parents and teen marriage

[kymuii]

My parents have just started worrying about how serious my boyfriend and I are, and have started limiting our time. We have been together for nearly a year, and he is absolutely the best friend I've ever had. I have more in common with him than anyone I have ever known--our personalities, beliefs, backgrounds, etc. Both of us are at a level of maturity uncharacteristic of our age group, and we are in love beyond words. Of course my parents could never understand; they think it's naive puppy love or infatuation. But I've never felt closer to anyone; when we're together, we get sublime feelings of utter contentment and security. We've grown out of our previous rebellion together, bringing each other closer to God in the process. He is the most amazingly passionate person I've ever known--his convictions are so strong--he is an incredible guy. He's very gentle, sensitive, and caring. Nothing would make him happier than to provide for me the rest of his life, and nothing would make us happier than to spend the rest of our lives together. We have thought this through, and he could easily provide for us doing what he loves. He even says he would love paying for me to go to college. We totally understand the lifetime commitment this would be; our relationship contains boundless love, tenderness, total intimacy, mutual understanding and sacrifice. However, I'm sure our parents would not be extremely thrilled at the prospect of our marrying so soon. We are both 17 right now; I wish I could explain our relationship more so that I could eliminate any shadow of a doubt about our genuine love at such a young age, but that would take quite awhile if it was even possible. We'd love to get married after high school when we're each 18, but we know our parents would object to such an early marriage. Being "legal adults" at that time, we could go ahead regardless what they say, but we really want their support. Of course my boyfriend plans on asking my dad to marry me beforehand, but what if he says no? (Which seems likely right now.) Should we just TELL them we're going to and hope they can live with it, or wait for forever....? We can't stand being apart, and our lives would be so wonderful together...I know it won't be perfect--please don't think I'm being naive. We have no doubts that it would be a successful marriage; I just wish I could make them understand how much we love each other. Is there some way we can make them understand? What can we do? ADVICE PLEASE!!

[Liz]

Your posting takes me back to my young adulthood. My parents were concerned that I was rushing into things, yet I knew deep down in my heart that David was the man for me. I didn't want to listen to their concerns, I knew what I knew and our lives were spread out before us full of hope and excitement.

In fact the reality proved to not be as simple as we thought. It took a lot to meld together two very different individuals, to face up to and accept the parts of each other that we hadn't noticed or hadn't come to the fore before. We have come through and have a strong and happy relationship, but we do encourage you not to underestimate what you are taking on.

David and I had a short time apart, when things went wrong between us, then we had to be apart because of his job. It gave us the chance to learn more about ourselves, to see how we coped relating to others of the opposite sex when we were apart, to learn to trust each other at such times. We had the chance to discover who we were as adults and individuals before we committed to the self-giving and permanence of marriage.

Now my children are all teenagers and I feel anxious at times about their interest in members of the opposite sex. I know how easy it is to get hurt and I want to protect them. That may be how your parents are feeling, concerned for you and wanting to protect you. It's a hard line for parents to walk, because they want their children to become independent confident adults, but they also long to share what they have learned of the pain out there.

You only have to read the other postings on this forum to see what's at stake. We all think we know our spouses, but it can take a lifetime to do that.

Love is more than feeling good about each other, there will come times I can guarantee when you won't feel like that, when love will involve your will, a decision to stick to your commitment.

We would encourage you to read some books and even consider doing something like FOCCUS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/foccus/) or Prepare/Enrich (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/prepinc/) to explore your relationship. If you do decide to get married make sure you do some marriage preparation (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/) and then enrichment once you are married.

Don't write your parents off. They may well understand what you are going through. They may have felt much like you when they were younger. They may be worried about the effect of your relationship on your studies. They will also want to be convinced that you understand the commitment you are making and that you are aware of the disadvantages of making this decision so early. Couples do marry this early and do have happy strong marriages. If you show you are willing to listen to their experience and wisdom, then they are more likely to recognise that you have thought this through. It really is best to have the support of your parents if you can. Every marriage needs outside support from friends and family.