I met someone - should I tell?

[Yossarian]

Hello everyone... this is my first post here so thanks for listening.

I am 37, married for 3 years and have two kids with my wife.

I have like so many others, constantly thought I married for the wrong reasons - pregnancy, feeling like I "owed" my wife, feeling I should be settling down, and so on. My wife is an attractive and intelligent woman and a good mother, yet all these years I have carried an emptiness inside me where my love for her should be. We generally get along ok and even enjoy good sex for time to time... though do not think we have ever "made love" - it always feels like "good sex" to me; I never feel close to her afterwards...

Anyway I put a lot of these worries aside in the last few years as I love my kids so much.

But now I've gone and met someone and fallen hard for her. She is in a relationship too, but unlike me, while she admitted to having strong feelings, she was committed to her partner and wasn't willing to take things any further. All we did the few times we met alone together was have a few drinks, a magical few hours talking with each other and sometimes holding hands. We never even kissed.

The thing is I know in my heart that if she'd been willing, I would have had a passionate affair with her or left my wife for her. I've been around the block enough times to know the difference between infatuation and what could at least become love, and this as no infatuation (not to say it would necessarily have worked out/been perfect of course).

Which all makes me feel like a coward too. I feel like I don't have the guts to just leave my wife as I'm afraid of loneliness and hurting her and missing the kids and everything else. Again it seems to be fear keeping me in the relationship. But then if I could go off with someone else, it suddenly seems doable. I am a fairly moral perrson (or try to be) and find it hard to forgive myself for feeling this way.

Anyway, all that aside, I have decided I need to tell my wife how I'm feeling.

But shoudl I tell her about the woman I met??? I know it would hurt her but on the other hand any time I've explained my feelings to her before (not very often mind you) I feel she has either laughed it off or else said I was just depressed or whatever. Maybe telling her all this would make her really see there is a problem? Or will I just be making a bad situation worse by telling her?

Thanks for any advice....Y.

[Raymond]

My advice is to don't tell her and don't get into these other relationships. You sound like a disaster waiting to happen. Cool it. Work on your marriage. The next field always seems greener but that is just a deception. Your wife married you, gave her life to you, had children by you. A moral person would honour that and commit themselves to their wives. I counsel that you decide to love her with all your heart and not stray. Right decisions will produce correct feelings in the long run. Forget these films and whatnot which teach you different.

Raymond

[Yossarian]

Raymond,

Thanks for your reply.

I am not looking for another relationship and I have not been unfaithful to my wife.

I don't feel like a disaster waiting to happen either!

The point is that I have spend years "working on my marriage" (we've been together 8 years total) and I have never felt truly happy within it.

I am only wondering about the other person because i DO try so hard with my wife. I do work on it and I am committed to her. And yet I feel like I'm just acting a part. The "right decisions" never seem to produce the right emotions for how I feel about her. I just don't know what to do I guess.

Anyway thanks for the advice.

Yoss

[Raymond]

Sometimes the problem isn't always our marriages. Sometimes it is personal things we have to work through. I feel perhaps that you are putting too many expectations on your marriage and your wife. It is not entirely our wives responsibility to keep us happy. You sounded like you were hankering after a change and that is why I said you seem like a disaster waiting to happen. This is how adultery starts, from small seeds which grow and whole marriages can be ruined.

It is good that you are faithful and yes there are further things to be worked out in your marriage. You said you feel like you are just fulfilling a role and it may be that you are trying too hard and need to relax and enjoy things a bit more with your wife. We are changing all the time and your wife is changing. You are growing together. I think if you found the secret to make her even more happy than she is you will be fulfilled yourself. Don't give up. Keep working at it but don't overdo it as you need to have fun with her as well. It is good that you are committted. Don't lose that. It is very precious in these days.

Raymond