what should i do

[gambino]

i am a soldier serveing in iraq and before i deployed to iraq me and my wife left on not so good terms. trust has been an issues for a while, pretty much after i flirted hard with a female online not long after we got married. then after i deployed about 7 months later and bout 4 months into my deployment she cheated on me with a long lost friend and got pregant and had an aboration. now since i have came home in june she now goes to see the guy and spends night in the same city to get away from that stress that i cause while i try to explain how much i want your marriage to work. im now bettering myself as a person and now doin things that i never did before. but when she cheated feelings got involed and how do i try fixin something this deep in to our marriage? she says she loves me but is in love with him. she lives a life that i will never be apart of no matter where our life goes from here. i am soon to return back to iraq in about 2 weeks and she told me that we can work on things while im there and while im here but. the level that im currently on and by doin small things in the time i have left here i really don't think they will be able to match up with where he stands in her life. so the million dollar question is do i keep fighting to save our marriage or do i give up and face the fact that it is over. i say to her that we need to try and fx things but she says that why should "we" try if im the one who messed things up? how do i try to get her to help fix our issues? :(:mad:

[1aokgal]

Dear Gambino......

I am sorry to hear that things are so tense for you and the unpleasant issueswith your wife. You did not say how old you both are or how long married? Did you know her for a long time before the marriage?

So early in the marriage there were trust issues. Then there is her affair. Since you came home in June she goes to see him and gives you psycho-babble about how she loves you but is IN love with him. This whole scene must be ripping out your guts? I want to speak clearly to you which is what you asked here.

Gambino, here is how I see it. In two weeks you return to be in one of the most dangerous places on Earth. Since you have been home this short time you shared your wife with another man. She goes to see him and spends nights to escape the stress "you cause."

She has blown you off to her affair and tells you that when you are gone back to a war zone you can," work on your marriage." Gambino, I will answer your million dollar question..."Crap NO, you do NOT try to fix things!! You have ZERO< ZILCH< NOTHING to fix. I think you are being played for the biggest "patsy" walking.

I don't even get it that you had a cliff hanging love to begin with since you trolled the internet early in the marriage! That tells me there was something missing even then. A guy crazy about his wife dosen't play internet games. Agreed that was a dumb thing you did. When you really love another that does not enter the head. So there was REALLY something missing even then.

Then on your tour of duty you did the right thing and sent your allotment checks home to her, right? When you were out of the picture she cheated with another guy.....the old friend. Boy, that took character! That girl could not even be responsible so she would not get knocked up. Most girls over 16 know how to prevent pregnancy. So you never got from her what you should get right now..today. Here is what you got right now today......NOTHING.

If you had the RIGHT girl you would not sit there right now over this keyboard and tear out your heart over the woman who is a liar and a cheat.

It is hard to believe that you even found a woman so blasted EMPTY that she would let her man walk back into battle with all this running around in his head. You are like some ticking time bomb looking for a spot.... any spot.... where you won't keep your head down. That is all on HER.

Hey, even bar room tramps comfort a good guy who needs sex, companionship and comfort for the trek ahead when he is going into a war zone. You are a good man and do not deserve to be treated this way!! Now if you are anywhere where there is a place you can have a few beers and find a woman who is a REAL woman to spend some time with.... ...you go do that and with my blessings. Leave this one for HELL.

Do something else...Call your mom and tell her you love her.... and if you can spend time with any of your family who care about you...do that. Your mom would tell you what I tell you here.......you go find some comfort and you will get a better woman and more feeling involved than what you have there.

You do me this favor............You get her name OFF your insurance policy.... so if anything happens to you when you go into that hell over there with these bad feelings.....she does not profit by it. You hear me?

In your place I would cut her to the lowest allotment or NONE, if you can do it.........(let her boyfriend take care of her). You call and cancel all cards, joint accounts ASAP. Get her name off the car. Your pay can be direct deposited to a bank, credit union savings account with your mothers' name as benificiary. See that before you leave you make time with the legal officer to file divorce papers, as soon as it is possible to do so. Sign them before you leave if you can. You make sure if anything happens to you.... it is your family who is notified.

You really DON"T want this woman and you can't make her a decent woman. Here is what you NEED to do now .....get your body and your mind under control and know that this is not the life that the Lord had in mind for you. When you get back...and you will.....cause I bet you are one good soldier.... you work to find out more about yourself.

You think about WHY you asked so little of another and got even less. There are girls who stay in school and get college educations and have good jobs who keep themselves morally straight and look for someone with the capacity to love as you love...Honey, you just must have had lonely times and bought a fancy doll at the carnival. They are made of plastic and have no substance. Next time you find someone you can be proud to say this my wife.

That woman even murdered her own child because it was not convenient for her. The innocent baby was not the punishment for the crime of sex.... it was a real baby.

Gambino, you work on your mind set. Buddy-up for a little while before you leave. Do not drive too fast or drink too much or let despair rule your mind. I hope you can really accept what I tell you here ...you made a HUGE mistake and a stroke of a pen will get her name off your papers and out of your life. You deserve a million times better than that one.
Thank you for your service.
My heart goes out to you.

[val100]

Hi 1aokgal, as always very blunt and to the point.
I am in part agreement with youor maybe totally in agreement with you, not sure I am much softer I guess but you are right.

Ok G you flirted I presume explicitly on the internet and hell you were exceptonally wrong to do so, it does hurt the other person so deeply. We as women want to be our husbands every fantasy, we want you to only see us to desire us and to be blind to every other female around. Sadly these men are far and few between it takes us as women years to realise this and when we discover that it destroys abit of the romance and a bit of the perfection that we view our partners as having. So you took from her view of you as a man.
However you acted like a fool and I hope learnt that you cannot justify your actions and see it as something innocent because it was via the computer.

This all said, She has no right to treat you so badly. I do find it hard not to judge her after having an abortion as I see it as her way of erasing a mistake, she actually found the baby an innconvenience rather than see that her affair is wrong and she must save her marriage. So yet again an innocent child suffered because she couldn't or wouldnt behave and do the right thing.
You cannot save this marriage as long as she has contact and feelings for this other man. I presume you are well paid while on tour I would imagine as long as her lifestyle remains intact you will be dragged through the poo!

Iraq is not a pleasure trip, do you not think that as you fly off to that hell hole, Todays news says again what a mess this place is. you deserve to be loved and treated well. You could die and she feels stressed and must go visit him.
I had an affair something I am not proud of but let me tell you I wouldn't treat a rabid dog the way you are being treated.
Get your money into your own account do as 1aokgal says and let her realise that you will not be treated in such a fashion.
In my opinion and I hate to say this as I do not know your wife and it does take two to break up a marriage. Your Wife has no respect for any other living thing other than herself.
You leave and stay with people that love you before you head off.
Hire a lawyer and get your house sorted.
I wish you safety while away and i pray that this war will end soon as I believe the people both there and in America who are responsible are the ones not in any danger.
Peace love and safety are things we all deserve you are no different.
Can't believe anyone would pack someone off with such a heavy heart.
Come home alive and wel. please keep in contact if possible while you are away. I would like to know you are safe as would anyone
you are in my thoughts

[1aokgal]

Val100........

Well said, as always on your posts. I hope things are going much better for you today.
What a sad story for a soldier to go back to the war zone now after his time at home which should have been for rest and relaxation.

Val100, you are younger so you might understand better the allure on an internet flirtation. I have to say I don't get it! One dosen't even know if they flirt with a man or woman or who that is on the other end. I can't see the connection that breaks up marriages and relationships.

Likely, Gambino is an American and his duty/training instills the strong patriotic ethic to go to war for his country. I, an American, agree we need to soon be out of that battle area. I"m not sure why we should have been there in the first place. That is me and the rest of America...what happened there? People in the US need to vote and hope we select better leaders, better policy. Gambino is paid to fight.

A man has to believe what he fights for is right. Any soldier willing to put his life on the line has to know that those safe behind support and thank him for his service. He should not question why he is there.....that could put him at risk. More young men will return home with mental and physical issues because of the horror of the weapons and what they witness. We will have a generation of men who struggle to forget and have problems to live.

Like you, I wish Gambino had a wife who loves and will miss him and is loyal. Soldiers for generations leave a woman behind whose heart breaks to say goodbye. One who says his name on her lips through the day; one who offers prayers for his safety and who meets him on his return and helps him with what he needs to forget.
She is none of those things.
Let's hope Gambino has a wonderful family.