I don't know what to do

[ashyah]

I have been separated from my husband of 23 years for two and a half years now.
During all this time he has not said a word about our relationship. I see him all the time at our daughters house. He isn't mean he just acts like I was never there.
During the time that we lived together he touched me first every 6 months then it went to every four years. In between that there was no show of affection at all. There were times that I had to ask him to be intimate. His response would be ok I am a man.
He would start sleeping in a different room for any reason like any disagreements. When our daughter got married and moved out he moved into her bedroom. One day I entered and he got mad and told me that I had to knock before entering.
He started spending a lot of time in the garage. Only came into the house to sleep. Started not wanting my cooking which I bought the food.
Since I left him I have been self sufficient. Don't ask him for anything as he has never held down a real job. He has since moved in with a friend. This friend he would spend every evening at his house. An older gentleman.

I have come to the point where I still love him but, it is not a desperate love. I could take it or leave it.

I have gone through feelings of guilt. At this time I am thinking that divorce is in our future. My husband will never ask for one just like everything else in the marriage. I had to make all decisions at home. He consulted with his pastor about everything that he did. He made decisions without me.He cut me off physically, emotionally and financially.

When I think about divorce I get depressed. I feel that I won't be able to handle the final stage. That our daughter which is married would get hurt. That maybe she is still hoping that mom and dad will get back together. Sometimes her husband says that he wishes he could do something that would bring us back together. See my husband is a nice man. He just isn't nice to me. He is there for everyone. He spoils the children even though they are adults he pays for their cell phones.

What do I do? I don't want to do anything that is against God's laws.

In my heart because I lived with his daily rejections I mean he could walk past me day by day and not even acknowledge me.

[1aokgal]

Dear Ashyah......

I am sorry to hear you are so very unhappy and you seek the find answers about your life. You want to do the right thing and you believe in God's laws. You have been separated the last few years and supported youself.

Your daughter has her own house so there are no young children involved in your decisions. Your grown child would respect any decison her mothr makes and she wishes you to be happy.

You really seem like a very fine person with integrity, concern for your child and respect even to the man you married though it sounds like it was always a very troubled marriage. I am surprised to hear you say you still love this man. He did not treat you with respect or love as a man should treat his wife and mother of his child. You were a convenience for sure. He did none of the things a loving man does to honor his wife. I read your post there were problems and you lost your license over this. No help from him, and everything you worked for was lost. That is not right.

He did not act like a man as you say... he never held down a real job. He left the marriage bed to sleep in the other room to "shun" you when things did not go as he wanted. So he was a bully who got his own way. When you think about these things then I wonder who made you feel that was OK that a man could treat you that way? Did you learn a wife is a door mat or just to carry the children? That is not true.

Did you spend 23 years being treated as if you did not matter? You were so often made to feel unwanted as there was little sex/intimacy. In all religious writings from Christians to the Koran there is the duty that a man owes to his wife with his body. Sex is a joy as well as for procreation of children between married people.

I also think there was so little sex in a normal manner in his marriage there seems something not right with the friendship he has with this older man he moved in his house. If he has never held a real job, where does the money come from? Who supports his house and what about this older man? These are questions I have in my mind. Something is really not right.

Your daughter wants you to be happy. You were not happy and would never be happy with the man you are still married to......except that is NO marriage.

Dear Lady, you served your time in Hell. According to my math, you are still a young woman and have half your life ahead of you. Love is nothing like you have lived it. Marriage is not like you have lived it.
Sorry, but your husband Is NOT a nice man. You OWE it to your daughter to be a good example of how to live your life.

Floating around in a black cloud of self pity instead of making yourself a good stable life is not showing any courage or intelligence about God's laws! You deserve to find a man who loves you and values you and sets you at the head of his table. You are not too old and people marry in their 80's today. They spend time together in each others company and they take pride to introduce a woman they care about to their family (and maybe his children.)

Someone is looking for you, praying for you that God will bring him a woman who knows how to love and give her heart for all eternity. You are not listening to what God is telling you in your heart that you must live with joy and be a complete woman. Your daughter should be able to sit with her family at your table and you can celebrate life.

Please do what you need to do to get a divorce and be free to move on in a new life. You will find the best part of your life. It is waiting for you. HE is waiting for you. I urge you to listen......hear the beat of your heart?
You have time to love again.

[Raymond]

Ashyah you have honoured God it seems but he has not. It takes two to tango and you do not have control over that. The marriage was obviously over many years ago from what you describe. A divorce paper will only confirm the obvious. You need to be free now. He obviously doesn't. Trying to save your daughters feelings would be like living a lie. I am sure she would not want that. Better face up to the truth and be open with her.

He may be a reasonable fellow but obviously had a big problem sexually. Maybe he is even Gay reading between the lines and by where he is living now.

He has not honoured you in marriage but has defrauded you totally against scripture. The bible is for regular sex in marriage so long as it's only between the couple. He never kept his vows it seems.

I get the feeling that he has a Gay problem that he couldn't deal with any longer and has reverted to type. I may be wrong, but that could have been the main problem.

Raymond

[ashyah]

Please people help me out I really need your help. I can't afford counseling right now.

In regards to my daughter, I want to protect her so much. But, I am sure that me leaving him was the biggest blow.

One problem that I have is that he is so close to our children. One is from a former marriage of mine . My son is in his 30's and daughter is in her 20's. He provides them with cell phones. And, is there for what ever need they have. They don't understand that I had to provide for myself even when I lived with him. Any bill that had to do with me he chose not to pay but, enjoyed the services.My son lived with us and didn't contribute to household.Anytime we argued over something that he allowed my son to do and I disagreed he would go and start sleeping in a nother room. The last time it was for over a year.

He goes out of his way to please others. At church the families there and this older man that he stays at. To the point of being obsessive.

This man that he stays with is an older man on a pacemaker. I just can't see them as homosexuals. I don't understand their bonding though. I didn't know he had this friend. His church sent him over there to do some repairs and then the friendship started. Anywhere that the man went he took my husband with him. He would sit at this mans house night after night while I was sitting at home crying. Rent wasn't being paid. Gas was shut off. He didn't care. After a year of friendship with this man I found out through friends. That would tell me they say him at a cookout with this old man.Two months after I left my belongings were all still at the house. I was staying at a transitional housing that didn't allow me to take my pets or furniture. He put a couple from his church to live in the house with him. They were using all of my things. They had the run of the house. He kept to his room. We had arguments over these people.Eventually he ended up having them move for not paying rent.He cleaned out my bedroom to make room for them. That was the biggest blow that I received. It was like he had put another woman in the house.As I felt he didn't care about my feelings. I called and wanted to come back home. He said it would be under his terms and that would be that he would still go over to the mans house because the mans daughter wasn't taking care of him. And, that I would have to be a roommate to the people that were at the house.

I don't know why Iam still waiting on him. I believe in prayer and have seen couples come together after years of separation. But, well I just don't feel in my heart that he cares. He has been showing this since the beginning. I have no fond memories.

[Raymond]

I cannot understand what you want Ashyah. It is obvious to me that this man is heartless when it comes to marriage. God will never manipulate people against their will. There has to be something within them to want things to work. I cannot see that here. One cannot use prayer to manipulate another. Prayer is always for others or your own benefit.

I think you are needing honesty here to accept what is before your eyes and move on. Do the right thing and the path will open for you. Your children are now adults and can take care of themselves. It seems like you want to play a big scene before your children instead of just being yourself. Please accept that the marriage is over and you are now free to pursue your life without this terrible nightmare in the background.

Forget the things that are past and press on. That's what the scripture says as well. You have a new start. You can relate to your children in your own way. Don't worry about him. The truth will out in the end. Do you really have any alternative? There is no future with him. That wasn't a marriage. I don't know what sort of church he is involved in but his marriage was miles away from a christian one. You are now free. Use it to build a new life for yourself.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Ashyah...

Face it, you know what to do but are not living in reality. Perhaps you are naiive, but a man with a pacemaker can have sex just fine. The behaviors you describe during the marriage indicate that the man you married may be a bi-sexual man. He even wanted you to live in the house to make others think you were a roomate and not still his wife. What is wrong with you to tolerate this bad behavior?

You are a dreamer........he is where he wants to be with the person he wants to be with. He does not love you. He gives you nothing nor is concerned for your welfare. I think your daughter is tired of being a counselor to her mother. You ask too much of her to ask her what you should do and she just wants you to get yourself stable. That man even moved people in your room. How much abuse to you need to have to use your common sense? That was no marriage.

I would suggest you talk to your doctor about your depression and sit down and plan your divorce so you can be free to find a better life. Do you think he would care if you got sick or needed help.? You can judge the future by the past. He cares nothing for you even when you lost the license you worked so hard to get. I was a Realtor for years. It seems to me you have not recovered from that humiliation.

It is time you use your common sense before you lose the chance to move on in a better life. If you are not happy with your appearance or weight...change it. Time is moving on..the clock is ticking. It sounds as if you are very close to being homeless. I hope you find a good man who cares about you. That man is a liar and somebody who has another life than what he appears. There is no church that would bind you to a man with that history.
Good luck.

[ashyah]

Thanks all for your advise.

I guess it is just hard to believe that he just doesn't care. It hurts when someone just throws you aside and acts like they didn't know you.

If someone came to me and told me what I have been telling you all I would tell them that their partner doesn't love them. That is is up to them how long they should wait but, to not feel obligated to that person . That that person has showed all along that they don't respest them.

I need to put some money together for the lawyer. The free legal help offices have too many cases to take mine. This they told me before. The lawyer gave me the forms and told me since we have no property that I could fill them out myself and file them. I started but, I got so stressed about it that I stopped.

I have just heard so many times that you can't divorce except for infidelity .

[1aokgal]

Dear Ashyah.......

You give good advice. Now take some of your own to heart. I personally think you have a huge case for infidelity with this unnatural "friendship" with this older man. Please re-read your own letter and see the facts in black and white.

You wanted to love him when there has been no behavior on his part to value you as a wife and mother. You have already been apart 21/2 years. He left you..that is desertion. You barely had a sexual marriage as he witheld it and seemed to have his needs met elsewhere. There is your infidelity. He moved on along time ago. The fact is you are not able to move on and are not facing reality. It has been over a long time.

You seem to be a very nice lady and worthy of being loved and sheltered. Get this going as so as you can so that life will not pass you by. You may find a nice man who loves you and have a home and decent life without struggle.

It is more than the right thing to do. Wouldn't you love to be settled in your own home with a good man, happy and invite your daughter and her family over for dinner? Make that happen.
Keep in touch we wish you the best.

[Raymond]

I think the biggest problem you have Ashrah is the rejection. The rejection from a man you have given your life for. A man who appears alright on the outside but who has dishonoured his marriage and you. That must hurt a lot.

It is at these times especially that you have to remember that christ loves you and has given his life for you. That he received rejection so that you could have his acceptance. You are accepted in the beloved. He will never reject you nor leave you or forsake you. Have faith and make a new start. God will heal you of this rejection through his acceptance. That is his word if you are a believer. I was born into rejection as a baby. Rejected into orphanages until aged sixteen. But god loves me (and you). As soon as I asked him in my healing started and my life blossomed. We serve a fantastic God.

I know these things have to be worked out through people as well, but if you get the basics right with God you are able to reach out and love others.

Raymond

[ashyah]

Thank you both for your words of encouragement.

I sure know that without my relationship with God I would not have made it.

I left with with only $700 in monthy income. Now, I am making enough to pay for an apartment and my utilities. I know that God will bringme to the point where I will make enough to save also and buy my own home. God will provide.

As to my husband having a gay relationship with this man I just can't see that. My husband does act like a man does for a woman with this man. Sometimes I will see him at my daughters. He will leave to go check on the man then come back. He is more concerned about this person than he was ever with me. He never tended to me when I was sick. I think maybe he is trying to live his life through this man? This man is sharing what he has with him. Maybe my husband is there because he doesn't have to worry about having a job and having obligations. That is the way I see it. He is taping into what this man has already worked for. That is what I suspect because I was the one that ran the household. And, now he tells people that I was just too bossy and wouldn't listen to him.
This man filed bankruptcy three times during the years. I never approved of it he went ahead and did it.

[Raymond]

These are not your problems any longer Ashrah. Your husband and the man I mean. I know you cannot avoid him because you need to see your children but your future is in a different direction from him. You were abandoned it seems. If you want to be really free you will have to tackle forgiveness of him otherwise it will chain you to the situation for the rest of your life. Besides God cannot forgive us if we don't forgive others and we have been forgiven at the cross.

If you have any good christian friends renew fellowship with them. I recommend you find a good church as well. I mean a good church that lifts up Jesus not a legalistic one if you know what I mean.

Hang onto your job unless you can find a better one. Was the house only rented? You really need to move on from the situation as I think you now realise.

Raymond

[ashyah]

Hi Raymond,

Thanks for your uplifting words.

The house was rented thank God or it would have gone into foreclosure. After I left he couldn't pay so got behind on the rent. Good thing there was no longer a lease. Also, the utilities were shut off. I had mine at new place in my name .

Even though I feel that I shouldn't be thinking about a divorce since he hasn't had an affair that I know of. I also feel that God doesn't want a marriage without intimacy like I had. And, believe me I didn't leave him because of the financial situation. It was because in the end I started asking for the intimacy and he would provide it but, it was like he just complied. I asked him to tell me if he loved me or not he said he wasn't sure either way. And, that he loved me with the love of the Lord.

That is why I left. That constant everyday quiet non chalant way of telling me that I wasn't a part of his life.

Thanks for your continued interest in my pain.

[Raymond]

He loves you with the love of the Lord? This is laughable and actually defamation against God. If that is God's love who can have hope? It's like saying be warmed and filled and then not giving the necessary food and warmth. There is some deception here. The bedroom is very much a part of God's love in a marriage. We are told not to defraud the other. We can get very super spiritual but God is interested in practicalities. You have to run from this stuff. Love is wanting to do not condencending to do. It seeks ways to bless.

I really pray God shows you clearly the way forward. The marriage has ended through no fault of your own. He deserted you a long time ago. Fact. You need a lot of healing and clarity also. Don't get too legalistic. Try and get that witness to do the right thing. God wants to bless and free you.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Dear Ashyah...

Hope things are getting better for you. He deserted the marriage long ago and if you are talking about infidelity it sounds to me as if he lives off the older man and is being kept. It is not an easy thing to see this picture right under your nose.
You said he has really never held a real job. Where did the money come from? So he did not file taxes on any income he did bring in by either ilegal or immoral means.

You should realize as long as you are married and threre is non-rported income the IRS is one step behind. I don't know what you ever had with this man that you could value, since he has treated you with such disregard and disrespect.

I think he is in an unsavory relationship and may have made his money illeagaly for years or some other shady deals. He is in trouble with the IRS because of this. You cannot know how good a man can treat you that cares about you. You have nothing to compare how a man treats a woman he loves. We all wish much better for you.

[ashyah]

In the beginning he worked for a company that treated him like an employee but, didn't provide benefits or held back for taxes. When it came time to file we got into arguments because he had excuses about not finding receipts or having his stuff together for filing. I would go ahead and file on my own. I started filing separate but married about nine years ago that is when he stopped totally and I stopped arguing with him about it. I went and retained a tax attorney which needed information from us to help us. Three years went by with me asking husband to get things together for the attorney he kept making excuses. Finally I asked attorney to offer in my name only.

My husband gets paid cash from the people that he does work for.

I spoke to an attorney about a divorce . I told him that I will ask for no maintenance because he doesn't file and I won't be able to prove his income.I was told that my divorce case will be complicated because of irs. That the judge may order him to prove how much he has made.

I feel that he is living with this man because of what this man can give him since he doesn't want obligations. There he gets shelter, food, and pays what ever he can when he makes some money. He does do repairs and looks after the man's safety. He gives me nothing and when I asked in the past for help he told me that I was the one who left.

[Raymond]

You don't want to spend too much money on this Ashrah. I don't know much about the subject. I hadn't picked up that you had actually left him before you came on this site for some reason. It sounds worse than it is for in reality he had left you years ago. If he doesn't contest I would have thought it would be simple these days but I don't know about the law in the USA. Hopefully someone on here will be able to fill in the blanks. Really the divorce is only confirmation that the marriage has failed due to no fault of your own. The money subject is more difficult as your husband seems to have avoided tax on a self employed basis. If you are not filing for maintenance I can't understand personally why it should be that complicated, but you have to be guided by those in the know.

The whole thing is very sad and not Christ's best but that is the situation. With the best will in the world you cannot rekindle the marriage. Your divorce is just the legal paper thing to recognise what has already happened. You are not running away. You have been deserted.

I hope it goes well for you.

Raymond

[ashyah]

Raymond,
Yes we have been separated for 2 1/2 years. I left because he became more vocal about his feelings. Even told me that my mother couldn't visit since I was just like her. He never liked her. My mother is hard to deal with but, she would serve him his food first.
I left because he completely cut me off from everything.
I have an in home business which needs the internet and fax line. At first I couldn't afford to pay these bills and I asked him to help me. He would pay the bill then tell me how much I owed him. He would get off of work and go to his male friends house. Would come home around 11 pm and go to a room that he set up in the garage he would then come into the house after midnight take a shower and go in his room and shut the door. I was told that if I wanted to enter his room that I needed to knock.
When he told me that he wasn't sure if he loved me or not then that he loved me with the love of the Lord I couldn't handle that.

At that time there was no gas service at the house. I would go and buy groceries and cook in microwave. He would come in and lift the lid off of the pot and make a face. One time he said he rather have a hamburger from Mcdonalds. So, next day I made hamburgers he then said I could get that from Mcdonalds.

I was so upset one day that I contacted a womens abuse center. They offered me an apartment it came so quickly I took it. That was 2 1/2 years ago . I have not heard from him. I do see him at my daughters he doesn't talk to me.

Thanks for your advise I am listening closely.

[ashyah]

Almost forgot.

Raymond I did post here before I had left him. I didn't remember doing that. It was at a time that I was so depressed.

[Raymond]

Ashyah I know you could go on forever about your husbands behaviour which has been pretty bad in anyones book.

This all happened over two and a half years ago. What is it really that is troubling you right now? What do you think God is saying to you? Are you getting good fellowship and able to get pastoral help? Do you have doubts about your course of action?

I assume that the house has now been rented to others and that he lives with the gentleman. When did this happen? Was it after you left?

This church he goes to. What kind of place is it? Is it a cult by any chance?

Sorry about all these question. I want to draw you out. I do not have all the answers.

Raymond

[ashyah]

Hi all,

I have not been on here lately. My mother was in hospital in the city.

I thank you all for being there for me. That is why I go on this site to get some straight forward talk. I really need that.

I am living in a dream world like someone said. And, what is wrong with me? How much abuse do I have to take?

My belief is very strong that God will pull me through he has already!

Now, I need to get some money together for the divorce. I have found an organization that is going to help me find a reasonable attorney.

Will talk to you all later.

Thanks again.

[1aokgal]

Dear Ashyah,

Sorry your mother has been ill. We all hope you will come out on the other end and ask yourself why you dragged things out so long. Most remarry within 3 years and find happy relationships.

Why shouldn't the universe and God take care for you? You are a very nice lady and deserve to find a good life.

[Raymond]

What abuse are you taking now Ashrah?

Raymond

[ashyah]

Hi Raymond,

I meant the abuse I took from him while I lived with him.

What I have now is the after affects. Need to work on it.

I am very lonely and feel that noone would be attracted to me.

[1aokgal]

Ashyah...

You have been separated from him for 2.5 years. You are living in the past and not the present. It is OVER. He has long moved on in life. You provide everything for yourself and he has no part in that. You get the credit for all of that.

You must let this go. I suggest you might talk to your doctor about your depression and perhaps get some situational prescription until you feel emotionally stronger. There is no stigma to say you need help.

You must move on to get healthy. Good luck.

[Raymond]

The abuse is over Ashrah but you obviously do need healing. Either that will come out in your relationship with God or you may need a bit of help from special christian counselors. Sometimes your memories need healing. I know in the USA and over here a lot of good stuff goes under the umbrella of theosophical healing. I think they call it TPH. You may not need this but it is there to help. Only open up to people you trust though.

Don't be silly about nobody loving you. God thinks you are fantastic and I do as well. You need to work through these things and build up your self esteem. You have been damaged. You don't really want to meet anyone until you are ready otherwise you may end up being a doormat again. Low self esteem makes you put up with things you shouldn't.

Raymond

[ashyah]

Thanks 1aokgal and Raymond.

Your words touched me. I am ready to go on by myself. I have done that in the last 2 1/2 years and even before.
I was prescribed an antidepressant by my doctor and I haven't picked it up from drugstore (I also am going through menopause so doctor prescribed it)
I do live in the past still feeling hurt that he rejected me so. It hurts when the one that is supposed to be close and protecting you treats you that way. It makes you suspicious of others.
And, I do need to get over these feelings or I will carry it onto other relationships or get attracted to someone like him.
I heard that we do end up with someone like the one we had.

I have found an organization near me that helps women going into divorce. One session that I am taking next week is called Is it hard to make that decision? Are you having a hard time because you feel marriage is forever? And others. It sounds like what I need.

At first I was concerned that my daughter would suffer. But, I heard her say to her husband that all she wants is that her parents are happy.I had a lot of guilt. I carried too much of responsibilitie.

Also, I have always wondered what God felt about what I have done. Felt that maybe I wasn't praying as hard or long enough like I heard others have done.

Thanks again for your words everyone. You are really helping me I really want opinions from people that aren't biased.

[1aokgal]

Ashyah...

You were not the one who broke the commitment of the marriage. He did that, so you have no reason to ever feel that you have personally failed. YOU did the right things in being a loving wife, mother and partner. You are a great soul loved by your God who wants you to be happy and healed.

There is no reason to look back over your shoulder because the events you described in that marriage were not happy. He was a poor husband at best. Yes, the group meetings sound exact to your needs and you get to the library and find some good books on self healing and start to work through this bad stuff.

Your prescription needs to be in your body and not on the shelf. I knew many people of both sexes who were prescribed medication through a depressive time and went on to get more stable and into good relationships. It is a good idea for you and not a way of life to take temp medication. Your doctor would NOT have prescribed this for nothing.

The main thing is for you to realize you have value. He was wrong to treat the narriage for his convenience. There are fine men out there who wish to love and cherish a good woman. You have years ahead of you to find a partner in life. Please, take care of yourself and know we are concerned for your well being.

You must CHOOSE to make happiness a priority. I paint and listen to great music to become tranquil and relaxed.Today I have a book on meditation which calms and soothes. YOU are not the only one who has walked through sour grapes. We just have to pick ourselves up and learn to live in today as yesterday is gone.
Tomorrow can be beautiful.

[ashyah]

For many people in our circle it may look like I abandoned this man that has no job and is now living in his friends basement. But, that is because when we were together I did everything. So, now this is his true self. And, he seems happy with it. Living with his friend and going everywhere with him.

The problem that I have is that since he seems depressed, I feel guilty that I left.

I just feel that he may be ill and that I have no right to leave him. But, then again I see how happy he is around his church family. Even traveling with his pastor. We never went anywhere. Nothing ever came out of his mouth about traveling or any goals.I also see how dedicated he is with this male friend that he lives with. He never ran around to do things for me. Even during the beginning of our marriage.

As you can see I have some things to work on. I feel I have forgiven him but, maybe I truly haven't.

And, I will go get my medication. I feel much better these days. I don't sleep all day I have more energy. But, there is still some sadness in me.

I spent many hours last night reading all the posts in living in a sexless marriage.It is helping me. For I felt that I was being selfish in feeling that there was something in our intimate life.

Thanks

[Raymond]

Ashrah I feel a wrong guilt coming to you again which you must resist. If you went back you know what would happen. Do you want that?

I was reading in Exodus 21 the other day about when a maid was sold to a master and the master married her. It says if he takes another wife he shall not diminish the first wife's food, clothing or marriage rights (bedroom). It says if he doesn't do these three things she shall go out free. How much more are you than a slave Ashrah? If the slave wife's marriage rights were denied she was free to go. Your marital rights were denied. Are you not free to go as a freewoman who's marriage rights have been denied?

I know the ideal is death to us part but one still has to cope where there has been a failure. I cannot see God putting wrong chains on us in an impossible situation. Did your father abuse you by any chance?

Raymond

[ashyah]

Raymond,

I grew up without my dad. My mother left him when I was 2 years old. Theres was an arranged marriage sort off. He went and asked to date her her grandfather said ok. She was always in love with a young man that she was not allowed to be with. My dad was 22 years her senior. I have had 11 stepdads. Well, these weren't really stepdads they would live with my mother.

I always longed for my dad. I used to write letters to him which I didn't mail I was never told his address.

I know that if I return with my husband he will continue to reject me. I went through this for 22 years. This was an everyday event. Before we became Christians he was always at home after work but, reading his paper and glued to tv. He didn't really speak to me. I was the one talking and trying to be romantic with him. He always gave excuses like my mother will hear us and after our daughter came he would say our daughter will hear us. After we became Christians he consulted with his pastor on all things. It felt like his pastor was in control of our lives.

Sometimes when I think back I cannot remember a day when he initiated anything. Just one day in kitchen he grabbed me somewhere and I told him that the kitchen was not the place for it. And it wasn't a kiss or hug.

[Raymond]

Wow you seem to have had a pretty unstable upbringing Ashrah what with 11 stepfathers. That can leave some sort of rejection but nothing that God can't deal with. I grew up in various orphanages so never had a mother or father around but I know God is the best Father one can have so the healing has happened. In a sense God has done it all in our spirits already but we have to draw it down into our soul area (mind emotions will) to experience it.

I think the church you went to were a bit controlling and probably had a rule about women being subject to the men. It does actually say to wives be subject to your husbands but that is not addressed to husbands. I never mention that to my wife otherwise it will become domination. Also my wife does not say to me the bible says you have to love me. That verse is addressed to me to work out. Whenever you get the men being bossy there is a problem which can include cruelty. My wife spends a lot of effort being subject to me but that is none of my business. My business is to love her as Christ loved the church.

I really hope you are able to walk forward and leave this stuff behind you so the healing can carry on.

Raymond

[ashyah]

Dear Raymond and 1aokgal

Thanks again for your thougtful and inspiring words.

I know that I will be fine. Most of my days are good. Their are times when everything just piles up on me.

I am sure that I am not the only one that feels this way.

Look at you 1aokgal, I have been reading your posts. I have made some good friends in the last 2 1/2 years. Have also lost some from the separation. Most are Christians that knew my husband and I.

In our Christian community what I did in leaving my husband is considered wrong. And, that is something that has affected me also.

But, as time has gone on I have changed my thinking. There was a time that I wouldn't speak my depression was so great. Couldn't carry a conversation because I was mentally unable. I would look around and see people laughing over something that they would find funny. I would think how can they find that so funny?My greatest desire at one time was to laugh! Throw my head back and open my mouth and let a big laughter just pour out of me!
Now I laugh. And, it feels so good.

Now I want so badly to travel which is something that I didn't do because he never mentioned it and because of money issues. Well, I still have the money issues but, I am hopeful.

My life is changing and I know that it will get better. There is someone out there like you said 1aokgal that is praying for a wife like me. That did make me smile and brought a tear to my eye.

Thanks my friend. For on a lonely night like tonight sitting in this lonely one bedroom apartment, I feel like I have good friends.

Thanks for slapping some sense into me and at same time lovingly hugging me.

[ashyah]

Ok

I have decided to get a divorce. Spoke to my pastor and she agrees that it is the thing to do. He has not honored the marriage.

But, now that I have the attornies number I am feeling sick to my stomache.

I think of having to face him at my daughters will be so uncomfortable.

Why is this so hard? If I could just get a divorce without going into court I would . There is no property to divide and I will try to ask for some alimony but, that may be difficult since he doesn't file. And, gets paid under the table.

Maybe it is best not to ask for maintenance so that I don't have to be after him to pay. Since I know that that is what will happen. Maybe I can ask for it and if he doesn't pay I will just leave it alone.I don't want any problems.

Have others felt this way?

Thanks for your advice

[suspiria_2]

ashyah,

your story is the saddest i have ever read in over 10 years of using the internet!

i can't speak to you from a spiritual standpoint, as others have done, nor even from one of experience because it is impossible to even imagine what you have gone through.

please, just talk to the laywer. tell them every single thing that you have told us here, and everything that you may have left out. then ask them what you should do in regards to the alimony (maintenance, in U.K. parlance).

proceed with the divorce straightaway! the more you dither on it, the more you allow it to damage your spirit wondering about if you could have prayed more, or what you did wrong. it doesn't matter if you did anything wrong, or spent your life in prayer; if your husband is the person you've depicted here, nothing would have worked anyway. he was flawed from the beginning, and should've never gone down that road with you (nor with anyone else, from the sound of it).

you know that he left the marriage a million years ago. he abandoned YOU. he was psychologically abusive to YOU. you need to just do whatever it takes to move past such an evil person (and he may not have broken any law, by god or man, but he was evil just the same in the way he treated you) and forget them. yes, it may seem impossible to you now, but in time you will feel less than nothing for someone who obviously felt less than nothing for you.

from what you've posted here, this person never did anything right by you. ask yourself, what are you holding onto? all that is left is the hurt, and that will continue to destroy you just like being in that horrible relationship was destroying you. don't let that happen. your life is a gift, and don't let anyone trample on it or allow any more of it to be taken away wastefully.

don't delay the healing process any longer, and you will definitely not heal if there is any bond left between the two of you, even if that bond is merely a legal technicality.

be safe~!

[1aokgal]

Dear Lady, Ashyah...

I am glad to hear that you have spoken to your pastor and that he told you that through no fault of yours, that marrrage ended years ago. You have been a good and faithful servant of God who went into a loving relationship with the intent to stay with your husband always. When he left those years ago he abandoned you and his marital vows and that has left you to fend for yourself and alone.You have loved him faithfully and with your very loyal heart continued to hope that he would return.

This is a man who you reported never held a real job and had questionable business dealings. There were tax problems because of dishonesty or income he failed to report and you had to deal with this as well. Did I read that correct? Then with all this you have kept yourself going though he has never helped you or been there to protect and shelter you. I found it loyal and you still cared for him and hoped he might change.

Ashyah, I think you realize that you must now come to the time when you formally end a marriage where you were not at fault and were abandoned by your husband.
You are Gods' faithful servant who did the right things and it is time for you to accept that there is a greater plan for you in mind than to spend the rest of your life as a pseudo-widow who grieves for a man who did not have the character to keep his marital vows. That bad time is over that you mourn and it is time now to celebrate the next part of your life.

Keep in your mind that somewhere there is a lonely and good man who has prayed and kept faithful in hopes a good woman would be there for him. Ashyah, YOU are that woman. I see things ahead for you that are wonderful and you must believe as I do that all will come to truth. Sign the papers and put this unhappiness behind you.

Share with him and co-parent for your daughters' good and to keep courteous and kind with no anger and go on with the next part of living. It would be a terrible waste of a life for you to remain, like a widow, when you were not given a chance to be a wife as God intended. Do you understand me? Now is the time for you to take the situation in hand and do all you need to do. Your daughter even says," Why did you wait so long?" She also has to see and hear the sadness in you and that is wrong and she wants for your happiness.

You must now choose to be happy. Get yourself out there and mix with friends and don't keep to yourself. The time for sadness is over. I really do see you as happy. The truth is I have always seen things before they occurred since I was a child. Take care of yourself and get the new look and step lighter and you will be surprised how changed you can be. I know this man searches for you. Please, look inside your heart and realize this is truth.
God bless
Your friend.

[ashyah]

Dear Suspira2,

Thank you for your heart felt words.
I have spoken to an attorney will meet with her on Saturday. If I am not able to afford her..I am also registering for a workshop. Legal people show you how to file the paperwork yourself. It should be easy I feel there is no real estate or minor children involved. No bank accounts.



1oakgal,

I feel that I have known you for a long time.

Yes, I loved him faithfully. In the 23 years since I married him there has been no one else in my life. And, I guess that is why I suffered so.

When I met with my pastor I was nervous because I thought that she would tell me that I should still wait in prayer. But, when I told her that I have decided to divorce she said yes do it. I was really surprised.

You keep making me emotional when you write about that man that is out there for me. I am not planning to be with anyone in near future. But, I certainly will not end up alone. I have seen myself with a nice mature man. I was even asked out to dinner a couple of times by a client. He is 10 years older than me. But, this was last December. I felt so guilty. We never had romantice contact. I drove my own car so that he would not say or touch me innapropriatly. I think he sensed that I was still attached to my husband even after two years. He hasn't called me since.

The other day I was driving home from an appointment.And, I felt that I was in love! Not with my husband but, feeling love for somebody. Can you understand that? I told me friend that I was feeling love for the invisible man. She said ask him if he has a friend. I think what this means is that I am healing.

Thanks all for your heartfelt words. Have to go now my mom is visiting. We fished all day today.

[1aokgal]

Dear Ashyah...

I am always glad to hear something of you. So great on the legal clinic. The papers are so simple to file and here they do this too. You pay a filing fee and just file them at the courthouse. You see, the doors are opening up to FREE you from bondage from a man who was unkind and hateful.

Ashyah, you must have had a hard life or no one told you how special you are for you to take all that meaness and internalize it into your very being. You thought that was love and it was so far the opposite! He loves only himself. I think he does for the daughter to make himself look good and out of guilt. Ask yourself where did the money come from that he had and I will say it did not come from honest work as other men who take pride in their jobs and responsibility to family. That is the past.

This is today. Now you move on toward the sunshine. Open the blinds wide and let in the light and be healed of all that sadness you have carried. Ashyah, I tell you I always KNOW about people and I do know about you. NO, no, dear ..he is not older...he is younger and very attractive, respectful and kind. You will know him instantly as he will offer to do something kind for you before you even know him. That is how you meet.

You will love him forever. He will not save you as you don't need saving. He will be a partner in the true sense of being a partner. He will not ask you to live with him or do anything that is out of your comfort zone because he will cherish you ...and your beliefs ...and your boundaries. He is a RIGHT man and perfect for you.

Of course, you will love him immediately. How could you not? He is chosen for you and will meet your needs and desires in a right way. He is a righteous man and you will respect him. I see this and know that you will be in good hands because he will shelter you from bad things and stand between you and that which might hurt you. He is a committed man to be with the woman he loves.

So you must do now the things you must do to seek your freedom from bondage. You can go into the promised land of good things. You will not walk through this life alone. You will be healthy and happy because it is true that the best is ahead for you. Trust in this....Your family will approve of this good person. He is an upstanding man who will make his intentions for you known in an honorble way. Beleive that, you will know him at the begiining and will be given a sign when he helps you with this small thing.

I see it and believe it entirely. I am a woman who knows such things ever since I was a child of perhaps four. I have for years proved this and people have written me 5 books of letters about my predictions and how they came to pass. It is what I do to give service with a gift or ability. This is for you to know, not for a brag on my part, but so you will accept this as truth. The truth will set you free. You have no reason to worry because what will occur will happen so naturally. Destiny takes care of it's own.

The only thing you need to do is be the best you can be and to heal so you are ready to know love when it is given to you. When fear is gone then destiny makes it occur for you.
The prophecy is there for you to fulfill just by being who you are. I know you are special and you must believe that because you are.....your God takes time to fill your heart with gladness when you meet the right one.

Each day is nearer to that day.

[ashyah]

1oakgal,

Thanks again for your heartfelt words.

They are comforting and really hit reality.

In a gentle and forward way you speak straight at me and tell me what I already know and, am just not realistic about.

One thing I must clarify is that my husband doesn't earn his money in any illegal way. He just has no motivation. That is what puzzles me sometimes in thinking that I should not have left him.But, when I give it further thought he is happy around others. He is just miserable around me.

He makes his money through doing independant work as an electrical contractor. He has talent and experience but, he doesn't use it to his advantage. He just sits and waits for calls. And, most of the contacts that he has are from realtors that I introduced him to while I did real estate sales. Nothing moved him to seek employment with a good electric company. He could have been doing union work . We could have lived in a very nice home and, our children could have lived a better life.

We went through a foreclosure and he filed bankruptcy a few times. When I married him he had already filed bankruptcy. We had many arguments about him getting what I called a real job. Which meant benefits. He would say I won't make enough working for someone. But, here we were with utilities shut off and losing our home. I had to run around looking for a place to live before the sheriff came and put our belongings in the alley.Till this day he has not said a word about it. Whenever I brought up things he would say stop bringing up the past.

One time we were sitting with our church group having lunch. Someone was talking about a home that they had just bought. When we got home I told my husband that it was hard for me to hear them talking about purchasing a home and here we were in middle of a foreclosure. He told me oh you are just jealous.
Made me think am I being selfish. And, this is what I got throughout the years.

Sorry to bring up so much.It helps to release some things.

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

[1aokgal]

Ashyah...

As you look back on these incidents you remember how little responsiblity he took to make a good life for his family To file bankruptcy over again is to steal as the creditors have a right to live too and cannot stay in biz if they are not paid.

I think one thing I feel most sorry about for you was how hard you worked and the pride to be a realtor and then to lose your license like a common criminal because of tax obligations and such. That must have broken your heart. I was a realtor in two states for years and it is hard to make it and hard to work with a lot of hours and effort. there is a pride that goes with that and I can imagine how you felt to hear about them buying a home while you lose yours.

That is one reason I handle all financial things and make the decisions as I never will trust another to make financial decisions for me. I know what is to be with a financially irresponsible partner. I went through some problems over such and taught me a lesson about handling the money and making the propety decisions.

The main thing you need to do is realize you did not leave him...he left you with all the problems and no help. So you learned a lot of hard lessons about survival. Same here. I keep all accounts separate and money in accounts and keep a safety deposit box with documents or cash put aside. Nobody ever makes those decisions for me.

You are doing the right things to move forward. Glad you are feeling better about facing the facts of what little help you actually had.
I won't say I am bitter but I sure went through a lot of stress over poor decissions made by another.
Take care of yourself.

[ashyah]

1aokgal,

Yes, there are people out there that truly may need bankruptcy to get back on their feet. But, in our case it was so simple. I didn't want to do it he went on his own. When I married him he had already filed. I thought about before marrying him and the fact that his whole family lived under one roof. When we first married I was trying to find a different place to live he went along but, really wasn't interested. So, I gave up on that idea.It turned out that his mother was running the whole household.

I did work hard for my license. I was favored by the realtors . I got into a big office. I was asked how did you get hired there? They only hire outstanding agents in the community. My name was brought up during a meeting. And, you know how that community talks. Till this day if I run my name on the internet it shows how I lost my license over my tax problems. And, I didn't even go through the real estate board. I surrendered my license hoping it would have been kept private. I was punished with two years suspension and having to pay the whole irs debt before being able to be reinstated. I have no desire right now to go back.
But, yes that was hard. He had had a license before too. When they went after me someone they included him.

I look back now and , I see how I should have handled my finances separately. But, you must understand the state I was in. Mostly it was because of my religious beliefs. And, the church that we attended had a very strict pastor.
This man doesn't even allow his wife to drive a car. He doesn't want her to be alone in a car with a male. She has never had a job.

My husband looks up very much to this pastor. He started going to him with his decisions. One time we were arguing about him getting a real job. he yelled I don't know what to do! You tell me one thing and pastor tells me another!

Because I wanted to be so submissive I allowed myself to become very passive . I waited on him for everything then he wouldn't get up and do them I would at the end deal with it by myself. Till this day I am still affected.

My real estate business should have been handled separately from the personal.

I am now having to deal with IRS hopefully they will accept my offer in compromise. I am planning to purchase my own home in a couple of years. And , I know that this IRS problem will hang over my head for a long time. I pray that I will be able to marry someone that I can partner with to go on with security.

I am happy 1oakgal that you have at least a husband that loves you. I know that the physical is very important. No one can say that it isn't for God made us all that way. Now that I am not depressed I have longings that I have to deal with.Sometimes I feel love like one feels for a mate but, there is noone there.Does that make sense? I say boy if I had a mate right now he better watch out!

I have a cousin that says that there really are people that don't desire sex like her. I say she is carrying some resentment for her husband. They don't have a good marriage. He has cheated on her. They got back together but, it isn't right. I don't want to go back with someone and live like that. What would be the use?

I know that mine is. And, that is something that he has to deal with. And, if he comes around in the future it may be too late.

It is hard when you have to deal with poor decisions that others have made. I find it easier now since some of the things that go wrong I can at least say well how would I handle that next time? What did I do wrong?

Please write back. I enjoy talking to you. I hope that sometime I can be of help to you. There was a time when I couldn't even write this much. When I didn't have any feelings or compassion for others because I was so much into my own pity.

[1aokgal]

Dear Ashyah...

Here I am and it is 3:30AM and I balanced the cehcking account, wrote out the checks, wrote a couple short notes for mail tomorrow and pulled up the records need tomorrow at the credit union.

I got a little help from my husband to go through some check stubs to locate records as last year tax return, appraisal on the house, etc.
I want this boat I have deposit on it to trade the other boat. Now we are in the weekend with hurricane Hanna here so not possible to close the deal on the boat or get new marine insurance for it. They will write no policy in the area until the hurricane has passed the area.

So after trying to finance the boat balance after the traded in boat which I got a good amount for as it is a nice boat. I decided not to pay a higher interest rate with someone to hold title of the boat. I will do a home equity loan and just buy it cash then and low interest rate plus I will get the title of the boat.

Of course I will say the purpose is for home improvement as my house is paid for with no lien but for the boat I will do it. Of course, the partial equity is my money out of the house and it is worth much more than what I need.

I also will put a triangle jetted tub in the bathroom upstairs and have windws put into the florida room and now it is just screened. That will be so much nice. I want windows that go up and down with a lever as this room overlooks the pool but in winter is cold and rains in there a bit. I have this indoor/outdoor carpeting and will put some new carpet in there. Should make it beautiful. I also have no bills other than that but my car which is almoat paid off.

I love this boat and it is beautiful inside with counter tops in the galey made of the sandstone. There is stove, refrigerator, microwave and a bathroom with shower and this boat is air conditioned and heated. My other boat I put in heaters but this will work at sea from the generator as well. this one is larger and so elaborate I will sepend alot of weekends on the boat.

Talking about financial problems I understand all that, Ashyah. You would nt believe how hard life was for me for many years and i close i was to being homeless and I worked some awful jobs to keep roof overhead. I cleaned houses when I first got my Realtor license so I had enough money to pay my operating expenses. I had a terrible old car and talked my broker into making me a small loan to help me get the car I needed. I was $500 short and he loaned it and took it out of my closings.

He saw my tires and one day came in with a scowl and said ..come into my office. He had made out a check and had called a friend of his who owned a tire store. He had the number of my tires and a check was made out for the tires I needed. He said..you cannot drive and stay alive on those tires. I set it up for you go over and get the tires he has for you. Yes, he took it out of my closings over a couple of deals. Oh, he was such a fabulous man. His great love, his first wife, had been raped and murdered in a home invasion. He had three young children to raise and later married a schoolteacher. I admired and cared about him and he was the kindest man I ever knew. She was sure lucky to have found him. He was one of those exceptional men we hear about.

Years before that I picked strawberries in the field with only a few women and a bunch of convicts on a work relief and me...young and poor. I tried to hold onto my house and not lose it to foreclosure. I got sunstroke after a week out there and ended up in the emergency room. No house then.

Disasters always find me. It is laughable what strange things happen in the quest to make it from one day to the next. Let us sayI know what it is to be hungry and scared. I never smoked, drank or did drugs and tried to keep to my values despite hard times.

There was a time though my heart and spirit was so depressed and afraid that I considered prostitution. I was 24, had no money and two children to feed with a job loss. I was really innocent and little sexual experience other than my husband who did not support or take care for things. He took off from time to time. I was afraid I couldn't make it. It was before Xmas and I came very close. Again a kind man came along and helped me because I was pretty and young. He bought me a huge amount of groceries and a Xmas tree and came over with the tree and helped me set it up. He knew what I considered and told me that was a stupid thought. I got another job because he knew someone. So all along God seemed to look out for me along the way.

Well, I must go to bed. We should have storm here but not so bad I think. Many places will be closed. I hope my bank trip is on for tomorrow. Take good care of you. Do not be afraid for all will go better for you.

[ashyah]

Hi 1oakgal,

It is so nice that you can purchase that very nice boat. Good idea to borrow on the home and get lower interest rate.

I am glad that you recovered from your struggles.Mine are taking a long time.

You are up at 3:30 am? Are you not able to sleep or just have so much to do?

I find that I cannot fall asleep till late. And, then am up early in morning. During the last three weeks I have been feeling fatigued during the day. I went and got the antidepressant pills and started taking them three days ago.It will be a while till the kick in. I am starting to be concerned feeling that I should go see doctor about this fatigue. It could be depression . But, I would like my heart checked.

I am involved in the mortgage industry and things really slowed down in the last two months for me. Hopefully things will pick up soon. I have lately thought about having to get supplemental income. Besides real estate sales I don't know what else I can do besides what I am doing now.

Here I am at 56 years old thinking about a new career. It is hard when you are yanked all of a sudden into a world that you had not expected to be in .

That was wonderful how your broker helped you. I had a broker like that at the end of my career. One time the office handed me a collection money that helped me with a problem that my family had. This broker was also very loving towards his wife. One time we were having our Christmas party at a restaurant. He got there earlier. He said I am waiting for my princess. That was so sweet.

I won't go into details about what my husband never said about me. And, thinking back he didn't accompany me to that dinner. I took my daughter with me instead.

So, you are getting a lot of rain? It is something Friday it rained here all day long. I wondered if it had to do with the storms out that way.

I am in Illinois. I guess I can say that.

I am going to bed now. Enjoy your boat. It is good to hear that you keep yourself occupied and distracted. I didn't and now get angry at myself for letting him take my youth.

[1aokgal]

Dear Ashyah...

I think I was always a night person and my mother before me. Since I oil paint I often plan and "paint" in my head. One of my best paintings was a 2AM thought. I got up in my nightgown and started that painting. That is how I painted a dear step brother that began as a dream. All my painting began in my mind and that is how I began to paint.

These are sold through galleries or shows and on the website. There are a few of my paintings, including a self portrait, on a website that originates from Greece. In fact, I am behind and need to get to work on several incomplete paintings as a large floral painting. I make and sell Victorian outfits, dresses and hats and these are on two websites. I have shipped them to five countries. My company name is Heritage Fashions. There is my store on Ebay where I sell the outfits and make copies of antique dresses seen in museums or photos. My name on Ebay as seller is 1aokgal.

It was my hobby to design and wear the outfits to historical events such as Victorian tea houses here. They always ask me to dress and I often give a short talk on my outfit and ladies fashions of the time from 1869-1912. My favorite era and my specialty are the bustle dresses of 1880. It started for me with making the Civil War styles and doing re-inacting with crowds as the battles here in the US. I live near a restored historical area and there are fine 1800's houses there. I also dress for events at the Victorian teas here. So I make and wear all outfits from Civil War through Edwardian dresses......Titanic type...as you see in the movies.

My own personal wardrobe consists of perhaps 40 outfits and 40+ hats and bonnets to match the outfits.

My wigs are done in the upsweep hair Gibson girl style. That meant i needed to grown my hair long enough to put into the elaborate styles in the summer. Of course, I carry a silk covered fancy parasol, and wear a laced-in corset, bloomers, petticoats and camisoles under the dresses. All the dresses are boned with metal corset bones so there are timeswhen I need to get pretty fast from my air conditioned car to the house so I will not get overheated. Sweating in a corset is not a good thing!

Looks as if the new boat I planned to buy is not a reality. The boat loans were at higher rates and few companies who will write them. I was going to go with the home equity idea but they were not willing to lend without stipulating I should pay off a couple other things. They want to tell me what. Fine, if I could borrow what was needed to make the plan work out. They were willing to give me much less and only enough for the boat so nothing left to do a few home improvements and pay off other bills.

The house is valued for much more so they want to give me a barely enough to do the boat itself and not do what I want to do to pay off. I decided not to put the loan on my house for a boat. I wanted a boat loan. People everywhere have lost homes mine is free aand clear so I decided to keep it that way.

My boat is 7 years old but very nice. We think the oil pan rusted through so it could be $8,000 to repair if a rebuilt engine needed. It could be the oil pan needs replaced. Either way, an expensive repair as the engine will need to be pulled to get to the oil pan and clean up the bilge. If I am lucky, the engine will not beet to be replaced. I shut it offqquickly to see no oil pressure. Then I would miss the next two weeks on the water. Good thing it happened now as I have some extra money that just came into my hands. Isn't THAT funny! I really fell in love with this new boat and if I can't work it out with a boat loan..not onthe house for sure..then I will try again next year. My business can pick up a lot this coming year and I can perhaps work it out a different way. It is a goal and we all need goals.

You keep working for things you want. The mortgage banking is down now but trends change and the housing industry will work back to better enonomy. I feel fortunate to have this problem as I remember when having a roof ovrhead was my major problem. Some women think about designer bags. My passion is a beautiful boat sitting ready to go to sea.

I decided not to make 20 years of payments on my house for the boat and feel insecure. So then I made the goal to make 50% more money this next year. That will work it out for end of next year to try again. The boat/home broker wanted to give me an 8% loan and that to me is not earning my business.
I thought they were hungry but not enough it seems.

My store on ebay is called Heritage Fashions and I make outfits to sell also on a great website belonging to another lady who sells the actual antique/vintage outfits. My self portrait is on the painting website. www.bustledress.com (http://www.bustledress.com) is the website for my Victorian bustle dresses. My photo is on this site.

Ashyah, you just need to find something to do that you can do at home that is interesting for you. My paintings are available on http://www.paintdvds.com/gallery/claudette.html
I don't add this info for commercial purposes here but so you can see how easy it is to turn a profit with a hobby or good idea.

There are many wholesale places you can buy items and resell them for tidy profit right from home. You can learn to string beads or make jewelry, pocketbooks, hats, and many things that will sell on ebay. There are things you can buy from goodwill thrift shops and resell or redesign to sell. All of thast is possible.

Well..... time I get to bed.
Claudette

[ashyah]

Dear 1oakgal,

You made me laugh when you said how quickly you have to get into cool area so that your corset doesn't overheat!

I checked out your site and loved those fashions. I would have never thought that there would be a market for that.

I think I connect with you because I have similair interests.I am working with old chandeliers and light fixtures . Painting and embellishing them. Some I will remove wiring and replace with candles. The problem I am having right now is with money for supplies. And, I know I can search places like thrift shops and dollar stores.

Also, I have thought of doing something similair to your victorian fashions but, with dolls. I have seen beautiful crochet patterns for that. I thought I could get these patterns and change them around.

This I could put on a website.

And, also another thing that I love is nautical things. I love being by the water. One reason I moved into this subdivision is that it has a private lake and pool. Do I go in the pool? NO. I don't swim.

I have a lot of fears and reservations that I have to get past.

The biggest fear is failure and rejection.

I too want to paint. Want to get an easal (I think I mispelled that).I do have talent it is just that noone as a child helped me.

I just had a counseling session and I brought up what careers I want to get into but, need to decide on which one. I brought up that I am 56 years old. She said and? Which is what I would tell someone that brought that up.

Did you get a web designer? I designed a website for my business but, when I search it comes on after a long list of others. I did put it on the major search engines. I guess one must get someone with experience to help.

8% sounds like a high interest rate for home mortgage. If I understood right. Enjoy your love of boating.I understand the loneliness that you feel. That is a good thing that you are doing.

I pray that God blesses you in what you are doing. You are a real lady and I sense in your writings your sensitivity to others pain.

[1aokgal]

Dear Ashyah...

Yesterday I had network problems so could not seem to stay online. It is always nice to talk to you and I recognize a lot in you similar to my interests. We have walked through some harsh times and there is in both of us a ladylike quality that is both an asset and a liability. It means it is hard fro us to understand or accept others who may not be as honest or straight forward. It means we sometimes expect too much of others and are very disappointed when they don't come through with sterling character. It is setting standards high both for ourselves and others.

The painting is a good thing to do when you have talent and interest but let us be honest, it is hard to paint when one is not tranquil inside. That is the best time and reason to do it as it does bring peace. Sometimes when my mind jumps all over the place trying to solve problems... I feel so unsettled. Once I begin to paint though, such a peace comes over and I lose huge blocks of time to concentrate and forget other things. Sometimes when the struggle is for survival there is no time or energy to put into the creative act which is the very best medicine for feeling stressed.

The age question you have about careers is irrelevant. Remember the RE background gives you a lot of financial knowledge and you just need to find a path that can be short term to get into and rewards quickly for your finanacial needs. I had an interest in legal so took a course...really difficult...at the college for paralegal. First, I signed up with a private company and that was about $2,000 and then ended up to take it over at the college for $950 which ran about 7 weeks. It is a well respected field and the demand is high as attorneys pass off all the out of courts deeds to the staff. Maturity there is an asset.

Now paralegals even do the interview process and handle all the fling paperwork under attorney supervision. Depends whether one goes into bankruptcy specialty, divorce litigation or other specialty. This is a high paid field and getting more and more in demand.

Collections... I did the actual court work. Like you, I did a number of careers. I had an insurance license for some years and worked at Northwestern Mutual, a huge Life insurance company. Some go into autmobile/home insurance companies. There are two different types of licenses. Those who go with the liability insurance and home insurance ofen find companies who will pay for the training and then you transition into one of their offices. USAA pays a salary and will train, as opposed to some companies that are solely commision. You need salary steady so that is a factor in choice. I think mortgage banking is good but maybe too competitive now and commision paid is a long dry spell between. The whole deal can fall through for credit.

Companies that do their own training and license help are like State Farm. They are salaried as opposed to commission paid.

The website of bustledress was done by the other lady and I pay her a small amount to host me as I help her site. Some people do a side line on web design.

The best dolls to dress for money is to create costumes for antique porcelain dolls as french fashion. These outfits items sell on ebay from perhaps $150-300 depending on the elaborate design and silk fabrics used. Years ago I made those reproduction porcelain dolls and dressed them win these fabulous costumes. I sold them as fast as i could make them. I still have a small collection of dolls both antique and reproductions. Then it went to the actual people costume dresses. Doll costuming is a good sideline for sure.

I sell the Victorian outfits to theatre groups and such. I still buy them for myself from a few I know who make great oufits and pay too much for them. It is a passion and almost an obsession to have these fabulous outfits to wear to a Victorian tea or victorian ball. I have some incredible dresses in my closet. Then I wear them a few times and sell them on Ebay as pre-owned.

One lady friend who is an email friend of mine in Calif. is a fine singer and she does appearances with a group of ladies all in period clothing at fancy resort hotels and such. She will be appearing with them at a club in Paris, France in Sept 24th. She bought one antique dress for $2400. Incredible dress ..to wear for her shows. So there are many things thst one can do to make money as make such reproduction dresses. I know one lady..in Co. and her dresses sell for up to $2500. Sure beats working for somebody else!

If you have that creative ability to paint then think what you can do with it for fun and profit, I belong to a painting assn. and we have shows and a gallery to hang the work. Just put your price and hang them and they will sell. It helps to be part of some organization that helps mtivate and inspire. The costumes/Victorian dresses..I go on a website and this is used by costume makers like mself to exchange ideas and post photos of the work. Often we can sell the outfit to another.

Last month I paid $950 for an outfit one lady had made by another for $2300 and she wore it to a function in Las Vegas for Victorian fashion show. Now I have it and will add some trim and a row of silk pleats at the bottom of the skirt. I plan to wear it to a victorian tea this month. I get my photo taken a lot and often will make an outfit for another lady who admires what I wear some place.

My business, Heritage Fashions, does well but I have a husband who makes the bulk of the income. Ashyah, that is what you need and will find..a partner in life. Then you can do your creative things and have the freedom that making it in alone dos not offer.

Yes, you are right that the interest rate of 8% on a home equity loan was too high. that is a HAHA. I also found they did not want to offer the amount to value of the house so we just decided not to go that direction. So you have a firm business knowledge and great head o your shoulders. You just need to have more confience about your abilities. You said no one helped you with this when you were a child.


Ashyah...me either. I had a horrible childhood with a mother with emotional problems who beat me terribly. She called me names and belittled me and all the years through and was physically assaultive. She called me names to point I had little confidence. She bought the marriahge license and pushed me into a marriage at 16 with an abusive man. I spent years to try to undo a harsh beginning. I went to college and worked my way through...it took me years...at 35. So I do have empathy with your struggle and how hard it an be
to find a good life. I went from struggling for a roof overhead to a better life making. Each step of the way I was scared of the next day and how I would survive.

You are a very talented and kind woman. We do have a lot in common and I hope you work through some of those confidence issues. Real estate is a difficult profession and to have lost this because of the actions of another must have hurt terribly. So that means to me you live in the US. I live in Virginia Beach, Va. which is on the East coast and a resort beach city. Boats just everywhere!

I lost a career that i loved a lot because of the action of another as well. If we were on a private space I would tell you about that but it is similar story.

I am sure that these things are going to change for you. God bless you and help you with decisions you make today for your future.

[ashyah]

Hi 1oakgal,

That is so true what you have wrote in your first paragraph. Even after almost three years of separation I still feel that my husband didn't mean to treat me like he did. Sometimes I feel that he is so miserable at himself and I was just the closest person that he thought would never go away. And, sometimes I feel so unworthy since this man that doesn't care about himself didn't even care for me.Do I make sense? I makes me feel that even though there are good and attentive men out there that I am just not worthy.

I have thought many times of getting an easal and paints. But, right now the finances are low and maybe I will just get some paint by numbers kits to spend my evenings painting. I have seen some very nice ones.Yes, that stress and survival that we must do sure zaps the energy out of us. Yesterday I started my day with tears. I sure felt that I couldn't cope. I have been struggling for the last three weeks. I almost called my husband for financial help. But, I didn't I know what the answer would have been.He would have told me that he has no money. And , there wouldn't even be any remorse or compassion.

Isn't that something lately I have been thinking about what to take up and paralegal work is one of my interests. Also, medical work as a freelance type of arrangement. I certainly know a few attorneys in this area through my real estate career. I have to give it some serious thought though.I have been thinking about bankruptcy processing. All this takes some start money which I don't have right now.

I am very interested in also starting an ebay store. I saw that my local library has books on how to start a store. The books are checked out but, I put a hold on them. I have a question if you don't mind helping me out. The project that I have involves using dolls. Like Barbie and others. Would I need to get some kind of resale permit?I also redo chandeliers. If wiring is in good condition I just work on making it fancier. If wiring is bad I replace with candles.

My dear friend, I do long for a partner in life. I don't like being alone. I have so much love to give to someone. That love that till this day I prayed with my husband. I have waited for him all this time because of my believe in my Lord. But, sometimes I say God doesn't want a marriage like that! A Christian marriage has to be even greater than a seculair one . I have tears flowing now. I daydream about that loving man that is coming. Then at the same time I feel like an adultress for thinking about somene else and not my husband. I knew before I left that this would happen. In my heart I was prepared. I have tried along the way to speak to him in different ways. He has no remorse. There is no change.

This is my second marriage. The first one was at age 16. I was with him since I was 13 years old. He was my second cousin. He was older and put so much into my mind. Since he was in the family he was trusted and it looked like we were just hanging around. But, there was something else going on. I just don't know how noone noticed and stopped it.I never really loved him. I felt so ashamed. When I became a Christian I asked God to forgive me. We had a child he is ok just depressive it runs in my family.

I too had a bad childhood I don't hold anything against my mom. I say she didn't know any better. I never got hugs or kisses or an I love you. Till this
day I find it hard to hug her and say I love you. She was always so angry and unapproachable. I had eleven stepfathers. All these different personalities coming and going every few years. Some of them would get fresh with me. I never told anyone. I feared my mother so.

Even though I am a people person I prefer to work by myself. That is why I choose to work from home. My current work is from home. I am doing pretty good even though there is the mortgage crisis. That is why I need to do something else to supplement. Or, if the other work turns out to work better for me then what I do now would be secondary.I am getting excited.

You are right I am lacking confidence.I feel like two different persons one says let's go let's do it! The other makes all kinds of excuses. I have started seeing an abuse counselor. I have started talking to her about my fears.

[1aokgal]

Ashyah,

Thank you for your confidence in me to tell me about your life. I know the biggest fear can be to wonder how to survive from one day to the next. I had that for years. There are some real horror stories about that struggle. The childhood was so scarred and dysfunctional that I wonder how I made it sane.

Like you, I put off going to visit my mother now who is 92 and is almost 250 miles away. It is a 3.5 hour drive one way for a couple hours to sit with her a few hours. She has dementia now. There was always something wrong with her and the terrible rages were a great fear for me as a child. She beat my head against a floor or wall among other things. The times she was nice she could be very sweet. She had to compete with me for everything. If I bought a red blouse, she would do it too. She even chose to go to the same plastic surgeon I went to when I had a rhinoplasty done. She always made fun of my nose as a child. You know the funny thing? I see it in photos and it was not a bad nose at all. It was part of the self loathing from a hateful upbringing that I had to unlearn.

So, yes, You and I have walked many of the same sad miles in life. Now, I can help you with ebay. YOu do not need a resale license(or expense of it.) You do not need an ebay store or cost there right now. You can sell your items just as a seller and you get a name identity and can sell under that with a password. You DO need to have a checking account and credit card to place on Ebay. The card to show your stability. The costs to sell items is pretty low and the use of Payapl their bank, means your payments are credited almost immediate.

I sold a Victorian dress today for $350 and on thursday she pays through paypal. They transfer from her bank the funds to my bank account right away. So you need to have a checking account and credit card on file. When you have a store..you get billed for the store on a monthly basis. True I can list MORE items for less money in my store but I also have the cost of the store.

Just to be a seller on Ebay..you pay a little more on cost of a listing fee and a fee on the final cost of the item. You have no cost for the monthly store. If you find you list a lot of items then you can get a store. This runs about $16 a month for store plus cost of the fees of the items sold and listed.

I sold so much of my junk items and stuff I did not want..so easy.
I say biggest problem now is higher costs in postal rates buyers must pay. Still, shopping at home is a huge industry. Those malls just do not get the big draw now. I can find most anything cheaper on ebay.

The hobby doll things is a separate category and there are categories for all items. You don't need an ebay how-to book as there are easy tutorials on ebay to learn. I have been on ebay perhaps 7 years. I even resold a lot of things from goodwill stores for more money and that is common. Many haunt auctions and thrift stores to locate jewelry or items to sell.

No tax worries right at this time..no resale license needed. You just keep good record book of your items and assign them a stock number and what you paid and how much it sold for at the end. You see your fees. Then you figure if you are making money and how you can increase that. Many makes thousands eac month. You have to become a good lister to write description of the items. There are software templates you can buy for under $5 so you can have pretty copy and fonts on your items. That is the key to make things look better. You would be amazed what sells on Ebay and how fast you can make it pay.

You learn by doing..sometimes by making mistakes. The main thing is you treat all with courtesy and fairness no matter how much idiots they can be...customer is always right. One's reputation on ebay is the Feedback section and several poor transactions can kill the biz forever.

Well..I must go do some listing now. Go check it out!

[ashyah]

Hi 1oakgal,

How are you doing?

I spoke to a mature Christian man plus the pastor at a food pantry that I volunteer at. They both told me that I have grounds for divorce. They said to take it to prayer.Which I have been doing.

You talked about your rhinoplasty and your mother. People used to make fun of my skinny legs. For many years I covered them. They are not that skinny! I have every right to were skirts even if they were skinny.

Thank you for the ebay information. Do you keep a store? I took a closer look at the dolls that I want to make and the supplies would actually cost me. And, it's going to take some intricate and detailed work.I must start gathering materials. I will go to thrift shops and try to find things like sequined dresses to take apart.So, when you see an item being offered with others in a list those are not stores? Does a store only have your products? And, is everything auctioned on Ebay? As you can see I am a novice when it comes to Ebay. I have only ordered twice from there.

You never know what life is going to throw your way. Today I was coming out of the kitchen at the pantry and I heard someone call my name. It was someone that used to work in my former sales office. She was one of the top producer. She broke both of her legs. She was standing in the food line. She told me I went from rich to poor.

I don't know what I would be doing if I didn't have my relationship with my Lord. I have peace even though I break down sometimes. Yesterday morning I cried. I had not done that in awhile.It is ok to cry and let it out. I almost called my husband for financial help. But, I thought about what he would say. Today is a new day and I feel so much different.

Take care.

[1aokgal]

Ashyah...

Believe me, I understand well off and I understand dead broke with no roof overhead for a time. I have done it all. When you cry sometimes that is a good vent for a lot of frustration. You know you have grounds for divorce both legally and religiously as he deserted the marriage bed. You are now 2.5 years separated and do it all for yourself with no help from him.

Ouy of fear, you hanfg on to a lifeline and he is not on the other end of the line...God is there holding you up, Ashyah. I understand that so well as I stood wondering how I would make it from one day to the next. I took it one step at a time and everything did drop into place but it was not easy.

I lost a home to foreclosure when I was 27 with two children and we had nowhere to go and an old car that died on the freeway to get to an uncle's house. He came 100 miles to get us off the highway where we stopped with our few belongings. Then he helped me with just a ride to a city where I knew I could work and find a place. I had just enough money to do that. No money to replace the car.

I have a few stories like that that were SO bad it is like a story book of curses to look back on it all. Today I live exactly the opposite where there is security and a good standard of living. I did like you consider I worked my way through college and training for several professions. i used one to stepping stone to the next one. So it all came out OK and No, it was not easy at the time. They say that God never gives us so much we can't carry it.

There were times I thought that was a lie. Did I also say I had a violent husband years ago? He fractured my leg in three places and put me in a wheelchair for 9 months with a back injury that troubled me for 25 years with a disc. I was lucky as his intent was to kill me as I was going to leave him. I had to wait a year to do it as it took me that long to regain my health from injuries. Instead of putting him in jail..I forced him to help me do whatever I needed.

I still have to use reasonable care where my back is concerned. I can do most things but don't move heavy things or do wrenching movements. So I can tell you that you can make all of this today ...step by step ...and one day it will be all that you pray it will for you. I f I could make it through all that ...so can you maneuver all your way to the best future. Just believe you can do it. Your first test..is get your freedom.

[ashyah]

Hello 1oakgal,

I hope you are having a beautiful day. There weather here in the midwest is beautiful today.

I went to see my counselor today.In speaking to her I found that I have gotten over some mountains that I was afraid to climb.

I read your experiences with your first husband. I too had some hard ones with mine. Mine had mental issues I didn't see that at the time because I was so young. Remember I married him at 16. He was working when I first married him but, the day our son was born he stopped working. He took three days off to help out with the baby then never went back to work.I lived with him for seven years like that. He was a street mechanic.He would have problems out there in the streets then bring the anger home.One day he told me to take the baby and leave because he was going to set the house on fire. I went in to get baby ready when I smelled smoke. He has set fire to a garbage bag! And his parents lived upstairs!

The day that I left him he piled up all my belongings and set fire to them.

I have to be careful about my future relationship with a man.I certainly will be looking for certain signs.

Yes, you have come a long way. We must use our past experiences as learning tools.

For a long time I was too religous. One time I went on a woman's retreat with some ladies from a different denomination. During that time God spoke to me and told me loosen up! Now I am starting to loosen up.

I know that when I get a divorce it will be hard emotionally. But, in a way it will be a step towards healing. For right now I am attached to him in hoping for reconciliation. Once I get divorced I will have to let go of that. And, I won't be hanging on just because we are still married.

If you have been able to make even after sustaining all those injuries well, so can I. You have inspired me far more than you realize.So,please know that. I pray that God heals you and keeps you in joy and peace.May your business prosper to the point where you may have to hire others to help you.

Have a beautiful and wonderful day.

[1aokgal]

Dear Ashyah..

If you still look over your shoulder.....after over 2 years apart, than you are holding onto a dream that never was there. You must get past any fear that keeps you from moving forward.

When you are strong and confident you attract the same in another person. When you are weak and fearful...guess what? That is who is attracted to you. We create a magnetic energy force that attracts positive energy when we have the same. If you DON"T have that than you need to think, act and live as if you do, and one day when you wake up... you will be the person you want to be. Sometimes we have to create our own reality.

Prosperity is created with deciding to work toward certain goals and then not to be attracted to things that keep you from reaching that. Just like when one goes to a job interview. You decide that is the job you want and CAN do than you show them you have the motivation and talent to accomplish that goal.

They say," What are your weaknesses?" Do you say," Darn, I just cannot get out of bed in the morning?" No, you say something like this," I am so driven to complete something if I have to work late ot take it home with me to work it out...that is what I will do. I just feel I have to get something finished once I get it started." or you say"" I expect a lot of myself, and will study or read up on that subject to understand the best way to approach it." You decide you approach from strength and not weakness.

It is the same with your situation. You need to be FREE of him and bad memories. Don't talk about the past...let it go. Talk about the future and what you want to accomplish. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Decide it is a positive place. Sorry, but you can't pray your way into getting all you want to have.....you can decide that you are responsible and make it happen. Prayer is wonderful...but biblical characters were strong, hard working people who went beyond, to the next step.

I believe you can come from where you are.....to where you want to be. You want to love and be loved....have a lovely home and security. You want to be healthy and to forget the bad memories and make happy new memories and you can do that.

Yes, a poor start at a young age is hard to overcome. My mother bought a marrige license for me when I was 16 and married me to a man and she said this to him," Marry my daughter , or go to jail."

Oh, guess that was a happy choice!" I had a baby when I was 17. School was lost to me. That I had to make up years later. So I lost my childhood. I had two children by the time I was 21. Forget the parties, dances and fun of being young. I divorced when I was 26. So , you see ...we do have a lot in common.
Today is my oldest son's birthday so I must call him tonight as he lives in another state.

It took years to get past that early poor beginning to life. Little education equals bad jobs. So I been there and got educated by working and taking classes for years. We do what we have to do to survive and overcome adversity. The two children I have from those years are grown and gone but they did not have smooth lives either.

Life is not perfect today or I would not be on this site. I am happy for the most part and I learned that one can overcome a lot of problems by positive action and thoughts.
Hope you have a great weekend. Let's think about all the plus things you have done to get past things. It sounds as if you are on the right track.
You are such a talented lady I bet you would find Ebay sales easy and successful for some extra money. My paintings and my Victorian outfits sell quickly.

I am working on a couple of outfits to list and sell on Ebay for next week. My husband has to work the whole weekend so that gives me time to sew until late and get these finished.

[ashyah]

Dear 1oakgal,

Hope you are doing wonderfully today!

I can tell that you sense in my writing that I am still holding on.

I just started typing why I still feel this way but,then backspaced and rewrote it.Because you know what ?I am really healing from those thoughts and feelings.

When I do divorce of course it will hurt it will be hard. But, it needs to be done and it is going to have to come from my side just like everything else. Even when I lived with him.

You know what? I too married at 16. Well, I ran away with him. When we came back into town my dad had talked to the justice of the peace and took us straight over there. I remember it was raining. This was at the island where I was born. He took us to the judges house knocked on the door and they married us there. I don't remember the ceremony just the standing in front of that man's house and knocking on his door.I spent 7 years with him and divorced at 25. One year before I actually left him I had secretly started the process. He stalked me for a year after I left him.He put a knife to my throat one day. Also, tried to commit suicide. I was so done I would not have gone back no matter what he did.

I too lost my childhood. When I left my first husband I started partying. I didn't get into serious drinking or using drugs. But, I hung out a lot with friends and discoed the night away.

Thanks for sharing your past with me. It helps me to understand that I was not the only one. And, that there is hope for me.

These days I find it easier to get out of bed and do what I need to do. I don't spend the whole day in bed like I used to.

You have inspired me so much with the Ebay idea. My ideas also have to do with the victorian era. I tend to be bohemian also. I spent the day today on the internet. Bid on a couple of patterns for the doll dresses. And, I have some accesories around my apartment that I could also add to that.

The only problem I have right now is that any project that I what to start involves money which I don't have. Sometimes I don't even leave my apartment just to save on gas.I don't get any financial help from anyone. Am totally self sufficient.It sure would have been nice to get my items on Ebay in time for Christmas.

Talk to you later. Am going to babysit my granddaughters right now.

Tell your son that your friend wishes him a big happy birthday!

[1aokgal]

Dear Friend Ashyah...

Well, if you read your story and my story we were doing about the same things at the same time. We got into trouble at 16 with a guy and were pushed into a marriage. We got unmarried at 26 and started hanging out at the dance places and trying to be young because we had a terrible marriage, had no money and finally got free.

Trouble is I had two kids and still no money and couldn't go out very much because I had to have a sitter. I also worked nights for awhile.
I paid my way part way through a trade school then had to quit until I could complete it a year later. That was a money problem. I dated some until I got very attached to one guy. Good thing I KNEW I wouldn't marry him. Not if I had a brain in my head. He was exciting and fun and kind to me but not one who would make a good husband. Good thing I packed up kids and car and went back where my family lived. So you and I went through a lot of similar things at the same ages.

Ashyah, what happened with your Offer of Compromise on the tax problem? Did you have an attorney handle that or did follow directions and write the paperwork yourself? I wonder how that works out?

Year ago I made the porcelain dolls by working in the liquid porcelain and still have the kiln (oven.) These dolls were very popular and easy to sell for pretty high dollar until cheap imports tok over. I still have a small collection of thse I made and dressed and few kits I still need to put together and dress. I have a small rounded top trunk with lovely patterns.
I enjoyed doing this and I think it brought me calmness and joy because you and I did not have a real childhood as it should have been. The dolls were a chance to create something beautiful.

The Victorian dresses I make, sell and wear are the same thing for me. A chance to recreate a beautiful time era and the fun of wearing beautiful things. The prom I did not get to the dances I didn't get to enjoy. Those were events I never experienced so perhaps it is my way to do that today.

One of these days I will get the couple of beautiful dolls and complete them. I have some patterns for them that are incredible. Seems the making people clothes takes over. I have several outfits here I want to finish.
You said you came from an island? Your name is very beautiful and sounds like a "from India" kind of name. My mother named me after a movie actress but it is a french name I don't see often. I am glad I don't have an every day name but something exotic..like yours. I looked up your name and it seems to mean,"Existence " in Arabic or Swahili. I see it is pronounced like Asia by some. Is that your first name or your forum name?

I did call my son this evening for his birthday. I sent a box for the grandchild ..he is 5..and some things in it for his dad. He is a deep sea diver who works underwater projects ..like the oil rigs off Louisiana. His wife works the same as a diver. So now he is home for a couple months while she is on job location. It is dangerous work. I really don't like that she does it. That little boy needs his mother. They make a lot of money doing this work but no benefits. If there is bad weather or a storm, they don't dive and don't get paid. Not the best way to live stable life. Thanks for the BD wish for him.

Well, too bad you don't live in this area. Bet you would love to prowl through my trunk of the doll patterns and see the porcelain doll collection. It is a fun hobby and yes, anything with the dolls probably does well on Ebay.
You would be shocked how easy it is to list and sell just about anything on Ebay.
Good night and take care of yourself.

[ashyah]

Dear 1oakgal,

Yes, the going out was trying to catch up on lost time. I had about seven friends that I partyed with. They too had had children at young age and no husbands. I did get involved with a man at that time too. Kept a relationship with him for seven years. The thought of marrying him never crossed my mind and probably never crossed his since he never asked me. We lived in separate places. Sometimes I spent the night there sometimes he would spend it with me. He cheated a lot. And, because I was out partying with my friends I didn't take him seriously. Thank God I didn't get serious with him. I heard later that he became demented and took his own life.

Regarding my offer in compromise...after four years of struggling with the tax attorney I tried to fire him. He handed my file to his superior and then all of a sudden they were rushing me so. They submitted my case with 300 others to IRS . They offered a sum that I would have never offered because it is so low.So, it will be at least two months till we hear anything. It is nice to get that off of my shoulders except that it will affect my credit standing for a longtime.

You excite me with your writing about your dolls and dresses. I know that when you have a passion and love for what you do it will succeed. I work in the mortgage field and meet many people.I met a mother and daughter that had a shop where they made ceramics which they sold unpainted. They have tried to retire closed the store. But, they say that people don't let them retire so they are now running the business from home. They do very well. Have their house and garage full of equipment.

I too didn't attend the high school functions. As I never attended high school. I went and got my GED and attended some college courses later. I have also been in the nursing field.

I love the victorian era. I kind of decorate my place that way. Try to not have the heavy look though. On my lamps I drape sild fabric and have a big feather pen in my pencil holder.I have beautiful coffe cups that I serve coffee to my family when they come over. I tend to be a loner though and am having a hard time with this. I have many friends. I at first hang out with them a lot then later just shy away from them or they with me. I think maybe they sense something in me that drives them away. I need to not be concerned since it may change.

I did come from an island. The island of Puerto Rico . I am not indian. Am hispanic. It is such a beautiful place there. I have not been back there since 1968.And, during that time only spent four weeks visiting with my dad. When I visit again I want to stay for a couple of months!

Is your son an independant contractor? I too am one and often worry about what I would do if I got disabled. I have no insurance and no money to get any. I think when I file for divorce I should ask for judge to try to get my husband to help me with that.I pray that your son and daughter in law be safe in their work.

I did find a book at the library on how to sell on Ebay need to go now and pick it up. I have started to ask people around me to be on lookout for materials for my dolls. So, far the patterns that I placed a bid on have not been out bidded by others.

Have a good day. It has been raining here for last couple of days. I don't know if we are getting a little of what is going on in Texas.

[1aokgal]

Dear Ashyah...

Yes, the porcelain dol making was a lot of fun and time consuming. I bought many molds of the antique dolls and did what you call reproduction antique dolls. If an antique sold for $30,000 and they are very rare a collector would love to have a good copy priced maybe $500-700. Some get more for their work. It really depends on the skill of the person in the painting of them. You can also buy the kits already painted, put them together, costume and sell them.

I started with actual china painting..plates, vases, jewelry so that is why I bought the kiln. I fired the stuff myself. When I did the vases I bought them blank white from companies as Maryland China Company. I then painted and fired them about 4 times even to the 14K gold on them. I paid cost of the gold market. I have a lot of pretty pieces I did and since I lived in Europe for 3 years, I got really good at it. My work has been displayed many places and sold/displayed in galleries.

Then I got into the dolls and bought the molds which were real expensive. They are an investment as each can be poured many times to make the dolls and fired. I have a sweet building outside that looks like a swiss chalet. I really need to got through and sell most of these molds. There is a doll studio here in the next city and I should go visit her to sell them. Maybe put them in the local trading post for sale, a few at a time. Sure just take up space. I have really thousands $$$ tied up in the molds that just sit there. Time to put them out. They are wonderful to make up and costume. I have molds in 3 different sizes of one doll that is copy of a rare antique. It is fabulous.

My son is employed as an independent contracter when he works for each company with the diving. he is going through the Maritime union now and just got his license so he can get benefits and medical plan. That working he had the last few years was risky because there was no med plan. Now he will have that.

Ashyah, you could go to the post on the forum where I sent my website link as the business website, bustledress..which I gave you. My private email is on there.

The boyfriend you had sounds like the one I had for a 1.5 years. I was pretty crazy about him but he was not marriage material. Oh, he was a loser but a hunk. I was smart enough to get out of Calif. and went back home to Va. He asked me to return but he was a poor choice. My big romance was short but beautiful. This with a Spanish navy officer on a spanish ship that was in Calif. for a few months.

I can say I loved him. He returned that affection and we were shattered when he left to return to Spain. I was a divorced woman with a lurking X-husband, who was not a nice guy. He was very Catholic. He was wonderful and decent. We wrote for a long while.

I did not speak a word of Spanish when I met him. We dated with a small dictionary....plus an interpreter. Boy, did I learn the Spanish fast. I know it is silly, but I kept his few letters all these years in a small box in my trunk. I think it is time I purged them. I always wondered if he was happy. These a small moments in a person's life that makes us who we are today. I would call that rainbow moments because It was intense and wonderful.

Ah, so Puerto Rico...now I will have to read up on this. You also said you were interested in Spiritualism for a time? That is of interest to me as well because of my "perceptions" all my life. I disagree perhaps with the religion but agree with many of the belief concepts. Fascinating to read the history.

It would have been fun to have a Spanish friend here. I liked to keep fluent in the language but lost it after some years. My husband is German. My German is fluent. I think I was always attracted to foreign men. :-)

[ashyah]

Hi 1oakgal,

I would like to write to you from your email on your website if that is alright with you.

I am glad that your son is going to get his benefits. That is really wonderful.

I read your story about your spanish boyfriend. Then I got up and started making some coffee. And, will now go look for a fancy china cup to drink it from. And, will read again. I pictured you saying goodbye to him while his spanish ship was pulling away. Of course I am picturing the ship as one of those old ships you see in the movies. And, they come to our town they are called the tall ships have you seen them? The tour around the different cities. I pictured you in a victorian gown with a big white feather sticking out of your hat. And, a big fake beauty mark on your cheek.

So, you kept his letters? I have never had any man write love letters to me. I would have saved them too. If you want to let those letters go then do. In between dating the man below I met someone at a disco. He was a tall good looking guy. I am 5ft. But, he was mysterious. I didn't have his number didn't know where he lived. And, he would just show up unexpected. One time I was walking down the alley that led to my home. In Chicago they have alleys where the garbage containers are. They are brick lined. Like the old days.One time his best friend was going into the service and they wanted to go out for last time . And, girlfriends were included. He picked me up in a white continenta and he was dressed in a white suit. He had long hair. I felt like a princess. At the restaurant a girl that was with his brother told me I don't know about the guy you are with but, I suspect that mine is married. That started me thinking. But, all of a sudden he stopped coming around. And, I didn't know where to look for him.
For years I would have dreams in where I would be driving and run into him or something that let me know it was connected with him. And , I thought I wonder if some day I will meet him again. And , sure enough when I was selling real estate he walked into my office! He still looked as handsome as ever. But, those feelings were not there for me anymore.

That boyfriend that I talked about was not a hunk he was short. But, he was a musician and he took me to the dances that he played at. He flirted with the girls but, I was with the band ! LOL. One time I tried to make him jealous. I man asked me to dance and I did. But, someone had spilled food on the dance floor and my dance partner had had too much to drink. He was slipping and sliding all over the place. He probably thought he was doing well and I didn't want to show my boyfriend that I was giving up.lol

I have come back with my coffee in a pretty china cup . Since I don't have fancy jams I am having a crossant with peanut butter along with my coffee.

It is still raining here. And, is triggering my allergies. I used to suffer so with sinusitis it was debilitating. I used to have a farmette. Had sheep , chickens, ducks,goats and a horse. I also had a pot belly pig that used to live in the house with us. He went outside with the dog. Even in the snow. I used to rub baby oil on him. His name was curly.I get emotional when I think of those days. They were happy times. Not with my husband but, the children and the animals. But, they triggered my allergies so much I was constanly with headaches.

I don't remember talking about spiritualism with you. Yes, that is a big part of my culture. But, I stay away from that now. I am a Christian.In my old neighborhoods there was always a corner store. The spiritualists could not get licenses to practice . So, they would open a candy store and practice out of that. They would have a back room. My mother still practices it. I won't have anything to do with it.

I do know that God speaks to us. All along this time since I have been dealing with my separation God has told me to just be quiet about things. To not worry and ,just go about my daily business.I feel that when something is from him it will feel right. Just like right now I am feeling very good about starting the Ebay store. And, I know that he puts people in your path to help you get there.

I feel that you are one of t