break and all the time he was planning to leave! I feel that I have just been thrown into termoil again.

I can't understand why he can't just be honest.

Raymond, I now think that you are right, there has to be more to his friendship with this woman, and now it all seems that he had it all planned. Some days I do feel freer, but with things like this keep cropping up, I'm not sure freer is better.

I know that I should feel better, that maybe it isn't all my fault. But I don't I just feel more sickened.

[sadagain]

Hey Julz

Good girl, keep strong.

You are right not to chase him.

Dont for one minute think this girl is any better than you!! ever.. (shes not up to much taking away a father and husband).

Ok, exactly this time last year my ex was a month in his flat. he came to mine (for a few mins to say hello goodbye to kids 10 mins tops!!) He was prancing like a teenager. (Nope that is an insult to teenagers) Dressed top to toe in tight fitting designer clothes!

Me, i had lost a stone in weight in just over a week, i was gaunt couldnt sleep and was ill. I was feeling guilty! had i not payed enough attention?? and all the other questions.
The worst part, he was treating her the way i wanted to be treated! Doing the things with her that would have made me happy:-(...

Ok. So i go for 9 months down - up - down again, like a yo-yo!

Then it hits me, im free. i dont have to worry about him swearing, accusing moaning, drinking, chain smoking!!!

Ok, so when he left he was going to stop smoking and drinking...
I thought he had!

Nope hes not. Guess what his GF and him argue all the tme, she goes to leave he begs and cries for her to stay! not changed one bit.

His GF was a smug girl, she thought she got a "catch" nope im afraid she got the "Rotten Tattie" (rotten potato!).

OK. My kids are much happier, by far, at the moment we are all in the room, they are watching a film and its quiet and relaxed!

So! in that year, he blew all his money lost most of his friends, lost the respect of his friends and family and worst of all lost the love and respect of his kids! His relationship,i doubt will last much longer!

Me, well this time last year i would never imagined typing this!
I sold my house, and moved to a lovely one
Have a great decking out the back and have a nice lawn i levelled and seeded!! all by my self!
I Graduated the other day! (37 years and mam finaly gets her photo!)
In training now to complete final exams to beome a fully qualified accountant
I got promoted at work the other day!
I have the love and respect of my kids! I have happy loving kids!!!
( oK confession, i also got my belly button pierced and got a tattoo!)

Ok, and something else, I went out on my first date in 17 years with a nice guy! ( i had been asked out by a few guys at work, but i wasnt ready and its not good to mix work) He spoke so nice to me and made me feel like i was worth talking too! I was with someone that treated me like a human, he liked me! Wow what a feeling!! We are going to meet up after our exams at the start of next month again!!

What im saying is things do get better, dont get me wrong! boy it is so tough!

Oh yeh and one last thing, i seen a photo of my ex on Bebo and he looks about 15 years older than he is, (35) his hair is balding !!

The guy im seeing is 32, im now 37! he didnt think i was over 30, He knows all about my kids and is totally cool about it!

For christmas, you need to do what you feel is right. I went to mam and dads. My reasons, i knew the kids would be happy there, and if i had let him come round, he would have been having the best bits then leave to go home to her! that wuld have killed me at the time, and would have spoilt the kids christmas! (plus mam makes fantastic yorkshire puddings!)

Julz, you are a good mam, the best way to make him stop and think is to get up, be strong. Make the most of your life, you only get one! He wont think you can cope without him! Show him what a good strong girl you are! At the end of the day its his loss!

Take care and trust me, you will be fine, there's a lot of us been through this and we are with you. You will come out of this a far stronger person!
Just dont let him knock or grind you down!

My Ex! I am so grateful his GF kept him this long, as if she had left in the first say 7 months, he would have tried to come back! and i would have probably not been strong enough to say no and i would have been back with him being treated like well Crap basicly!!! (sooooo glad that i am divorcing him now!)


Take care and keep posting, it does help to have others keep you going!
:) x

[PAUASH29]

Hi Julz well sadagains post hows that for inspiration, fantastic, you are free of this guy Julz let him go and let someone else put up with the crap, do you remember your 1st post read back and i think even you will say you have come a fair way in just 3 weeks.

[Raymond]

Raymond, I now think that you are right, there has to be more to his friendship with this woman, and now it all seems that he had it all planned. Some days I do feel freer, but with things like this keep cropping up, I'm not sure freer is better.

I know that I should feel better, that maybe it isn't all my fault. But I don't I just feel more sickened.

I understand you will not always feel good Julz. After all you are facing a possible marriage break up and that is a sad thing. Your children not seeing their father as well. I don't want to sound flippant but there has been a release from his negativeness and domination as well. It will take time for you to feel right about everything. If this is adultery that is happening then surely he has crossed a line too far. You sound a very faithful woman in spite of the way he treated you and you have been through and are going through an awful lot. Nevertheless he left you and may be taking up with this other woman. That does put things in a certain light.

Raymond

[Julz]

Guys, you just keep making me stronger, thank you.

Val100 you seem to have it sorted, and that gives me hope and aspiration. I hope things stay good for you, and I hope all this can end postively for me to. I do have that one thing that makes me feel so good, and that is my kids, they are great, relaxed and loving. They chipped together and bought me a box of chocolates today to show that they loved me. My eldest even cooked a special meal for when I got in from work.

Pauash, I agree I have come a long way from 3 weeks ago, but that is all thanks to you guys, without you I would still be a wreck!

Raymond, yes I have always been faithful and loyal. I have strong views on affairs. If you want someone else then end the relationship you are in before you move on. My husband knows how I feel, but when things were going wrong, excused me of seeing other people. I don't go out (except work,, which I work for 9 hours straight without a break to breathe), and running kids to clubs, even had to do shopping online! But now I realise he was probably passing the blame for his own guilt, or the fact that he wanted someone else.

Today has been a goodish day, I find the evenings a bit hard, and have never really been a telly fan. Time just goes slow, and like you Val100, sleeping is hard, silly thoughts going through my head, and trying to piece things together and make sense of it all. But I am sure in time, answers will come and with that piece of mind and then sleep.

[Julz]

Ahhhh. I was having a good day. The kids wanted fireworks, so I asked H if he wanted to get some and bring them over. He agreed and said he would get a takeaway.

During the fire works, she was next door visiting our neighbours (we met her through them in the first place) and she kept coming out to talk to him. I just wanted us to be a family unit for the kids, everytime the kids see their dad, she appears. Afterwards I ordered dinner and asked if he would go and get it, "No, no he said I will give you the money". So I left and then thought I would just see what he was up to. He had put the kids in front of the telly and was outside laughing and joking with her. I feel so angry, towards him and her.

Anyway I got back, he scoffed his dinner down and said he had to go. I said what was the rush, and he said he didn't want to be late. Late for what I ask. Oh nothing, just don't want to be home late. It was 7.30!!

Ok, he hadn't had a drink and was getting a bit shaky. But the funny thing was, she left at the same time. I don't know if I am over reacting, or whether it was just a coinsidence.

Today is my 10 steps back!!

I don't dislike anyone, but I am starting to dislike him and her very much. I don't like feeling like this. I want to confront her, but I know that she will lie.

[val100]

Hi Julz

Ok perspective here he is no longer acting like a man that cares for his wife or kids.
I would sadly presume he is having an affair and if he isn't he is working on it.

HOW DARE SHE TALK TO HIM OVER THE FENCE.
lady you are gonna gave to get tough.
He is disrespecting his family and she is disrespecting you and your kids. Are you going to let them?

Put your foot down now honestly you will be way more attractive to every man including him if you stand up for yourself.

There is a risk with this one. He isn't to see the kids in your house.
I give this advice but I didn't act on it myself.
If he can treat you this badly then you have to stop it because he won't.

He may stop seeing the children and this will cut you deeper than anything else but honestly that is his choice and no matter what it isn't your job to make him a good dad.

The hardest thing in all this is seeing how awful the person you love can treat you and your kids.
He maybe in a really bad place and not care enough to see it but I promise you he will.

My H was a fool, really awful and his kids did suffer people were shocked because up until this he had been the most amazing dad.
Now we are 5/6 months into recovering our marriage and he is so guilty. Sometimes he opens up to me about it and he tells me all the rubbish that was in his head and how he regrets so much not being a good dad. Thanks to me and I make no bones in saying it because for all my faults I was a fantastic mum to them during this time and my kids are so amazing and have coped so well but in truth they didn't see have of the neglect and I made sure they never would.
Money he spent every penny on alcohol, his kids don't know that. I am sure he spent money on his new girlfriend at the time but his kids think that every penny i spent on them was added to from their dad.

Today he is ashamed and i have had to put my foot down and stop him from spoiling them so much.
We owe them love and a happy home not guilty presents. OOOPs sorry I am talking too much about me.

Julz for now work on yourself and on the kids.
For now you have lost him, accept it breath through that lose and pain.
Go NC unless you need to tell him something.
Get interested in something, When the kids are in bed watch films read books, do some baking honestly this is your time. Rediscover yourself. Look into music there is a wealth of amazing music out there stuff you didn't know exsisted.
Get organised he should take the kids every weekend, keep a journal of all your expenses and keep all your receipt then work out how much you need from him.
The best way to win him back is to let him see you don't want him.
I know the day My H realised he wanted me again. He rang me to apologise for an outburts and I said NO!
I told him I had had 15 yrs of his apologise and actually i no longer accepted them as I was no longer his wife and didn't need to. He was never going to change so I was and thanks but no more.
I said I had moved on and I was happy. I even told him i had met someone (i hadn't).
He asked if he could send me a birthday card, I said no.
I got one,exactly 8 weeks later he was begging me to move back he had to wait 3 months before I did.
He had to lose me, I had to find myself and I had to fix my kids when he saw how amazing I was, that I had stopped asking him if we could fix it
he wanted me. I knew what i was doing I knew once I was me again he would want me.
I organised day trips for ocassions (birthdays ) where he would have to come with us. I watch it eat him that i had my unit.
He needs me now.

However if it hadn't worked out it still would have hurt but I was coping I had a new life and I was enjoying it.
I would still cry but maybe twice a month instead of hourly.

I cry more now as it isn't easy fixing things but this time when I cry he is holding me.

I can't say if your marriage is going to work out, part of me feels that when you get strong you will see the years of hurt and abuse and you won't want him.
Christmas is just one day take it for now he won't be there, if he is he will be drinking and you will be hoping for something to work out. Think ahead for now and consider what your options are. don't act on it because you are still doing one day at a time. you need to have mini plans.

Keep talking

[val100]

Julz it took me a year to get tough. It is so funny that I preach this but couldn't do it myself.
I wish you luck

[Julz]

Hi Val. I am glad you are now getting back on track with things. It appears to be working out for you.

All has gone Pete Tong for me.

He was having youngest on Friday as he had a TD day, this has been planned for weeks. Thursday at 5pm, I get a text message asking if I can find someone else to have him, as he wanted to go out and have a few drinks. I tried calling him, no answer. He has 2 phones. I then rang his mate and asked if he was there. His reply was, didn't you know? Didn't I know what? It turns out that he had taken his lady friend to Dorset and wouldn't be back until Friday.

I was so angry, he knew he was taking her at the beginning of the week. He keeps putting everyone else first. The other thing is if he knew, why the hell didn't he say sooner so I could have sorted something?

Well, that did it for me. I feel such a fool, an idiot, a mug.

When I got home on Friday I asked him to come over. I told him that I was fed up with his lies, the fact that I had asked if he was seeing her, and that he lied about going for a drink. I told him that the word "MUG" attached to my forehead is now being pulled off.

He told me that he hadn't told me anything because it was none of my business.

I told him that I have altered the bank accounts, I now have my own, and I have taken my name off of the sole account. (It turns out he used my money to take her to Dorset).

I then said that I couldn't do all this anymore, all I asked for was honesty. He is messing mine and the kids heads up and I will not do it any longer, it is not fair on the kids. I told him it was over.

He was so shocked that I stood up to him and he nearly fell over.

He said he loved me, and that I was the only person for him, he acknowledged that I had done all he ever wanted me to do, and this still didn't make him happy. I said then I am obviously not the right person.

He left, I cried for hours. Thought I would feel better, but don't.

I think that I am secretly hoping that this will shock him so much that he gets help for his drinking and asks to come home. I love him, but I just can't find him.

I am so confused and sad.

[val100]

You have done so well, I am so proud of you.

He was shocked......Good!!!!!

Now please don't think that the light bulb goes on a quick for men as it does for us.

this could be drawn out and you need to stay tough and strong.
Feel the pain you are going through and breath through it.

it really is too early for you to take him back even if he begs you.
you haven't had enough time to process all that has happened and how badly he is treating your children.

If he was a friend you would stop hanging out with him because he treats you so badly but as a husband you somehow allow him to do this.

Believe me I did exactly the same, I always let him get away with behaving in a way that upset me or I let him verbally abuse me.
Now he knows it isn't allowed.
Recently he started his old fighting tricks and I actually went off made a cup of tea, took out my book while he shouted and spun in anger. He tried everything to get a reaction.
In the morning I calmly told him exactly what I thought of his behavior and at no point could he argue back as I had said nothing.
I told him I was ashamed of him and that for me to allow him to speak to me in such a way I was a bad mother because I was teaching my boys that it is the way to do it and my girls to accept it. He was a bad father for speaking to me in that manner with our children in the house asleep or awake.
And that I felt like white trash, I had been brought up in a very good home with fantastic parents and that I have let myself down. I DESERVE BETTER!!

well lady I am thinking that in another year his tail might actually come out from between his legs.
I stayed in my room for the day, the consequences of his actions was he had to apologise to the kids and be mother and father to them for the day.
Stay strong
get tough
be happy

[Julz]

Hi

I am having a really bad week. He is acting so cool, and telling people that his has left to find himself and live the bachelor life. Does this mean he dosen't love us??

My middle son is being really difficult, but when I speak to him he cries and says that it's all his dads fault. I love my boys, but the middle son is one for bottling things up, I am so worried about him.

I am still worried about Christmas, people are telling me to call the shots on when my husband sees the boys, but I don't want to upset him or the children.

I wish things would just become clearer but nothing is making sense, and I feel so miserable and that I am not in control of my situation.

Things were easy when he was here, I knew when to keep the kids out of the way, I knew the triggers that would set him off. I knew where I stood. I may have been unhappy, but I always knew the outcomes or possibilities of what may occur in certain events or situations. I now know nothing.

I feel such a failure and can't bear the thought of failing my children as well.

[Raymond]

He told me that I had ruined his life, was never a good wife and a crap mother. I have done everything for him, everything. I love my kids and they are good kids. He said some other really nasty stuff.

Hang on Julz. Do you really want to go back to the old life? He has just taken a lady on his own to Dorset with your money etc. etc. etc.

He has walked out on you remember? I wish he did give up his drink change and become who he should be for you and the children. I can't see that he is that worried about his own children. Remember all the verbal put downs you endured? Did your father ill treat you by any chance? Are you only comfortable with this? This is not good. You are worth far more than this. Learn to be comfortable with who you really are. You cannot leave an open door for abuse for your sake and the childrens.

If he wants to come back that is up to you but I wouldn't run after him as Val has said. You have to be careful that you are not going to go round in circles so don't hanker for the old life. Go for a new one ahead of you with or without him. Don't give up now.

Raymond

[Julz]

Hi Raymond. I know that I shouldn't settle for ill treatment, it's hard, I love my husband. Yes my father did abuse me in more ways than one, but he was not at home much, so I had a bit of respite.

I am struggling with two evils and feel that I can not win.

I am trying to stay strong and keep it together, but the constant brick wall feels too challenging.

[PAUASH29]

Julz its possibly not about winning but firstly managing the situation before you can go on to win and come out the other side, as in your case you have been managing a situation for years and your husband let you do it, do you really want this abuse, the pain, the constant feel of protecting the children emotionally, contantly being in the fight or flight mode, you have already challenged the brick wall, your on here are you not talking about your situation with people that care and although life seems like a constant battle at present it will get better and become clearer, this guy perhaps realises with reference to some of your previous posts that there is a fighter in there that is no longer going to put up with the crap, he has chosen his path Julz and one day it will hit him what have i done, its time to choose yours, its realising the time when you say enough is enough and at the age of 32 your just coming into your prime, take time Julz to peruse some of the posts you have submitted to others on this site and i think even you can say you have got the power to get through this, your advice to others is priceless.
Raymond your must be like Santa because i cant understand how you get round this whole site in one hit.

Good luck to all

Paul

[Raymond]

You've got to get away from this abuse Julz. Not necessarily him but the passive acceptance of it you seem to have within yourself. Probably your father had a bit to do with it. Your self esteem seems low and there is no reason it should be. You are a very good mother, but there is a weakness there that might accept abuse for a quite life. This could affect your children so don't settle for it. If he comes back there cannot be any abuse. Settle that in your mind. You will get free gradually if you stick to that.

Good advice Puash. Get around in one hit? You are not doing too bad yourself.

Raymond

[Julz]

You guys are so nice. Thank you Paul for your kind words. My problem is I love everyone and believe that everyone has the right to a chance in life. I do have some good advice, but struggle to listen to my own. Maybe it's the whole failure thing, I don't know.

Raymond, I know it is abuse, and I would love to be with my husband abuse free. He was a good man once.

I went out with a friend Friday night, only to a radio recording. He found out and sent me a text, demanding why I didn't tell him, I can only put down to him not liking the fact I actually went out. He then, phoned me up at 12.oo last night saying he was ill and needed to go to the hospital, and would I take him. He was very drunk. At first I was strong and said that I couldn't, then felt bad incase it was serious (liver disease went through my head). So me being an idiot took him. The closet hospital is 45 minutes away! The kids were at my brothers, I had to pick them up today, which is a 3 hour drive!

He was blabbering the whole time about me being the only one he trusted, bla bla. He then wouldn't get out the car as he said he just wanted to spend time with me. So I got out and went into the hospital.

We got home about 4.30 this morning, he asked if he could stay on the sofa, I said yes. (Stupid idiot). When I was heading off to bed, he asked if he could sleep next to me. I said no. A few minutes later he came up and got in. I didn't ask him to go, but I wanted him too. He knew I wouldn't.

I wish I had had the strength to tell him to either sleep down stairs or go home. I was scared, MUG slowly creeps back.

I had to leave at 7.30 this morning, niece was in a show hence the kids were at my brothers.

I know what he's doing, he can go out and have fun, see this woman, (which he is definately in a relationship with, and she says she is in love with him!!???), but me, no, I have to stay at home and wait for him. He is still trying to control me, and I let him.

Maybe it is due to my child hood, but I am not stupid, so why do I act like it??

[PAUASH29]

Julz your being sucked in however you realise he is trying to control you, some people wouldnt see that and just think that everything is ok or will be, you must be strong and make a stand because this guy will walk all over you, i realise you want your husaband back and certailny the man you married, but being realistic the way he is currently drinking etc, he obviously thinks he can go off with other woman have his fun get drunk and then come home to wifey and dominate when you can go out and who you can see, well knackers to it Julz make a stand pinch your self or something and get motivated because this guy doesnt deserve you, oh and does his bit on the side know about him stopping the other night, wonder what he told her, and can someone explain this last post before mine,

[Raymond]

Pauash has good points Julz. You seem to want him back wihout the abuse. How do you do that? Would you accept him back while he is committing adultery? There seems to be a line which you are crossing and allowing the abuse. Okay it is good to help others. You love others as yourself. As yourself means you love yourself. It doesn't mean you are against yourself. That doesn't help anyone in the world. It is an inner thing happening maybe because you have picked up that you are no good from somewhere or other, but the opposite is true. You have to silence these voices or don't believe them because they are lies. We all have a basic worth whoever we are and none of us should be downtrodden by others. It won't be helping them allowing them to do it. I think you can win that inner battle regardless of the marriage position. Sometimes a seperation is necessary for your own protection.

Raymond

[Julz]

I think I love others and help others, so I don't have to love and help myself. Maybe I see doing good things and being nice to others as a way of hiding what a bad person I really am. I don't want to be bad, I want to be good and I want to be loved.

I know I keep saying it, but I love the man I married. It has been a long time that we have been together, such a long time.

I am scared to find the person within me. I have had to obey and conform all of my life. If I have no one to tell me what I have to do, then I am surely lost.

Adultery. Funny word. If I was such a wonderful person, then why? Why would he go and do that?

My heart and soul is broken, yes he abused me, yes he manipulated me, yes I allowed it to happen.

I don't think that he will ever change, I think he probably manipulated me from day one. My saviour, my hero. No just an easy target, someone to control and mould. Tonight, something has changed. I can see through him, I don't like what I see. Love. A word that can mean so much to one person, but can so easily be abused by another. Is my meaning of love so wrong??

I know I am babbling, but the light has come on and blinded me. The spots in front of my eyes hurt, and the confusion is so strong. I want to cry, but have no tears, I am alone. I feel like that naughty little girl, waiting for dad to get in, scared, trembling. But you know, that little girl she used to stand so tall, arms by her side, quiet. Just behind the door, no tears. She was so brave. Now, as a grown woman, why can I not stand tall and be brave? Why?

I am tired. I am sorry, been a bad day. But writing all this helps, I think.

[PAUASH29]

Julz I find that genuinely upsetting, i really feel for you and at the moment just want to hold you and reasure you, no one should be given rights to dominate anybody, i can only assume you went through a lot as a child and i suppose this has become there later on in life, has your husband always been on this sort of level the way he is now, i wonder this because of your childhood did you naturally fall for a man of this demeaner, i dont know what to say Julz apart from its all wrong, your being blamed for something thats not your doing, why should you take on all this upset, the word yes some people use it to abuse but thats not love, Julz i have never met you, never spoken to you but yet feel the need to send you a big hug.

[Raymond]

Why do you have to conform and obey forever Julz? That was the soil you grew up in but out of that can come good. We don't have to be bound by our past. Just because you have faults like the rest of us you are still a person and have worth. Why do you punish yourself or allow the punishment from others? You are actually a very good mother and a faithful wife. You are a woman of worth that doesn't need this. I believe you have a chance to come out of it. You are disorientated because that is what you are used to, but if you walk away from it, I don't say him, I think you will find that there will be parts of you that will grow and fill that vacuum. You will be able to stand up and stand tall like you did when you were a girl. We all need companionship but domination and abuse will turn you into a non person eventually. You are worth much more than that. Take what is yours, your life, and with God's help use it.

Raymond

[Julz]

Thanks Paul, a hug would be nice. I was blinded by feelings for my husband, it's only now that I think that he was always controlling, always moulding me. Me being a wife who wanted to make her husband happy, got on with it. I wasn't sure how a true marriage was supposed to really work.

Raymond, I know now what a marriage should be, and I know I should believe in myself more. I allow these things because I truely want to please others. I like making people happy, I like to see people smiling. That way I get a glimpse of what life should be. That was always enough.

You speak of God, I know you how you feel about God, that pleases me that he can be with others and work his magic. But where was he all my life? I can't believe in something that has never given me hope. The one passage I love is Footprints. I dream of the Lord always being by my side and carrying me through the troubled times. Reading it makes me cry. I don't think I will ever be carried.

I was so sure of myself last week, seeing the glimmer of light. It has faded and gone dark. I am so low, and full of unhappiness. I am trying so hard to snap out of it for my childrens sake. I have nothing left to aid my front.

I am a good mother, how could 3 wonderful children be wrong? I know that I love them, protect them and guide them. I also know that I will always be there for them. The bond is so strong, another reason why I don't understand my husbands actions towards them. Surely a fathers bond is equal to a mothers?

I do want to stand up all tall and brave, confident about right from wrong. I feel so vulnerable and alone, weak. The pain just won't go away, with ever thump it cripples me further. I am shaking as I am typing, with tears that won't flow.

[PAUASH29]

Julz we just missed each other yesterday judging by the time of your post, remember you are not alone, we are with you it may seem like your slipping but your not, you are going to experience pain, feel low anger, relapses good days and bad days its all natural but each time you will get stronger, you are a human being you are you and only you have the right to dominate you no one else, so satnd up tall and be brave only this time you are doing it for a different reason and that is to regain life as it should be, the abuse has stopped, its time to look to the future, i am not religious but i find lots of comfort in Raymonds posts and see the sense and logic.Dont give up Julz i am depending on you.

[Raymond]

Raymond, I know now what a marriage should be, and I know I should believe in myself more. I allow these things because I truely want to please others. I like making people happy, I like to see people smiling. That way I get a glimpse of what life should be. That was always enough.

You speak of God, I know you how you feel about God, that pleases me that he can be with others and work his magic. But where was he all my life? I can't believe in something that has never given me hope. The one passage I love is Footprints. I dream of the Lord always being by my side and carrying me through the troubled times. Reading it makes me cry. I don't think I will ever be carried..

Being a doormat or a servant might make some people happy Julz but it won't be a happiness that will help them if they have to walk over you. I think I know where you are coming from and it might stem from a lack of self esteem and a possible a desire for a quite life because you feel inferior. I say that because it is where I come from.

Where was God in your life? I could have said the same for the earlier part of my life. Shoved into various orphanages as a baby. Sexually abused in one of them. No nurture of father or mother. Brought up by about fifty different people. Left with extremely low self esteem. God was there all the time but I had to hear about Him and come to Him the way He has ordained and there is only one way to come to Him. I didn't know that way or that truth as there were no christians in my background. I left covents hating religion because it doesn't satisfy. The way and the truth turned out to be a person who was waiting and wanting me to find him. It's not just for me it's for whoever.

Raymond

[Julz]

Raymond, you are a good man with sound advice. Your past is unbearable to think about, and hard for others to understand. I believe that my past only made me stronger. You found God, and I hope he has proven his worth. From what I get from you, God has made a big difference to your life, and in return you guide others. If more people could have your attitude and out look on life, the world maybe a better place.

I apprieciate all advice and guidance, and I am truely sorry for my desperate, attention seeking behaviour.

The past few days have been a real trial, and it has made me behave this way. I need to pull myself together and be strong.

He let the kids down again today, didn't pick them up for school. Turns out he has taken all he owns from his mates and vanished. I know it sounds harsh, and is against my vows but I have reached a point. I will not stand for this anymore, he is not welcome back as my husband. It pains me it really does, but his behaviour and attitude is messing up my head. I will stand tall and I will not be controlled or manipulated anymore.

I have taken off my ring, (I still have it on a chain around my neck, but it is not on my finger), I have stood up, and I would love to say I feel good. But, I don't. I know I have to get over it and assure the kids that I will always love them, and will never leave. They know I love them and they know I love their dad. Love hurts.

It is the four of us now, I accept that, they accept that, together we are a strong family unit that can cope and over come anything.

I hope I find a nice person within me. Inside right now I feel ugly, but with my kids by my side and a new world to explore, I can only hope for a chance to discover beauty within and all around. Thank you all particularly Raymond, Paul and the creators of this site.

This doesn't mean I will not return, as I will. I will update and hopefully give some useful advice. (You never know tomorrow I could be broken all over again, I hope not though). xx

[dave123]

Julz, good luck with your new future.

Reading your strong words made me feel a little better about my situation. Every time you feel low re-read them and get inspired again. Your children are very lucky to have a Mum as good as you.

Dave

[PAUASH29]

Julz good luck and thankyou, i hope you find your happiness you deserve it.

Paul

[Raymond]

Sounds like a goodbye even if temporary. You hope He has proven His worth is an understatement, but I won't get into that now.

You have honoured your vows Julz but he has left you. Also I don't believe the vows have to cover adultery. Even the scriptures confirm that. You are released if that happens.

I am glad you will not be controlled or manipulated anymore. Relationship is about free choices not control and manipulation. Mother child relationship is slightly different as they are under you until they are of age but I know that you will use that authority in love for their wellbeing.

God bless

Raymond

[Julz]

Hi Raymond, I didn't mean anything in a negative way, and perhaps the whole "Proven his worth" was not quite the right choice in words. I have seen what belief can do to people and how it can touch their souls so positively. Please forgive me for my poor choice of language.

Despite a very up and down week and a few tears, I have not given up on my new found strength. He has moved in to his mothers house, and hasn't seen or spoken to the children. But he assures me he will take youngest to school next week. I am still concerned about his health and drinking, but I have done all that I can and can not continue to beat myself up about it, or lose sleep. He can only do it for himself.

I am eating again and sleeping more. I know that I am not over the worst, but I know have the strength and mental attitude that can deal with anything. I even want to help others on this site and intend to post more often.

May be God has blessed me with strength. Thanks Raymond. x

[Raymond]

Hi Julz. I never took offence and know that you did not mean anything negatively. Yes it has transformed the poor life and background I had so powerfully. It is not a religion though it is more coming into a personal relationship with you know who.

I am glad you are keeping your positivity. You cannot force your help on anyone. Even God cannot do that to us because we all have freewill to be helped or not. Why we cling to our negative ways is always a mystery.

It is nice to see you are feeling a bit better and are being more determined.

Maybe God has blessed you with strength? We did pray although I suspect God always blesses right actions which you have been trying to do.

Raymond

[Julz]

Well the new strong me didn't last long. He came round for a "chat" earlier to sort things out, mortgage etc..

When I talked about him and his new girlfriend and that I know it has being going on since August from the phone bills, his reaction was, well if you had looked more closely you would have seen another number that kept appearing before that one.

I was taken aback, before??? Yes he said, he had been seeing some girl 14 years younger before the one he is with now!

Talk about a slap in the face. He said the others (the others???) meant nothing they were mostly drunken fumbles!

Oh, I am so deflated, why did I not see this? The most confusing part is he keeps telling me how much he loves me. Loves me??? Is this how you treat someone you love? He then said that I knew he had mental health problems over the past year and all I could do was be unhappy, which made him worse.

I have tried so hard to help him through his problems, which are mostly due to alcohol I am sure. I ran myself into the ground, running the home, sorting the bills when the money was going on booze, being a mother, and trying to protect them from the worst. I listened to him, I let him abuse me and take me for a fool, I tried to get him help. He blames me for making him go to the doctors, what was I supposed to do, I COULD NOT HELP HIM I TRIED.

My head is spinning, I have been so blind. Broken again, before I even had time to fix myself. I am so stupid. Failure all over again. Why does he have to keep kicking me in the teeth? I don't know if I can do this, I can't take much more.

[Ageing Grace]

Good God, Julz, no wonder your replies to others here are so empathetic. You've been living in a world of pain for decades - or maybe your whole life so far?

Some of your observations leapt off the page for me. Partly because they remind me of myself, but mostly because I am sure you would see them so much more clearly, had they been written by someone else:-

Loves me??? Is this how you treat someone you love? I am so stupid. Failure all over again.Inside right now I feel uglyMaybe I see doing good things and being nice to others as a way of hiding what a bad person I really am. I don't want to be bad, I want to be good and I want to be loved.I feel like that naughty little girl, waiting for dad to get in, scared, trembling. But you know, that little girl she used to stand so tall, arms by her side, quiet. Just behind the door, no tears. She was so brave. Now, as a grown woman, why can I not stand tall and be brave? Why?

Your tale moves me so much, I desperately want to cry. But I was a brave little girl like you, and learned not to make a fuss. It takes a cataclysm to break me down - I shall know I really am 'whole' when my tears come as I feel them.

As a grown woman, Jules, you didn't magically gain the knowledge of how to live a healthy, happy, loving life. We didn't learn that as children you or I, and that stoical little girl is still inside - waiting for us to grow up & take proper care of her.

You take very good care of your own children, by the sound of it: materially, educationally and emotionally. You're doing such a great job that your kids feel empowered to share their feelings with you, their parent: something I'm guessing you couldn't do as a child. Do you see what a wonderful testament that is to your ability to create, and live in, a better world than the world you grew up in?

I suggest you stop trying to "protect" your kids from what are, evidently, plain facts about their Dad. It's enough for them to know he means well, but is a bit of a prat on the whole. Do you want them to grow into men who believe - because their wonderful mother taught them so - that it's Ok for a guy to insult his wife, smash up the house and canoodle with the next-door-neighbour's friend?

Do you, heck.

What about the younger Julz, who still finds herself so ugly, stupid and useless that she is grateful a man will have her - even if he is a prat? She believes that if she can only love enough, she will be loved back, doesn't she? Children know no better, and this is what the adults in your childhood let you believe. I can see you are a wise woman and a good mother: can't you try, just a little bit, to bestow some of your wise mothering on yourself - that is, on the part of you which still stands there & bravely takes it? You deserve it.

Once, on an assertiveness course - when I was 45, for heaven's sake! - they gave us a list of basic human rights. One of these was "Every person has the right to be treated with respect." Not to earn respect, or to be granted respect: it is a basic right, and one which I had automatically afforded every other human being on the planet ... but never taken as a right of my own.

I'm passing that on to you because I think you might understand its impact :)

Be as wise as you are, Julz.
Love, x

[Raymond]

Being sick is no excuse for adultery. If he loved you he would be very sorry about this. Love is much more than words Julz. Where are the actions? He cheapens the word without showing the actions.

Raymond

[Julz]

Hi, thanks Ageing Grace your words mean a lot, and once again thanks Raymond.

I have been pulling myself together, whether it is a good thing or not, I am at the stage of not caring anymore. There is so much gossip and people trying to stir, but I am not interested. Knowing that he has done what he has done to me is enough. It doesn't matter how many times, once is bad enough the rest, it doesn't matter.

The boys went to stay with their dad over night, none wanted to go, but I said he has to be given a chance, and if they don't enjoy it they don't have to go again. I said that if they give it a chance, they might be surprised and have a good time.

They came back, saying that they had had a good time. Eldest seemed a bit snappy, but I put that down to being tired. I was picking up some mess and asked him if he was ok because he seemed tense. He exploded. He may be only 14 but at 6 feet tall and muscular to my tiny frame, meant that I got pushed about a bit. Not his fault, he hasn't really showed any emotion.

I kept hold of him until he had calmed down enough to talk, bless him he cried for hours and I cried with him. I explained that we had to live in the now, and can't keep having the "what if's" and "if onlys" going on, because it will drive us crazy. What is done is done, and as sad as it is, it will never be how it should have been or how it was. He apologised, and we discussed him seeing the school counsellor, as he may find it easier to talk to someone outside of the situation. He said he would enquire tomorrow.

I also told him that it was ok to feel anrgy and upset, but we have to deal with it before it gets to a stage where he can't control it. He is such a good boy with a beautiful soul, I hope I can help him before it gets too blackened.

On a plus side, I finally painted my room, I have had the paint for 3 weeks. Today I feel strong, and I now hope that I can use my strength to guide my 3 wonderful boys through such a terrible journey that they are experiencing.

[Raymond]

It is wondeful Julz that you oldest was able to cry and that you were there for him. Pent up emotions can do an awful lot of damage. I think that was great how it happened. You are proving again what a good mother you are. If that didn't happen it could have come out long term in a different destructive angry way, so well done.

Raymond

[dave123]

Julz, getting you guys to be open about their emotions is a really positive step for them.
I grew up in a problem drinking house and bottled emotions up for years. It has affected more than i possibly imagined and i can only start to recognize my behaviours now that it has been a big part of the reason my marriage is ruined.

They are lucky to have one good parent in you.

All the best, Dave

[Ageing Grace]

Hi Julz, thanks for your comment :)

Your reply to Dave123 was a powerful expression of life, hope and strength! Parts of it should be made into a poster for those going through harsh times ...

I hope you have your own poster (real or imaginary) of those thoughts, for the times when you feel less strong.

Your children are lucky to have a mother with your practical & emotional wisdom :) Keep on doing what's best for them, Julz, and remember to include your own self in your caring.

Love,
AG

[Julz]

Thanks again guys.

Ageing grace, my life turned a corner on Monday. The eldest's outburst helped me realise that I give quite good advice, and it's about time I started listening to my own.

After a great week, I hit a hurdle with H today. As a friend I asked him if he had had a good evening and he accused me of prying and told me I should mind my own business. I was hurt at first, that a friend couldn't ask. I mean I didn't really care, I was just making conversation. He told me basically he didn't want my friendship. After a few hours, I realised that I shouldn't let it bother me. Live in the now.

So yes, POSITIVE, POSITIVE, POSITIVE all the way. He can not get into my head and screw it up anymore. The future is my Boys and me, and we are going to have the best Christmas ever. My new years resolution is stay strong and live for the moment.

[Raymond]

Have a great Christmas Julz. Yes live one day at a time, but you can also plan for the future. The thing is not to be anxious or be worrying about tomorrow which equals living for today as you say.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

I give quite good advice, and it's about time I started listening to my own.

Hey, Julz, you & me both :D

Have a superb Christmas this year ... especially if previous ones have been a bit of a drama. It is a time for peace and love; your boys and you could do with that :)

All the very best,
AG x

[Julz]

Well, Happy New Year to all my friends.

Thought I would give a quick up date.

I had all these visions and was mind set that the new year meant a new start and happiness for me and my boys. Hmmm.

Christmas was ok, he had them Christmas day, as planned. Like I said before we always celebrate Christmas on boxing day. It was fine I dropped them off, then cried all the way to my mums. I felt empty, seeing him and knowing that the past 16 Christmases I had been with him, and this year I would be alone. Mum was great she tried, but it was an average day.

Boxing day was good, it went well with my family all getting together, the kids had a fab time. It was nice.

All was busy then for the next few days, went to a panto as I had promised the kids for years I would take them and never got round to it. They had a great time, cool.

I became unwell a few days before new year, relapse of before. Unforunately it almost kills me off, and had to argue with the doctor not to hospitilize me. I needed to be with the kids as I promised. I felt a let down new years eve as I wasn't up to all the things planned, but did try. I was so emotional and depressed it hurt so bad.

I'm not sure if it was because I was ill, or unprepared for how I was going to feel, being alone and all, or whether it was the fact that I had let my kids down again, maybe a combination, who knows.

So here I am again, lost and broken. I shouldn't be like this, I was doing well. But the last few days, I have been drowning all over again, but my biggest worry is I'm not even trying to swim. I have nothing left.

My kids have been great, but it is not their place to look after me.

Sorry to be miserable at a time I should be happy.

[dave123]

Well, Happy New Year to all my friends.

Thought I would give a quick up date.

I had all these visions and was mind set that the new year meant a new start and happiness for me and my boys. Hmmm.

Christmas was ok, ... it was an average day.

Boxing day was good, it went well with my family all getting together, the kids had a fab time. It was nice.

So here I am again, lost and broken. I shouldn't be like this, I was doing well. But the last few days, I have been drowning all over again, but my biggest worry is I'm not even trying to swim. I have nothing left.

My kids have been great, but it is not their place to look after me.

Sorry to be miserable at a time I should be happy.

Hi Julz, i have cut down the quote to reply to the bits that really got to me.

Kids had a fab time (it was nice)

Christmas was OK, average etc.

You have written exactly how i felt and feel. I had mentally prepared myself for the constant contact with the W and the family questions and difficult situations over Xmas, i was even ready for the midnight moment of new years eve. I didn't expect joy and certainly didn't get any. What i hadn't done was think about 2009 other than in general terms. When New years day came it hit me like a tonne of bricks. 365 days sprawled out in front of me, and other than the days i have my son the emptiness i can see was a real gut punch. One day at a time is OK, and i assume it works because people have got through this, but when you're in it boy does it feel sh*t.

I have felt worse in the last couple of days than i have before. The anger comes and goes, the questions ring in my head constantly, but the sadness is growing and growing. I thought i was coming out of it, but i guess after 8 weeks i am still in the middle of it all just trying my best. I sat at my desk and cried today, luckily i was on my own. You are not alone in feeling the way you do. I'm glad you said "Happy new year to all my friends" because that's what you guys are and i really need it. The two friends (couples) i have relied on have both said they don't mind helping me but i do feel like there is a time limit on me being miserable before they have had enough. At least on here i can post away and if no-one wants to read it that is fine!

Your kids will look after their Mum because that's what families do and that's what love is. You will need to be strong for them but seeing a parent weak is only bad if they don't admit they are in trouble and do something about it. You are and will continue to be a good parent. It's a fact.

And as for being sorry for being miserable, well just forget it. 2009 will be both hard and great at times. For you and me and everyone. We owe it to ourselves to make it as good as we humanly can.

I really appreciate you sharing because i thought i was doing OK, by slipping back i thought i was failing, but now i know it's not just me. I'll be on here for some time to come. Hopefully at some point i can be the wizened voice that is Raymond but for now i will just try to help any way i can.

Be happy.

Dave123