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Hurt
7th December 2000, 02:39 AM
My husband and I have been married for 20+ years and have endured many things, but I believe this is probably the worst, and most destructive thing I have ever endurred. He had an affair on me once, but because I saw in his eyes and his heart that he was sorry and didn't want to lose me, I bit the bullet and give him another chance. This affair was purely a sexual thing and he was drunk when I caught them, there was no love involved, and I know that for a fact, but this internet lurr is so much different. I am not fighting one woman, I am fighting thousands of women! When we first got our computer he wanted to see what the chat thing was about. I did not feel comfortable with it, and told him from the beginning. I ask him not to send pictures and to never give his real name or where we lived. Well, he has told them his name, my name, my children's name, sent pictures, etc. I began to get really suspicious of what might be going on while I was at work and he was off for the day. I have snooped into his mail and checked IM's and I have seen some of the things that the women have said to him, and it literally made me sick at my stomach. Not because I wouldn't have said them to him, because I have a license to, , but once you have been married for as long as we have and the love I have for this man is so deep, I literally want to die when I imagine what he is thinking. I feel very distant from him, and like he has gave them something that was mine. Now that he knows that I know everything, I was hoping his love for me was as deep as it was the first time. I was hoping that he would say "Well honey, if it bothers you that much and you are that uncomfortable with me chatting, I will stop this very minute." Well he didn't. He continues to chat, not when I am home, but when I am working. I can't think at work, I just wonder what is going on in my own home. Is he talking seductive to someone? Are they him? Is he having sex at the computer? I have known that these so called "friends" have been a little more than friends for many months. I have kept everything bottled up inside of me, that I feel like I have no where to turn. I don't want to wake up in the mornings. I have serious thought about suicide. I drive down the road and cars are zipping past me, and I feel so lonely, and as if I am invisible and no one knows I am there. I don't want to put my kids through hell, but I want the pain to go away, and it isn't. I think he is so addicted he doesn't know how to stop and I don't know how to make him stop. Someone please help! I am so scarred that he is falling out of love with me and in love with his fantasies. Oh I wish someone could please help, but I know that no one can, no matter what is said! I just don't know where to turn--but South.

Kate
7th December 2000, 05:20 PM
Thank you for sharing your pain. Your problem is not uncommon and your courage in sharing will help others.
I hope you've found the area on the site that deals with cyber sex and internet addiction (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) and the one that deals with affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/).
I would really recommend you find someone you can talk to face to face or some online advice from some of the sites set up specifically to address this issue. We have a few links in the above area.

I think some, mainly men, get drawn into these relationships, because they think its a safe way to have an adventure, but don't realise how addictive it can be or how much harm it can cause. They pretend to themselves that it's harmless.

Have you been able to tell him how much you are hurting and how much it is upsetting you?

Do come back and post here again, if it helps. It's important for you to be able to express your feelings and know there are people out here who care.

hurt
8th December 2000, 01:35 AM
Yes, he knows how much it upsets me. He has taken off all his friends on his list except for about 4. Never the less, that tells me that these four are important to him, and one of them I know that he respects very much. When we were fighting about this, and I confessed that I had snooped, he thought the marriage was probably over and he said that he just might go see her. I don't know if he said it in anger at me, or if down deep inside he really would like to meet her. I feel like he really would, and that really hurt when he said that. He said he wanted to put this behind us and go on with our lives, but my gutt feeling tells me that something still is not right. When we are together, I wonder if he is imagining that I am one of those women. I guess I will just have to wait til out and see if our marriage is strong enough to survive. I have really thought that maybe I might purchase a monitoring device to record what goes on while I am gone. I know that is very deceitful, and I don't like being that kind of person. After all, that is what I don't want him to be, but I have just got to know if it is really ended. As far as I am concerned, it isn't. As long as there is internet service in our home, the problem is there. Sure, I could have the service disconnected, but that would only tell him that I do not have the trust there, and I would feel like I was penning him up like an animal. I want him to tell him, honey, I love you, I don't want to lose you, and I refuse to let this machine come between us. I don't know if that would ever happen, but that is what I am praying for.

Originally posted by Kate:
Thank you for sharing your pain. Your problem is not uncommon and your courage in sharing will help others.
I hope you've found the area on the site that deals with cyber sex and internet addiction (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) and the one that deals with affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/).
I would really recommend you find someone you can talk to face to face or some online advice from some of the sites set up specifically to address this issue. We have a few links in the above area.

I think some, mainly men, get drawn into these relationships, because they think its a safe way to have an adventure, but don't realise how addictive it can be or how much harm it can cause. They pretend to themselves that it's harmless.

Have you been able to tell him how much you are hurting and how much it is upsetting you?

Do come back and post here again, if it helps. It's important for you to be able to express your feelings and know there are people out here who care.