Am I crazy to keep trying?

[Marie]

My husband used to be very jealous and possesive.He said he loved me very much.He was a reserved person with strict family values and I was the only woman in his world.We fought terribly because he restricted me in my freindships,work and my every movement.He said I was too pretty and sexy and that he was always afraid to loose me to someone better than him.I refused to be controlled(he Even insisted on reading my girlfriend letters).He became more and more physically abusive and started drinking.He even would rape me to show that he is "The Man".I lost all my love and respect for him.

Finally I left him and took my then 4 year old son to live in another country where he could not follow.He was devastated saying in his letters how much he loved me and son,friends said later he was heartbroken ,crying in his sleep,strangely I felt only a sense of relief and freedom with pity for him no more.

I have not made much use of my freedom.I have not been able to love and have a close relationship with other men who said they loved me.Slowly at first I realized that my husband was the only real love of my life after all and had many good sides to him.By then almost 3 years have passed.

I decided to rescue our marriage,to make it up to him,to make him him feel loved and secure.give up on my pride and independency. That was the beginning of my misery wich been going on for 3 years now with no end in sight.
Sometimes he wants me and sometimes he doesnt.He is a changed man,outgoing ,flirting with everybody,women calling him endlessly on the phone.has a romance with a 24 year old girl(he is 38).Gone are his values,his sincerety I loved him for.

We live in same city now.Separated.we call and see each other.He says he doesn't love me anymore but would not file for divorce.he wants me in his life as a friend yet now and then tries to be intimate and suggests making up only to change his mind next day.Says he needs his freedom and I am the wrong person for him.Friends say to give up on him and that it is selfish of him to be using me like that.But I feel that I am responcible for the person he became.I want to help him change back.I miss him in my life. Could it be a sort of midlife crisis he is going through?should I prove my love by being there for him or should give up on him the second time? Can our love be reborn in his heart like it was in mine? Do you know of similar stories with a happy ending? I can't make a decision and I,m loosing my life and mind.

Marie.

[Unregistered]

Dear Marie
I can't say taht I ahve been in your situation exactly. But I was engaged to a guy for quite a while when i was younger. eventually we broke up, my decision. however, he told me that he was going to go and work abroad and work himself to death and it would basically be all my fault.
He went, but we phoned and wrote letters. Apart from the fact that I felt he was trying to balckmail me into marrying him, I realised that he was responsible for his own choices in his life. If he chose to blame me that was his decision. I felt that it would have been wrong to marry him.
Needless to say in the end he worked abroad and came home after a couple of years. We have not had any further communication. He was a great guy.
I guess what i am trying to say is that only you and God know whether this relationship is right. Your husband is a grown man and he has to make his own choices for his life and so do you.
Guilt I have found tends to eat away at you. The decisions you made in the past are made and you can't change them. So you are wasting your time and effort still feeling guilty about them.

It looks from what you wrote that he is trying to punish you for leaving in the first place. And he wants to say that he is still desirable by showing off his gilrfriend.

I can't make a decision for you and you wouldn't really want me to. But if I were you, iwould decide exactly what it is you want and what is best for you and them go for that. I have found that when i ahve decided what I am aiming for it makes things a bit easier. Then all you have to do is figure out how.

[Jante]

As a Christian I believe that God can and will ehlp you in any situation if you ask Him. If you trully want your husband back then pray for him and ask God to give you pointers as to the way to be with you husband. My own husband has gone off with another woman but after a year of being apart I am still praying for him to recognise what has gone wrong and for him to repent- come back to God and to me.Jante