I can't take it anymore.

[twiggy]

I'm at the end, i just can't cope with the loss of my wife no matter how hard i try, i keep seeing pictures in my mind of her one day being with someone else and having children with another partner, it is distroying me bit by bit, i have dreams every other night about her leaving me and then coming back but when you wake you realise what you've lost, i can't go on anymore, i don't want to end my life but i must abmit the thought has been there, i just can't go on living without her as with out her lifes worthless and has no reason, i'm exhausted and have no get up and go, i'm spending more time in bed now as this tends to be a way of shutting the pain out, the only problem is i have to wake up, this is the problem i don't want to wake up next time.
I know no one can help me, no one can bring back my wife, i know someone on this site will tell me not to be so silly and move on but i can't, thanks for reading this though as it's nice to get your thought down in print.

[teacherman]

Twiggy
Rewind about 10 months and that was me. I went throught the same feelings and sensations you are going through. You are right no one can tell you waht to do and no one can make you feel any different than you do now.

But !!!!!

Let me say this. Things will get better. No one whether male or female is worth contemplating what you are thinking at the moment. Yes you are at rock bottom at the moment, I know , ive been there and beyond, but things will and do get better.

There have been lots of stories on this site of people in exactly the same situation as yourself, i was one of them. Take a look at my thread "Wife says she doesnt love me anymore" and have a look at my story.

You will see I came out of the other side with lots of help from people on this site. Now I am happy and moving on with my life. Dont ever think I will forget my ex wife but I have got over the heartache and pain the divorce caused.

Get up out of bed and find something to fill your day to take your mind off of things. Best advice I ever got from someone on this site was this - Everytime you imagine/think of your wife, picture a big red stop sign in your head and STOP the thoughts. It does work.

Keep posting, we are all here to help or just listen

Best Wishes

Teacherman (Tim)

[Yossarian]

Hi Twiggy.

What you're talking about is totally normal. I went through the same thing 10 years ago, it was devastating. It took me a few years to recover and until recently it still caused me pain. But it does get easier. You will make it through it - though that seems impossible now, you will. Don't believe you can just "move on" - it's a journey, a long, treacherous one, but at least you might see some things you've never seen before.

Good luck

Yoss

P.S. I like the idea of the stop sign!

[twiggy]

Thanks for that, it isn't helping that the fact that this has happened before, it took 7 month for her to come back last time, and i'm holding on to the fact that she may well come back again this time, the difference this time though is we're now married and have a house together, when i'm in the house it's her, some of her stuff is still here and we have to house rabbits, one of which needs cleaning often but i can't do it on my own and she knows that, she's even suggested popping in once a week to help me with it, i have mentioned about rehoming them but she will not have it, i don't want to rehome them as looking after them seems to give me a reason to live.

[paul&nic]

Hi Twiggy,

I really feel for you. It's awful that you feel so bad. The only experience I have of anything like this is when my dad left my mum - she was in awful pain for a long time, but she did get through it eventually. She took each day as it came and got herself out of bed to go to work - that in itself helped. Be easy on yourself, and accept that this is going to hurt and will take time to get over.

Just a suggestion - could you put all of her things that are still in the house into bags or boxes and put them in a room and close the door so you don't have to look at them? Just having them out of the way may help. And regards to the rabbits, do you have a friend or family member who could help you clean them out? As much as I'm sure your wife is trying to help you by offering to help with the rabbits it ultimately won't help you. You need to look after yourself Twiggy. Try and find something else to help you aswell - do you have a favourite sport? exercise? I always find running helps me when I'm stressed or feeling down.

Keep your chin up Twiggy. I'm thinking of you.

[twiggy]

Cheers for that, as for the rabbits it's not the cleaning out that's the problem but one of them gets a bit dirty around the rear end, when my wife was here she would hold him and i'd shave the dirty bits, problem is he kicks out with so much force that i can't do it on my own, the other day i tried rapping him in towel and he kicked out ripping one of his nails off, next thing i've got is blood all up the walls and one very panicked owner, quick rush down to the vet, all's ok now but it just highlights the problems i have now.
I guess nothings impossible but for some stupid reason i don't feel right asking for help with them.

[twiggy]

As for packing her bits up that's a hard one, her tooth brush is still next to mine in the toothbrush holder as i type, if i look behind me i see all her expensive teddies in the display cabinet (maybe i should sell um!!!), i guess packing all her stuff up makes it more final, but it's not just small items it's things like the furniture, the spot she'd sit in on the sofa, errr!! i know i'm making this harder for myself. I've just got back from a drive in the car because i had to get away from it, i even text her yesterday asking if she'd come and stay and look after the rabbits and house for awhile so i could have a break from it all, i'd love to get away at the mo god knows where i'd go but it'll be nice just to have sometime away, it's ok for her, she just walked away and has no worries, me i'm stuck and can't move, i'm still off work and have been now for just over a month so i'm worried about that, even know i can take 6 months off with full pay.

[paul&nic]

Don't be hard on yourself Twiggy! You're going through an awful time, be gentle. You shouldn't be afraid to ask for help - what would you say if a friend were in your situation? Probably something along the lines of "if there's anything I can do to help...."

Packing her things up wouldn't make it more final, it would just make it easier for you without seeing everything all the time. Why not clean the toilet with her toothbrush then give it her back?!! Just kidding, but I'll bet you're smiling now!

What did she about looking after the rabbits? Are they your rabbits or hers? If they're hers, can she not take them with her?

If your work are ok at the moment with you being off, then take the time for yourself. Of course, you can't stay off work forever, and maybe being at work would help, but for now, you must do what you are comfortable with, and whatever makes it as easy as possible.

Take care Twiggy.

[twiggy]

That was great about the toothbrush thing and me smiling now, i have to admit my eye's are alittle wet at the mo, it's the first time i've laughed for sometime, thanks, thanks alot you've picked me up a bit with that one even know i couldn't do it to her.:eek:

[twiggy]

Just out of intrest your username is Paul&nic, are you single or are you with someone as most users on here seem to be going through the same as me, i guess you are Paul and your partner/wife is called nic, what's your storey if you don't mind me asking.

[paul&nic]

I'm glad I made you laugh! Laughter is the best medicine, apparently!

I'm not Paul actually! We, Paul and I, logged on over a year ago as we were having probs within our marriage. We sorted them but I, Nic, have logged back on recently as I want another child and Paul doesn't. We already have two children and I've gotten to a broody stage of my life after being told my family needs to be complete before I have an operation in 18 months time. Paul does not want another baby, and I do.

So, if you can't put her toothbrush in the toilet, how about putting her expensive teddies in with the rabbits?

[twiggy]

I was just about to say i read your post, as for the bears, umm!! i'd rather sell um £2500 pounds worth i think, going back to your post about children well it was back in Feburary when my wife kept going on about wanting kids, i stupidly kept saying "oh no i don't want children", i did really want children but i just wanted to wait awhile, she knew deep down that i want them even know i kept saying i didn't, i still can't help but think that this has played a big part in why she's left and the funny thing is i want her children more than anything in the world now and it hurts so much, when i last spoke to her on the phone which would have been two weeks ago now i said that i would love to start a family with her and her reply was that she didn't want my children, god that hurt big time i'll tell you.

[paul&nic]

Hi Twiggy,

Sorry I haven't been on since Friday, our internet was off Sat afternoon until this morning.

Gosh you're in such an awful situation. Please don't blame yourself for your wife leaving. The children part may have had some bearing on her leaving again, but if she has left once before then there are probably other underlying issues there. Maybe completely cut yourself off from her for a while? Take up a new hobby?

You may have to face the fact that she won't be coming back, and if that is the case, why put off the inevitable? You deserve a happy life Twiggy and if this is the second time her putting you through this, it may not be the last if you did ever get back together. It will be hard for you, but surround yourself with loved ones and take each day as it comes.

Take care Twiggy.