Is my marriage even fixable at this point?

[KGC]

I and my husband have been having a lot of problems for a long time, but we keep it pretty much to ourselves until a couple months ago. It started when my husband say he’s not going to retire in six years. I was extremely disappointed by this. Jack has been in army since he was 17 then Delta Force since he was 22 years old. He has been working as a government statistician ever since he got out of the military.

We got married right after he got out of the army when I was 24 and he was 28. We have been married for almost fourteen years, but for more than half of those times, my husband haven’t been home and it just seems that he spend more and more time oversea every year.

It has always been my dream to have a decent house, a couple kids, and have a happy family life. I feel like I have pretty much all of those expect for my husband. We have three children from 6 to 12, a decent house, and everyone keep compliment on what a great family we are even though my husband is hardly ever home.

So it was very upsetting for me when my husband says he’s not retiring any time soon. My husband says that he’s happy when he’s oversea doing his job and when he’s home, he’s just unhappy.

At home, Jack is always finding every excuse in book to get out of the house. He’s almost always training for half triathlon, at shooting range, paint ball range, at judo or kick boxing dojo, and rock climbing. He also often end up doing whatever one of his younger crazy friends can come up with such as sky diving, scuba diving, kayak, and other things. It’s not uncommon for him to be up before sun raise and get home after 9 or 10 pm. If I comment about anything he’d just say he’s not going to sit around and do nothing all day. I’d love to do more, but it is just so hard with all kids having very different interest and always at least one not wanting to do whatever everybody else is doing. Also I don’t have the energy to do what he likes to do and the house needs to be taken care of. Beside that, I really don’t think this type of thing is normal for a man that is almost mid 40’s.
For those rare times when Jack is home, he’s always busy with looking at map, researching other countries, researching new fire arms, learning more about current events around the world, or studying new languages. Jack has never really liked movies, video game, or television which just made the kids and him even more distant toward each other.

Other thing that drives me insane is, Jack look like he’s only in early or mid 30’s and dress decently and is very flirty. So a lot of women include those of college age are always trying to flirt with Jack. I don’t really like to go out with him that much because he’d often get hit on and he’d flirt with them a bit. If I complain about it, he’d get say he has always been this way and I use to never have any problem with it.

But what happened a couple nights ago was just last straw. I tried to talk to Jack about his job to figure out why he doesn’t want to retire. He says he just enjoy the job and being able to travel so much. It eventually leads to him admitting that he almost had an affair.
He says he has been taking out girls for a while. He has considering about having an affair for years but has never done it. He says it’s just so hard when he’s unhappy with marriage and younger European girls keep throwing themselves at him.
Jack also says he’s unhappy with how I’m not the person I use to be. He says that I no longer try to look good, look at sex just as a chore, doesn’t want to go out and do things any more, and how he just cannot really talk with me any more because I don’t really talk about anything beside family and house.

I’m so upset and lost about the whole thing. I don’t know what to do any more.

[Raymond]

I can understand where he is coming from KGC. Mid forties is very early for someone to retire. He obviously needs to work and be active. A lot of men are like this. He might feel he has lost his whole purpose to retire so young. The only thing I can see is for him to get a job locally and see you more. I think you have to be careful not to resent the things he does and somehow be a part of them even encourage him. He could be doing a lot worse things.

You have not been able to do these things it seems because of the children and are looking after the home and them which is very good.

Somehow you have drifted apart and he is in danger of having an affair. It is a fault in him flirting with younger women when he is married to you. The only encouraging thing I see is the children will grow up and he will slow down. I don't think you can put a chain on him.

One thing you can do is to use the time when he is home and try to enter a part of his world, even a little of it. There must be one interest you share with him. You have married a very live wire and you have to accept that I think but there is danger lurking from other women abroad which is the biggest problem. Thankfully nothing has happened yet and one can only hope that he remains faithful to you.

Raymond

[KGC]

If he retires in six years, he'll be 49 years old. He says he's not planning on retiring for a very long time because he enjoys his job so much. So if I am lucky, he’d retire in early 50’s or even later if he’s not going to retire at 49. Plus the kids will be almost grown by then and he’d not be around for them at all.

I’m also afraid that he’d eventually end up having affair for real. It’s really bugging me because he’s almost never home. He also says he cannot get any job locally because he’d not enjoy them or get paid enough.

It’s so hard to get into things he’s in. He’s always interest in things that I know absolutely nothing about and doesn’t really care much to know about. Also he always likes to do things that I just cannot do because of physical demand.

I’m kinda on fence about separating from him and see what happen from there but I don’t know if I’ll do it. I’m so afraid of having to move out of this house, may even get a job to support myself and the kids. I don’t know what I would tell the kids either. I know the impact won’t be good on the kids at all either.

I wish Jack would be a better family man.

[Raymond]

I didn't mean to suggest you do the physical things KGC. I meant you might be able go with him and be around sometimes.

I think this is probably a case where he is putting absolutely everything into his career with no adjustments for his family life at all it seems. He's in another world out of choice with the attendant temptations that it is bringing. Sounds to me like a very gifted person but also a bit selfish. He has grown apart because he has allowed himself to and has almost become independent in the wrong way. The signs were probably there but it looks like he has ignored them, probably seduced by the success he is having. There is nothing wrong with success but it has to be handled right. Not many can as it happens.

I think you have to keep working at it. He hasn't been unfaithful although a desire has been expressed to have an affair. That does show a disrespect for the marriage which is dangerous. Your choice in the end may be between money/security and self respect. Only you can make that choice if it has to be made, but don't give in without a fight in letting him know how you feel.

Raymond

[KGC]

Yesterday I finally had a chance to have a long talk with Jack. He admitted that ever since he got out of the military, he has never lost any of lust for similar thrill. I asked him if his current job ever provide him that, he just chuckled and say it definitely come pretty close. He says that being in other country is exciting enough for him. I find this hard to believe since he has basically lived most of his life oversea. So I have no idea what is going on in his head when he say he enjoy his job which is basically what many would say is a desk job. Especially when he cannot stand be in the house for more than a couple hours. Every time I try to ask him what it’s about his job that make it more tolerable, he just say the feeling of being in place beside his own home. This man use to do lot of undercover working and got placed directly in fire line and put his life on risk on regular base. So I really don’t get it at all! Only thing I can think of is that he must have toned down due to age, but it is still way too tame for his taste.
Other thing Jack said is, when he first married me, I was more eager to try going and doing new things with him. So he thought that I’d not be so protective of the kid and would encourage them to come with us. But after our first son was born and he saw how protective I was, he thought I’d get over it when our son is a bit older. But as older he get, he just get more into video game and television, so now he have absolutely no interest in going outside or doing anything physically demanding. So Jack just can’t really relate anything with the kids. I feel Jack is being really careless with the kids and think it is normal for kids to be outside playing all day and getting hurt and bounce back and continue to play. Also I think he have extremely high expectation of the kids. I don’t think kids are ready to do many of his activity when they’re not even a teenage yet. Jack on other hand thinks I’m just too overprotective of the kids and that is the reason they’re perfectly happy to stay in the house in front of the television all day.

I also tried to talk to him about the affair part. Jack say he never really know anyone when he’s out of the country for a long time. He say he’d make friend then a couple months later they’d just stop stay in touch. So he often would just go to socializing event to dance, have a coffee with someone, or just join in a group conversation in a bar. That’s other odd thing too. Jack doesn’t even drink at all but yet he says he often goes to bar to meet and talk with people. Jack keep tell me that bar is very different over there than it’s here. When he’s here, he avoids bar like plague and rarely goes to any socializing event. So I ask him what he usually does when he’s off work for a day or two. He says he’d do what he usually does here if possible.
Jack say he feel more comfortable and at home around other foreigners. So he often really regrets it when he comes home because he just feels so out of place when he’s here. Since I am not the person he uses to know, it just made thing even harder on him. Then Jack tried to use that as an excuse for why he almost had an affair.
When I asked him about the furthest he had went. He says he has kissed a couple girls on the lips. I asked him if he’s still in touch with any of them, he says no. Then I tried to get him to tell me more about some of the girls, but he refuse to say anything. This really upset me, but at least he didn’t seem to take this girl seriously and didn’t do anything much worse. It made me feel really insecure though. But I try to be understanding. I’m sure he must have at least some morals left in this marriage. If he’s gone for most of the marriage and this was the worst he has done and many would have done more. So I’m trying to not be so negative about everything.

At the end, I told him by the time he gets back, he has to make his mind up about whether to stay in the marriage or not. If he choose to stay in the marriage, he will have to at least try to find a new career locally even if it mean we’ll get paid less and he’ll not be as happy. I told him I and the family would do as much as we could to support him and try to make him happy. But he has to be part of the family or it will just not work out. I also made sure that he knows if he decide to not stay in the marriage, I’ll do whatever it take to make sure that children’s life will not be so dramatically different from what it use to be. I don’t want them to have any of the burdens of this on them. Jack says he’ll have his mind make up when he come back.

I really don’t know what else to do or say. I’m much more worried about the kids than anything else. I’m afraid that if Jack decides to not stay in marriage, I and the kids will have to move out of this house and part of the city. Also I’ll not have the moneys I use to have so I don’t know what will happen with everything else and I’m worried that this could affect the kids as well. I’m just hoping that if Jack decided to leave, the impact on the kids will be minimum.

[Raymond]

Sounds like he is married to his way of life still. I wonder if he even understands what marriage is about. He probably sees it as being tied down when in fact it is the opposite. The freedom one can have in a good marriage is tremendous. He has a lot of good points like not slipping morally that much while abroad. His active non drinking life is quite commendable. It is a pity he could not pass something on to his children. I don't think passively watching TV all day will help them that much. He has a lot to contribute to them instead of switching off because they are not doing the things he likes. You are probably over protective as my wife is and he could have helped in that area as a father. I don't think he has taken up many of the responsibilities of marriage which is sad. You would have changed to a certain extent had he opened up to you more.

Obviously he is now going to have to think about everything you said and hopefully some good will come of this. Did he grow up in a happy home or were there problems in his family? I have met others like this in the army and while they were successful they just couldn't settle. Many of these came from broken homes and at last found acceptance in their careers but I don't think they were ever really happy. Marriage is not a game and does take a certain amount of commitment and faithfulness, but the rewards are great I have found.

I really hope it works out right. It is very difficult for you, but you have been honest with him and you must now await the outcome. The more you talk the better it is I feel. You must feel like a single mother sometimes.

Raymond