Confused

[HURTHUBBY]

I know this is lengthy- please bear with me. Can someone please help me understand what has happened to my marriage? My wife and I have been married for about 8 years and had the perfect marriage- very few arguments, like interests, etc. Friends used to comment on how great our marriage was! About 2 1/2 years ago my wife gave birth to our only child- a beautiful daughter who we both love very much. About 3 months after our daughters birth, my wife went back to work and that is when everything changed.
My wife was working until about 10pm and then she would stay out drinking until I had to go to work at 2am. When I would get home from work she would sleep until she had to go to work. I have always trusted my wife and never attempted to be controlling. Therefore this behaviour continued. One day a former friend of hers called me at home and said to keep my wife away from her husband, Sabin. My wife and I discussed it and I came to the conclusion that the story was not true. After all, I have always trusted my wife.
A few months later, my wifes best friend, Tina, called me at work telling me stories about my wife cheating on me. We got together and she showed me on my wifes cell bills where she had been calling Sabin minutes after I would leave for work. Tina pointed out many other things that led me to beleive my wife was having an affair. I confronted my wife and told her that I have never in our 10 year marriage flirted with another woman, let alone cheat. She started crying hysterically and swore it was not true so we called Tina over. I repeated what had been going on and Tina denied ever telling me any of this stuff. Tina is gay and my only assumption, as I write this today, is that she was trying to get me out of the picture so she could make a move on my wife.
My wife and I moved on but the damage done has survived over a year. Weeks after the incident my wife asked me to let her continue the friendship with Tina. I said yes because I trust her, a decision I will live to regret I am sure.
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[HURTHUBBY]

My wifes drinking got worse and she started spending bill money. I would explain to here that she was hurting us and that we were going to lose the house. She said I was nagging her and if I didn't stop she would spend everything. We tryed different options including her handling the bills. Months later she told me I had to do the bills because it was to much stress. When I got the responsibility back we were 3 months behind on everything and I had a note saying the house is going into foreclosure. How could she do this to us?
Around this same time period, she started telling me I "suck" in bed and to be careful because she has temptations. Another time she put her wedding ring on the dresser and said she was going to get someone else. She also asked me to have a threesome with Tina. She also visits those cyber sex sites often. despite my pleas her friendship with Tina grew to where they spent more time together than my wife and I. I knew our marriage was in trouble and tried to get her to spend more time together. She would tell me she wanted to go drink and hang with her friends.
(Sorry - this is getting long)

[HURTHUBBY]

In January of this year my wife was arrested for domestic violence when she got in a fight with her sisters husband. Yes she was drinking. While she was in jail, Tina told me that they had a passionate kiss and fondled each others breasts. I asked my wife about this. Once again Tina denied telling me this information.
Now my wife thinks I made both stories up to ruin her friendship with Tina. As I write this she is at Tina's. She has just dropped me off at home after telling me she love's me but she's not in love with me. She wants me to stay with my mom for a few weeks while she 'explores". I asked if exploring meant being with other people and she said no but that doesn't mean it won't happen. She also said the time away is so I don't stress about her drinking. She knows it makes me unhappy. Seperating may help but I don't trust her when she drinks whether it be drinking and driving with my daughter or the possibility she have sex with someone else. She said her goal is to make her happy - whatever it takes. None of these problems started until she started drinking and hanging out with that pyschotic liar, Tina. I don't want my marriage to end. She won't do AA. Please help!

[HURTHUBBY]

I also want to say that my wife admits Tina grabbed her breast but it was in a playful manner. Tina also tried to turn my wifes parents against me by saying I neglect my daughter and that she is a better dad than me. My wife said it has come to seperation because I am not going to choose her friends. Yes - I did tell my wife that she should get Tina out of our lives, but it is because she has repeatedly tried to destroy our marriage. My wife doesn't see it.
I know after some people read this they are going to say I'm an idiot if I don't realize she has already cheated on me. Even her own family believes it. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt because there is no solid proof that she did any thing...and I have always trusted her.

[Kate]

Dear Hurt Hubby,

Your life seems to have got in a bit of a mess. I know you are convinced that Tina is the main cause of this, but there may be other issues. Focussing on her and making your wife choose between you is not necessarily going to help.

There are lots of things that you can do. Try to understand your wife and her needs. Why is she drinking? Is she happy being a mum? What do you expect of each other?

What does she mean by saying she loves you, but isn't "in love" with you? Is there something missing for her in your relationship? Have you asked her what it is and what you can both do to rediscover it?

What does she expect of you as a husband? What would help her feel more in love with you? Somewhere back about the time you had your baby, she started looking for something more out fo life and started drifting away. You're both responsible for that moving apart and if you want to rebuild things then you need to work out together what is needed.

It's very easy to get into demand and counter-demand - a win/lose stiuation. Your marriage will flourish best if you're looking for the things that draw you together.

One of the best ways to make an impact on your marriage is to find out how you can change in a way that will strengthen it, yet usually we expect the only solution is for our partner to change (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/whyme/). I know there are lots of things that your wife is doing that are making life difficult, but why not have a look at this article by Michelle Weiner-Davies's on the subject.


Kate

PS By the way unless you have a problem with your own computer you should be able to leave one long posting without splitting it up into three or four bits.