15 years high school sweethearts ended overnight!

[MadGerald]

Hello all, I wish I could meet or make my first post in another section of this forum but unfortunately it has to be this one.

Just three weeks ago one Sunday morning my wife decided to up and leave me out of the blue, she said to me she gave warning signs but alas I never saw them.

We have a beautiful daughter who is nearly five years old and in school, and a gorgeus 6 month old baby boy who is, next to my wife and daughter the most precious thing on earth to me.

I don't really know where to begin with all this but i'll try and keep it to the point.

We have been together 15 years, married for 7 into what I thought was for life. We have happy times and also argue like the next couple.

3 Years ago I went from a factory job to being an electrician which brought in a lot more money which was good, and I was able to provide well for my family. Unfortunately and sadly my then boss died so I became self employed and took on the business about 2 years ago.

Now I find myself running a pub! where did that come from! Well something I always wanted to do I guess. My wife has worked at a hospital for the past 8 years in the pharmacy section. She is on the tail end of her maternity leave as I type this.

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She tells me the reasons for leaving are because she feels unloved, that I show lack of affection and yes I admit to a lot of this. I do hold back on the hugs and feel such an idiot for it now. Its because of time. I try to please everybody all of the time. Someones car alarm needs repair? no problem! need your website fixed? I'll help.... you get the picture... She feels like I have never included her in anything and I have to say in these cases she is right.

I've never not loved my wife. I've always loved her just not in the way she wanted. I am a spoilt child, love was shown to me by toys and gifts and its how I show my love to my wife too.

I now know its not enough and I feel so horrible in myself that I have starved her of all this affection and want nothing more than to give it to her now. Seriously, this last week has totally kicked my up the backside. I have refocused my entire life to revolve around my family to always do stuff together, spend time together, even if its just on the sofa or a walk in the park, I KNOW how important these things are now and want so badly to show her this but she refuses to let me back in.

She is currently living at her mums out of bin liners and occasionally pops back to pick up some clothes or to give me the kids, or even to help me at work!

This is the bit I don't understand. Everything seems to be as normal except she just "doesn't love me that way anymore"

She always wants to be here, she always wants to get involved but the second I pay her a compliment or try and give her a cuddle she turns into this ice queen from hell.

I hope to god this is just some kind of depression set in where she has been stuck in the house all day just cleaning and cooking for the kids. I can appreciate she feels trapped but she denies all of this.

3 years ago she suffered from graves disease, an illness of the thyroid but it has horrible symptoms which push your eyeballs out of your sockets so she constantly looks surprised. It was hard work all that time but I stuck with her, tried to take her shopping, tried to get her out but she hated herself so much.

She has had the surgery now to correct it all and she looks absolutely stunning. I held her hand the whole time she was blind. I held sick bowls for her. I stood by her and stuck up for her the whole time and yes it was damn hard. I was there at both of our childrens births, I done all I possibly could do as a loving husband.

She says this decision has been a long time coming so when I question my son being just 6 months old then its not really that long and can be worked on she just freaks out at me. We also talked about buying our own pub as a freehold just three weeks ago and she was loving the idea. We also only got new sofas large enough to snuggle on three weeks ago and were discussing buying a 7 seater car to make moving the kids easier.

She says she wants to do what she wants for once, and is fed up being told what to do. but I've never been a control freak. An example was when I asked her to stay in for collecting a parcel while I was working, she said she was going to a friends but then cancelled the friend to collect the parcel for me... But that was HER decision I never forced her on it....

She has no plans for a house, bank account, phone... anything....

Its left me in limbo and is tearing me apart.

I'm sorry if this is just rant but had to start somewhere.

Thanks for listening.

[Raymond]

Mmmm could be a lot going on her MG. On of the things that sticks out for me is love languages. There is a book written by Gary Chapamn called the Five Languages of Love. We all have a prime language apparently and if that is not expressed to us we feel it. I think yours may be gifts and your wifes touch. You express your love language by gifts but it may not be your wives or not her prime language anyway. In other words we perceive love in slightly different ways and you have to speak the others love language for them to perceive love. One of my wifes main ones is touch and it took me years to discover this as I didn't particularly need it but she did. I'm talking about hugs, cuddles, holding hands etc. I had to learn this and now it's fine. The Five Languages are, Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Touch (not to do with sex), and Acts of Service. If one of those is your prime language you will not feel fully loved until you are getting it. If you get the book it will tell you all about it. If you use touch though you have to mean it not just try a technique on someone. I automatically use touch now without thinking about it. All these things are good but don't miss her prime language out whatever you do.

I think you have to get talking to her if you can. Tell her you love her and kep the door open. You have obviously learned a few things. I hope it isn't too late.

Raymond

[MadGerald]

Thank you Raymond I totally agree with you on the gifts and providing - I have also acknowledged that with her and i have told her that affection (touch) has been etched into my soul now that I know what its like to be without it.... i know deep down she wants to believe the difference but is convinced that six months down the line things will be back how they were....

we talked ( well argued ) for some time today after my post. I tried to show her all the good things in the past (which she accepts) and where the future could go now all this extra time has come available....

The thing that confuses me is she wrote me a letter which totally said "goodbye and thanks" but then when I speak to her its always "maybe I don't" or "maybe I can't" - its the maybes that get me hoping - alongside about a week ago she whispered in my ear after giving me a comfort hug because I broke down she whispered in my ear "just give me some time"

There is one other thing that she is bringing up now which I think you should know. 13 Years ago I broke up with here (I was 20 she was 17) for about two weeks because another girl came along who I fell head over with lust for and yes in those two weeks there was some intimacy. But I came back with tail between legs realising I'd been an idiot and she forgave me and we got on with our lives... I'd completely forgotten about it until she mentioned it.
I have been totally faithful since that time 13 years ago. We were still in school!

I do hope its not to late as I love her so much and now all these things have surfaced we finally have no more secrets, no more petty hates, no more problems just the opportunity for a fresh start in our new house / business (which she loves to do) and a long future raising our two fantastic children.

I will look up this book thank you so much for the kind support.

[Raymond]

I'm kind of hopeful about it. I think you have to strike a balance in showing or making known to her your love while at the same time giving her the time and space she needs. You will have learned a lot lately about what is important in marriage and will treasure it more than you did. You have to show her that you have been thinking a lot as well and that things are going to be different and better. Theres obviously a lot that has to be talked about between you two.

With regard to the other I don't know why she is bringing it up if she has forgiven you. Maybe there is an insecurity still there and she hasn't put it away. I would have thought that thirteen years of faithfulness would have cured the problem. Theres nothing you can do about it. Once forgiven it should be forgiven, finished otherwise it's not forgiveness. Maybe you should try and forgive her for bringing it up as these things can get in the way if you are not careful

Raymond

[MadGerald]

Thanks Raymond I believe there is hope too.

Although the letter she just wrote me which showed all our good and bad times weighed up was very conclusive which was upsetting.

The good things that I hold onto right now are the fact she is still talking to me (as if nothing has even happened until I mention "us")

Also she has not told her parents what her plans are and her bond with her parents is (or was?) as strong as mine. She is living with them now, both our kids in the one small bedroom out of bin liners. Although I take the children 3 1/2 days a week.

She doesn't have anything lined up. and the money left over from the house move I have offered her to get beds washing machines cot TV etc but she doesn't want to know and says I should keep the money to pay my bills.

Everything seems so confusing to me as she says to her father she might move above the pub with me, but then says something totally different later on. She whispers "just give me time" in my ear but then 10 minutes later she's saying its 100% all over.... :confused:

I really hope, and she will kill me if she reads this, that she is either post natal, or just depressed from being so trapped in the house the whole time from either her recent eye illness or just being stuck with the kids cooking cleaning etc while I am putting in 100 hours a week at work.

And yes as a result of 100 hours our sex life is almost non existent...

But the good news is I now have a decent set of staff working for me which frees up 3 days a week... Its brilliant! I took the kids to the forest for the day, then the beach the next and then the third just chilled around the house (well "chilled" I mean I took care of the washing and cooking for the kids but they still had fun)

I do hope she sees all this extra time we could have together now. There is everything going in the right direction for a great marriage now aside from her dwindling love.....

It really is down to time isn't it? as much torture as it is..

I ordered that book by the way from a "popular online internet store" as my local bookshop didn't have it. But they had another book there which is giving me some guidance and is a great read about how only yourself can change to improve a marriage.

well - I will keep you updated.....

fingers crossed

[Raymond]

It looks hopeful. 100 hours a week doesn't help a marriage. Hopefully now it will be different. You are well placed to woo her back and making sure things will be different now. You seem very good with the children. Theres a lot ging for you if you can bring good out of the present situation.

Raymond

[MadGerald]

Thank you Raymond.

It is my birthday tomorrow and its also my turn with the kids for the next 3 1/2 days which will be nice.

But what is better is that she has agreed to have dinner with us all together. She doesn't touch alcohol normally except for her birthday or our wedding... But I have asked her if she will have a birthday drink with me to which I have not had a reply... I won't mention it again to her as don't want to appear pushy. I will just have some available on the table and let her decide.

The hardest bit of the night will be avoiding "the subject" but I will try my utmost best. I was thinking of asking her what she has been up to, just to make conversation and show interest but am also worried that it might be considered prying into her new life!

Dear oh dear what a mess....

I must say though I am able to cope with the situation a lot better now. I have a new routine and plenty of support from friends at my pub (and yourself Raymond). Anyone going through what I am who has read the thread will be thinking that their whole world has collapsed and there is no point going on. Believe me it does get easier over time.

I know that sounds like I'm giving up but believe me i'm not. I would love nothing more than to give my wife a huge all night cuddle on the sofa together. But I have accepted the fact that this may not happen. Which in itself makes me a lot more confident that tomorrow night will run smoothly.

I will let you all know.

[Raymond]

You have to keep off the subject I suppose MG. Theres another couple on here like that. I think it's alright to ask her about her life just quick questions and move on if theres not much to talk about. I'm sure you know how to do that. How are you? is basic I would have thought. I think you have to accept that it is her who moved away and treat the relationship as such until there are signs that it is changing. I hope it goes well. I really do.

Raymond

[MadGerald]

Just thought i'd let you know the evening went reasonably smooth. We avoided "the subject" for a mere three minutes before something came up because neither of us have really done anything. But we got a lot more out and I also explained about the book by Gary Chapman.

I believe she has noticed these changes in me, and this can only be good.

From the topic of "us" I suggested that she might try moving (or me) into the large spare room at the top of the building to see at a distance all of the changes that have come into my life... More time with the kids, helping round the house, showing more affection etc...

It was met by three different responses - once a shoulder shrug, then a head shake - then a "don't know"

Then it fell into the repeat loop of me trying to "sell" the new lifestyle to her.... I realised this and put a stop to it all - thanked her for a nice evening and let her go back to her mums....

She definately needs more time...... The kids are with me now until Saturday. My daughter loves it here, although she has only stayed here a total of 6 days I have made her room into a little fairy hideout - pink walls - white flashing LED's - pixie dust etc.... she LOVES it...

I also painted our boys room blue but he is still sleeping in a cot by me for now.

I am sure she has noticed all the work I have put into the house, but at the end of the day (what she wanted before the split) she would be happy with me in a one bedroom flat with no hot water provided she got lots of affection....

Am taking the kids to a local lake tomorrow to walk round and feed the ducks - I left her an open invite saying it would be nice for us all to go together but will leave it up to her - I won't even text message to ask if she is still coming as I'm sure I will know one way or another.....

Heres to another day.........

[Raymond]

Wow MG you are doing well. You are obviously very good with the children. That is one of your strengths. Giving attention to your weak areas like learning to convey love to your wife will be an amazing thing to do and so important. It really is. I must confess I was like you. Good with children but not so good with my wife. That has changed completely and in the long run it is more important even for the children as well. They receive great strength from together parents. Keep up the good work and don't forget her love language when you get the chance. As you say don't oversell the newl you as we all still have weaknesses, but the good thing is you are trying to do something about it. You have sown seeds into her thoughts. We shall see what comes up.

Raymond

[MadGerald]

Yeah I love my kids as much as my wife.

She has started seeking housing benefit and talking to the council for a flat / house which was a bit of a blow this morning.

It almost seems like all the work and progress during the day gets reset overnight....

She is not coming to the lake with us which is sad....

The bank has run out of money aswell. Because of my job I pay my wages as cash straight into my wallet and only pay in the bank leftover moneys for taxes / PAYE / debits etc....

So she has asked me today to borrow £75 for glasses because her eyes haven't corrected yet from the surgery.

I have the money on me and am happy to let her HAVE the money as I always have done but what if she goes? Is it gonna soon be can I borrow £1000 to get some furniture?

As for the love language she hates me touching her at the moment which makes it real difficult... aside from a kiss on the cheek goodbye and a quick hug like you would hug your auntie there is no physical contact at all. Although she does know that I have changed to show more affection. We have some good friends in the pub and I've made it a discipline to always give them a hug... male or female.... sometimes my wife is there to see, sometimes not. But I am really getting into the habit of more contact and it really feels good. It is so much more personal to the person than a handshake. It just comes naturally now and I don't need to tell myself "don't forget the hug."

Your words are very warming and encouraging Raymond and I must be honest theres times (specially when I first see her in the morning) where I feel like just giving up. But the support on this forum is amazing, and I hope one day I can help another like you have helped me.

4th week now....

[Raymond]

Hi MG. Your wife still seems to be smarting over something from the past in spite of your efforts, but you cannot let up now. If she goes she goes but you seem to have done all you can. Hopefully there will be opportunities to build up things a bit. It is a bit discouraging though that she is seeking a council flat. But all is not lost yet.

I'm glad that you are managing the physical touch side although I had in mind your wife not everybody, but as a publican I suppose it serves you as a welcoming host. Be aware that not everyone wants it.

With regard to money it is wise to help her just now although there may come a time when it will be putting on you especially if she wants a seperation. She cannot then be expected to be treated as your wife. I hope things are mended between you. Try and understand where she is coming from if you can.

Raymond

[MadGerald]

Yes I had quite a disatrous afternoon....

Unfortunately the council house subject spawned a chain reaction of arguments....

I now have a list of reasons - I have no idea if this is definitive....

I spend too much on things.... Heightened again by buying new furniture, paint and picture frames for the new house.

I am unloving.... this one really hurts... I always gave love but just not enough of how she wanted it....

She cannot trust me.... With regard to the event 13 years ago... Its impossible to bump into a woman that doesn't play part of your partners life aswell. But she is incredibly paranoid over me. Even with a female that I buy things from for my wife over the internet that I have never met! ( I must add we were due to meet one time to exchange an expensive product but I can see how it may look - there was NOTHING going on, at the time I built computers and it was easier to deliver the package by hand)

I'm never there - I find that hard to believe when I sat by all her illnesses and childbirths and most evenings we just chill infront of the TV (prior to pub - but I still tried my hardest to make time and she knows and accepts this)

She doesn't want people telling her what to do anymore....... Re: waiting for parcels... but I've never MADE her stay in - she has said herself she does it all to please me.... Which is what its all about right?

She thinks she is ugly and fat.... Well - this is just rubbish in my head but in hers its very real indeed - she thinks she looks like jabba the hut or something but in my eyes (and a lot of people in the pub whose heads turn) she is drop dead gorgeous.

She wants to be alone...... Even though she HATES being alone..... I don't mean just me - just general close company, good friends or close family...

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There are probably more but my brain is fried now.... Its a real shame the day ended with her telling me she doesn't love me anymore and I am being too pushy with the upstairs spare room arrangement and the fact that we now constantly argue when we are in the same room.... Looking back even though it was only an hour ago I was pushy.... But its only because I think that it would be nice to see from afar all the changes that have taken place without any pressure, and takes away any extra money worries.... then after some time maybe she can have a clearer yes or no picture.... but I guess I got that this afternoon.....
My point was that I was cramming loads of ideas into my head and throwing them at her in the short space she is here which then creates the arguments... So if she is here the whole time - albeit another room with no contact... The conversations would be a lot more relaxed and we could focus on living our lives.... Hopefully with the outcome of togetherness....

But -

She is not coming back until saturday for picking up the children.

Her parents (who I get on with better than ever now) are going to try to talk her round about the spare room maybe tonight.....

I *must* not look desperate.
I *must* not be pushy.
I *must* not start "the subject"
I *must* ride the storm - no matter how long.....
I *must* be strong - 2 women have approached me for a "night" now - they don't seem to understand why I am not interested!

I gave her the money for the glasses and some extra for fuel on top.

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Oh on a side note just for the record I don't hug 'everyone' in the pub :) - just a very few select close friends who are chosen family.... I'd look a bit of a nutter otherwise!

[Raymond]

MG you've written so much. Don't know where to start. But here goes.

Your wife obviously feels very neglected and this has been building up for a long perioid. You have your work cut out to turn it around. I don't know what the incident was 13 yrs ago but it sounds like you were unfaithful. If it was that then you would have to be extra careful now. Not just being faithful but avoiding even the appearance of doing something wrong. Her trust even after all this time has not been fully restored it seems. This is a biggie that you have to work out with her. You obviously love her but have been unable to convey your love so that it is perceived by her. That is why I thought the book about the love languages would help. Quality time is also an area you should work on. I know you are trying to deal with these things now but you are fighting against a backlog of memories that she has in her head and it will be an uphill battle.

Spending too much money is usually a woman's problem. Obviously she doesn't like waste. I don't really think this is crucial or shouldn't be, but she probably has her contribution in this.

Her self esteem is very low it seems which should never be the case as it is in your power to change this through encouragement and compliments. Spending quality time with her would be a big compliment to her, but is it too late? There are ways to build a woman up through words or whatever. From what you say it should have been mainly physical touch, hugs etc. You have learned this now and I hope you are able to practice it when the time comes.

It was good that you sat with her through her illness but you cannot pin your whole case on this as in the end it is the normal every day things that count. Defending yourself to me won't help as it is what she feels now which is important and you job is to change her perception if you mean business.

Well done for resisting those two temptresses. That definitely would have been the end of it.

Your five musts are good. Try and stick to them. Well done for giving her the money. Anything you can do to show her you love her is a bonus as she obviously feels used and is kicking against it.

The main thing is to continue loving her in a practical way and not be defensive. Admit to her where you have failed. That will go a long way. Also have a bit of patience. She will know if you have changed over time. It is not done by one presentation. Anyone can do that.

If you have really changed there will be fruit in your life that she will perceive in her own way.

I really hope you are able to win this battle and it will be a battle. A battle against yourself probably.

Raymond

[MadGerald]

Thank you Raymond, I am sorry the reply was long but I am just spilling off stuff as it comes out.

Looking at the amount of views this thread gets I see I am not alone. I urge anyone in a similar situation to start talking on here or anywhere as it really does help...

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Overall the last two days have been great - I've been speaking much better to my wife but thats not to say the boundarys have changed....

If anything a little further paranoia on my side now, my latest mobile phone bill came through and she is on my account, and it shows loads of texts and calls to one of my long term best mates.... 20 texts a day roughly....

She took the kids back today and told me she was going to take them to the beach so I asked if I could join them for the children. She paused for a while then shook her head and said she would rather be alone.

Whilst I was out getting a cable for her internet connection at her mums I spotted her with him...
Now my head is playing tricks with me but I really don't think anything is going on - at least I hope. I believe she is confiding in him as an external to us and her family.... once again at least I hope....

She has gone completely silent on me now and will probably stay that way until I get the children back on wednesday....

The 'handover' was good though - I washed my daughters school uniform, and my sons baby suits, gave them all back to her and told her all her clothes have been washed aswell so she could help herself to what she needed....

In all fairness though when she returned from the beach the general atmosphere was good and she said if it wasn't for my daughter playing up over an ice cream and screaming all the way home she would have come with me to the lake to feed the ducks together as a family....

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like many other threads on here I am really just looking for some kind of closure.... if she is with someone else fine at least I can get on with my life and love the children as I always have......
Its living in limbo that is the killer.....

But i will be strong and ride the storm until I have conclusive proof she has gone...... Thank god for my good friends.... They have helped me so much....

Once again time will reveal all....

[Raymond]

It is one thing to sort out marriage problems. It is quite another if her head has been turned by another. I hope it is not the case. If it is you don't want to be forking out money.

As it is we don't really know. If it is still on the basis of your attempt to mend the marriage then I should't worry too much about the money just now. It is a difficult period and a confusing time. Another man puts a completely different slant on everything. Don't act on that though until you know as you may inadvertantly be destroying the good work you are doing. Signs will come one way or another in time. You shall see.

Raymond

[MadGerald]

Raymond I am happy to say there is no one else. She already knew I was going to ask her and its all been confirmed and I believe her.

However it changes nothing with our situation. I really thought I was getting somewhere again today then this huge wall came up and she told me the only reason I wanted to get back together was to repair my bruised ego. This really hurt me once again. Really hurt me.

Other people have said to me that she just acts "too normal" among them completely avoiding the subject and its so out of character for her as she is normally a very emotional woman.

There was a mention of how life would be when other partners come into either of our lives and how we would handle it, and I mentioned, basically to avoid rumours and the situation that arose with her that one of our long term (female) friends was coming to see me this evening for a chat (and just a chat, I really mean that so its clear) and my wife definately showed signs of jealousy and hate, she started fiddling with her rings and bracelets and her leg was bobbing up and down etc... Then she said she didn't care if I see other women and can have sex with whoever i want as it doesn't bother her....

Well - sorry but I think (and hope) otherwise.....

She has found a house close by to our childs school and we went through moneys to see if it was affordable and it is so. But i said I would help with things any way I could and reiterated my offer of staying upstairs so we see the kids all the time and she has part time work at the bar, but still insists its a bad idea as I might read it as she is coming back...

She has not commenced papers for the house yet and is still at her mums.

She said to me she is 99.9% sure she is done with me and moving on.

The fight continues. The strength I recieve from this forum and my friends drives me on.

Thank you again, Raymond.

[Raymond]

I hope she didn't mean about the 99.9% sure about leaving you. The thought of you with another woman does affect her, so the jealousy is a good sign.

What is really a blow in the guts is when she says you are only getting her back because of your bruised ego. They are the words of a woman who doesn't feel loved for herself. Our main purpose here was to get her to feel loved by you. The battle is still on it seems and it is very difficult for you. If you really love her you will have to find many different ways to show it. I know you have worked on this and it must feel discouraging for you, but you cannot give up now. It will not happen overnight but a little here a little there will surely come accross in the end, although you must reserve a place inside you that is ready to accept the worse even while believing for the best.

Raymond

[MadGerald]

Well I thought i'd give an update, its been a while now.

She seems to be very happy in her new life, and I asked her directly that question today. "Are you happy?" She replied "yes, sorry"

She has refused my offer to keep the payments up on her car and is actively looking for a cheaper one.

It also seems no matter what I say or do it is wrong. Perhaps this is all part of it, making her own decisions etc and not feeling controlled by me... I still stay in contact with her family and constantly remind them how much love is here.

I am holding on to the hope that when she does find her own house the novelty will wear off and reality will kick back in and maybe she will start thinking.... this could be months but I will still wait.

She knows I took the children out again to a lake to feed the swans and then to a local castle to look round. It was a great afternoon overall but would have been so much nicer as a complete family.

She has agreed to come with me to our next outing but told me directly not to read anything into it. So I am just being the nice guy as best I can and taking a day at a time.

Although I must be honest here some very pretty females have been in the bar and my mind is starting to wonder a little. Its getting very hard to resist the urge, purely just for companionship which I miss so much right now.

[MadGerald]

Well its been another month so I thought I should come back and conclude this thread.

A lot has changed in my life now, at the beginning of July I started to settle in my new routine on my own, and that helped me think about the past and the future, and for the first time I actually felt comfortable in myself.

I looked at the little day to day things and she was right all along, the passion had gone and it was just a case of being together just because its what we knew.

I am so happy in my single life now and haven't felt this alive in a long, long time.

Fate has landed me an absolutely perfect lady who fits my current lifestyle to the tee! Although we are only very close friends at the moment she really does make me feel like I am back in school!! We have started some light dating and to have that stomach turning feeling back again after all this time is soooo good :)

She also gets on very well with my children, who I have for three days in the week.

There will always be time for my wife and I will help her whenever I can, but as for a reconciliation, its gone way passed that and we both feel happier now where it stands. Its also better for the children that they see us talking happily rather than arguing.

Thank you, Raymond, and all in this forum, for your support in what was probably the toughest time of my life.

My paths are set again now, and I have control over my emotions again. Time works absolute wonders, so to all those who are going through the pain of potential seperation, please read this thread, and understand things will get better, whether you repair your marriage or not you will heal, and become a better person for it.

Regards all,

MG

[Raymond]

I think you acquitted yourself with honour Gerald. In the end she left you and there was nothing you could do about it although you tried your best.

I hope things really work out with the new love in your life. You are now a much wiser man.

Raymond