Dont know what to do!!!!! or do I???

[confused.com]

Hi..
I am very new to this forum and this is my first post. I have gone through a couple of posts here and feel i can relate to many situations here and it makes me feel a lil better to know i am not alone...

About myself i have been married for 4 yrs now and my problem is there has not been much of a sexual contact between me and my husband....its been a year now that we have gone without any sexual connection whatsoeve.....when we got married my sex drive was hitting the roof and my husband was never interested in it...dont really know why and never got an answer....we had other problems on the top of this and to cut a long story short it took us a while to get into good terms with each other

Today we have this very good 'friendship' going on between us....we understand each other better, he helps me around the house, takes care of me, his family is great nad treat my very well......but there is no intimacy whatsoever.....

I am so confused as to what i should do now....here i am with a husband with whom i dont connect sexually and he is a wonderful person otherwise and only the sex bit is missing....everytime i make myself understand its going to be ok...but i always end up sad and frustrated....dont know how long i can go on like this....

we have tried counselling but never got to the level of doing things that were lil tasks that were given to us..somehow..other things take priority in life...#

He talks about kids ( dont know how thats going to happen), always says its going to be ok and we will get through this...but it breaks me as everyday passes by and we have not progressed even one step.....

Anyways i found this website and thought of sharing...dont really know what to expect...

I am 28 and very scared to lead a life like this as i feel. i will end up breaking my own rules (affair!!):confused:...i dont really want to do it but feel very vulnerable.....

Is anyone in the same boat??

Thanks for reading my post.

Cheers
Confused.com

[Raymond]

Hi confused. Sorry to hear that you are in a sexless marriage as that is a very important aspect of marriage. You must feel like brother and sister at times.

I don't know your husband but I am going to put out the obvious just in case you haven't. This is quite blunt so be prepared. The first thing that comes to mind is pornography. Does he secretly get involved in it? This is like a mental adultery that takes in the sex drive and diverts it away from normal relations. This is quite powerful in some males and will seriously limit the sex drive in marriage diverting it to a sort of fantasy with the women in the porn. The other thing is solo MB. Some have developed it to such an art with all the attendant fantasies in their head that they don't want sex in a normal marriage. They are hooked instead on the fantasy and can't get free. Things like this could have built up long before marriage. Being Gay is another one. Some of them marry but are still Gay and cannot function in hetrosexual things. I heard of one the other week where the husband did not have sex because he only wanted a kind of dominatrix life and wouldn't relate sexually in a normal way. These are only a few feelers. If it is any of these things or others it will be well hidden from you but there will be signs. In the old days marriage was not consumated until IC had taken place. That meant the marriage could be anulled because it hadn't really happened. I know that marriage is not all about sex but it is an essential part and couples need the physical intimacy to help knit them together. If my sex drive wains sometimes I make the effort to stir it up, not that I need to that often, but I make the point that I know how important it is in marriage otherwise you begin to feel like brother and sister.

I'd really get to the bottom of this early. There are marriages on here that have gone on for years with this problem, if you read the threads and you do not want this. The niceness and helpfulness of your husband is not enough. Something needs to be done about this. We all have a sexual drive and sometimes it needs healing to be able to function normally. It is one of God's fantastic gifts within a marriage.

Raymond

[sswife]

Hi Confused

I see where Raymond is coming from. There are definitly so many things that it could be. But for some reason I don't think that it is porn. Men who have a problem in this area are often very selfish and selfcentered. Thinking about his own needs in all ways over yours.

The one thing that it could be is he could just naturally have a low sex drive and does not feel the need for it. I think that you could try making a non-negotiable date/sex night. He has to set the date, so he knows when he is not too tired. I feel that sometimes men neglect sex and they forget how good it actually is.

[Raymond]

How can a man forget or neglect sex so early on in a marriage? It is a bit difficult to believe but it may be the case. It's not right somehow. If one is not up to the physical then there is some kind of fraud to the wife in getting married. He might as well just have friends and be a eunuch. I really hope you are right SS. I thought people of low sex drive don't need it so often not that they didn't need it at all. I would be careful not to get fobbed off with something that is not genuine then have to endure a sexless marriage.

Raymond

[lonelylass]

Hi Confused,

I am wondering if maybe he has a medical condition (erectile disfunction?) or (and I know of three people this has hapenned to) he is maybe homosexual and is hiding this by getting married to appear 'normal'?

This as I say, has happenned to friends of mine, are there any signs?

LoLa x

[Raymond]

Amazingly enough ED can be a sympton of porn as well Lola. People emeshed in it are finding that they are losing the ability to perform in the reality of their marriages. Not saying that is the problem with the people you know, but a point worth considering.

Raymond

[confused.com]

Hi Guys
I dont think its porn...have never seen him interested in it.....he is very busy to do that....All he surfs on the internet is work related and educational sites....
ED could be one reason.....which i recollect has happened on one occasion..
Sometimes i feel its a bit of everything...
If i talk about the past i dont know why he wasnt interested and today i am not interested & i dont respond to one or two of his feeble tries.......
The counselling helped us to open up a lil bit wid past experiences..but we cudnt find a solution to our current problem...
What frustrates me more is whenever i talk about it he says its going to be ok and we will get through it...its already been a year without any contact now and i have given up!
I know i have to deal wid it now but simply dont know how....
Sometimes i feel starting afresh is the best way..but then where and how....I am scared ....
Anyways thanks again for all your posts...and i will keep you posted if there is any change.....we are going on a holiday next week and lets see if anything kindles between us....
Cheers
Confused.com

[jools]

Hi Confused
The one thing that occurred to me reading this is that whatever the problem and/or solution is, for God's sake DON'T end up getting pregnant while you have all these doubts! As it is - if it isn't going to work out at least you can move on and start afresh. With children involved, you will FOREVER be tied to this man in some respects.
Jools X

[lonelylass]

Hi confused,

I hope you do manage to work something out, the people I am referring to above are two women and one man by the way..........

I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious chat about your concerns, ask some searching questions and plea for some honesty, it's the least you deserve.

Sincerely hope you find the answer.........

LoLa x

[Raymond]

Let us know how the holiday goes Confused.

Lola. How do women get ED problems?

You don't have to answer that.

Raymond

[sswife]

Hi Confused,

I am wondering if maybe he has a medical condition (erectile disfunction?) or (and I know of three people this has hapenned to) he is maybe homosexual and is hiding this by getting married to appear 'normal'?

I am sure Lola was refering to homosexuals not ED, if you see the placing of the or and then the brackets ( ) homosexual.

[Raymond]

I'll hire you as my secretary SS Wife.

Raymond

[sswife]

Thanks boss.

Definitly could learn a thing or two from you. A man of wisdom.

Have a great day.

(I am from South Africa by the way, 10.30pm time to go to sleep).

[lonelylass]

Gold star SS Wife, that's exactly what I meant.

Raymond, back to the dictionary my friend!! Secretary eh? I thought that was your wife!! (Joking)!:D

LoLa x

[Raymond]

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/images/icons/icon6.gif

[confused.com]

Hi Jools

I will keep that in mind about not getting pregnant until this is sorted out.....even though our families have already started questioning us about it....

We do talk about it but i dont see a point....

Anyways thanks for all your support guys...

Cheers
Confused.com

[confused.com]

Hi Guys
I am back from my holiday and as i expected...nothing happened between us again...In the span of two weeks i admit i did not initiate even once and he made a feeble effort once but nothing happened....

We recently had our anniversary and it has hit me again how unhappy i am (Am sure he is as well)....a marriage that looks so good from outside but deep withing its nothing more than friendship....

I have spoken to him again and as usual he says its going to be ok..This time i have spoken about seperating for a while and re-thinking about what we are doing and where are we gonna go.....He is not admitting that he should have put more effort from his end and cannot cope with the idea of me leaving.........He is constantly telling me how devastated he will be if this ends up like this....
I am feeling bad for him but i really dont know what to think....if i put myself first i will end up leaving him....if i put his and the families feelings first i will never leave and will be sad and miserable all the time.....

He keeps telling me to make a sound decision and that he is a good man and is ready to do everything to make this work....but its me who doesnt see a future for this marriage....if something had to happen it would have happened when we got together for the first time....

Ohh i feel so lonely right now....

[Raymond]

I have never heard of a case like this confused. In all the apparent cases of this there turned out to be a reason like they were gay or practised solo MB or something. Having sex is one of the bottom line basics of marriage. In a sense you have been deceived even inadvertantly. Did he think you were too good to have sex? There are some people who are born Eunuchs. Very rare but they exist. Their calling is not to marriage and I think maybe he is not called to it. He values your friendship but that's not a reason to marry you. You need the chemical attraction as well. It is not just platonic as you know. Marriage has an earthy side and if that is not there part of you will remain unfulfilled.

In the old days if the marriage was not consumated (IC) then the marriage was anulled. You didn't even need a divorce and that might still be the case now. He obviously does not see the full picture. Marriage is more than paper. It is consumated by the marriage act. Theres no reason why you cannot remain good friends, but you know where my mind is leading.

Raymond

[confused.com]

Have finally decided and made up my mind......I have decided to seperate from him and see how it goes...

Have spoken to my family who is very supportive and have now asked him to speak to his.........he says he doesnt know what to tell him...but i am holding myself thinking its his problem...

I am giving him some more time to disclose this to his family ...and if he has not made any attempt towards this i would anyways move out....

I am a bit scared but at the same time it feels the right thing to do........i have pulled on for 4 yrs now...but not anymore!..

Thanks for all your support guys......i will keep you posted as to how i get along with this move...

Cheers
Confused.com

[Raymond]

Let us know how it goes CC. Please remain friends with him. You are not rejecting him but he is obviously not fully up to marriage I feel.

Raymond

[ashyah]

Confused,

I pray it goes well for you. I have a husband still married though we have been separated for 2 1/2 years. He would approach me every four years and that was because I asked him to. Your husband seems nicer though. Mine would not do anything for me. In between those four years there was not show of affection at all.
I became very depressed. Nothing excited or pleased me. Because my husband wasn't interested in me.

Take care of this problem now before it goes too far.I don't think my husband is gay. I have never known of another woman since we have been married or before. I just don't know.

I feel you should get some help for both of you. It sounds like he loves you? Is that the case?

[confused.com]

Hi Ashyah

Thanks for your prayers. I do need it at the moment. I think he does love me but unable to respond physically to it.

He expressed saying that he does not find me physically attractive...in fact never has...

It has been only 3 attempts in the last 4 yrs to make love and all of them were unsuccessful. He says he has never enjoyed it!!

The last time i remember he couldnt maintain the erection and was questioning his ability.

Yesterday during an argument he mentioned he has been to the Doctors (Never mentioned to me before) and they say there is nothing wrong with him but need to do further tests.

I was furious that he never bothered telling me this before. I am not sure if i should be furious...but i felt deceived!!......I now have serious doubts that he is trying to hide some physical problem that he has....

Since i have spoken about a trial seperation....he doesnt know how to handle the situation and knowingly or unknowingly hurting me in different ways......

I dont know where to get a man's perspective on this...but do know that no man will admit that.....

He has still not spoken to his parents who will get the shock of theri lives as they dont have the slightest clue of whats happening!!.....

I am feeling very hurt and think i have given precious 4 yrs of my life to this marriage and its all getting wasted..

CC

[ashyah]

I am questioning his comment about finding you attractive.
I feel that when someone is in love with you no matter how you look they will be attracted to you.
My husband never complimented me except for one time when I talked about a lipstick color he said I looked better in a certain shade. If I dyed my hair he didn't comment. When I lost some weight someone asked me how my husband felt about it I said he didn't say anything.
I don't know what to tell you . You must pray and ask for God's guidance in what you should do.
My husband also had trouble finishing the act. After he moved into a different bedroom I called him one day and asked him to be intimate with me. He said yeah I am a man. That night he came into my bedroom at 2am. He wasn't out just sitting in garage like he did every night. Like he didn't want to be in the house with me. That night he tried and couldn't finish. He came into the bedroom for four more nights on the fifth he finished. Then he was off again into his bedroom.I felt like a prostitute at least before he would say things like I love your body. That last night I said that I loved him. He didn't return it. Then later I asked him if he loved me. He said wasn't sure if he did or not. All of a sudden this man that I trusted so much scared me. I thought well, if he can have sex with me and not love me then that means that he will go out there and lay with anyone?
Plus it made me feel really bad. I got dressed and cried so hard.

[confused.com]

I am sorry he treated you this way. To be honest i now feel i dont need this man to tell me how attractive I am.....initially i use to feel the same way...i use to initiate every night and felt like a slut!!..honestly...i use to think and use to feel a lot of shame as if i dont have any self respect...

But i think its bcoz of all of this i have shut down today...deep down i know i am a strong person and will get through this bcoz i dont deserve this....

I am sorry you are in this situation...have you tried talking to him about your feelings?....or the reason why he is like this?

[ashyah]

Confused, I let my husband affect me in every way.His actions went on for 23 years. I cried every day.
I am not trying to bash my husband or yours.
What I am saying is that you have to work on you. Not to let someone whether they are sick or just plain don't love you for what ever reason bring you down.
I became very sick with depression. Don't get to the point where it will affect you that way.
Have your private time with God. Go about your day doing the things that need to be done. Like work , your children and keeping healthy.
You will be alright believe me. I have been separated for 2 1/2 years without a single call from him. I see him at my daughters house a lot now and all he does is just look at me if he has to. And, doesn't say anything. He detached a long time ago.

So, please take care of yourself. Don't let anything go too far. Like I did.

I can't tell you to leave him because I am a Christian. If he is seeking medical help at least he is trying. Mine never did.

[confused.com]

Hi All

He has finally spoken to his family and as i suspected they are shocked and hurt that we did not tell them about this problem before.

My H did mention that he rejected me in the first year and we have never been able to establish a physical relationship yet.

His parents are trying to make me understand that this is workable and we must try again. They said that if it doesnt work then they will agreee to the seperation.

My H is very hurt by my decision of leaving. Its hurting me to see him hurt but really dont know how to reduce his hurt.

I have lost all feelings for him and have framed my mind to move on....i have explained this to him but he still thinks we can work things out....

I dont know how to start again when i have come this far.....

Can anyone help...is this normal when you are the person who has taken the decision to move on to feel this way....i feel i am causing so much hurt....but i am just not able to see his point of view that this will work...:confused:

[ashyah]

Of course our parents and children want us together.My son in law is always talking about finding ways to get us back together. My daughter says I just want my parents to be happy.

We are the ones that lived or are living with this pain. There are still things that I haven't told my children or family members.

Physical intimacy is not all there is. But, it is very very important in a marriage. Right now I am aching so much for intimacy . Have to be careful .

I don't want you to go as long as I did 23 years. Yours seems to show love in some ways mine didn't.

Pray that God gives you strength. He will .

[Raymond]

I can't see how it can work confused. I had him down as a eunuch personally, who should never have got married in the first place. Now you find that he rejected you in the first year. In what way? Physically or in other ways? Something is terribly wrong somewhere. There are certain basics to even call it a marriage. His parents mean well but it is your decision not theirs.

If he doesn't find you attractive (which I am sure your are) why did he marry you? The whole thing is very puzzling.

There are certain marriage rights confused and as Ashrah said it is not all about sex but it is very important and a very intimate part of the relationship. Maybe him saying he doesn't find you attractive is an excuse for his lack of performance. Who knows? If you read the other stories there is a danger of you remaining a long term prisoner, which none of us wants. Every single one of them regrets it so please note it.

Raymond