Mother-In-Law won't untie her apron...

[MissonWorker]

Hi ! I am new to this so here it goes. I have a mother in law who has to much to say and I find this very harmful to my marriage. My husband has it made. She spoils him rotten which really doesn't help our relationship. She is a really nice woman don't get me wrong ... she just interfers way to much! My husband just won't grow in our marriage because he is still attached to his mother. I have a very lonely life here in his hometown. I moved here from a city when we married. We have 2 small children and if it wasn't for them I would go insaine. He works all day, comes home to eat supper some of the time and then out the door he goes. He may be back intime to kiss the kids goodnight but then he is out the door again.
When he does come home he complains if I try to talk to him and then goes to bed. I don't know how to tell my hubby that we really need to break away if this is going to work out. We really are not having it well with money and I believe we would do much better in a lot of areas of our marriage if we moved to a city were there is work for me and away from his family and friends as this would cause him to have to work on our friendship. He however does not want to leave his friends and family but I just don't know how much more I can take.

In the dark and hurt

Emily

[Raymond]

MW I won't give a full reply just now (had a very full day) just to say that there could be something unhealthy going on here between the son and mother in the sense that there could be a control thing operating where the cords have not been cut. A man should leave his family and cleave to his wife. Not to say that you shouldn't respect the parents but it seems as if she is not letting go of him in the wrong sense which is very unhealthy. This is quite powerful actually and can only be broken through his action and him wanting to break it. He will feel as if he is turning against his mother but that will not be true he will just be establishing the independence he is meant to have. There comes a time when we have to release our children, cut the apron strings as you say, if this doesn't happen then the mother can carry on mothering him as a child.

If this is the case you and him need to be fully aware of it so that you can take the right action. If he feels for example that he has to phone her every night when he's travelling or if he is painting a wall green and his mother says red and he does it that colour these will be signs that something is not right. There will be telltale signs. I would really get help with this outside of the situation from those that know otherwise it will be like living in a prison. In a way her niceness only makes it worse. What you need from her is a respect for you that you are his wife with fully authority in your home to run things as you want to and not to have a husband who keeps running to Mummy. She really needs to back off. If you and your husband take the right steps you will get a lot of fireworks from the mother and in him which will be a sign that it is a control thing that needs to be broken.

Raymond

[MissonWorker]

Thanks for posting Raymond! Actually He calls her every night and asks her if she will come over and she always does. She is his only parent. At first He always seemed to listen to her suggestions for everything but he has come a long way with not having to agree with her on everything. She will often say things like why are you letting him do that…ect. Usually I don’t mind whatever it is he may be doing. IE... hang out with a friend. She tells me I should get on him and tell him that he needs to be home. Well what she doesn’t get is that when he is home all he does mostly is fight with me or order me around. It’s sad to say that I always say I feel like I am living in a prison. My needs go un met and I just feel like I exist for the purpose of my children. The only thing that comforts me is that I have a prayer life an hour a day.
You know we had premarital counseling to see if we were compatible for marriage. I wanted to try going on Missions once we were settled and he was all for it. He said he wanted to do something for God. I went into the marriage thinking that we had the same goals. But he didn’t want to do that. He also would not leave to go anywhere. The sad thing is I have seen him speak in church and he would have been very good at it. He chose to rise in his career. Well I figure this is my mission field now. Although I feel SO isolated. We are building a house this year. I should say that He is building a house this year. It will be built to his liking since he pays the bills and I can choose the paint color but it will have to be Okayed by him if it is to go up. I can’t believe I am confessing this but I don’t know you and I don’t see how this can come back to hurt me. There is no one to be honest with here because all his family is here and his friends. I have no real friends here. Just a few people I may know by name but maybe one who I could have a coffee with as we watch our children. She is a school teacher who is on maternity leave and also the wife of his best friend. I use to have a career in Hotel. I was in management. I would like to have a career again once the children are in school something that would be close to ministry like Social work. He is happy with me to just be home and wait on him hand and foot. You know maybe that is okay for some people but I feel so pulled to the driving force inside me that wants to do things for God. I would like to have real friends and do something outside of my life. I use to sing in Church and speak as well. I guess I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it. I really felt like I went into this marriage with my eyes open. We also never knew each other sexually until our wedding night. I really hope that things will turn around. I have invested so much of my life into this man. I just don’t know how to get him to see that just living for him and his wants is not fulfilling for me.

[Raymond]

You say this is now your mission field MW and in a sense you are right, but not every woman is born just to be a housewife. Some have callings beyond the home and I think you are one of those. Look at Joyce Meyer preaching to millions yet a faithful wife as well.

However, you cannot force it. God can open the doors that need to be opened but you have to be patient. He is well able to meet the need. Try and enjoy the journey because you know he is going to work out things for you. You still have to love those around you and be a light.

I sense a fear there that you are talking to me. That shouldn't be so. I am a christian just like you. It speaks to me that there is a wrong control around your life somehow. Husbands are there to love you not to cause fear. If you have fear something is wrong somewhere.

Make sure you keep in fellowship with other christians. Isolation is not healthy.

It's good that he is breaking free of the mother's control, but he still has a way to go it appears.

Raymond

[MissonWorker]

Fear is here. This is hard for me to talk about but because you mentioned it I will. I do fear him. He is a very violent mad person sometimes. Screams and swears at me and I am scared. I try to talk him down but it only makes things worse. i don't swear and this just crushes my spirit. He has been promoted at work and it has made my life very hard. He is called at all hours of the night and needed to go in. He complains about how much he is responsible for and how much stress he is under but he "loves" his job. He has even grabbed me and shoved me on the couch lately. I try not to egg him on but it seems I don't have to do much to get him going. I told myself that if he ever hit me or cheated on me I would leave. I just hope it never happens. If he even had an idea I was talking to someone about our marriage he would freak. I don't feel that looking for advice is betraying the marriage. I really want to help him get control of his anger but I am not having much effect. Prayer is what I have.

[Raymond]

Almost sounds like something has got in there. Anyone can get angry but that sounds scary like theres a stronghold. Sounds as if the anger is being used to manipulate you through fear. It is not good to give way to anger all the time as eventually it will get to a place where it cannot be controlled. I almost feel there is a control thing operating over you from him passed down by the mother. I hope not. He may be under a lot of pressure of his own making but the anger shows all is not right.

If there is anything happening you should resist it inwardly through prayer etc. That's if there is anything deeper about it. I am speaking on spiritual things here which is obviously limited on this site.

You really seem isolated there which really goes with the control thing sometimes. Nobody has got the right to control you not even your husband. I know you make yourself subject to him as my wife does to me but that is totally different from someone dominating and controlling you. You must really keep tabs on this so that it doesn't get any worse only better. I say again keep up your fellowship with others. Build good relationships with other christians outside of your marriage.

Raymond

[MissonWorker]

Okay so after I thought about what I wrote here I desided to talk with hubby. He believes that he would never hurt me and that he thinks that he moved me out of his way as to go out of the room which is probably true. He says he has never hurt a woman in his whole life and never would. He has also said that he feels like his whole life is just not working out. I understand this to mean that what he wants is just not coming to him. I understand his stress but I believe it is because he will not take his cares to the Lord and look at the real hard facts. I believe we need to move. I also think The Lord wants us to move but he will not even go there. I have told him I am praying for him and the house situation and this comforts him. I just think that the bond between his mother and him is soooooo strong that he just can't bring himself to think of moving somewhere else away from mom even if life may be better for us. I am just waiting on God and I know he will make the situation for His will to take place. I just feel like he is at his breaking point and I just don't understand why he is so stubborn but The Lord knows and I am a praying wife so Something has got to give here.
I trust God!

[MissonWorker]

Thanks Raymond! Thank the Lord for the Internet. I do have good Christian friends who I call and email all the time. I have one person who knows the situation but is very tight lipped.

I think really the control thing coming down from his mother is hitting dead on! I have had on argument with her and felt like I was talking to Hubby. Same cutting down and low blowing statements and constant contol to have the floor. Like saying to me "no you listen here" after she has made her point and I try to make mine. This is so hard for me because I just don't see how he is ever going to change if she is a constant in his life....

Well I know that God will really have to do something drastic and I am making myself prepared by packing up the house and getting ready for a move.

Raymond thank you for taking the time to write back. It so incourages me to know that some one else can see what I see.

[Raymond]

It looks as if you are reasonably safe from physical harm so maybe it just operates verbally through anger. One of the signs are that you are o.k. if you tow the line but immediately you break it the thing will be stirred up against you. It says we don't wrestle against flesh and blood but things in the spiritual world. This thing will be operating on that level. They need deliverance from it to be free themselves. There are good books on the subject. I believe Derek Prince wrote one, but there are others. You will know that God never controls us but leads us through freewill. Once you recognise it you will be better equipped to deal with it as you will not be going against them but something else behind it. You have to be careful to be loving and subject to him but out of freewill not fear. Fear has torment and as we know God's love casts out all fear.

I really believe it will work out as you pray. Thank you for your comments on the other thread, say no more.

Raymond

[MissonWorker]

I believe your right about it being on a spiritual level. My hubby hardley takes time to read the Word or pray. I have to keep it up on my end to be able to have a happy home.

Thanks again!

[Raymond]

So it starts with you. Whatever, God is a majority even if there is one. It is lovely to talk with you. Keep posting.

Raymond

[Raymond]

MW I read a bit more about this in a Derek Prince book I have.

It appears that the object behind the control is domination whether it is realised or not. Weaker people tend to achieve it by manipulation the prime weapon used being guilt. This can be done through sickness, tears, hurt feelings, headaches or anything else including the poor old me syndrome. Women or children use this mostly.

Stronger people tend achieve it by intimidation the prime weapon being fear, which I would say you experience to a certain degree through the anger. Men are more likely to use this.

Taken to its nth degree it is pure witchcraft for that is the goal of witchcarft. I am not saying it is anywhere near that just laying open the nature of it and how it should have no place in a christian marriage.

Once you see it it is quite common and all around us in subtle forms but it is not of God, quite the opposite.

Raymond