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josurf35
15th February 2002, 02:32 AM
My wife and I have been married for just over 7 years, have two small kids, and are having problems. My mom-in-law passed away 3 months ago, and I had a breakdown, and took it out on my wife 3 days later and one day before the funeral. The time my wife needed me the most, all I could do was yell at her all day. I feel awful, but she's taking life pretty hard lately. The thing is, she suggested I go on a week's holiday with my friends, and when I got back, she told me (only 45 minutes after arriving home after a 10 hr. flight) that she has been thinking and feels that we may have grown apart, and that she cannot handle the constant arguing. She says she wants what's best for the kids, but I've been a wreck for two days now. I desperately want to work things out. I am under a lot of stress, and so is she. I don't really know if I'm asking a question here, but I hope someone might have some words they could pass on. I'm at a loss. I bought her a dozen red roses for Valentines Day, and all I could muster to put into the card was "Will you be my valentine?"
I'm scared...I don't want our marriage to end....I love her dearly...I want us to have a functioning 4 person family...I just don't seem to be able to get her to forgive me.
Thanks for listening.

Kate
15th February 2002, 03:46 PM
Dear Josurf35,

Both of you are going through tough times at present. I'm sure your wife is still grieving for her mother and is hurt that you weren't able to support her at that time.

You can't expect everything to come all right at once - it is going to take time. Have you actually asked your wife to forgive you for hurting her? Are you getting help with your breakdown?

It sounds as if you could both do with some professional help as you face up to the pain and stress that you are going through - there are various avenues you could explore - your doctor, marriage or personal counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/), bereavement counselling. It's ok to ask for help - it's a sign of courage not failure.

Your wife may have put her finger on some things - you may have started to grow apart and the conflict is getting her down. Neither of these things have to be the end. Unfortunately when we become disillusioned (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/), we tend to shrink back into an attitude of independence to protect ourselves from the pain. That doesn't solve anything.

There are things you can do - you can work on how you can handle conflict (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/) in a more constructive manner. Simple things like trying to be sensitive to each others emotional and practical needs and expectations can help. If you're not sure what those needs and expectations are, then try gently asking her. If some of the things she says in reply hurt or you feel defensive, try to have the courage and strength to put aside your own feelings and hear what she's saying and try and act on it.

Yes it is scary when things go wrong, but you love your wife and are committed to her, and if you are willing to learn what's needed and change if necessary, then there's no reason why you can't make it work.

josurf35
16th February 2002, 02:40 AM
Thanks Kate, we've talked since yesterday, and she tells me that she'll have nothing to do with me until I get a counsellor. It was my first day back at work today, and I was swamped. I was not able to find the time to phone around different counsellors. When she found out that I had not got a counsellor today, she told me that I did not give a sh!t about our marriage today, and that I totally disrespected her and took her for granted. We agreed yesterday that I would get help as soon as possible. I never promised it would be the next day. I even left work an hour early to do the grocery shopping and cook dinner for the family. So come Monday, I'm seeking a counsellor for myself.

Dave
16th February 2002, 11:03 AM
Josurf

One of the things we have found along the way is that we each look for quite specific signals about our relationship.

Clearly one of the signals that your wife is looking for is that you are doing something about couselling, or probably more specifically about your relationship - buying food and cooking for her doesn't hit the spot - it needs to be something visible about your relationship.

This weekend why not try to sit down together and each write down the dozen or so things that your partner does that makes you feel most loved? Then take a look at the list and try to see a pattern; is it:

thoughtful gifts you have received?
special words you have said to each other?
the way you touch each other and show physical affection?
special occasions or times together?
Kind actions you have done for each other?

Then rank these 1 - 5, and share this with your partner. Take a look at what each of you writes - there are no right or wrong answers, just different priorities and responses. Learn to give what your partner wants to receive, not what you want to give!!

If your wife really values you working on your relationship, why not go down to the Bookstore this morning and buy a copy of the Five Love Languages (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/fivelovelang/) (which the above excercise is based on) and read it?? You might find that tough to do, but she may see it as a real sign you want to work at things.

My last thought is this - focus on changing yourself to be the best partner you can be - don't try to change her. You have all the resources you need to be the husband and father your family needs!!

Dave