Over after 8 and a half months?

[lucyloo]

Hello, I'm new to this forum, so a big hello to everyone.

I'm 30 and been married for just 8 and a half months (no children). The last 6 weeks or so have been a nightmare and my husband is now saying he doesn't love me anymore. He says he doesn't want to be married and wants to be "free". I'm devastated and in complete shock about it.

I'm trying so hard to fight for this marriage as I can't even comprehend giving up on it after just 8 and a half months. It feels so hopeless though, as it takes two to make a marriage work and he's not doing anything to try and help us. I feel I can't open my mouth without him biting my head off constantly and every single thing I do seems to make him annoyed. He refuses to acknowledge that I'm hurt and devastated by this all - if I try to talk to him or explain he says I'm nagging or moaning. In fact most the time I try to talk to him about all this he just ignores me completely and won't talk back. Every opportunity he has he gets out the house. He's also been lying a lot - from quite small silly things to bigger things, which he never used to be like at all. He'll deny all his lies though, until he gets completely caught out on them, when he just becomes defensive.

I love him with all my heart and desperately want us to try and work through our problems. Up until this we have always had a fantastic relationship, we really did. But he just keeps saying he doesn't feel the same about me anymore and that he doesn't want to be married - that's the only reasons he'll give. We're supposed to be going on holiday next week for a "make or break" holiday. He says he still wants to go but that it won't change anything between us.

I just don't know what to do. My confidence is completely destroyed and I can't eat or sleep. I feel really scared and lonely and I feel like such a failure. My heart is broken.

[troxman]

Lucyloo,

Youve come to the right place...you are now amongst lots of people with similar issues that can help you figure things out. Im 31 and the wife left after not eight months but 8 years, not cool!!! I have felt so many horrible feelings that I never knew I could feel and to this day 2 months after she left still feel lost. But I will say im doing a little better!!

I wish you the best, not sure about this guy from what you've said about him. He either needs a real kick in the @ss to see what he is about to loose or you need to move on in my opinion, one or the other. It took my wife leaving for me to see what I was doing wrong, I mean to REALLY see what I was doing wrong! Unfortunately for me she has not come back and seems to have grown further apart infact!! Its a sad thing loosing the one you love, devistating even! Another question I have is are you sure you really truely knew the man since you were only married 8 1/2 months, were you guys together a while before you were married? I just remember how little I knew about my wife at 8 1/2 months; I think its possible that the real man you married has emerged and that he is done acting like the man you wanted him to be. Mabye you never really knew him!

Anyway try to stay strong and if he just wont listen to you and especially if he bites your head off every time you try to tell him how you feel, mabye you should let him go, tell him how you feel but let him go and realize how much he will miss you. Mabye he will come to his senses when your not there for him to step on! Just some thoughts, good luck life sucks some times, and I know you never thought this would happen to you thats definetely how I felt!!

Adam

[lucyloo]

Thank you so much for replying, it's really appreciated.

Yes, we were together for a few years before getting married so I really did think I knew him. Now it's like living with a complete stranger. He's very cold and acts like he really doesn't care about anything. So maybe you're right and this is the real him now. I keep hoping this is just some sort of phase or bad patch and that we'll come through it, but he keeps saying that he doesn't think he'll ever feel the same about me again. There's no specific thing that has happened, as far as I know. I'm still the same as I always have been and now I'm spending half my life trying to figure out what I've done wrong to make him feel like this. I feel so helpless. I would do pretty much anything to try and make our marriage work but he doesn't want to know.

The thought of trying to move on is really daunting. I think I know in my heart that if everything doesn't get magically better on the holiday then we'll split up when we get back (on his say so). I'll also lose my home as I won't be able to afford the mortgage on my own, so I guess I'll have to find somewhere to rent. When I've tried to talk to him about what happens if we split up, it's all on his terms and what he wants. I feel like I'm going to lose everything I've worked so hard for, all because he feels like he made a mistake in getting married. It's so hard to try and be strong, I'm in pieces at the moment.

[troxman]

lucyloo,

Tell me about it, I currently have a short sale specialist working to get rid of our house, its a nightmare let me tell ya!! Another thing that sucks for me is that I live in the house alone now and have to be reminded of all the times and memories we shared in here. She on the other hand went back with mommy and daddy so she has company when she gets home from work. (must be nice!)

I think your right to assume that after your trip together you should have a better idea of where things are going. You know like your situation there was really no one reason my wife gave me for leaving me. Basically she claims that we drifted apart and turned out more like best friends and blammed me for our lack of intimacy/lazyness/one on one time/and basic loss of connection when we were equally to blame in my opinion. When I offered any kind of constructive criticism she shot me down with "its to late," sound familiar at all? She had mentioned certain things that she wanted from me and its true I was lazy at times with our marriage but when it comes down to it I love her with all my heart and would be willing to do anything to get her back. Unfortunately she doesnt seem to share my thoughts and has pretty much given up on me....pretty damn sad!! Its amazing to me how some people don't value a marriage like they should! I dont think it helps that the majority of her friends are divorced and she's pretty much glued to their hips at the moment partying etc...

Sorry I tend to go on about myself, I find it helpful to just let it all out ya no!

Stay strong however impossible that may seem, I know you feel like crap. From someone thats a little further down the line than you just know that it does get easier after time if you do end up down my path!! (heaven forbid) Not a whole hell of a lot easier yet, I still think about her alot but I can kinda force myself to think about something else and stay on somewhat of an even keel now-a-days!!

You can only do your best to make things right, if he cant find the time to listen to you or take action to save your marriage then mabye its best you find someone who will love you like you deserve to be loved, someone who will fight through the worse (better/worse) to preserve a marriage!! Who knows mabye the guy just needs some sort of wake up call!! Im not sure what he's thinkin cause single life is fun at times dont get me wrong but it sure is lonely. I think if he does leave you he's gonna notice that fast!! If he does end up leaving you I would give him space, dont beg for him back, make him realize that you are important to him. I think thats kinda where I went wrong I was a whimpering baby for a while after she left and I think she lost respect for me cause I didnt stay strong! Id call or text her quite a bit, write her lots of notes, flowers, etc, etc..... Just some thoughts.....Its really your decision and theres no set dirrection on what to do in these circumstances so just follow your heart!!


Best wishes, (SMILE FOR ME WOULD YA!!)

Adam