Is it wrong or right to stay together for the sake of children

[kinmad]

Hello there,
I am a 37year who has been married for just shy of 10years.And to be honest things have not gone smoothly by any standards.We have a son of 6years old and i love him to bits.But i can't honestly say the same about my wife.But i am just wondering if i am doing the right thing here.
Basically i am here because i feel if we split up i would be abandoning my son and the thought of doing that scares the c**p out of me.I don't think access to him would be an issue but nevertheless......
Or should i leave and sort out some kind of access agreement?:confused:

[Raymond]

What sort of problems are you having Kinmad? These marriage problems are never onesided. there are probably areas in both your lives which need a bit of attention.

Raymond

[kinmad]

Pretty much the usual stuff.Affairs and general dishonesty.I am a little confused as my wife has said she wants us to stay together and makes promises of no more affairs or lies,but then i find she is up to the same tricks again.At first i was devastated but you kind of toughen to it after the third or fourth time.So now for my part i am unconcerned if she ran off with someone or not(at least that would be closure).All i am concerned about is my son.Whatever happens between me and my wife is secondary compared to his well being.
We never argue in front of him,or demonise each other to him,but he is pretty astute and i think he knows things are not good.Hence thequestion.

[Raymond]

The damage seems to have been done Kinmad by the affairs of your wife. It is no marriage with this going on. Unless there is a miracle turn around by her, the marriage seems to be dead. Just plastering it together for your son is going to far. Your wife has been betraying you. It's not just marriage problems, Adultery has been taking place here. Nobody wants to see a break up of a marriage especially not with a child, but neither do you want to live a lie. I cannot see how that would help your son. They are very perceptive in the spiritual realm although they cannot put words to it.

If it comes to a break up you just have to do the very best you can for him. I don't know how custody would work out. There may be others on here who would know more.

Raymond

[lanzarotedoll]

Hi Kinmad,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I've been going through a tough time over the last year or so too within my marriage. My opinion on whether you should stay for the sake of your kids is NO.

I recently found out that my husband had chatted up and met with another female on a works night out. We have been trying to work through it but it's not going well at all. I've pretty much made a decision to move on as despite there being no hanky panky involved, I find the deceit just as devastating. The difference here is that I as the female will be moving on with the kids so they will be living with me, with my husband seeing them on a regular basis. I don't have a problem with him seeing them, but I can see it is hard for him when we discuss things, as he feels that all this is going to affect them in a detrimental way.

I disagree. In the first instance, there will be a huge difference and most kids pick up on it. But having said that I think things will improve. You will be in a position to enjoy your kids properly without sniping and arguing or with there being an atmosphere at home. It will be hardest for the parent who does not have the children, but ultimately, it's them that you want to protect the most and they deserve to be in a happy relationship with both parents and not in the middle of a battlefield.

Apart from them being important, I truly believe that whatever a person does that's bad, everyone deserves to be happy in life. I'm not happy with my husband and we're see-sawing back and forth with will we split up wont we split up. It's probably going to be very difficult for you but your children deserve to be happy as do you.

Good luck.

[Dakereb]

I have stayed in my marriage "for the sake of the kids", but my situation is not the same. We had no infidelity, my wife just decided that sex was not going to happen. She's not a mean person, and we do not fight, so I decided that it was my place to sacrifice it for their sake. I am glad I did; my kids are 19 and 16 now and I am glad to be here for them.

But, your problem is infidelity, which involves lying and the accompanying disrespect. That disrespect will taint every interaction you have with your wife, and your child will pick up on it. If she is the aggressor, he will mimic her and feel little respect for you, at least until he is old enough to know better. The reverse is also true; if you show disrespect for her, so will he. If you both engage in sniping, well, he'll just want outta there. All scenarios are bad in that he will not have a model of a healthy, loving relationship to emulate. Move out, move on. If your wife has had multiple partners since your marriage, she would appear from here to be an unfit mother. File for custody. None of this is ideal, but the ideal is lost.

[Emmi]

I also stayed for the Kids, my Hubby didn't have affairs but he had a problem with porn and lies for about 18 years. Even though he hasn't done anything like that for the last 4 years now, my views and opinions of him totally changed and I could never see him the same again. We agreed not to seperate as we didn't want the kids to suffer a broken home,we never argued infront of them and were always civil to each other not realising till they were older that they knew something was wrong. Kids are smart and can pick up on the emotions (even hidden) of their parents. Were we right to stay together? I don't know, the kids are the only ones who can tell us how it affected them and luckily my kids know how much we love them and the problems were ours and not anything to do with them. They seem very well adjusted and have said they had a lovely childhhood, which means the world to me, but the problem we face now is, they are 20 and 18 and about to leave home, we have nothing between us ( we both love each other deep down, but too much has happened to even try to work things out) so how upset will they be now that we are going to go our seperate ways? Would it have been easier to do this years ago when they were younger, or will they handle it better now that they are older? Only you know your child, he will evetually work out things aren't right between Mum and Dad, you have to decide whether he will be better off with a Dad who will no doubt be happier that the tension and stress of an unhappy marriage has ended or a Dad who is trying to put a brave face on things when he is dying underneath.

Emmi

[Delilah]

I have to say my parents stayed together for a long time for the sake of me and my brother - it severely traumatised me for a long time.

You are only 37 and will eventually meet someone, your child will grow up and leave home and where will that leave you? More importantly, do you realise what example you both are setting for him. More often than not you will find that people's example of relationships is their parents - so what is your son learning from you both, that you dont communicate well, that you dont show affection? so although you are doing xyz now you cant set store that this will last as life continually evolves.

Things gradually worsened between my parents and it was extrutiating to watch and also realise that you are the thread that hold the tenous situation together - the guilt and misery. I was relieved when my parents split - ofcourse I felt anger, sorrow etc but it felt like a burden had been lifted.

A child should not be the only reason to hold your relationship together, you both have the right to happiness x