PLEASE HELP! I want another child, my husband doesn't

[paul&nic]

I wonder if someone can offer any advice?

My husband and I have been married for two years, and have two children - a girl, 5, who is my daughter from a previous relationship and our boy, aged 3.

I need to have an operation in 18 months time and have been told to be sure our family is complete. This has got me thinking and I've decided I want to have another child. My husband has said he absolutely does not and wants to have a vasectomy.

I am distraught to say the least. We spoke about this last night and it all ended with an argument.

Some background to our relationship: We stupidly never really discussed children before we got married - our son was "a happy accident"(!) but when I fell pregnant with him my husband wanted me to have a termination as he never wanted children - slightly confusing messages considering I had a daughter and he knew about her from the start. We were on the verge of splitting up as I couldn't go through with a termination when he suddenly announced he loved me and if we loved each other we could get through anything.

We have had a difficult marriage with bankruptcy, depression and my mum dying filling our first two years of marriage. We somehow got through all this though and these past six months have been wonderful between us.

I have always wanted more than two children. Husband is absolutely adamant he doesn't want anymore, and wants to have a vasectomy. We did discuss this about a month ago and he got so upset I told him nothing was worth him being that upset so I'd have to live with the fact that we wouldn't have any more children. I've tried accepting it, but just can't, I want another child more than anything.

Do I be happy with what I've got and move on? I'm starting to resent him already for not wanting another child. We have had such a difficult marriage a small part of me wonders whether we should just call it a day and move on separately, there always seems to be something standing in our way.

I don't want to bring a child into the world he doesn't want, but either way one of us won't be happy with the outcome.

Can anyone, someone please offer some advice? Thank you.

[Raymond]

I think your unity is more important in this P&C. This has to be a joint decision. My gut feeling is that you have to go along with his wishes. If there is a happy accident fair enough, but that's up to him.

Apart from that you cannot really force the issue and have to respect his wishes and adjust your life to that. It is not worth you splitting up for it. Make your peace and submit to him. Who knows what views he will have if the fight is taken out of it and he doesn't have to be on the defence.

Raymond

[paul&nic]

Thank you for your response Raymond.

I'm just so upset, I always presumed we would have another child, and in a selfish way I just think - "why should I have to be the one to miss out because he doesn't want any more children". It really is a female thing and something men wouldn't understand - no disrespect Raymond.

I know I can't force the issue with him but I resent him already and know that this is going to cause yet more upset in our lives. How do I deal with the resentment whilst keeping a happy marriage?

I'll talk some more with him tonight - and no arguing.

Thanks again Raymond.

[1aokgal]

Paul&nic

Why do you want another child? Are you a stay at home wife?
In todays world it often works better if both are employed when the children are in school and the young children are launched.
You are married two years and should be all about each other and not about a bunch of kids!

I see you seem to get your identity from being a "mother." What about further education or some kind of training for you? At the end of the day he says," How was your day." You say ,"junior is teething." REALLLLL interesting! Do you see how men and women can grow apart? When you stop growing as your OWN person you become a dull and uninteresting companion.

How about the fact you are a couple and without another child he gets more of your time? Do NOT get PG without full agreement of both. You did know about this in the beginning. Frankly, I think you need to think about who YOU are and don't define your existence by your uterus.
Who has to supply all the money to raise these children and educate them? Him? Unfair to put that on your partner.

Please, rethink this situation.

[Raymond]

I do sympathise with you PC. There is something hard to fathom in your husband wanting you to terminate a legitimate pregnancy in the past and I realise there is something not quite right going on whatever it is.

I was looking at your marriage as a whole which is supposed to be a partnership and I can't quite square it with that.
I hope you can persuade him.

Raymond

[paul&nic]

1aokgal, my god you have a lot to say for yourself. Yes I am a stay at home mother, I love being a mum and want to expand my family. I DO NOT "define my existence" by my uterus. I am thinking of going back to education once I decide what I want to do.

My mother stayed at home and raised myself and my sister as did my husband's mum. We decided early on that I would stay at home with the children. That's what some couples decide to do!

Yes my husband brings the "salary" home, but I have a lot of savings which I can dip into as and when I want to. And as for getting pregnant without his agreement? Pretty impossible!


RAYMOND THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU.

[paul&nic]

Raymond,

Thanks for your response. We have spoken tonight and he absolutely does not want another child. I am absolutely devastated and do not know how or even begin to get through this. I resent him already and can't even look at him.

I know some people would tell me to be happy with what I've got, which I am, but being told I have to be sure my family is complete before this operation has made me think and I for definite do want a larger family. I obviously do not want to try and persuade my husband and then have a child he doesn't want and him resent me, but on the same hand he hasn't even taken my feelings into consideration.

I just feel so torn. How do I get through this? This is not a partnership decision.

Thanks again. Nicola

[1aokgal]

Dear Nicola.....

Funny how one will ask for advice and hear only what they want to hear. Your husband has good common sense. You mentioned financial problems that included bankruptcy. Two people who work together can make it a little easier in todays world. My daughter was 3.5 when I returned to the university/work. It was easy with two incomes to live better. My husband appreciates the partnership.

I suggest you read again the advise I posted to the man whose wife and 3 young children ran to a shelter to escape conditions in the home. A shelter is no luxery hotel. Clients are not give relocation without proof there are some serious issues there. She has now a safe location and the legal assistance she needs. It is not the first time she ran to get into a shelter.

My background is years of education/training in social work. Then I was a counselor on a suicide crisis line while I completed two degrees. Life for me is prosperous with a beautiful home mortgage free, many years married and grown children. Takes a bit of experience to weather all things. I had a health condition that required a hysterectomy. We all have a lot of feminine issues about this surgery. My daughter actually gave me a few funny lines that made me feel better.

I hope your health condition is resolved. That is most important issue. Sorry that a decision is forced on you by the need for surgery. It is not the end of your being a vital woman because you will have no more children. You may want to get some counselling for that part. If you can...talk to your mother. She will give you good advise.


Good luck to you. I don't take your posting personally. You seem very young. I hope you don't end up with a bitter marriage over this issue.

[Raymond]

I think this operation is putting pressure on the situation as well Nicola. Is it necessary to have it that quickly? Your desire is a good one and your calling is obviously to be a good mother at home. One size doesn't fit all, some go out some don't.

It is a very difficult situation because of your husbands opposition, but you cannot let it destroy your marriage by resentment. He will learn how important it is to you without you pushing it or being resentful. Hopefully he will change his mind. This type of thing must be left in God's hands. I will pray for this and pray for your healing as well.

Raymond

[paul&nic]

Iaokgal.

I don't hear what I only want to hear, you have read my thread and made your own incorrect observations about me and this situation. I am extremely happy to be a mother, I have no desire to shove my children into daycare and let someone else raise them for me. I will return to education when the time is right for me and my family. And in any case, if I returned to work now, who looks after the children in all the holidays school and nursery give?!! I am not that young, I am 30 years old.

We now do not have any financial problems.

I cannot speak to my mother about this because she died last year - you clearly didn't read the original posting properly!

Don't respond to this, please. You clearly cannot see what advice I am asking for.

[paul&nic]

Hi Raymond,

Yes, this operation is putting pressure on this situation. I am having the op in Jan / Feb 2010 and don't really want to leave it any longer than that. But in any case, this situation would have arisen anyway.

I'm already feeling resentful toward my husband. I don't want to but just can't help the way I feel, as he can't. I'm unsure how to resolve the resentment?

What will be will be, I'm sure we'll get through it.

Nicola.

[Raymond]

Anything can happen before that time Nicola, but it is wise to believe for the best but be prepared for the worse and not be resentful. On the other hand things can change, he can change, you can change. I prayed this morning for your healing and your situation. I don't normally do that on here so something is happening I feel. You may even want to adopt at a later time if the desire is that strong in you.

Raymond

[paul&nic]

Thank you Raymond, that is very kind and thoughtful of you.

Nicola.

[1aokgal]

It is a natural for women to desire children and to enjoy their children especially when they are young. I was home for the early years so my children were school prepared and had a bond to their mother. When a young mother can remain at home that is the best course. There are times with the cost of child care today when it makes no sense to work outside the home. Never did I intimate that all women must work or that a woman who remains with the children is valued less by the contribution.

Our society would be in better shape if more mothers could remain with the children until they are school ready. Latch key kids have safety issues and do not do as well as a kid who comes home to a mom. Unfortunately, many couples today can"t make it on one salary. Debts must be paid. There is also the other roles in which women contribute today their abilities........ in addition to being a mother as teachers, doctors, policewomen, soldiers all of which requires dedication and training.

I read well the early post. I and 90% of the world's religions believe that our loved ones may pass but are now accessible in spirit. I know what my brother might say about different subjects. I will always feel close to him as I also keep his school ring in my jewelry box. When I place it in my hand I can see him in cameo as he was in many fine moments. Some time in future I will gift it to his oldest son. His high school sweetheart, who I know well, returned it to me as a gift after he died suddenly.

When someone contributes to a forum thread it is generally done with good intent. The time involved is taken from something else. One with education and courtesy can accept advice which is helpful and dismiss that which is counter to his own feelings. You know nothing of my observations. Initially, I was sympathetic when I posted but I can now understand why a man might desire to have no more children.
This forum belongs to no one person and one is free to post.
The free exchange of ideas should always be treated with respect.
Your response is unnecessary.

[paul&nic]

1aokgal. I am educated, and respectful. I wouldn't be married to a wondeful man if I wasn't. Why do you feel the need to write such things? Because I don't agree with what you say?

I appreciate any response on here. Anyone with a life could well be doing something else rather than coming on here to take time and offer advice. But, your responses, I felt, were inapproriate and at some point belittling me for wanting to be a stay at home mum for the time being - see your initial response. I know that I am lucky because I am in a situation where I can stay at home for as long as desired for my children. I brought them into the world and want to give them the best possible start from myself - my mother and my husband's mother did the same.

I came here to ask for advice because I want another child and my husband does not. At no time did I want advice on anything else. There is no hidden agenda within my message, my ask for advice was simple.

You and I are two very different people, which is becoming clearer with each post. I also asked, more than once for you not to respond to me again as your threads were not helping - and you chose to ignore this.

[1aokgal]

Dear Nicola...

I was sympathetic to your situation when I posted. You are the age of my daughter so we have a generation gap but we are all women and not so wide apart in feelings. I apologize for my initial post which was perhaps (as I reread it) abrupt, but not mean or meant to be personally critical or unkind. I did not infer that women should all be out in the working force. That was your interpretation. You seem to be an angry person.

I told you about some personal things similar to your story. I thought you might see some empathy there. When I had to leave my daughter with a great care giver at 3.5 I often cried as I pulled out of the driveway. There were times when I was irrational enough to think the little kid preferred to be with her than her mother. I searched hard for a women who was fantastic with my child and here I felt guilty because the child liked to be with her. Most choose to work because it is simply not possible to live on what one person in the household earns. My daughter grew to be a responsible loving person and now about your age.

I told you I had a surgery that ended my child bearing years. Good that this surgery ends possible cancer causing but it is not a choice most women feel good about. There is the depression many have and I was down as well and for sure was not 30 as you are to have it. Your health is most important.

You asked why did I return the posts? You just felt a reply was necessary. I never posted personal insults that would stand on a national website. I did not say direct that you are "nasty and insensitive" or you are a "bitter and twisted" person which is a legal TORT and Defamation Of Character when posted on the internet.

It was alright for you to post this without knowing me but I should not say perhaps I can understood your feelings.....which I did say? Which one of us has been rude and unkind?
Because I had many similar things happen I did not feel we were such "different people."
In no way did my concern for you merit that response.
Perhaps I need to make better use of my time and no longer post here.
Too bad as I made a few friends.

[paul&nic]

1aokgal. Thank you very much for apologising. Your first post was abrupt, and it upset me deeply. I am in a situation I never thought that I would be in and when asking for help about this, received your response which upset me even more. I am not an angry person, but I felt you were belittleing my being a stay at home mum. I understand now that you weren't.

I've spent the past few days in a "bubble" feeling numb, dizzy, and that part of my future has been taken away from me. I simply came onto this site for some friendly advice about the situation. And to be honest, it hasn't really helped! (and I do not mean that in a horrible or unappreciative way) I feel slightly better today as I had a good long cry last night and released my emotion and frustration.

My husband doesn't want another child, he is happy with the two we have and feels no need to have another. I quite clearly feel the opposite! I'm sure it will sort itself in time.

I apologise for calling you these things when firstly, I do not know you, and secondly, when I was so upset. Like I said, your post came across as being more than abrupt which is probably why I said what I did - we all say things in the heat of the moment surely?

My operation isn't a hysterectomy, but is for cancer prevention. So maybe looking at it we are more similar than I think.

So, thank you for taking your time to respond to me, we have clearly gotten off on a bad footing on here.

[1aokgal]

Nicola.......

You cannot believe how upset I also was that my post was abrupt and not well thought out. I meant to help and not hurt your feelings. Never was it a criticism of the stay at home mom part......I absolutely can understand that issue. Most women can't afford to work. It costs too much for clothes, car, transportation, taxes unless they have a great job. I would see my paychecks after deducts and say,"Good God, and I worked 55 hours this week?" That was a sad issue for me. There, again, we are women alike in that we mean well and it can go awry.

There are two issues here you face. One is a surgery and the second is how he feels about another child. You feel you might have time to have another child. In my case a hysterectomy was done for the deterioration of cells (heading toward cancer.) They did a biopsy..and it COULD have been positive. Suppose you had a biopsy and were pregnant and it was positive? Or suppose you had a real young baby and it did not go well? You would not want to have your child brought up without you? If you now have health problems a pregnancy sure would not help that, would it?

The second issue is how your husband feels. I think that has upset you most. Perhaps you fail to analyze the picture/risks of that health situation as much as he weighs it out.

Forgive me for this but here is this truth......you are married two years. Marriages today fail at a 50% rate and a equally high ratio one could be widowed. You, alone, and three children to raise? If you were together ten years than you have a longer track record to see if that is a good idea. Unfortunately, your surgery decides there.

My daughter is 32 and she is raises my 10 year old grandchild with split custody between her and the father. Now I was amazed at what a rock he seemed but by the time the child was less than a year old it was pretty much over. We cannot forsee these events. Thank gosh, she has a great job for years and benefits. That child has had a host of problems including a septic inflamation that went into her neck and had surgery. That is a $10,000 event so good thing she has health benefits. He is a better father than a husband.
He has married again...the other woman.

You said your husband is a darn nice guy but just did not want more children. You have a man who is truthful and lays his heart out there. He loves your child and the one you have. I would set him no test to that love. You can spend wonderful times together and that is the seeing things positive part. He loves his family.

It seems all these factors make it no decision but a done deal. Now...you just need to analyze it all and count the blessings that you do have. Some years ahead if you still want another child there are so many sad kids who need foster care. There are adoptions or foreign adoptions that work easy. A neighbor of ours..her daughter..adopted a precious little year old girl from Serbia. She never had married and had a good job and wanted a child and worked it out through a church affiliation.

Right now, Nicola, make yourself a priority list and write down the most important issues first. I hope you can make peace with the issues involved. I hope you understand I really regret that any post of mine was insensitive. Not my intent.

For myself, I have very serious heart dysfunction (6 procedures in 5 years). One in the famous Cleveland clinic that lasted 10 minutes. A very famous doctor charged $95,000 and not all paid by a health plan. I had a test this month and my heart is huge. So life is shorter for me. When one has atrial fib any upset gets that baby on a race track. How do I feel about it? Only scared sometimes, when I read someone just died from this. Five days ago a TV jounalist dropped dead of same condition. Truthfully, I think mine is worse but stress got to him.

I was upset for about 3 days. So I do the things I want to do with limitations about real hot days and such. I walk the dog every few nights. I feel a bit guilty my closets are not so neat and my husband might get stuck with that. I need to fix them. He has gone for 3 months but returns late July.
Thank you for your very nice post.

Best Regards
Claudette

[paul&nic]

HI 1aokgal.

Thank you for your mail, I've been thinking about it all day and only responding now as I needed time to think.

I need to explain the operation......There is A LOT of breast cancer in our family, my mum died of it last year aged 54. My granny has had it, her sister had it, her mother had it, her aunty had it....and it goes back through the generations. It is a horrible horrible disease.

Myself and my younger sister are at high risk of contracting the disease. I am at the moment completely clear of it - I have yearly checks with the hospital and in April I had an M.R.I. scan on both breasts - this is a new screening programme brought in in England for women at high risk, once they hit the age 30. Mammograms on younger women aren't as effective because the breast tissue is so dense it wouldn't be clear enough. So, I have been in a lot of discussion with my GP, doctors at the hospital, specialist nurses etc. One option for me (and my sister) is to have both breasts removed and then go on to have reconstruction. But for this to happen I must be sure my family is complete....This is where my current "problem" has arisen.

After a lot of discussion with my husband, I am choosing to have this operation (with his complete support). I saw the surgeon in January and she said "you must be absolutely sure your family is complete before you have the operation" And this is where my mind starting thinking, "actually, I'm not sure this part of my life is over". In all honesty I'm not sure of the medical reasons I can have no further children but during the operation all of the breast tissue, cells, nerves are taken away.

It may seem drastic to some to go through such an ordeal at a young age. Sometimes I forget about the operation and impending appointments I have. Then I'll see a lady in the street with a head scarf on - clearly a patient of chemotherapy - and my stomach turns - I must have this operation, I have a choice (and so many women don't) - I can reduce my risk to almost nil by having this operation. I wouldn't have the "breast cancer black cloud" hanging over me (there is obviously no guarantee I would never contract the disease, but my risk would go from being very high to virtually nothing). I did speak with my mum about this operation about six months before she died. She said "if I had had a mastectomy in the first place I may not be in this situation now". (When mum died it was her third "lot" of breast cancer and it had spread through her body). She also said she'd support me whatever I decided.

Now, I love my family dearly and I do not want to put them through what we just went through with my mum. My family and of course myself are the reasons I want this operation. I want to see them grow up, have children. My mum never saw my daughter's first day at school. That was hard. She knew she wouldn't see it, so when she was in the hospice I bought my daughter a school uniform and took her to see my mum in it. That made her really happy.

Back to the children...I know I am lucky to have two such beautiful, healthy children. I know this. I am in some cases in a fortunate position. I can stay at home for them, and will go back to education either this September or next. I don't know if my husband will change his mind about having another child. I know seeing me so upset the other night upset him, I'm not sure he really understood how much I want another child.

If he doesn't change his mind, there really is little I can do. I'd rather, obviously, be with him and not have another child than separate just to fulfil my desire to become a mother again. I am very lucky to have such a husband. We communicate, he is honest, faithful in every way, kind and caring. He makes me laugh so so much! I just have to find a way to overcome the desire of having another child. My husband has suggested buying me a puppy....!!

I read about your heart dysfunction with my mouth wide open. It is just awful. It must limit what you can do, surely? Are you scared? Where is your husband at the moment? You must miss him being away so long.

I heard about the tv journalist that died recently, such a young age, awful.

Thank you for your mail, I'm sorry I've wittled on here. I kind of started and couldn't stop!

Nicola.

[1aokgal]

Dear Nicola...

Thank you for trusting me with your story. Thank goodness you told me because I can have some input for you.

Oh, I am so sad for you that you have this hanging over your head. Then to have gone through this with your mother brings that fear very close. Really sorry you lost your mother. That is so major. Now I am going to tell you a long story in hopes some it will help you.

I am concerned that you get another opinion on the course of action you discussed. Let me tell you why. When I was about 30 I had the breast cancer scare. one year I had a lumpectomy and next year the other breast and, of course, the biopsies. I laid on a stretcher next to a woman my age and we waited to get our lab results. Hers was positive!
Now at that point we had a family friend who had many cysts like mine removed maybe 6 surgeries. Each time they removed them they stimulate others to grow. the next year she got cancer and died.

Doctors then chose to do a tissue replacement on me inside the breasts AND I got silicone implants. Yes, they call that a therapeutic mastectomy so it was all covered by my insurance. Well, I looked beautiful and the cysts were removed and I was safer. Two years later I had to have the implants removed as they calcified and they replaced them a 2nd time. The first set were DOW implants...remember the class action suit that dragged on 15 years? I was in it. Yes, I did get a settlement.

The 2nd set calcified within a few months and because my health insurance had changed with my husbands work they would not pay for the removal. They viewed it as cosmetic. Every day I was in pain. If I had saline it would have been better but still the outer parts were silicone...not safe. The stuff turns to jelly in the body and distributes to the rest of the body. I have been through THAT one as well. So ...anyway...for 8 years I lived with a deformity and pain. It was noticeable when I turned to the side.... deformed.

Then 5 years ago the insurance changed and paid the costs to remove these implants and do breast reconstruction all in one surgery. I went to a fabulous doctor who does breast reconstructions for women who had breast cancers removed. Since I had two surgeries there it was pretty much a mess. . He used my breast tissue skin to make the sweetest set you ever saw. I wanted them small so 36B. The underlying nerves, etc. all left INTACT. I lost NO sensation, They are better than new.

If you can find a doctor who is like him who leaves the nipple intact (lifts it)and rebuilds you with your own tissue you are much better off than to take risk of putting in implants even saline ones. My boobs are like a teeny boppers........just fine!!

If implants are put in you may have a good result at first but no guarantee as they calcify, they can leak, they migrate around and they are STILL made of a silicone envelope. Do not even go there. So if you interview several doctors AND say I want to see the photos of what you have done then you likely will come out with better boobs than what you have now AND get rid of the risk.

I nursed 3 kids. Those boobs were not great after that but my set now are FINE. SO I have no inner tissue to worry about lumps or cancer which is what you want. Your mission is to go interview MORE than one surgeon, see photos and ask for references. Sometimes the patients will allow their names to be used. But for sure you want to see the photos.

So, you see, again we have much in common.
I really highly endorse this course of action for you especially as you are that high risk. BUT only if they LEAVE your nipple after raising it and NO implants. Listen, you will LOVE those things when you get to the other side of this. Just the best thing. They clean out all the tissue. Yes, if you were to get pregnant later then there are breast changes, that is true. Yes, if you were pregnant before there are breast changes.

You MUST think about your sweet children and your blessings and do NOT risk breast changes. You do not want to leave your children motherless. You are seeing the glass half empty and it is really half full. Think of the surgery as a beautiful makeover BUT you must get the right surgeon, OK? It was only a matter of time for me, I would have had cancer growing the damn cysts. The neighbor who had so many times these removed died a few years later. If she had the cysts removed and the tissue out she would have made it.

Most doctors give free consultations so you just go find what you need. The disese I had of breast was fibrocystic breast disease which meant like grape clusters the cysts would continue to grow and then cancer was a matter of time. It was so bad at times I bled from the nipple a brownish fluid. Oh, yes...I have been there and done that!!

So , don't you worry about that surgery. You will look all Hollywood later. You must use your best sense to see all that you have and do not desire to do more than make yourself and family very happy. Don't put a head case on your husband. He is scared to death he will end up with NO wife and raising kids. You have a great shot at a wonderful life, my girl. I am very hopeful the burden will be lifted as you feel all this stuff going around in your head now.

Maybe you can get away a day and hole up in a place somewhere ...just the two of you and have great sex and do not talk or think about these thoughts. Heck, that surgery is NOTHING.

By gosh, I may go raise my shirt in front of the mirror right NOW and appreciate how nice those puppies look! There are women my age who have them at the waistline and mine look ...well almost virginal...yep...that good! So you whistle all the way to surgery as you will get a pretty new...and better newer set. Your husband will LOVE them.

Yes, the journalist that died is the one who had my type heart problems. Actually, your Tony Blair had atrial fib as well which is the other part of my heart problem and I take piles of meds to slow the heart but it is so erratic that it is now wearing out or heart failure and that is why it is all enlarged. The sides don't pump right and it is working too hard. One chamber can fill with clots and throw them to the brain or legs. So all the pills I take as blood thinners to try to get it to move through the heart. I have a stethoscope. That baby in my chest is SO erratic I wonder if it needs a kick start. Too bad i don't have a home defib machine.

The truth is there is no guarantee one does not get hit by a car. Let us just live each day as it is given. It cannot be repaired and I won't take a heart transplant from a 30 year old and will take my chances. So long as I am not stupid I will do OK for awhile.

Your Tony Blair had atrial fib and had that new procedure as I did . He was fixed. Mine lasted 10 minutes and is a terrible procedure to endure. My doctor was at the best heart clinic in Cleveland and I waited 9 months to get on his schedule. It was a bust. Did not work. He is so famous he pioneered that procedure here. Yes, the heart limits me and there is no fixing of it now. It is how it is. When I come upstairs here I have to pause sometimes. It is really bad to listen to it.

So , for sure I must cherish what I have. Yes, sometimes I am afraid I will be here and die alone with the cats and a dog. I know I must make my peace with God and do not fear where I stand. I also know I don't want to leave my husband with a messy garage and messy closets so have a plan to work on them days it is cooler.

My husband is a merchant marine officer floating off the coast of Kuwait right now. He will be back late July and it is a 3 month trip this time. He worries about me a lot when he cannot be here and emails and calls me on cell phone every few days. It is part of the package that job......always gone but a lot of money for what he does.

I used to take my boat out just me and the dog but that is too taxing on hot days. It is unsafe for me to go out on it without a friend or two to crew. I bike but must watch the heat as well. My new passion is I am an URBAN TREASURE HUNTER!! Have metal detector ...will travel. Picture me in ballcap, with my earphones, listening to the ground with metal detector and wearing a little apron thing with two pockets for all my fine treasures.
Don't you wish you could go?

Nicola, so much of the future rests with your decisions and with God on your side. You must weigh out the most important issues. Your mother can be a source of help, dear. Just ask her. Yes, I know about the passing on...but she is there just the same. She would say..... if you can alter the health so you have a life with your family that is most important. She did not have such a chance as you now to make good decisions.

Don't put a headcase on your poor husband or make him feel guilty. Go ...be young..be alive..and enjoy all that you have. How many would love what you have AND you don't have cancer and can alter the path. That is all good!

Sorry...I rattled on. I am SO hopeful for you.
With warm regards
Your almost friend
Claudette

[paul&nic]

Hi Claudette,

Sorry it's taken a while to repsond, our internet was off from yesterday afternoon to this morning. And last night I went with some friends to celebrate a birthday and we all drank too much wine with our meal so I felt rather delicate this morning!

Gosh we are similar. I can't believe the health problems you have had, it is just awful. I'm pleased that you can be at ease with it all. I don't know if I could!

I am confident to have this operation, I know it will reduce my risk greatly and take this damn breast cancer thing from hanging above me. I am doing it not only for my life, but for my children and husband aswell. And of course, my younger sister. (I say younger, she is almost 28 - but I still see her as my little sister!)

I have seen various doctors and in January met the surgeon who will be performing the mastectomy. She is a lovely lady with an excellant reputation. On your Independence Day I am meeting with a plastic surgeon to discuss the procedure that is best for me for my reconstruction. There are several ways to have the reconstruction, and I have already decided that silicone isn't for me. As much as I'd love boobs under chin when I'm 50, I don't think it would look that natural! So, I'll meet with the second surgeon and discuss the best option for me. You can have either muscle taken from your back or stomach to recontruct the breast. I'm considering the muscle from the stomach (free tummy tuck at the same time!) but will see what the surgeon says. (They do take all of the breast away, every last cell, nerve, tissue. You're just left with the skin and, if you want, your nipple. Which I do want. So I know they won't feel the same after the operation, but I'll get used to it!) This particular plastic surgeon also has an excellant reputation and I have already met with a lady she operated on who was absolutely delighted with the results, and I must say they looked fantastic. She came to my house one morning and we had a "look and touch" meeting! Once it's decided exactly which reconstruction I am having, I can then meet with other ladies and see more photos - I've seen literally hundreds already!

So, I've done all my homework on this subject and read all the literature that I have been given. It's going to mean about a week stay in hospital at least and then a few weeks at home resting. I know my mum would want me to have the operation. Like you say, I have a chance to avoid the cancer. And that can only be a positive thing.

Even so, it still doesn't take away how I feel about having another child. Please believe me when I say I know how lucky I am with my husband and children. I just so want another child. I always have wanted more than two children. Paul (my husband) is still adamant he doesn't want another. We were out with the children today and there were so many babies around, and pregnant ladies. I got so upset. And Paul does nothing to comfort me. Not even an arm around my shoulder.

I know you mean well when you say for me not to give him a headcase or make him feel guilty. Paul just isn't the sort of man you imagine! His feelings at the moment are just simply he does not want another child. It has nothing to do with my possibly being ill in the future. He just doesn't want another baby. And that hurts me. I also know that there isn't anything I can do to change his mind so I've just got to get used to it. But I do get sad when I see babies, and pregnant women, a kind of kick in the teeth, you know.

To be honest some days this past week I've felt - what about me? What about my feelings? I want another child and Paul isn't even considering it - he doesn't want another child, so tough on me. And I know that may sound immature, but I can't help the way I feel. It's so hard. I've come to terms with the operation, it's going to be a difficult process to lose my breasts because quite frankly I love them! But I know why I'm doing it and I'm at ease with it.

So, I don't know! I'm getting things off my chest here which I feel good about. I have been seeing a counsellor since my mum was ill but he is actually off sick from work at the moment so I haven't seen him for several weeks. Writing here is similar to my sessions with him!

Is it possible for us to exchange email addresses? I'm feeling this is to public a place to be writing such personal things. What do you think?

I have a picture in my head of you with your metal detector - makes me smile! Sounds great fun, I know my kids would love it. We went to the beach today and they rode their bikes and scooters, then went to the park, had some lunch and walked in the sunshine, it was such a beautiful day. I hope that wherever you are in the US that it is a pretty Sunday.

Take good care, Nicolax

[1aokgal]

Dear Nicola...

Well, you are on track with the surgery plan and did your reserch. I was glad I consulted three plastic surgeons before the one selected who did a fabulous job for me. One doctor was a "celebrity" type surgeon. I have since heard he was involved in a malpractice suit. My referrals for my doctor chosen came from two surgical nurses who assist some of his cases. They really praised his work. He is an import, a dutch So. African born plastic surgeon. I have since heard glowing tales of him.

My copy of of the post surgery notes read like a horror case to work over. After two previous surgeries I was a mess. This surgery left no visible scars and nice results. He showed my husband some spongy nasty slicone gel he removed. He did his best to stop any leak into the body. Imagine all that for years inside.

I was amazed when these silicone time bomb implants returned to the market...loved by doctors for the profit and demanded by women who don't realize the long range hazards. You will not regret doing the surgery on all fronts. The scars fade to nothing. There is a cream to assist the scars to heal well available.

Surgery does not end your child bearing but the risk post surgery with pregnancy are breast changes because of the hormonal issues, right? It sounds as if Paul never wanted children though he loves them what you have. Then I wonder what influenced that or may have occurred in his childhood. Some men fear they will make poor fathers or have trauma from an absent/neglectful father. Some don't want the financial burdens, the restrictions of children. Then there is just as you have the inner feeling, I just don't want to go that diection.

It would be a tragedy for you both to have a marriage break down over this issue when you are both young and have already been through a world of stress in just two years. You have the two children and the usual worries there.

Counselling is a good idea. Do your best to keep from upsets when you already have too many problems to face. That is a heavy load for two people and there are great positives with the fact you can choose the surgery. As I did as well, I sure did not question that was the right way to go at the time.

Yes, I feel fine about the health overall but one can say I sure have been a disaster. I loved stilleto high heels and had monstrous foot surgery 7 hours long to put one foot in order about 6 yrs ago. The bones were askew and detiorating. I never have done the other foot and likely won't. The 7 hour long surgery may have contributed to the heart breakdown. Four years ago I had a mass removed from my rt. lung. No cancer, thank God. Again, I scouted free on that one but it could have been result of migrating silicone. Yes, I got a tiny settlement from that company Dow that went bankrupt so they could protect themselves from rightful claims of so many who were injured by their products.

These products are back on the market and 20 years from now there will be again claims from women who file lawsuits.

I will give you a biz address and you see my personal one. I don't know if it comes through here. heritagefashions@cox.net You may have to just type it in to work.
Bye for now

[paul&nic]

Hey Claudette,

I sent a mail to the heritage address yesterday, I hope you received it.

I'm trying so hard not to be outwardly angry with Paul, we are laughing again so that's good news! Hopefully my counsellor will be back to work within the next few weeks, he knows all about the operation, in face he knows everything! So I look forward to speaking with him again in due course.

Every time you write you tell me more, I'm amazed at the life you have had. You must be a very strong and brave lady. Does your religion help you?

I feel ok today, it's been nice weather again and this afternooon something exciting happened - my daughter's first tooth came out! So, under the pillow it is waiting for the tooth fairy to put some money there! I hope the fairy doesn't wake her when she leaves the money!

Is it ok to privately email from now on? I think we are almost friends? I'd like to share some photos of my children and Paul with you, if that was ok?

Take good care, Nicola

[1aokgal]

Hi Nicola...

I found you post and we are now on private channel.
My email returned from my personal email address.

We can now talk girl things. I think we have found a nice friendship so
let me know when you get my post. exciting about the tooth and the pillow. I wonder where this custom originates? Inquiring minds need to know.

This email thing is great and we can make the world a smaller place to keep close to those far away. Years ago when my husband was in the ilitary it took 3 weeks or longer to get a letter. By the time you got one that was old news. Today my husband has my mail in a few hours. Great to go online and research or check the bank account . I work online so i can do my business right from this point.
Yes, my life has been full of drama and adventure. Some chosen and some bad luck or the luck of the draw. It is how we overcome the challenges that define us as a person!
Talk to you soon
Claudette

[inneedofhelp7]

Paul&Nic, I had to respond to your post. I feel like you are not really being listened to. I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I and have one beautiful daughter but when we got married we always said we would have two children. We have now been married 14 years and he doesn't want another baby. When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, who by the way was totally planned, my husband suddenly freaked out. Three weeks after my daughter was born he asked me to leave with the baby. I later found out that he had had an affair and couldn't deal with the guilt and was placing the blame on me. I think, bottom line, he was scared that all of a sudden he was responsible for another human being. After years of hard work, prayer and therapy, we have made it through.

I knew at the time it was not right to bring another child into what we were dealing with and wanted to wait until we were at a better place as a couple. For several years now we have been doing well and I really want another child. He, on the other hand, has now decided he doesn't want another child. It does feel as though because he has decided no more children that I have to live with that decision and there's nothing I can do about it. I just turned 40 this year so my time is rapidly running out and it is devastating to think I will not have another baby. Especially when our plan all along was for two children. I also feel terrible guilt that my daughter will be an only child. She wants a brother or sister so badly. But because my husband has spoken, we have to live with it. It just feels as though I have no control or decision making power. I feel like my family is incomplete and someone is missing. I pray all the time that God will change his mind.

I just wanted you to know that someone else knows how you feel.