Can you move on after an affair??

[Laura3169]

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 10. Over the past 6 months we have drifted apart, and my husband told me he didn't feel the same as he used to.

Now to cut a story short I have been trying to get my husband to see a counsellor for years as he lost both his parents together and his child hood was terrible. He was starting to show all signs of depression and I tried to help him but if anyone knows you can't help someone who doesn't want it. Things got bad and I was quizzing him about everything and eventually I moved out. I couldn't understand why he was being like this. When I moved out I went on holiday and when I got back he was terrible he was really strugling (depression).

Now that I was quite relaxed after the holiday i decided to have it out, he told me he had grown close to someone in work and been spending time with her. That was it, over! So I took all my stuff and told him I was going to see a solicitor. He broke down, i've been away from the home now for 2 months and in that time he has been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and has been signed off work, he is also seeing a counsellor. I am still in touch with him as I still dearly love him and do worry about him and I do believe he is truely sorry. He say's he regrets everything, and has realised what he has lost he is really really trying - I have had letter after letter, he wrote to my parents, friends telling them what a fool he was, flowers delivered to work, home.

After weeks and weeks of deliberation I decided to forgive him and give it another go, i still haven't moved home but we are starting again, dating going away for weekends, we have both realise what went wrong and we were both to blame. But things weren't as simple, I was tring and trying to move on but i had something stopping me, so i asked him. The answer was yes he had slept with her!! My bubble has been burst again, but I think deep down I knew. I love him so much, and I can hand on heart say that I do believe he would never do it again, but can i move on. He said at the time he didn't know what he was doing, he thought he'd lost everything.

Is there anyway of getting through this, in time will the pain ease or will it haunt me forever?? I have set a moving back in date for 31st Oct, can I do it? Has anyone got through an affair xx

[Raymond]

I know adultery is a terrible thing Laura but you have two things going for you. One is his repentance and the realisation of the terrible thing he has done. The second is your willingness to forgive. As you say it is unlikeley ever to happen again.

I know you have been hurt terribly Laura but the two building blocks that are in your marriage are exactly the two you need to mend this marriage. You are in shock and you are hurt but his repentance and your forgiveness (equally important) will see you through. Time will heal you, which wouldn't be the case if he was not repentant which is the case in a lot of marriages that end in divorce. It doesn't have to be this way for you from what I can see. Doesn't make it right. Far from it. But you can move on from this.

Really it is all there for it to be mended and maybe even better than before because of what he has learned.

Raymond

[Bob Pure]

Has anyone got through an affair xx

Hi Laura

Yes, I have. And many many other folks who get themselves a plan.

I disagree with the wise Raymond time alone does NOT heal: its what you fill the time WITH that heals.

You have an opportunity to build a great marriage if you use some tools. Its an opportunity to affair-proof your marriage and to fall in love and STAY in love.

First building blocks for a marriage after an affair are:

1) affair ends ( great! that seems so in your case !)
2) Extraordinary precautions for No Contact ( NC) with the other woman ever again. Warning - that probably means changing jobs.
3) Your H must earn his place back in your life. Raise your bar HIGH, that's where the best recoveries come from in my experience.

Affairs are like addictions for the folks involved in them - they are adsicted to how they feel about themselves when they are with their affair partner.

Like any addict the addiction must be broken for recovery to occur. Your H must go through " withdrawal" and lose his remaining feelings of yearning for this woman. Every contact he has with her will reset his addiction clock back to zero. he must never see her again, and send her a letter you approve of that says this clearly.

Buy "Surviving an affair"by Willard Harley for extra guidance.

You can get past this, andyour H can regain your trust but he has to do all the proven right things.


all blessings

[Raymond]

Hi Laura Bob is quite right time alone does not heal so I will rephrase.

With your husband's repentance and your forgiveness you are not in a time alone situation. Time will heal in the sense that you both will be sowing the right actions. Having done that you will need time as well to adjust from the past. Healing does need a little time even when the correct things have been done which I believe you are doing.

Bob has some good practical advice but my emphasis just now is that I believe it will work out for you Laura in taking the step you outlined because of both your attitudes.

Raymond

[Laura3169]

Thanks guys, your words of advise do really help. I just felt so alone, my friends and family know a brief outline but I didn't want them to know about the sleeping together part. Unless you have been through it, or something similar it is very hard to give advise - they would just tell me to get rid of him.
We have the foundation, we just need to build on it - and I am more confident now that it can be done.

Thank you, thank you xx

[Raymond]

Thats great Laura.

Raymond

[xxkeys]

I do truly believe that u can move on after an affair but i agree with Raymond that there has to be a truly unique regret from the guilty party.
It seems to me that your H has that regret and for that i would say that your lucky, although it might not feel like it.
My husband is now in a full blown relationship with the 'friend' of mine that he had the affair with so for me, i had no choice or chance to forgive him and make it work.
If u believe u can then go for it, only u know how u feel and only u can set the foundations of the rest of your life with this man.

Good luck,

Keeley x

[val100]

H and I are doing it,
it isn't always easy but it helps that we have both learnt so much from what happened.
Everyday even the bad days there is something positive coming through.

Be patient, be open, be honest and want it 100% only then does it work. Trust me this is our 3rd time fixing it and this is the first time I know for sure we will be ok, (last week I wouldn't have said that.)

you have a very rough road ahead there is no quick solution and as my H said we might be fixing this for the rest of our lives but hey whats the hurry.

He needs to be ready for the days when you are really hurting and there will be loads.

go for Counselling and embrace the new marriage