Relationship issues

[moz]

Hi,

I am a male of 31 years old and have been involved in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years now. She has a child from a previous relationship.
I am living in house that my MUM owns after separating with dad and then a year later got back with dad (all is merry).

The house was offered to me with only a small amount of rent to pay my mother. (Good old italian families) Mum always says that eventually she will be putting the house into my name to avoid pension issues and the fact that the house will be mine anyway.
Here is my issue...........
At the beginning of my relationship I explained to partner that if things went well between us, we would get married and live in the house I'm currently in with her child.
I thought everything was sweet...........until about 2 weeks ago she started with "I dont want to live there as it will always be your MUM's and that I will always have the upper hand on her...........I just dont understand. She thinks the house will never be hers and fears she wont leave her son anything. Of course if the house would be placed in my name I would add her........I'm not selfish and I treat her son like my own.

In this day and age I thought this would be the easiest option considering the price of living these days............I dont have a high profile job and neither does she. I thought living debt free would be great so then this gives us a chance to have my first child and to do all things I want to do without worrying about a bank coming to take the house of us. And to live without the issues of living week to week to barely survive. She thinks I should have standards and instead of taking the easy way out take the leap into a massive debt and get her dream home like everyone else does and provide for them.......Am i being a coward???

I just dont understand. I am at my wits end trying to convince her otherwise that it is now affecting our relationship to the point where we are going to break up. Any help please anyone........................................???? ?

[Raymond]

You don't look a gift horse in the mouth as they say. If thats the house you have been given you have been spared the hassle of striving to pay a mortgage most of your life. Theres no great merit in getting a mortgage somewhere else when you already have a house. The money can be used on other things including taking care of her and her child. Nobody wants to be a scrounger but we should have grace enough to accept a gift when it is offered if that makes life easier. I think she has this set idea in her mind and is being a bit unreasonable. We're not all meant to be high fliers. If you do well you can always trade up if need be. In a way her sentiments are admirable but taken too far and you could be suffering for nothing. So long as the house is not being used to control her by your mother she should be able to live in peace and be grateful that you have a house together.

Raymond

[maggie]

um...........Is she crazy or what?????????? Like Raymond says "You dont look a gift horse in the mouth." My husband was in a very similar situation to yourself, he recieved a house from his parents when he was 18 and he moved in right away and when he turned 25 I moved in. A year later we married and 17 years later we are still in the same house living very happily with 2 children. Its not the greatest home in the world but we share so many happy memories it would be crazy to move at this stage. And this has also allowed us to raise our 2 children with the hope of giving them the very best in terms of their educational needs and physical needs because we now can afford it. We did not have a cent to our name after all the wedding expenses when we wed. I'm sorry to say Moz but I think she is a little ungrateful. Here she is with a child of her own and your mother has generously and basically given you her house. Its ok to update later on in life but for the many that take that leap as you say into huge debt a lot do not survive because they have not done their homework. I have many friends that have suffered. The current world is in rough condition, you have been given a fantastic gesture by your mother, and frankly my advice to you is, that if she continues to be ungrateful then leave her. There would be literally thousands upon thousands of people that would love to be in your position. Good Luck, I hope everything turns out for you

[moz]

thanks very much for your advice. Is there anyone else with any advice? It would help as I dont want to lose her!

[ian]

Moz< I think you have to ask yourself the question. Does this partner of yours really love you? Or is she goin to make life a misery for you in the future. Be aware be very aware. You could be heading for a downfall. If she agreed I guess your best bet is to make sure she does not change her mind later. At the moment you have not recieved her support on your thoughts and it sounds like you are clashing. If she cannot come to your terms of thinking which sometimes happens, mind you I think you are being very thoughtful in giving her son a home into the future and raise him as your own, then I think its best to let her go. It may be tough for you for a while but things will always turn out. You will find someone whom I will guareentee would love the oppurtunity you have given them and their love for you would be 3 fold of what you have now. Most people nowadays are happy to live in a tin shed these days on current world conditions. The cost of living is always going up not lower, and this should be enough to for her to realise your doing the right thing for her and her child.

Good luck, I do hope for your sake everything works out.

IAN

[seany]

Hi Moz, Im From far north England.It would be interesting to know where you are from?

MY thoughtsd are these;

Is your MUM going to be like so many mother in laws and give your partner grief by controlling her.
I dont think she would but you need to ask yourself the question???? Most mother in laws are fantastic people and stay out of the way of their children's lives. My mother in law had to learn the hard way. Is your partner going to have equal decision makings on what could be done to the house to make things better...by the sound of your post you sound genuine enough to let that happen.

My main concern is that she has a child to a previous relationship. IS the dad involved in his sons life?
If not are you afraid that one day he may show up?

At the end of it all....you have to be quite certain this is what you really want. I do not quite understand her philosophy on you not having standards. I believe your standards are quite high conidering you are willing to give them a place they can call home, and mortgage free. I wish I was in your position when I was 31. I lost my first home at 32 due to difficulties in repaying my mortgage. (lost my job) I lived my mother and father for a further 9 years and my wife followed me every step of the way until we reach a stage where we were back on our feet again and coulf afford something. ahhhhh the joys of life.

Sounds like you do not have 100% support from her and vice versa from you, so I guess you both have a decision to make, Do you go on or is it best to leave on albeit ok terms and let each other free to pursue you own dreams and aspirations.I know what I would do but I'm not about to devulge. I do not want to be an influencing factor in your decision.

Luck is on your side.

[mad max]

wow!!!!! what an offer. The offer is to good to refuse.
This is realyy ungrateful on her behalf, but maybe you should take the risk and take a mortgage
that way when you are struggling to feed the kids, to give them a proper education, to make sure all their other activities are met then maybe she will realise and then you can say "I TOLD YOU SO" but seriously do you need this? By no means are you taking the easy way out here. You are thinking totally rational,your partner is totally irrational. I have just given my daughter a property I developed for her and i hope one day when she meets that lucky man they will take the offfer that i given and build a wonderful family and not worry about tough challenges in life.
Good luck on that one

[1aokgal]

Moz.....

I don't understand today why people will live together and not marry! You even mentioned having your first child.
Nowhere did you mention marriage.

I have the picture of your partner. She has nothing now of substance but to live in your mothers house in hopes you get it some day. That will not do her one bit of good as she has no rights in that property for her input.... of how many years.

What does she have in security interest to start over in case things do not work out between the two of you? She has ZERO..ZILCH. NOTHING.
Her child gets nothing born out of a living arrangement.

When one is married, and you would inherit the house or it is deeded to you, as your wife i assume her name to be added, then she would also have an interest. She knows she lives in another woman's house. That could be really hard to live with the mother under one roof. Most mothers never think the girlfriend is good enough for their darling sons. She could be the mother from hell.

So you have the dame of the house and your lady who will live there under the same roof. Bet that does not work. It is not that your girlfriend does not see the benefit of living mortgage free.....it is that she sees she has no security for the future.

That viewpoint does not make her a golddigger...... that makes her more smart than the average girl who would live in that arrangement. One day when there is an argument her bags are packed and on the porch. Women who go into a living arrangement seldom see a marriage certificate. As they say in the US, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free?"

I told my husband 28 years ago ....."Nope, I don't intend to live in sin." That means I am not in touch with todays moral standards? Thank God, not. Too bad more women don't use their heads to think instead of as a hat rack so they will realize if he dies... ..and she is a live in..so...she gets nothing. She cannot even go collect your last paycheck to help with your pine box, nor have a say in how that goes.

How about making your love solid on a certificate and make promises you intend to keep? Sounds like you have two years together and if she does not see this your way..she can hit the road, right? That is exactly what I see happening with the way it goes. That child gets hurt twice. He lost the dad..then he loses the live-in dad/fillin and then they get tossed out on the street.

I see NO loyalty or love for your "partner" here. You have formed no family unit because if she does not see everything your way...well...reread your letter. Where do you put her first? Personally, I think she made a HUGE mistake two years ago to the live-in arrangement because whatever SHE wants is not important to you. I'd say she wasted two years.

Big deal about the son. Of COURSE, you would treat him like your own. NObody gets an "atta'boy" for doing the RIGHT thing.

Make her the lady of your house legally and make sure if anything happens to you she has a roof overhead. Yes, your mum could put her right out on the street unless you protect her interest and care for her.

See it from that point. I'd say quit being a boy and be a man who says .."Lets get married and if this living in this house is at all uncomfortable for you then we will get our own place." Which means she holds a job and contributes to that house you might buy.

Cut the umbilical cord.

[Raymond]

That's a good extra point 1okgal that none of us thought of.

Are you prepared for your mother to give joint ownership of the house in both your names Moz? That would solve her issues I would think.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Raymond.......


I have the impression our posters think this house will be a "gift" with no cost to this son? Oh, it is a gift, OK...but it is the gift "THAT KEEPS ON GIVING" for the mother. Of course, it is her security that she maintains absolute control of the house, the couple and their lives in this house. It is her old age life insurance policy.

I think Moz girlfriend is one smart cookie! Good for her she makes a stand on this "gift." I applaud her good sense! It will be her life tied into the long elder care plan for the mother while she keeps her house and the couple tied to the deal. This girl is the one who will empty the bedpans and see the needs of this mother in however long that takes. This process is also something she will have a lot of sweat equity to show for her sacrifice.

Posters seem to think she is getting FREE room and board and someone who is nice to her son? I see she provides the domestic services and sexual favors in exchange for a live-in at the whim of the son and mother. I don't call that a good trade-off for benefits of a good workplace and later life benefits. Maybe her long range career goal is not to empty future bedpans for shelter. She sure sounds like she has her head in the right place. I hope Moz will think more of what is in this for his companion . To care for an againg relative would be a deal breaker for most girls. That service is the true price of this house.



MOZ.....

You should show some real ambition to get "out from Under" and go make your mark on the world. You said this path is the easiest. It is not easy as you have not weighed the trade offs for the coming years. A son should be willing to help a mother but that may not include you to care for her needs in exchange for the house. Which she is free to gift or sell as she will. That is a heavy burden to place on your companion. That may limit her ability to work and build up benefits and her talents.

Taking care of an aging person is usually not part of the bargain for a relationship. The burden would be more hers than yours. This is real stress on most younger people. Moz, you also think of children......pro bono, of course. There has been NO mention of marriage or security for this girl.

Everyone knows one of the best ways to accumulate wealth and security is to gain equity in property which is yours and perhaps more than one property. It is not to wait around in the hopes somebody gives you something when they die. My advice is for you, Moz, to go get your peice of the pie and not be satisfied to wait around and trade your lover as a domestic servant in this household.

It would not surprise me if the girlfriend got tired of arguments over her security and future. She might rethink it and find a man who is ambitious and wants to marry. I hope you think of the real issues in this offer.
Good luck.

[Raymond]

1Okgal I read that the mother will transfer ownership into the sons name. In that case he is free to look after his mother on a freewill basis. At the moment you could be right but we can't judge as we don't know the mother. If she transfers to his name and hopefully the wife then there shouldn't be a bid problem in that area I would think.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Raymond...

It would be a good thing for young people to be able to reside with the mother and help all financially and they can assist her. The idea is that the house would NOT be string-FREE gift but there is a price to pay.
There is a whole lot of sweat equity to care for an aging relative.

The son felt it is an "easy way" but the truth is the shelter is provided but they should still pay rent or a portion of the overhead perhaps until they save enough to buy their own home. It is a good opportunity to live cheaper and explore their options for the future. It is more expensive to live now and many young people continue to live at home longer. This is true in the US as in other countries.

[Raymond]

You may be quite right. He did say that the mother said that eventually she would put the house in his name to avoid pension issues, but how long does eventually mean? Anyway he seems to have had his advice and left us now as a lot do so we will never know his response to your questions or mine unless he turn up later. Hopefully he would have understand how his wife felt from your insight.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Raymond...

You may have misread as you say "the wife" about this situation. There is the rub. Live-ins have no responsibility to care for anothers aging relative and sure don't want to see a future 10-15 years down the line doing that.

A wife is more submissive to the overall plan perhaps than a young woman still looking the guy over to decide how this is going for her. They had arguments already on the topic. Try living with a dominant female relative where she holds the power! Not good.

Yes, each gets what they need here (or wish they had not asked) and move on. Then there is you and I, Raymond, the "constants," right? Life belted us a few times and with solid heads and stable personalities we survived and can often bring good advise to the table. I do think though that some lie here. You are so trusting, Raymond!

You said on one thread...Why should X lie? They lie for the same reason anyone lies. They lie so they will be liked and as the good guy and no one will think badly of them.....to look good. Some cannot tell it like it is OR they cannot own the deed and take responsibility for being an ass in a given situation.

We can all makes some bad mistakes and part of this forum is so many of us have been in that same spot years before or have knowledge of it. It is unique to be able to discuss most anything here.