Question

[Unregistered]

I live in a small midwestern town and was raised with Christian values. I have been married for 31 years to my high school sweetheart. Most of our years have been a struggle with his behaviors but he has made a real concious effort since our children have grown to be a better husband. Here is my problem with him. This last week on Thursday he received an opportunity to go to the super bowl in New Orleans with a friend - at no expense to him. Of course he jumped at the chance - I do not believe in doing things like little vacations seperately but he would not accept no for an answer. I don't think I would have minded him going to the Super Bowl - great opportunity - but I did resent him going with 3 other guys from Thursday til Tuesday! Of course they have hit all of the party spots. He does at least 2-3 times a year leave town for either classes or work - which is hard too. When we were first married he had an affair with my best friend but I do believe that I am over that - I think I could have totally gotten over all of that but he is an open flirt with ever woman he meets - attractive or not. He will go out of his way to get to know them. He never
would admit to that but he has the last couple of years. He tells me that he is a flirt but he is harmless - how harmless is flirting when the women start acting funny?

Here's my problem.............Am I being too possessive not to want him to do these things/trips without me - should I ask him to give up these opportunities?

I am so confused!

[Kate]

It can be difficult to trust our partner sometimes. If your husband is making a thing about flirting with women then you are bound to feel a bit unsure. Have you tried talking to him and asking him why he enjoys doing it? You might share with him how you feel when he does it. If you do these things without reacting, just so you can understand each other, it might help.

We don't always realise or want to face up to the effect our behaviour can have on our wife or husband. If it's brought out into the open, then it has to be faced in some way. It sounds as if he has made the effort before to mend his ways for your sake, so perhaps he will be willing to again.

The issue of trust is an important one. It would be far healthier if you were able to trust him to be away from you sometimes. There is an article on the site about Learning to Trust again (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/). Perhaps it may give some food for thought.

[oluwasogo]

Originally posted by Unregistered
I live in a small midwestern town and was raised with Christian values. I have been married for 31 years to my high school sweetheart. Most of our years have been a struggle with his behaviors but he has made a real concious effort since our children have grown to be a better husband. Here is my problem with him. This last week on Thursday he received an opportunity to go to the super bowl in New Orleans with a friend - at no expense to him. Of course he jumped at the chance - I do not believe in doing things like little vacations seperately but he would not accept no for an answer. I don't think I would have minded him going to the Super Bowl - great opportunity - but I did resent him going with 3 other guys from Thursday til Tuesday! Of course they have hit all of the party spots. He does at least 2-3 times a year leave town for either classes or work - which is hard too. When we were first married he had an affair with my best friend but I do believe that I am over that - I think I could have totally gotten over all of that but he is an open flirt with ever woman he meets - attractive or not. He will go out of his way to get to know them. He never
would admit to that but he has the last couple of years. He tells me that he is a flirt but he is harmless - how harmless is flirting when the women start acting funny?

Here's my problem.............Am I being too possessive not to want him to do these things/trips without me - should I ask him to give up these opportunities?

I am so confused!

[Unregistered]

Has he ever had and affair in the 31 years you've been married? Do you have a reason not to trust him? If my husband had the opportunity to go the the Superbowl - free, I would certainly not tell him he couldn't go because I was insecure and overly possessive. Put yourself in his shoes. After being married for so long do you really think he would cheat on you? Why would you want your husband to miss out on this once in a life time opportunity? I certainly hope that after 31 years of marriage that mu husband and are a little more secure in our relationship.

[Sherelle]

You do sound insecure and possesive and from what you say I can see why. Your man is an open flirt and does not appear to respect your wish for him not to continue. Maybe he flirted with your friend all those years ago and this lead to an affair. This man betrayed you very early in your married life and whilst we belive we move on with our lives. There is a part of you that has never moved on.

Having said this - this does not mean that he has "bad intentions" for his trip, nor does it say that he cannot be trusted now.

It is a shame that after 31 years of marriage (and you don't say whether you are happily married) that you are not both able to have seperate adventures.

You don't say whether you are able to go away whilst he is away - perhaps visiting family and friends, as this may help with the loneliness whilst he is away.

Ask him honestly and take his word for it. He will have to live with his conscience. Somehwere deep down I feel you know your husband better than your note reads.

So I ask you - do you think your husband will...