Loveless Marriage

[Baroni]

My name is Tony and I'm 41 years of age I've been married for 13 years and have a 10 year old son. We live in a nice house and have all the material things that most people aspire to, we're not rich by any stretch of the imagination and god knows finances are a monthly struggle as I'm sure they are with most people. So here I am being torn apart and feeling totally miserable because my wife is not happy in our marriage. She says that she hasn't been happy for many years and that I have been oblivious to it which I fully accept. But I'm not a mind reader and she fully accepts that she never told me what the problem was it was aways that she was just tired, and so the barriers went up and communication ceased. My wife became very distant towards me about 10 months ago and our affection and intimacy died. Since my wife told me that the reason is that she has pushed me so far away that she doesn't think she can regain any love for me I decided I wouldn't give in and that I would save our marriage. I have changed beyond recognition I communicate more and provide affection but nothing I say or do is changing the way my wife feels. She now wants a trial seperation in the hope that some how absense will make the heart grow stronger. Has anyone had a successful trial seperation ? or is it as I suspect the prelude to a permanent seperation. I'm finding it difficult to understand how anyone can throw away a twenty year relationship and condemn a son to the heartache of seeing his parents split without justifiable reason. My wife is a good and caring person and she is hurting because she knows that she is breaking my heart. I'm not sure if this site will provide more questions than answers but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this, any suggestions or advice or even words of comfort would be greatly appreciated. x

[Polly2]

Dear Baroni,

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I am not in a position to offer you any proper advice as my problems are completely different but I can say that I feel you heartache as I am torn with seperation at the moment- but my seperation is under totally different circumstances to yours.

I think that time apart is not always a bad thing you can learn alot and you realise what you miss and what you don't and what you'd like to change. It helps you re -evaluate the situation and see if you are happier apart. If your wife has made her mind up on the seperation I'm afraid there is very little you can do. I would suggest that you back off slightly and be calm, gentle and supportive to her and let her do what she has to do, believe it or not this approach will make her question the seperation more than if you appear to needy or dependent. Show her that if she did go you'd be sad but ok, this shows her that you love her for who she is rather than what she 'does' in the marriage. On a practical note ,you could try dating her again during the seperation period? - I know this has worked for some couples.

I'm not sure if that's helped at all- like I say I'm probably ill qualified to give advice at the moment. Please don't feel alone -I know your pain!

[Baroni]

Dear Beadles01
On the contrary your advice has been invaluable and has in fact lifted my spirits. I have fluctuated between being clingy and desperate to being angry and resentful, neither of which helps it only makes matters worse so what you have said makes perfect sense. I need to maintain my self respect and give her time and space.
I have read your post and have great sympathy with your plight. Your husband has said things to you that seem cruel beyond belief. People like that usually have very little self esteem so let me tell you now that you are a far better person than he is and I guarantee that you are far stronger emotionally than he is, so although it doesn't feel like it YOU have the upper hand and need to find the strength to tell him that you are not prepared to accept being unloved as you deserve to be treated better than that, which quite clearly you do.
Once again thanks for the advice it is good to get a female perspective on things.
keep positive.
Tony

[Polly2]

Dear Baroni,

Had to change name after much beloved family dog died didn’t want to keep writing my namesake!

Thanks for your comments; I’m just trying to take one day at a time at the moment, as are you I guess. My Mum actually read your post and had some thoughts. She said that sometimes women of your wife’s age (I am guessing forties too?) sometimes get disillusioned with their life because they have actually ‘done everything’, they’ve got married, set up home, had a child etc. and they without realising become bored. She said it is important for you to set new goals together.

Are you involved in a church at all? Churches can be really helpful with your kind of situation and people will want to help you. Also if you get involved it can be a great way of sharing something together and can give you a mutual group of friends, other families can also give you son some support too.

My husband and I used to be extremely tight for money too and I know this can be really hard because you can’t afford to go any where to liven things up; lots of fun things become a worry because of the money aspect.

Still I would keep with the advice I gave you yesterday- do keep your self respect and keep calm. My Mum also said that somewhere along the line it sounds like she has lost respect for you and here you have the opportunity to show her your calm side. It also doesn’t hurt to let her know you can hold your own! Are in the UK? Because there are some good counselling services this is the cheapest I found http://www.marriagecare.org.uk/ they ask for a donation of £20 but of course if your else where i can’t advise.

Keep going and go and have some fun with your son!

Polly

[Baroni]

Dear Polly
thanks again for the messages. I broke the news to my mum this evening about our marriage problems. This has made me feel sad as more people are being hurt. Telling my son if and when we do will be heartbreaking but I'm trying to think positive as this may turn out to be a new beginning in the marriage rather than the end. We don't belong to the church although my son goes to a church school. Somehow joint participation of anything seems a distant goal at the moment but is certainly something we need to attain if we are to remain together. My wife is 42 and has started the menopause which I'm sure doesn't help matters,as for being bored I think that's known as a midlife crisis, and there's me thinking it was only men who had those. Your mum seems to be very supportive for you which is good to hear. I have read countless web pages and ebooks on marriage in an attempt to find a quick answer to our problems alas there is no quick answer only a long slow journey. Take care Polly and Polly's mum.
Tony

[Raymond]

I think you are giving some of your own answers Baroni about not being too clingy and giving your wife space. When you do that you will see more clearly what is going on. I see this quite a lot on here. One of the big problems is when people put everything on what they feel. I don't feel I love you anymore etc. Really a marriage goes beyond feelings. Where there is a commitment the right feelings follow. The other way round is a helter skelter. Provided there are no other big problems as there are in some marriages she should be able to come through this with a bit of care. Women don't give up marriage lightly.

I have seen trial seperations work where the other partner has come to see what they have and then come back together. Provided there is nobody else, there might be value in it although I would be worried if my wife wanted that. I would ask what is wrong like you.

These things can be worked out. I am not saying to ignore the others feelings. What I am saying is that feelings should follow not drive. If she can get that right I feel a lot of things can be worked out.

Raymond

[val100]

Tony, You come across as an amazing compasionate man.
This is a path that you are going to have to take and take with dignity and calmness.
My advice to you is to tell your wife that you want to fight for your marriage that you wish to spend the rest of your life with her but if she really has no ore love for you than you cannot force her to love you and that much and all as it hurts you will do as she asks after you two have attended some form of counselling even if that counsellings ends up only helping you seperate. Chances are your wife does love yyou she is just lost in the mundaneness that life brings.
A friend, Female who has seperated may be able to help. Sometimes we think the grass is greener but really it is just new grass but it isn't anything as good as what we know.
You are in my thoughts

[Baroni]

Thanks for your replies Raymond and Val I guess all who enter this forum are looking for advice, empathy and compassion. When you post on a forum (a first for me) and you receive that advice, empathy and compassion from total strangers then you tend to have compassion for their plight too. I'm finding this forum lifts my spirit as it allows me to think rationally, something I've been unable to do during emotional conversations with my wife. Her parents are putting emotional pressure on her now which only serves to push her further away as I now know, so I guess I will have to temper their frustrations as well if I'm going to have any chance of repairing this marriage. I've suggested she visits her friend in Ireland for a few days which she seems to be up for, I guess that will constitute the beginning of our trial seperation after which I will be going to stay at my mum's. Can't help but feel bitter at the thought of being the one that gives up all home comforts and seeing my son every day. I'd love to give her a deadline on which to make a decision as I feel in Limbo at the moment but I know that's impossible. Anyway I need my nightly dose of broken sleep lol so thanks again to you all for lifting my spirits. Maybe one day I can repay the compliment.
Regards Tony (Baroni was just a nickname at school,a time when life had no emotional hangups except for the occasional spot)

[spiderman]

Why should you move out Baroni...shes not happy let her move out.....why should you give up your house etc....let her walk away mate !

Spidy !

[Baroni]

Day one of our trial seperation.
Had a good weekend my son had his birthday party and he invited one of his friends for a sleepover. We went to his parents house to collect some overnight things and were invited in by his parents who are good friends. We ended up having a BBQ and a few drinks and my wife was reminiscing with them about our married life, it seemed surreal but made me think she may be having second thoughts about our trial seperation. We returned the favour the next day and again had a BBQ and a few drinks, this time at our house, again the reminiscing began and again I was lulled into a false sense of security as this morning I packed my suitcase and headed to my mums house. I kept thinking that any minute she will tell me to stop packing and that she loved me and that this was all a big mistake, unfortunately that didn't happen. This is supposed to be a three week seperation enough time to not have to tell our son anything other than I am away on a course. Today has been the longest day of my life, I thought I would start running to keep fit and also start my creative writing course which I have had for years, unfortunately I haven't had the motivation to do either and so I fear that these three weeks will be hell on earth. I also fear that my resentment will grow with each passing day and so I am finding it hard to remain positive. Am I being unfair in hoping that my wife is feeling as lonely and miserable as I am ?

[1aokgal]

When one moves out the other one can sue them for divorce here in the states charging desertion and irreconcileable differences. When the door slams behind you she then is the one who has the grievance. Sorry, Tony, I think you are being played big time.

Surely, you do not buy into the concept that to live apart means the marriage is going to get back together and work out? I think she sees someone else and you are not there and she is setting you up. If it is over, it just is over but I hate to see the lamb led to the slaughter with this pretext. The three week separation is to gain the grounds for divorce. Prepare to dodge a process server or it will be mailed AND served the court notice.

Sorry, I think you got kicked down the pathway by a clever woman. Why did you buy into this story? I'd see a lawyer fast because when you left you got the ball rolling. She has gotten advise. This was devious indeed.
Good luck......bad to be played and I am sorry for you.

[Baroni]

I'm afraid you are wrong 1okgal. This is a genuine attempt to save our marriage and I won't be receiving any divorce letter. My wife is not a bad person but she obviously has lost the love she once had for me. Hopefully this break will help her realise that we can make a go of things and start again.

[Laura3169]

Hi Baroni.
This is the first thing i've ever wrote but I feel I have to comment.
I have just read your thread and it is a very similar situation to mine. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and been together for 10. We have no biological children but we adopted his sister 2 years ago. Roughly 3 weeks ago he sat me down and basically said he wasn't happy any more and hasn't been for months. As like you I didn't notice anything, we have a great realationship etc etc. I been through every emotion, hate, guilt, sorrow, desperation - I am trying to find a reason why?? We are going on holiday on saturday (couldn't cancel) and when we return we have decided to separate for a while. We still care a lot of each other and are very much still close/best friends. Sorry to waffle, anyway I have come to agree that a separation is for the best, I am constatly looking at the past whereas I should be looking at the future. I, like yourself am clinging onto a bit of hope that he will have me back - that would be wonderful if that happens, but I have to also think about starting a new life. It will be hard, but fingers crossed if it doesn't work out we will still remain best friends. As per 1okgal ignore what he says, there doesn't always have to be a third party involved and your wife sounds like she cares a lot for you and this break may be just what you both need. I am clinging onto the hope abcense makes the heart grow fonder, if not it will be a rough road, but it will get better!

Laura

[AnnieP]

Hi Baroni, Hi Laura
I am so sorry to hear of your troubles.
I haven't been on this website for a very long time, but it helped me last summer when I was most in need, and here I am again.
In a nutshell, I have been married for 18 years. This time last year my husband told me he was unhappy (I had no idea). He told me apparently, I just never listened. I went through anger, guilt, humiliation, disbelief, you name it. Then I found out he was having an affair. This ended, but he was left devastated by what he had done.

He decided he needed to move out to "sort himself out". He went for 3 months, then came back. Nothing had changed. He was still unsure of what he wanted. He left again in January after a particularly nasty incident and was away for another month. Then came home again. Nothing has changed. He is leaving again this coming weekend. I am not having him back again unless he KNOWS what he wants.

The reason I am telling you all this, is that I truly believed that giving him the space he needed was going to be the answer. But it wasn't, because he hasn't ever faced his problems and dealt with them. Each time he went away, it was to run away, rather than to sort himself out.
I still love him, and STILL want our marriage to work, but I truly do not want to carry on like this. Living in limbo is awful.
My advice is to let them go, by all means, if that is what they want to do, you have to let them go, BUT do not have them back unless they give you an absolute commitment to making things better.
I have been a doormat because I thought it would help him. I put him first, because I love him. I now know that this hasn't helped in the slightest, all I know is that I feel I have done everything in my power to accomodate what he wanted and it hasn't helped solve our problems.

Be strong, give them the space they want, BUT make sure when and if they come back they are totally comitted to sorting things out.

Best wishes to you.

[Laura3169]

Thanks AnnieP for your kind words. It is still very early days for us and I don't want to agree with you but deep down I know I should (classic denial hey!) I've asked my husband what he wants and he doesn't know and i've warned him that he is taking a massive risk when he is unsure. I am worried that like your situation we get back together and then it happens again, so I will be strong and I hope Baroni you can be too and if need be let them go and one day be happy without them, can't picture it now but fingers crossed it will happen.

[AnnieP]

Laura, I cannot imagine being happy right now either, but believe me: although I was unhappy when he left, I have not been happy living with him after his return either. His indecision is crucifying me. It is demoralising and makes me feel completely rejected. Putting up on a daily basis with his lack of love and commitment, constantly asking myself what I need to do to regain his love and walking on eggshells has made me ill. I have lost 3 stone in weight through worry and anguish. My confidence in myself has taken such a huge bashing and having daily reminders of his constant rejection and lack of love is the pits. My friends have been wonderful, but I honestly don't know why they have put up with my constant soul searching and misery.
When he went last time, after a month or so I gained inner peace and strength. I felt more in control. I just wish he hadn't come back undecided, as it just put me straight back on that rollercoaster again.
Laura, I do not want him to go, but I know he has to. The idea of starting all over again is petrifying, but other people can do it, so I must be able to as well. Hey, if he sorts himself out and comes home with love in his heart, then wonderful. If he doesn't, then it is not my fault and I will have to cope. You will too, I am sure.
Best wishes
xxx

[Baroni]

Hi Annie and Laura
Thanks for your words . My wife had been unhappy for years apparently and like you she said that she had dropped hints but I hadn't picked up on them (whats wrong with actually saying how you feel instead of assuming we are mind readers). In my view whatever the problems have been we can sort them out now that I am aware of them, but she keeps on about the past and is unable to see the future. Is this enough reason to end a 19 year relationship 13 of which married and condemn a 10 year old to the pain of seeing his parents split up, I cannot get my head around it to tell you the truth it all seems surreal at the moment I just hope this trial seperation helps her see what she has and realise that no one can make her happy except herself, therefore seperation in my opinion will not solve her unhappiness only make it worse, I regret that she may end up finding this out too late, however I'm not giving up without a fight and I have to try to remain optimistic if only for my own sanity. x

[AnnieP]

baroni, I really hope your wife sees this once she has gone. I agree about the lack of sense to it all. I find it impossible to comprehend how he can throw it all away (22 years). He just says it is too late to salvage anything. He is depressed and suffering without a doubt from a mid life crisis (he was 40 last year). The only thing we can do is sit it out and wait. Retain your dignity and self esteem. It is not about you, it is about their problems. Fingers crossed the space will help them to see things more clearly. In the meantime, be strong and keep posting.

[Laura3169]

Hi Baroni & Annie, I know exactly where you are coming from Baroni. Only last night I was saying to my husband how on earth can you giving everything up and loose everyone (which he will as we only have my family) make you happy, I too can't believe and understand why he would do that. We would loose our home, we would rip apart a childs life - for what!! I told him that I feel like giving him a good shake and tell him to snap out of it, but I can't make someone love me and like Annie it is a case of trying to be strong and realistic and to only take them back if they want to do it. Fingers crossed they will both realise the grass isn't greener on the other side and realise what they have got and nearly lost. But all I can say is you fight, but also prepare yourself as it will be a harder fall if you don't.
Annie, you have taken the first step to moving on. I can sympathise with you as it is the worst feeling in the world but hopefully it will get better, just remember you've done nothing wrong. It is a very long dark tunnel but there is light at the end of it xx

[Baroni]

I have great sympathy with you both. now I understand that it isn't just women who become distant and cold to their partners. Although I'm no Brad Pitt I am a slim and attractive guy and yet I feel unlovable due to the lack of affection and intimacy I have experienced over the last 9 months or so. My self confidence is taking a bashing from the constant feelings of rejection but it feels good to post on this forum as people share your pain and make you realise that you aren't alone. x

[Laura3169]

Thanks baroni, you just keep your head held high and look after yourself. Keep us posted about how things are getting on.

You never know after all of this you and Annie could hook up hahaha xx

[Raymond]

I really hope it works out for you Baroni and that this seperation produces fruit and is not just a running away excercise as Annie described. Obviously the problem started a long time ago when she did not share with you how she felt at the point when maybe you could have done something about it. I have hope that the marriage can be even better now because of what you have learned provided she goes forward in it. It is sad to see this happen when all it needs is a commitment to the marriage and a will to work through any problems. People can adjust. Feelings can go up and down but with commitment and the honouring of the marriage vows the feelings will follow not lead. There is no real basis for any seperation as far as I can see, except to think things through. Come through this and your marriage will be stronger than ever. You are doing really well not to get resentful but she has to find her feet again.

Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking our spouse should meet all our needs. True they should meet our sexual and intimate needs etc. but some needs should be met just in our lives in what we do and create. Not always the spouses responsibility.

Raymond

[Baroni]

Thanks for the words Raymond. A commitment to try to save our marriage is all I ask of her and yes I believe our marriage will be better afterwards for the reasons you give. I obviously didn't show her how much I loved her and it has taken this to make me realise how much I do love her. She now knows this as I have proven beyond doubt over the last 9 months but she says she has distanced herself from me to such an extent that she doesn't know how to reconnect or indeed if we can reconnect. This trial seperation is her way of finding out whether absense does indeed make the heart grow stronger, but surely you need to have a will and commitment in order for it to work ?
Rgds Tony

[AnnieP]

Baroni, you have hit the nail on the head with your very last sentence. That is the crux of the matter. Hopefully her going away will give her the insight that she DOES want the marriage to work. However, you must give her the time and space to miss you. Lots. When my husband went last summer, I had to keep in touch with him over financial and medical stuff and it was, I think, really a wasted opportunity, as we were apart, but still communicating too much. He never got enough space from me to really be able to assess what he would be losing. Thus he came home still undecided. That was a mistake. He should have stayed away, as here we are again.... when (and if) he leaves this weekend it is going to be very different. I am going to set very strong ground rules with myself about contacting him. I spent nearly all of last summer waiting around the phone, MSN etc. It was not good for me, and just reinforced in him my "neediness", which is not attractive, nor helpful for your self esteem! Let her know you love her, let her know that you want the marriage to work, and then let her get on with it.
It sounds easier than it really is, but trust me, you don't want to be where I am a year down the line.
Good luck.

[Baroni]

Dear Annie
You're right to make ground rules and please stick to them so that he realises he cannot walk in and out of your life when he feels like it as you don't deserve to be left in limbo. Obviously your problems have been going on a lot longer than mine so our circumstances are different, I'm only three days into a supposed 3 week trial seperation and it already seems like an eternity it may be better when I'm back at work. however any longer than three weeks and we will have to break the news to my son which I'm truly hoping to avoid. We made the decision not to txt or phone each other but I'm sitting here wondering if she's thinking "I wish he'd phone" (mad isn't it). She is off to Ireland on Saturday until Wed, so at least I can get home for a few days. Keep strong Annie.
Regards Baroni

[sennen]

Hello just read your first post ,sounds very similar to the situation i was in ,i can tell you that seperation isnt always the freedom everyone thinks ,at first there is a feeling of relief like a weight lifted that certainly happened to me, but after a few months ht eguilt sets in and you think what have i done ,

My wife and i are in our 40,s i,m now 49 and she 44 ,five years ago she went to uni i was worried at the time becouse she had become more and more career minded and started going out with work more and more ,at uni she met someone who i found out about in 2004 i forgave her for it but said please dont do this again ,6 months later it was still going on.

I,m not saying your wife is seeing someone ,but i have lernt communication is the key i always thought we had a good life but people change ,i always trusted her she was and is to me my best friend it just hurt so much but worse was to come,in the summer of 2006 i suspected she was seeing someone again i waited 5 months before i said something to her and she admitted it again ,it was the same person may have been going on all the time, i wa scompletly crushed as a person i went into myself and built a wall ( not like me at all ) we went to 8 months of counciling to which i found out " its been bad for years " i coudnt believe it .

What i,m trying to say my friend is that when you think everything is cosy and nice and life is good theres always the chance that someone will poil it all ,my wife met, to her, far more interesting people than me, who worked did the shopping cooked dinner ,organised family holidays etc etc.

I hoped things would change but due to my shock my wife closed off i was told to forget and move on ,all well and good but this had happened three times in two years.

Until the begining of this year when i felt as though the whole family was breaking down my eldest son was kicking off i suppose he could feel the bad vibe,so eventually back to where i started seperation , i never asked for this to happen but it did ,its now taken me two months to make me realise what i had a lovely home great boys and friends ,but no afection within the marraige ,

The change now is i have met someone shes lovely ,but not my wife and family i now have a huge choice to make finish with someone i,ve waited for or finish and hope my wife has me back / but if its back to the same ?

I know i dealt with things very badly but thats how it was i have learnt so much temteation is out there the problem for me is once trust is broken its very haard to get it back

Take care

Phil

[Laura3169]

Hi guys just catching up on what went on yesterday. Your words all are very helpful at the moment. As mentioned in an earlier thread we are going on holiday on saturday, yesterday he announced he is not going. My first reaction is I am not going either and you can explain to our 10 year old why not! We were planning to spend some time apart after the holiday and I suppose deep down I thought we wouldn't go through with it as some sun will do us a world of good (that horrible denial again). Everyone is telling me to go, I do really want to go but then my stomach turns at the thought of going alone. There is a group of us going, so maybe it won't be that bad or will I ruin it for them??

[Baroni]

100% Laura you have to go. Especially as it is a group of you going, by not going you are allowing him to continue believing that he has the upper hand, you need to gain control and this is the perfect opportunity. You will undoubtedly feel low at some points during the holiday but far fewer than if you stay at home. Going on holiday alone is indeed daunting, however you are not going alone are you. If your husband went with you would you have a good time? or during an otherwise relaxed evening in which everything seems fine, would he bring you crashing back to earth with some hurtful comment ? go for it. You most certainly will not ruin it for them either, they will provide you with the stimulating adult conversation you will need, maybe over a few glasses of wine (lucky you) p.s. where are you off to somewhere nice and warm I hope ?
Best Regards Baroni x

[Baroni]

Well I'm back home for 4 days while my wife and son are in Ireland visiting her friend who has recently split from her husband and moved back there from England (beginning to wonder if this was a good idea). I must say that having my home back again feels nice but the loneliness is still raw. My neighbour has invited me in for a curry and some beers tonight, they are of the opinion that I have been away on a training course so I guess I will have to keep up the story, not sure how good a company I will be but I guess it beats moping about on my own.

[Baroni]

Back at my mums house for hopefully the final 3 days of exile before returning to wife and son. Can't wait to see my son after 12 days, not sure what my reaction will be when I see my wife or indeed what her reaction will be. True to her word we haven't spoken during this trial seperation which although I agreed to seems somewhat immature, then I guess this is all new to me so I don't know what the etiquette is. I can honestly say that these two weeks have been horrendous, lonely, boring and miserable. I'm not sure what if anything they will achieve but for my son's sake at least I can say I tried everything I could to save our marriage and keep our family together. I'm not saying it is over yet but I'm feeling more and more pessimistic as each day goes by, whatever it is that is going on in my wife's mind seems unpenetrable as she seems not to want to listen to reason. If we do stay together will our relationship ever be the same again ? Oh well enough speculating I suppose I will find out on Friday (maybe).
Hope you are all coping
Baroni X

[AnnieP]

Good Luck Baroni. Try to sit tight and not jump in there. Let her lead the way and err on the side of caution.
will be thinking of you.

[Baroni]

My wife txt last night to ask if my son could phone me, I said yes and that I was coming home tomorrow. She replied that she thought we had agreed three weeks, but how can I not see my son for three weeks, she was obviously angry. She txt to ask if I wanted to talk, which we did on the phone. She had told my son that I was coming home tomorrow and he was excited. I asked her if she had thought about our marriage during the last two weeks and she said yes but had assumed that it would be a three week break and had been busy with other things. She said she just does not have any feelings for me any more. I fear that there is no hope of a happy ending, and this morning, after a sleepless night, I feel more desolate than I have felt in my life. I will try and follow the advice of Raymond and suggest that we try to remain together and that hopefully feelings will return. The heartache for us all and especially my son, along with the financial prospect of a marital breakup and having to start again at the age of 41 is it seems secondary to the way she feels. How can she possibly think that she would be happier after that???
Baroni

[AnnieP]

Baroni
So sorry to hear this. Its the pits. Hearing that your partner feels nothing is just the worst thing in the world. I know exactly how you feel. i have been hearing it for over a year now. I too am 40 and we have been together, happily, for 22 years.
You have to stay strong. I was a wreck when this first happened to me, crying, pleading, cajoling and trying to persuade him he was wrong. Ultimately, it did no good and I just lost all of my dignity and self respect. The way I acted with him was not attractive at all, and was never going to get him back. who wants a clingy, pathetic, needy partner?
When he moved out (the first time), I crawled out from under my stone and tried to be positive. I got in touch with friends again and started living for me. He CHOSE to move out, I had to accept and get on with it.
I still know he has made the wrong decision, but I am the last person he will hear it from, as in his eyes, I am the cause of all his misery. Your wife will be focussing all her unhappiness on you too. if you present as being needy, or pushy, she will throw it right back in your face.
I know this is really hard, but let her get on with it. She has to go through this process and you have to be strong enough to stand back and let her see it from a distance. Hopefully she will see it is good and be willing to try again.
And as regards what they are throwing away, don't go there. It doesn't seem to figure in their crisis.... My husband has thrown away a dream lifestyle and all of his responsibilities. I hope he is happy alone. I am far from happy at present, but I bloomng well intend to be, and soon. I thought his crisis was my problem, but it truly isn't. I cannot do anything to help him. so be it. I am here if, and when, he wants to re-engage. In the meantime, make plans Baroni. Be strong.

[ken94]

Baroni,

You have to hold back a bit. As AnnieP said: "Try to sit tight and not jump in there."
You should have respected the deal. That is holding back.
Did you read some books about "I love you but I am not in love with you"? Maybe that can help.
I realize in my relationship that I didn't pay attention enough to her needs and that we had no independence between each other as well as no fun together. Maybe trying to built this back ? And making projects together. A trip you 2 were you spoil her (n the long run) ?

But for now you have to hold and make sure she get a bit of independence and you too.
Keep hope but don't be needy and don't expect from her.

Be strong and nice and it should pay off.

[Raymond]

Baroni's situation is a bit different. He is not jumping in. That is his home and he needs to see his children. It seems as if your wife was busy Baroni and not using the time. Maybe she doesn't know how to use it even if she had another week.

Obviously she needs space but you can respect that even while there. It is healthy to be with your children. I think it can be worked out if there is commitment and practical love and consideration, although that takes two and not just one. As I said right feelings will follow right decisions and looking at your feelings alone will not produce a wise answer in my view. I think you just need to work on your marriage and are both in a good place to start now together, but she has to know that as well.

Raymond

[AnnieP]

I agree totally with Raymond, but she has to want to work on it too. My husband came back twice (for 2 months, then 6), as he hadn't made up his mind, and he thought it would be easier financially and practically to be home rather than somewhere else. However, as I said, he hadn't made up his mind as to whether to work on our marriage, and wasn't prepared to work on our marriage whilst he was still deciding. This led to huge frustration and upset on my part, and he felt pressured into making a decision or doing things that he didn't want to. It exascerbated our situation. He withdrew completely and stopped communicating with me. It was awful.
Baroni, please don't let her do this to you. Living in that atmosphere is awful. It will be awful for your son too. Allow her to decide she wants to make a go of it. She will respect you for giving her the space. Once she has decided, you can both forge ahead together.

Good luck and keep posting. We are all here for you.

[Bronte]

Have been reading this thread and it has been a real eye opener for me.

I'm afraid that I was in the position that your wife is in, or I was the one who acted like her. My marriage broke down 15 months ago when I told my ex that I no longer loved him. Although I insisted that I had told him that I was unhappy and feeling unloved, he would have to have been a mind reader to pick up on the tiny hints that I gave. The problem was that I cared about him, but wasn't in love with him.
I said that I wanted to try a seperation, (I meant I want you to leave but I don't like hurting you so I can't say it outright) I said that I would try to make it right, that I needed space to think (what I meant was leave me alone) and so on.
I should have been blunt and honest - in the end the "decision" took months when it could have taken hours, I strung it out for my ex which was unkind and I can see that now looking back.
It sound to me like your wife is doing the same thing. It's not easy to end a relationship, but she needs to be honest with you. You need to ask the question - does she WANT it to work, will she try to make it work and does she love you. Tell her her answer can only be yes or no.

[Raymond]

If you are right Bronte it seems pretty ominous. I hope it is not the case Baroni but Bronte has highlighted the fact that your wife needs to be honest and not string you along if her mind is already made up. I really do hope you can save it. It's what in her mind that counts at the moment.

Raymond

[Baroni]

I came home on Friday to a long hug (meaningless I'm afraid). My wife asked me how the two weeks went and I told her the truth which was that it was hell on earth etc etc. I asked her if she had any thoughts on our marriage and where do we go from here ? She said "we start again", "I've got to". The weekend was good and it was as if nothing was wrong. That evening I asked her if her heart was really in it? she replied that she felt that she had to give our marriage a go not that she wanted to give it a go. How can that possibly work? do I continue trying to be more caring, understanding, and communicative when I'm getting nothing in return?. Bronte's words make me fear the worst. I have asked those very questions that you mention on numerous occasions "does she want us to stay together". The answers ranged from "yes" to "don't know if we can". I guess I will carry on trying until the fat lady sings (I will retain my dignity I promise). However in my mind if we do seperate and condemn my son to the heartache and anguish of a broken home based purely on her reasons then that is unforgivable.
Thanks again for all your words and advice.
Regards Baroni

[AnnieP]

HI Baroni.
Sorry to hear that you are still feeling far from comfortable with your situation and your wife's stance.
I know just how you feel. Walking on eggshells waiting for the bomb to drop is not nice.
All I can do is say I understand why you need to give her the chance. It is because you love her and believe in marriage. Good for you!
It took my husband a year to have the courage to finally go and say "that is it". No doubt he could have done it at the beginning, but to be honest, it would have killed me if I thought he had just walked away without trying. This last year for me has been the worst of my life, but I have had time to work out my feelings and make plans, even though I wish things could have been different. You too will gain in strength as time passes. She needs to see you being strong and determined and confident about what you want. Try to give her space and not question her now. Just accept that she will have to make the decision at some stage. You just concentrate on yourself and your son. Her feelings are entirely up to her.

[ukbikerman]

I am gutted for you Baroni, I have just followed the thread all the way through, from you being sad but optimistic to the current situation.

Bronte, I am afraid, has summed it up. I do not believe that trial separations work very often, all it is doing is postponing the inevitable.

Best wishes for the future

[Baroni]

Things are ok at the moment. Once again I asked her if she really wanted to start again and make a go of our marriage and she said yes she did, it seemed like a half hearted "yes" but it was a "yes" none the less. I guess it is now down to time and communication. as she said it is going to take time to heal and reconnect which I guess is true but it brings me back to the problem where there is no affection or intimacy it feels more like a housemate than a wife. Do I suggest counselling or do I let sleeping dogs lie for the time being ?

[cfcboy]

Hi Baroni

I have just read you thread with great interest. I found myself in the very same position 2 years ago and after nearly 20 years of being together it was hard to deal with. I had supected for some time that my wife did have the same feelings for me but did not want to bring it in the open as I feared what it may do. We had many discussions as to why it had occured and what could we try and do to change it. The problem is that when it is out in the open you then question everything that you did and everything that you do. You cannot really trust anything any longer.

When a relationship is based on love and then the base is removed, it is then built on sand and could collapse at any time. We tried for a year, but last we started divorce proceedings only to stop at the last minute. I still love my wife very much, but she does not feel the same way about me. We have just returned from our holiday with our 3 children and although it was a good holiday, emotionally it was empty.

There comes a time, no matter how you feel, where loving someone is more painful than letting them go. You put so much in and get nothing back, there is no greater pain than being constantly rejected especially when you work even harder than usual to make it right.

I have to consider my children as well and over the last two years I have conclude that is is better for them to live in a happy atmosphere than the one they do today. It has been a long and painful road to walk, but I have now decided for my own sanity, self respect and health that is must end.

Please do not torture yourself about what you could have done. Above all, be true to yourself and in the end you will find someone that will make you happy and you will wonder why you were in such torment for so long.

I am in the exact same position but already feel better for taking a positive step.

Good Luck.

[AnnieP]

There comes a time, no matter how you feel, where loving someone is more painful than letting them go. You put so much in and get nothing back, there is no greater pain than being constantly rejected especially when you work even harder than usual to make it right.
cfcboy. That is So true. You have hit the nail on the head for me. It sums up exactly where I am now.

[Baroni]

To all those who remember my thread, Annie, Raymond etc. I thought I'd update you all. Everything is going well now, we are talking and doing lots of things together and as a family. I am optimistic that our marriage is now on a better footing and I feel much less vulnerable and more positive. I have to say that the one thing missing in my life is intimacy, I don't know if women realise how much men need to feel desired. I have given my wife the time and space that she needed but need to know that this will not remain a celibate marriage forever (something I have made clear that i am not prepared to accept) She has arranged one to one counselling which i hope will help. I would like her to try HRT as she is starting the menopause, but she is very reluctant to do so and it is her body after all I guess. I hope that the one thing that is still missing in our marriage will return soon and then I will have a happy tale to tell on this forum. Thanks for everyone who offered advice and sympathy during my dark hours, hopefully you can all see light at the end of the tunnel too.
Baroni x