My husband doesn't love me anymore

[Wendyt]

My husband first told me he didn't love me in December last year. He told me he was getting feelings for an online friend of his. I know her as well but we've never gotten on so we never really spoke. Well he spoke to a counsellor in January and it was left for a bit, I asked him not to speak to this person as I didn't think it was appropiate anymore and he said ok.

About a month or so later he said he had got his feelings straight and that he did love me and this person was a blip and he didn't feel anything else for them. So I said I was ok with him chatting to this person again (this person wasn't aware of his feelings).

My husband had to go and do some work training in San Francisco for 2 weeks, we had a little talk about a week before he went and I said that I think we still have problems and we need to work on them. He admitted he still wasn't sure about his feelings for me and that he would have a good think about us and where we are going while he was away.

We talked on Msn etc.. while he was away but he wasn't giving much away regarding his feelings and I didn't wanna pressure him so I backed off a bit although I did notice before he left he was treating more like a friend than a wife :(

He came back and we were getting on great but we hadn't really discussed anything. One night (friday after he came back) He was was keeping me up snoring so I got up and I started surfing the net on his laptop, he had left himself logged into a chatroom and this person has sent him a private message, curiousity got the best of me and I looked.

I think it's safe to say I didn't like what I read. It wasn't anything sexual, there was inappropiate flirting and a hellva lot of lovey doveyness that you would associate with a romantic relationship. I couldn't read it all as I was so upset, I confronted him straight away. He said nothing happened, which is true but having feelings for someone and actually telling that person those feelings is bad enough. The worst thing is that this woman isn't even interested in a relationship with him (she has someone else she wants to be with) but she didn't put him off she just carried on with it. Carl said that he was a lot more messed up than he admitted when he was in San Francisco and that by the end of the second week he has decided that his future lay with me and Phoebe, what I saw was an older chat log from a week before and it was over, although he was still speaking to her as a "friend".

I do believe him although I found an email after this happened from her full of flirting which really didn't help with the trust (esp when he replied with flirting). I told him if he wants our marriage to work I want no contact at all with her. He actually thought that chatting to her in a friend capacity wouldn't do any harm.

Anyway, he is going to counselling on his own to sort out his depression issues and we going to go to relate to fix our marriage.

Last night he said he was pretty sure that he doesn't love me and he doesn't think we have a future together. He still wants to go to relate but I do feel as if he's given up hope completely.

Can we survive this?

Thanks for listening.

[lonelylass]

Hi Wendy,

If you are both willing to make compromises, I think you could work through this, but trust is an awfully hard thing to regain, be it an emotional affair or physical one.

Do you know why he is depressed? Has he spoken to you about it?

Depression can really mess with your emotions and he may not be thinking straight at the moment.

All I would suggest is that you put everything into saving your marriage, and ask him to do the same. If he respects you he will cease contact with this woman and give more time to you and your marriage.

LoLa x

[Raymond]

Seems to me Wendy that your marriage is up and down on a helter skelter of feelings. If he is just going by feelings all the time then it is going to be a movable feast. The commitment to you seems to be missing and you seem subject to the whim of the moment. There will be lots more of this if he doesn't get his act together. I hope relate can sort it out out. Right decisions produce right feelings not the other way around. When we are romancing our spouses before marriage we are given a gift to choose whoever we feel. This romantic high can last up to two years perhaps once married. Then the real love and relating to each other as persons starts. Once we have chosen, a commitment is made through marriage including vows. The main strength of a marriage is choosing to honour, love and be faithful to the one you have chosen. If it was subject only to feelings you would never make it through the tough times if they come. You are right to stop him ***** footing around with this girl on line. (Why did they blank that out? It was only the word for a cat). He is married to you and that is the start down a path to being unfaithful. I wouldn't be surprised if his depression was working along the same lines. I feel good I'm up. I feel bad I'm down with nothing in between.

I think a commitment to you will solve all his problems. He has already chosen you to be his wife. Nobody forced him. The next field can seem greener but thats only a feeling as well that is usually wrong as you have to do the dirty on your partner to get there and thats what you take into your next marriage.

I know that this does not help you but that seems to be what is going on. You can't blame yourself. Us men need to keep our vessels and not give in to temptation. Trouble with some of us men is that we never see the gold beneath our feet until it is too late. I really pray they sort him out in relate. At least he is willing to go there so there is hope.

Raymond

[doormat]

hi wendy

i had a similar situation with my ex-husband, he suffered depression and nothing i did could help him at all, if i left him alone, i was told i was ignoring him, if i tried to help, i was smothering him, etc, it was a very hard time and he constantly rejected me. he too found comfort in another friend (a woman) tho i firmly believe they never had an affair, it hurt me that he couldnt turn to me for help. unfortunately, that was one of the nails in the coffin for our marriage.

we did go to relate, he found it a help but i knew we were already past the point of no return, my heart really wasnt in it to get the marriage to work again, he had hurt me too much.

point is, if you both want things to work out, then you can, it will take time and a lot of hard work, but if its what you both truly want, then it is possible. its good he is getting counselling, it may help him to realise what he wants. please remember tho, that you have your own independance and your own life too, dont make the mistake i did, of hanging on for him to want me, i became mum and wife and ceased to exist in myself anymore.

i hope you can work things out if its what both of you truly want.

doormat
-x-

[Wendyt]

Thanks. When he says he sees no future for us and doesn't really have any hope for us it is heartbreaking.

Yesterday I was going out to meet with a friend, he told me I looked beautiful but he still feels nothing when he looks at me.

I really hope that relate help us.