Alone and Empty!

[Graeme]

My wife is 42 and I'm 37 together for 15yrs, married 8 and in that time we'd had a great marriage with the usual relationship ups and downs. 1 big thing that we have hanging over us is we're in severe financial difficulties which looks like it could end in banruptcy. 4 weeks ago my wife out of the blue announced she was leaving the family home the reason was that she said she didn't like the house. We stayed in the same house for a week when she then moved into a rented house taking my stepson which i've raised as my own child since he was a new born baby 15yrs ago.
Since we split up we have tried to sort out our seperation and tried to get back together as she says she loves me. She keeps coming back to me first saying we would try to get the spark back but then the week after she went out with friends and I then recieved a text from her telling me she was sorry but she'd kissed someone while out this devestated me and that seemed to be that until the next day when we going thru the whole breakup again.
We then came to the conclusion we should be together and we were going to get back together it was hard for me as she'd given me hope then the week before but I went and stayed with her for 2 days and everything was great we made plans she was coming home and everything was great for 5 days we were making plans again. Her mother came back from holiday and everything changed again she wasn't coming home but wanted me to live with her, to me this wasn't practical. But even worse everything changed again.
While we were in a good patch I asked her to go on a night out with some members of my family and it was a disaster nobody spoke to her or could even look at her this made her very uncomfortable but we got thru and spent the friday night and sat together everything was ok sunday until she visited friends again she's now told me it's all over and she won't even speak to me or give me a reason why it's over.
I love her dearly and even offered to move in with her she suffers severe depression I've told her I would go take her to get further help she agrees then changes her mind I've asked her to go to marriage counselling but she won't. This is hurting so much I've always been there for her in her darkest days when nobody cared or loved her and think I deserve answers. I hope you can make sense of this as I'm very emotional I can't sleep,eat or look anyone in the eye as I keep bursting into tears

[PAUASH29]

Graeme i am going through a similar problem and have also this last weekend done nothing but cry, not eaten and not slept and when i did finally get to sleep, my heart would race and i would wake up, i am still currently with my wife but things are very tense.For four or more years now i have supported my wife through depression and yes those darkest of days and we have certainly had them, we have had the usual marital problems in the past and we considered bankrupcy but managed to sort our finances by arrangeing meetings with all the people we owe priortising the most important and dictated to them what we were going to pay them, some said no way so we said sue us because we werent bothered about credit, i shouldnt say this but if they take you to court then they have to freeze the interest and no more goes on, mortgage people are more understanding thats the priority, anyway strayed off the subject.My wife got depressed through her job and everynight would come home either in tears or ranting and raving not at me but about work, this wore me down but i stuck in there, she is now in a new job and has completely gone the other happy as can be but has left me at rock bottom where she was, but she cant understand why i am so unhappy and has found happiness elsewhere basically doesnt need me anymore, i suspect that she is either having an affair or is about to but one thing i do know is that she is under pier pressure what anyone says apart from me is right and i think in your case there is some outside inffluence when she discusses the future with you, it is with you and moving foreward but when she is with friends they are advising her otherwise, because you want to arrange the counselling thats great you know that because you have lived with depression, but people who havent ie friends and possibly even her mum would tell her to go out and party meet new friends and all will be alright so because your wife is so mixed up everything she is told is right, curiously how has your social life been in the past, did you get out much because if you didnt then perhaps its time you did, i think you need to be strong, talk to her tell her exactly how you feel and it may sound harsh but tell her your so unhappy you want to find the laughter again, but you want to know where you fit into her future because you want to move foreward and get on with your life, you are important and your not just a shoulder when everything goes wrong that can be used as and when, Your 37 your in your prime dont forget that but be strong my friend.

Paul

[Graeme]

My wifes depression got worse when her Stepdad was diagnosed with cancer and eventually died she was never close to him or her mother and only became close to them again at that time her mother basically chose her stepdad over her and disowned her as a teenager. She was off work for 6months with depression but went back as we were short of money this was against my wishes and against the doctors also but she'd basically been told she'd lose her job. It sounds corny from a non believer but my wifes best time of life was when she found god and went to church it gave her a lift and her whole outlook on life changed she saw the beautiful in everything and everyone she always has been the most generous and loving person you could ever meet and would give you her very last of everything.
She has since told me it's over for good but still no reason why and has told me to stop trying to get her back but I don't see why she should get an easy ride out of this I'm on the verge of losing everything my happiness, her, a son, our family home which to be truthful I can't bare to be in anymore and I also now don't have any transport as she's taken that.
As for going out she would go out odd times with her friends never liked it much as she used to flirt and when she would come in she would verbally abuse me I know I have a jealous streak and would be quite a couple of days before she went out but I never tried to stop her and over the last few months I've made a huge effort to not let it bother me. As for me going out on the town it's never been my thing since I was 18 I prefer gigs, meal or the cinema.

[PAUASH29]

Graeme i am sorry to hear this, ironically my wifes childhood was one of witnessing domestic violence whilst growing up so none of the family are close, and as she reached her late teens early twenties she would go out with older men twice her age, she has told me that she was looking for a father figure, i read an article that some woman have a midlife crisis in thier late thirties early forties looking for an identity again especially when they havent got out much and have bought up children, i dont know if this is true but perhaps your wife is experiencing this, i had a message from one of the others saying that perhaps my wife has a wandering spirit, however i have always seemed to have taken the blame for my wifes mistakes and i am not going to do it anymore and i am not going to show her that i am upset,as for the flirting it would make anyone jelous it probably would her if it was you, i know she hasnt given you any reasons for the split perhaps you will never know, but you are important to yourself pull yourself together and certainly make a stand if she has threatened to take the lot.You both have a child together in this and you have your rights so dont let her manipulate the situation, dont let it eat you up easier said than done i know but you have a life as well go out and live it i know i am.Oh and Graeme your not on your own and it wasnt until i found this site that i realised nor was i.

Paul