Our marriage is a sham, he's addicted to porn and hes the ass. pastor

[psalm42v5]

There is much more to it than just the title. Theres much history involving 15 unhappy years of marriage, some years of disullusionment and backsliding, including unfaithfulness on my part. Of course, the Lord never lets us go. I've been blown away by His grace and goodness as i have seen both myself and my husband return to the Lord with us still together! We even renewed our wedding vows. Soon after we returned to the Lord we started to feel the call of God on our lives once again. We both said it must be real this time, no playing at church. But here we are again. The marriage is a nothingness and he doesnt know i know hes looking at porn everyday. I've always found it really hard to weigh up a church life whilst knowing things are so not right! I can't talk to anyone really. So, what do you reckon i should do next?? sorry its a bit of a long story shortened. hope it makes sense.

[Raymond]

Does he know that porn is mental adultery? It's one thing to be saved another to put on Christ daily. Obviously the battle has not been won yet. What else can one say but to press into Christ. He shows a disrespect to you by this behaviour and it will affect your sex life. This stuff gets in and that is what he is seeing in his head even when you come together. This is more powerful than one would think.

Raymond

[GHYVR]

Wow. I'm not to sure who he can turn to, perhaps within the church, being a Pastor and all. He definetley has a problem though, and he should seek counceling somehwere.

As Raymond said, he's wearing two faces. Unfortunately, one of them is a person of trust, power and respect. He is someone who steers peoples lives.

You said 15 years of unhappy marriage. Has it all been unhappy? Focus on the good times and see what can be gleaned from those. It doesn't sound to good though.

Hang in there, and hope for the best. Otherwise, pack your bags, you can't force yourself to stay in that type of relationship if something doesn't change fast.

Ghyvr

[ashyah]

He needs to step down from pastorship. Until he gets counseling and makes it right with you and God.

Pornagraphy has a strong pull. I heard that when you look at pornagraphy it burns something in your brain. And, you are not able to forget the images.

I pray that it goes well for you. You must pray and ask God to give you strength and pray for your husbands healing.

[psalm42v5]

Thanks for taking time to read and reply to my post.



We both know in theory that even looking at another woman/man in a lustful way is adultery. And he also said to me once that, yes, its true the images do stay in your mind. It does effect things between us. And it doesnt seem to make any difference whether we're active in the bedroom or not. I'm having real difficulty sitting down and talking about it with him. I don't think he even knows i'm aware of what hes been up to. Usually just his general attitude gives it away. This conversation must be had. I'm not sure what to do if i can't talk to him about it or if he just continues anyway?



To me, i am saddened by him looking at porn but i'm more sick of the little or no effort put into our relationship. The only time I've been happy is right at the start, before we were married. I know its expected for the initial 'magic' to wear off but any affection or care has been, as far as i can see, very one sided. I really loved him for probably at least the first 5 years but theres only so much rejection a person can take! It certainly didn't help when i was presented with another man willing to shower me with all the things i craved. I still take full responsibility for it though. When all that was going on, my husband had to leave the leadership of church and dropped out of it all which of course i feel very responsible for. Not only did it effect us but the whole church too. I've always been waiting for a miracle from God for our marriage and thought i had it when God brought us back from our backslidings. I suppose that was a miracle really! But, here we are again :0( I can't talk to the leadership of church about this. I don't want to be responsible for him pulling out of it all again!



Packing my bags isn't an option for me. Theres more than my happiness at stake!



Prayer is so important for us! I know this but i soo need to hear this from you people! Thanks again! Please reply again if you have anymore pearls of wisdom that might beable to help me!

[Sonhia]

First I don't want to offend or disrespect anybody I am not a christian but I can see something is wrong here, I don't think is a good idea for you're husband to be practicing christianity to people when he is not doing well in his own life, I understand that no one is perfect and also understand that you love him and want to stand by his side but also understand that you are a christian and I have friends and family who are christians and live by the advice or counsel of there pastors and I wouldn't like the idea of living my family or friends in a church where there pastor is not doing a good christianity life.
Another thing that this I don't understand and I hope someone can answer this one, first I do believe in God and have faith in him, but isn't to much to leave everything to Him, I mean I do believe that God give us the opportunity to choose from right and wrong and I don't think that be praying for a miracle is the best way to solve this problem when you as a christian know the answer. For me a christian has to be a very strong person, and I think that you need strength to confront this problem so I guess you have to pray for strength and not for a miracle .
Again I don't want to offend or disrespect anyone, but this is my point of view. I wish you're find the way to solve this.
Sonhia.

[psalm42v5]

Yes, you're absolutley right Sonhia. He shouldn't be leading people when he has some things so wrong. And yes, I need to pray for strength! And wisdom to know how to deal with this. One thing i can't do is make my husband change in these areas and thats the frustrating thing. I know how things should be but i can only do my part, not his.

You're not offensive at all. I hope this doesnt put you off discovering Jesus for yourself. Jesus is the perfect loving man :0)

[Raymond]

Sonhia you are quite right. God has his part to do and we have our part to do. It starts with faith in christ and giving your life to him. He will then receive us as he has promised. He has already paid the price for the barrier of sin to be removed between us and God.

The thing is although Christ comes into your spirit and saves you it sometimes takes time for the soul area (mind emotions will) to be restored. When you get saved your body is the same and your soul is the same although you have been born again in your spirit.

This is why christians still have problems and need to avail themselves of the new life in their spirits to be able to overcome. The power is there if you want it but sometimes we hold onto the old ways.

Sonhia is right about the church. Your husband should step down from being an elder. It is disgraceful really and brings into disrepute the church of God. I think you should you should really make a stand over this porn and let him know how you feel. This doesn't have to be militant but he should know without doubt what it is doing to you.

Raymond

[Sonhia]

Psalm42v5;

I do understand that maybe you don't want to confront you're husband because you think that this might break the marriage, but think that if for some reason you're church finds out what is gonna happen? are you ready to confront this is you're husband ready for this? I don't want to sound like you have to hide this from you're church but maybe you're husband needs to get help outside the church and when he is ready he needs to confess to the church what he did, you really need to tell him what he might loose if somebody finds out about this, there is always somebody who wants to break a christian life believe me I have seen it.
And thank you Raymond for you're explanation, I hope I mistaking but I can see that been a christian is very difficult they have to be very strong people because most of them are tested and I am not very good at tests
even in school I wasn't very good at tests but that is another story.
Best wishes.
Sonhia

[Raymond]

Dear Sonhia, your advice is very good concerning psalm 42:5 situation.

However concerning Christianity I think you are seeing it in a false negativity and dwelling on tests rather than the peace and joy which comes from God. Didn't Jesus say "Come unto me you who labour and are weary and I will give you rest" or "My peace I give unto you" or "I have come that you may have life and that more abundantly". To say nothing of the joy of being a christian. It is not a depressing walk. I did have depression before I was a christian but God brings healing from it. For me there is no other way to go. Did not Jesus say I am the way the truth and the life. Nobody comes to the Father unless he comes through me. Read it all for yourself in the new testament.

Any tests are all in ourselves because of leftover negativity that challenge the love that God puts in us or anything else that God is doing in us. It is a test for me sometimes to keep loving certain people, but I don't want to fail the test because this is how I grow and overcome the negativity within me. The tests are all part of growing up into God not something negative that God puts on you. We are told to rejoice and also that the joy of the Lord is our strength.

Christians have problems because of weakness but God always has the answers. Concerning pornography Jesus said if any many looks at a woman to lust after he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If the husband seriously took heed of Jesus words in this matter his plan of action would be obvious.

Psalm 42 Sonhia is right you seriously need to confront your husband on this and not let it drop. You are the only person who knows it and must make a noise about it to get through on it. There is something seriously wrong here.

Raymond

[psalm42v5]

Thanks once again for your responses. Raymond is right, i couldn't have got through all this testing without the Lord. He's the one steady constant all through my life. I couldn't live without Him.
I'm not so much worried about the marriage falling apart because i don't think this will happen anyway. I am more worried about the fall out at church should it need to go that far. I've already been responsible for him pulling out of church once, i don't want to be the person to do that again. I think i'll feel responsible even if its not really my fault.
I can't seem to get to talk to him at all. If i finally do confront him as i have done in the past, what normally happens is he'll stop for a while. But things rarely improve as far as the relationship goes. I guess we need some counselling or something but its so hard to go that step for some reason.

[Raymond]

It's not you it's his fault this time if anything happens. I'd let God have His way and not try and manipulate the circumstances. I can't see that any power will get through while he is doing this. He cannot be very effective in his spiritual role.

If you can't get through to him let God have His way and deal with him. Pray that He will. God chastises those He loves and your husband certainly needs it just now. It is a kind of mental adultery. I don't think you can put off living this lie forever. If he doesn't deal with it it might be worse later on. We have to do our bit if we can and God will do His bit.

Raymond

[Sonhia]

Dear Psalm42v5:

I was wondering is there someone in the church or somebody outside the church that maybe you could trust because with time some addictions get bigger and this for me is an addiction and it makes me sad to know somebody that can loose his or her christianity because for me this is evil winning over good and even this is about you're and his christian life this also concerns you're marriage and you as a woman. In the day of my wedding my grandpa told me something that I would never forget "That the shadow of the women was the comfort of her husband " and it was up to me for him to be in the right direction and know how to do it so don't give up, keep confronting him don't let this get more bigger save him even if he is not asking for help.
About what you're explanation of been a christian Raymond I understand all that the joy,peace and happiness of been a christian but you see if I am saying about been tested is because I have seen it who do you think will put you temptations in front of you, who will be more interested in braking a christian life? I don't want to sound all panic but you know this is true and it makes me mad to see a christian life been broken.
About me yes I accepted Jesus in my life when I was in high school whenever I can I thank God for putting me in that high school is a christian and I learn in there a lot of things but I'll be honest I don't go to church is something that I can't do have try but can't, I read the bible I do pray and give thanks every morning for my childrens and for the one more day to live but don't ask me to go to church because I don't have faith in the church I am sorry,can't do it but I do respect everybody who goes and I don't want somebody to loose this is sad .
Best wishes.

[Raymond]

Sonhia you give good advice. I knew there was something more about you from the way you spoke. Psalm 42's (funny way to address someone) husband has brought this test on himself and his wife through allowing lust to get the upper hand. God doesn't tempt anyone.

I think you ought to meet with others as you are part of the church of God/Christ. The church is the people, living stones, not the building or organisation. There are churches and churches. If you find one where people honour christ and love each other you will be comfortable. I think you can only grow so far on your own. We are all the bride of christ together if we have received Him. You must know these things if you read the bible.