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Sara-jayne
21st February 2002, 09:23 PM
This is something I guess i would rather not talk about. I ahve been married for 10 years and we have had our ups and downs. My biggest problems that I jsut can't talk about is when we get to have sex. Yes my husband is loving but with the usual high sex drive. But once we get started I find myself having horrible sex fantasies that I wouldn't like in real life. I want to shut them down but the only way I can get through to the end and climax is with a fantasy. I have to climax otherwise my husband won't stop until he is happy that I enjoyed myself. Apparently I can't enjoy myself without climaxing!
It's putting me off having sex at all - which of course, doesn't help as now my husband thinks that I must be having an affair - how could I possibly have no sex drive? He thinks
If I told him about the problem he would just want me to share the thoughts and then try some of them out. All I want is to be held and loved. I don't want weird kinky sex.

Kate
23rd February 2002, 01:55 PM
Sara-jayne,

Have you thought of trying to talk about your sexual relationship with your husband but to leave out the bit about the fantasies, at least for the moment.

What comes through from your posting is that you have different levels of interest in sex and probably different needs when it comes to how to approach love-making.

You can tell your husband that you find you don't want to make love as often as he does, but that you want to talk it through, because it's not that you don't love him - it's that you are different. Try talking to each other about what turns you on and what you enjoy. Try and make an agreement that you are just going to try and listen, understand and accept where the other person is coming from at first. To do this you'll have to try and put on hold some of the judgements and internal conversations that arise, especially if you don't like, or feel threatened by, what you hear. Remeber your husband's self worth may be partly dependent on being able to satisfy you sexually, so try and help him see it's not necessarily him failing you.

There are lots of reasons why people have different sexual appetites (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/sexdr/). It can be a matter of personality, attitudes, or tiredness or needing to feel loved and involved with each other before making love. Men and women can be different in whether they are turned on by what they see (more male) or what they hear (more female). Men can get turned on quickly, often women need time to get in the mood. There can be fears of can I satisfy my spouse? or will they be tempted to look elswhere? All these things can pray on our mind and prevent us from relaxing and enjoying each other.

Sexual communication goes on all day. The way we are with each other during the day, our gentleness, attentiveness, and tenderness can all affect the way we are when we make love.

The area of sexual fantasies is often rooted in some material we've seen, a film, a book, a magazine. Try and avoid such material if it's becoming intrusive. If you can begin to communicate about your sexuality with each other and remove the pressure of coming to please your husband, then you may find it easier to push away the fantasies and concentrate on the reality of giving each other pleaseure and celebrating your love for each other. You may find some of the other articles and books in the topic area on Sexual Communication (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/) may be of interest.

I hope these thoughts give you some ideas about how you can begin to explore this area with your husband.

Best wishes

Kate