I don't know where we are..

[lovebeingme]

Its been 5 years after our marriage..and am not sure where we really are.
Every time there was something to compromise with, it was me who did it..
Looking rebellious but in the end putting out has always been my trouble..but tried being hard..and kept getting kicked real bad over and over again.

I am 27, and now feel like a 50. Fooled around with hubby to be, even though we are from a very orthodox family. But never crossed limits that would make us both regret if anything bad was to happen. After the marriage, found that he had a bad porn addiction..went to real long dry spells and super bad depressions while he jolted the bed every night, not being ashamed of the fact that I was right there!! Took 3 years of pleading to get rid of that.
Had 3 really lousy anniversaries..spent all alone, upset and crying..on top of that fighting..4th was a pity celebration and 5th was a threatened one..literally yelled at him a few days before the D-day that I was just going to give up hope if it was not going to be at least a decent one. And for the first time got a gift for myself on the anniversary. Pearls worth 30$.

By that time we decided we were not to go in for a child soon..and by we I mean HIM!!! I always had been shoved around by people who I thought were friends from my school days. trusted his soooo much..but ended up getting kicked real bad..lost self esteem..gained a lot of weight..for which I get regular prompt intimations from him again..as if I don't know it myself.

Never even bothers to watch a movie together at home..and he watches them on his big screen TV and his shiny player with all his precious collection of movies, and thats EVERY NIGHT..never even bothers if i might like something and we cud actually watch it together.

Have spent a considerable time in a foreign country all alone and rest being just used. Finally found real friends...
Was from a rather large family, dumped into sudden loneliness a month after the wedding.
He's never been so sociable either..always keeps to himself..but says its me who's is his strength..
But never thought, how much pressure I get on..compensating his ignorance, inability at times and immaturity most of the time.

I just thought if I was not the one to nod along, our marriage would just hit the bottom long ago. Did that successfully..
I know I love him and he loves me...
But, now found I might not conceive a child that easily..on medication..and as usual so many compromises from my side every time, its almost driving me nuts. After all these years together, he can't give up an hour of sports on saturday night, for a good night out with his wife.
Our sex life averages about 3 times p/m max..if I'm lucky..
I get so annoyed at him when he gawks at kids and comments they are so cute..i get so depressed about all of it..in fact a day to a park, sends me down the slope..just thinking, if he had not been a dog, we cud have had a kid by now of our own..without me having to go thru all this emotional and physical turmoil. And everytime I see a kid and wonder when we'll have one..his answer is not even "soon"..he manages to say "its your problem thats not letting it happen, I'm all good.." its really not that bad to listen to..but not every time..though it may be a fact.

I know we love each other..but not sure if we are happy..
Every day, its more like, we are just crawling thru cos of all the "its OK..all for greater good" nods from me..

We have not taken a vacation together in the past 3 years..

I really can't stand this marriage to break..but can't take the loneliness, the tensions, the responsibilities and him..all at once..
I just break down most of the days..
Don't have the words or the patience to talk to him about it anymore..
Can't even cry at the thought of it..and end up crying for no reason at all a few days later..

I am such a mess right now..have not been doing all that I loved..sewing, crochet, paper craft..nothing..just sit around, watching comedy clips and laugh aloud in an empty house..dont have the mind to visit friends or go shopping alone..so tired of it and scared what will happen if this continues..

I've literally pored out hell a lot of what just ran thru my mind..
Am so scared and blank half the time..

[Raymond]

Wow LBM. You are really going through it with all your problems.

For me the biggest problem is the pornography. This will cut right into the sexual intimacy you should have in marriage. It is really grotesque that he MB's in bed next to you. Who knows what images are in his head from the porn. There are a lot of threads about it on here but basically I see it as a kind of mental adultery. He probably came into marriage with this habit already established and I think it has reached a pretty serious stage from what you have described. In a sense you are sharing your intimacy with a lot of porn images. Sexual sanctity is fundemental for a thriving marriage. That stands out a mile for me. Get that right and a lot will fall into place. If you get him to realise that, progress can be made. It will be a battle for him though. Please don't let it affect your self esteem. It's not your fault.

I know you have problems about having a child and the being cut off from your family and friends. These can be worked on, but the porn is more fundemental to the happiness of the marriage I feel.

Reymond

[lovebeingme]

Thanx Reymond..

Thats exactly what I thought..I did get thru with that..but he'd been so cold to many other things..I just guess its going to be years before we really fall into parallel lines if not the same..

Its been a struggle and has just made me so tired of things..now every small thing looks like its going to be an ordeal.
But just thinking again - its all for greater good..wud not want to be too hasty to brand the marriage good for nothing..just have to work real hard!!
Just need a load of patience and strength to make the best of it..

[Raymond]

Did you say you got through about the porn or something else?

If it is with the porn that is a plus.

Don't try to take on too much. Go for one or two things at a time. You've got to last out in the long run you know. You need rest and recreation as well. You don't want to be run into the ground.

Maybe your husband needs to relate properly and needing encouragement to be a man. This porn thing is a cop out to relating properly to one's wife. Sex should always be part of relationship. Anything else is an abuse of that precious gift.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Dear Lovebeingme...

Hope you don't mind if I read your posting and feel very sorry that things have not gone as you hoped in your marriage and in your life. I have to also say.......You must get off this pity party and take control of the only thing in your life you CAN control......that is YOU. You are letting life happen to you instead of choosing paths that you can take to make things better.

Let us make an analogy about HIM. He is a COW. He seldom gives milk. He gives it on his terms. He is out in the field most of the time so you are alone. When he is in your part of the field , he ignores you and chews on cud and does COW things, right? You cannot drag his big COW body to where you want him to be. You cannot alter a COWS desire to chew cud. COWS do not even care and do some pretty nasty stuff right near you because he is an untrained animal who cares nothing for your space or your feelings. He has no couth. He is a COW.

When you want to celebrate the years being together he doesn't make a celebration because he has no feeling about things. It has also been pretty rotten so he does not see why you need the occasion to remember something best forgotten. COWS don't know how to celebrate. Get my meaning?

You wanted to conceive a baby. Was that because you wanted something to do? He would have been there for the moment like COWS do but his desire to chew cud means he would go off in the field and leave you all the work.

You want this COW to love you, but you do not love yourself. Now internal anxiety and problems are what makes external changes as weight because..... the eating is not what you are eating.......but what is eating YOU. Do you understand my meaning? So we do know that some changes can be made to make us feel better about ourselves and take pride in who we are.

You stop looking to someone else to validate who you are. You get into a TOPS group, worldwide weight organizaion, Weight watchers, or weigh in monthly with your doctor, or go buy a good scale with a BIG dial.

You make little changes every day. You don't eat 3 peices of toast for breakfast... you buy those good wafers instead. You eat no fried food. You have the potato baked not fried, eat the child portion size meals. (That is how I eat my weekly spaghetti..the kids portion.) You buy fruit and vegetables and if you cook for him eat yours separately. Choose to eat on a smaller plate. You go out for a walk in your area and try to find another to walk.

You change small things every day and spark up your hair and self.
Do not expect a big appreciation from HIM, he is just a COW. What do COWS know?

You can go online and get good diet ideas. Here is what you don't do. NO, NO,NO never think a child in a bad marriage is going to change a BAD marriage.

Say this aloud with me. This is a BAD marriage. I can make it better but it will not become a GOOD marriage.
You can make your life better...for you. Make it better for me too......because it is important to know that... you are not alone. You are never alone.

You say you love him. Why? You say he loves you? Where do you see that? Please, rethink these statements. Maybe you need to say this because you don't want to see you may have made a mistake? Take one day at a time and change your figure. Then you do the same thing to change your life. Maybe you will analyze what you have lived for the last 5 years and ask why you settle for that. At 27 you don"t SETTLE for a bad marriage. What about the next 30 years? Think what you say here. You seem like a lovely person and should ask for more for yourself. Maybe you will decide you need a man and not a COW.

YOU have the power to change what is today. You have the power to change what is tomorrow.
I have some changes to make as well and will work on my issues if you wil work on yours.

Warm regards

[lovebeingme]

Raymond,

I know the physical relationship is as important as anything in a marriage. But lately its like i am the one avoiding it..can't do much about it either..

[lovebeingme]

Dear 1aokgal,
I should say you've made a bunch of things pretty clear to me..I've felt the same way about him..only difference..I've put in quite some energy and time and patience and perseverance in training this COW. Cud do it to some extent and now I'm just tired. I know a child ina bad marriage will be no solution to it. And I know he loves be because I know it..in 5 years thats one thing I've been sure about. I can spend an absolutely perfect normal day with him without being reminded about the lousy stuff, so perfect its sometimes hard to just come out of it to reality.
But when its an important day!! its a total slump. Just don;t know why he does it..sometimes seems like his maturity level is of a 6 year old's. He has to have an ice cream when he sees one or if he hates carrots, i'll have to literally stuff it down his throat.

[Raymond]

LBM you sound very tired and discouraged. This will affect your libido I think.

On a plus side if he has given up porn that is a good sign. A sign that he is trying. If you both love each other things can be worked out.

Now that the porn problem is sorted what do you think is the biggest problem right now?

I think 1okgal is right about what is eating you. Can you say what the biggest problem is?

Raymond