Various issues past/present...

[Takalani]

Greetings...

I'm a first-timer to these forums, and basically wanted to discuss/get some things off my chest relating to my relationship with my husband and hopefully get some advice on how to handle my own issues and the issues in our relationship.

A little background... I'm one of those people who have struggled with weight my entire life. I have been overweight since 4th grade. My family, both parents and brother used to tease me about my weight. I'd also have a lot of problems with it in school. Because of that, I have some low self-esteme problems. It was largely these issues that lead me to my first 'boyfriend'. I dated a man for six years while I was in college/just out of college. I knew from the start he was bad news, but I thought 'who else could I possibly get'? Well, he ended up emotionally abusing me, blaming all the problems in that relationship on me, cheating, lying, and doing every other bad thing in the book you can imagine. Finally, he dumped me for a married woman and I struggled to piece my life back together again.

Shortly after I got out of that bad relationship, I met the man who would become my husband, through the internet. He was also in a harmful relationship, so I tried to pass on some of what I learned in my recovery process to him. Because I had already had feelings for him while he was still in this previous relationship, I always felt a bit jealous about it. I tried my best to contain it, knowing that he wasn't going to stay in that relationship. Still, his ex was drop dead gorgeous, and I couldn't justify in my mind why he'd ever choose to be interested in someone like me when he had someone like her... regardless of if she was emotionally/physically abusive.

So I guess that's where it all starts. Eventually he did get out of that relationship. He learned, and became a confident, loving, outgoing man who is happy with who he is. We lived in different countries, so we visited a number of times back and forth, talked on internet phone daily, and fell in love. We struggled for over a year through the emotional ups and downs of the immigration system, and he finally got here to the United States a little over a year ago. We had to have a quick marriage there-after because of immigration rules.

Since then, I've found that I struggle a lot with negative emotions. My husband is a wonderful, loving man, and I couldn't ask for anyone better in my life, but I feel consumed by fear that he'll find someone better and leave. He insists that he finds me pretty and I'm the one that he loves, but I just can't quite accept it. He has had plenty of girls show interest in him since he arrived here, and he just thinks they're weird.

So, I'm stuck falling back into habits I had with my ex. I snoop through things, constantly expecting to find some e-mail, chat-log or whatever with some other girl. I expect him to just disappear some days, and when he's late coming home from school, I get worried and panic. I just feel like I'm not good enough for this handsome young man and that it's just a matter of time before I find myself alone again.

What has gotten to me recently is that he suddenly wants to be more experimental in the bedroom. This is something that hasn't ever come up before, and seems to have come out of the blue. I found out that he was discussing his 'ideas' for such things with a mutual online friend of ours who was a former stripper. Later, when I asked about it, he said he just didn't know how I'd react and was hoping for input from someone 'in the know'.

So... that's kind of where I am. Should I be concerned about his change in bedroom habits? Do you have any suggestions on ways to calm my own personal fears brought on by past relationships and just accept that he loves me? Any advice you can offer would be great...

P.S. When I mention jealousy, it's really not an outward thing. My husband doesn't notice really. It's just how I feel inside about a situation.

[Raymond]

Hi Takalani. I answered your post in the lunchtime at work but lost it all when I posted.

I think you are taking your self esteem problems into the marriage Takalani. Nearly every problem you have mentioned is coming from that it seems to me. You cannot believe that someone can love you even though they do. Assuming he married you in all honesty and not just to get into the US, you must take it as a big compliment that he loved you and saw something attractive in you. Can't you accept that? It must be very frustrating for a man to express love when the girl does not receive it because she believes she is not worth it. All of us are worth something whatever faults we have. Your insecurity could bring out wrong behaviour with your suspicions and checking. You cannot lock a person up. They love you because they want to. Somehow you cannot believe it and that is to do with your own self worth. I think the best way to get over this is to give esteem to others and let them know they are worth something, even to your husband. It will come back to you with interest if you do it genuinely and not in a manipulative way. It is going to be a battle but you can win it.

As with the bedroom antics this does not necessarily mean that he has anything against you. He has probably discussed and picked up these things he wants to try as men do sometimes. It would be bad if he was using you as a guinea pig as a couple should always discuss any departure from the normal as sex is a relational thing just between the two of you. If you are not happy with anything it is up to you to say. You should not allow yourself to be used in the wrong way because you are afraid you will lose him as it will be a loss to your shared intimacy.

Raymond

[Takalani]

I think you are taking your self esteem problems into the marriage Takalani. Nearly every problem you have mentioned is coming from that it seems to me.

Err... Yes, that's really the entire point of things. My self-esteme issues and my past experiences are effecting my marriage. That is the entire reason I posted to begin with, asking for help/suggestions on how to get over past experiences and such issues.


You cannot believe that someone can love you even though they do. Assuming he married you in all honesty and not just to get into the US, you must take it as a big compliment that he loved you and saw something attractive in you. Can't you accept that? It must be very frustrating for a man to express love when the girl does not receive it because she believes she is not worth it. All of us are worth something whatever faults we have. Your insecurity could bring out wrong behaviour with your suspicions and checking. You cannot lock a person up. They love you because they want to. Somehow you cannot believe it and that is to do with your own self worth.


I'm afraid you're making some leaps here, some justified, some not. My husband, while concerned for me, really doesn't have any frustration or issues over any of this. He understands my issues, and is patient with them. He also understands my need for security and feeling secure due to past experiences, so he doesn't mind the 'snooping', nor does he feel 'locked up'. I came here looking for help, and your response is worded in such a way that it's only effect is to make me feel guilty for something I already know I have a problem with and I am trying to get help for. I'm afraid I don't really understand the point.


I think the best way to get over this is to give esteem to others and let them know they are worth something, even to your husband. It will come back to you with interest if you do it genuinely and not in a manipulative way. It is going to be a battle but you can win it.

I have gone this route, and unfortunately it really doesn't solve the problem. My husband used to have low self-esteme when he was in his own negative relationship in the past. I helped him see the better part of himself, get out of that relationship, and get to a point where he is happy with himself and where he is in life. Unfortunately, this really hasn't helped me personally. Sure, it's nice to see him happy with himself, but it doesn't change how I see myself.


As with the bedroom antics this does not necessarily mean that he has anything against you. He has probably discussed and picked up these things he wants to try as men do sometimes. It would be bad if he was using you as a guinea pig as a couple should always discuss any departure from the normal as sex is a relational thing just between the two of you. If you are not happy with anything it is up to you to say. You should not allow yourself to be used in the wrong way because you are afraid you will lose him as it will be a loss to your shared intimacy.


I'm actually fairly understanding about such things, but unfortuantely a lot of my negative reaction to it is due to the way he handled the situation. Instead of showing me what he was interested in, and discussing it with me... he instead went to a mutual online friend (the ex-stripper) and started discussing such things with her instead of with me. It made me feel as if this stranger we only know on the internet somehow was more important in such decisions than I was.

Without going into excessive detail... my husband and I did discuss it eventually, and I allowed him to experiment. He ended up forcing me to go further with it than I was comfortable at that point, and then later on reported the 'results' of his experiment to the same online friend. The fact that he felt the need to share our intimate details with a person just slightly above a complete stranger is what makes me very uncomfortable with his sudden change in bedroom habits. Since then, he has continued to look into his new-found fetish (which is fine, it doesn't bother me) but has started to hide the evidence of whatever he looks at. The fact that he can't be open with me about whatever interests him, and feels the need to hide it, makes me suspicious.

[Raymond]

Takalani I am glad your husband understands your issues. That must make it a bit easier for you. I'm sorry if I made you feel guilty. When one reads a first post wrong impressions can be read into things. It is good that you have helped your husband with his self esteem issues. You seem to understand more than was apparent in your first post.

I would say at a guess that your self esteem problems go back maybe even before you were being teased about your weight. That probably only re-enforced it. Did you have loving parents who spoke positive words over you? A lot of these things come from a feeling of rejection in early childhood which makes you feel less than other people. The effect of it either makes you rebellious or turns you inward too much. Either is unhealthy. Sometimes a false personality is created so that you have the real you and the created person you feel you should be but are not. Our self esteem is not helped by people accepting the false image because the real person, who one actually is, still hasn't been accepted and we cannot believe that they will be. Truth in a relationship is a great boon and marriage can be a big healer of this problem if there is truth and love between you.

I don't know where you are in all this Takalani. I am only putting out feelers. Actually I was brought up as an orphan so I had very deep experience of this. My healing started by coming to the Father through Christ and knowing his deep acceptance. Of course this had to be worked out in relationships and is an ongoing journey. In my experience most of these things come from early childhood usually through a lack of love or a lack of the right expression of it. What helps most is acceptance of one with all your faults. The knowledge that one can be completely open with their spouse.

With regard to the bedroom thing I agree totally that it is not good that your husband is sharing about your sex life with an ex stripper. Something wrong somewhere. What one does in the bedroom is between the couple concerned and not a third party. If you are not happy with things of course you have to say so. The worst scenario is that between them they might be foisting some fetish on to you which could change the whole nature of how you relate together. Sounds a bit unhealthy to me. I hope he is not watching porn as that can damage your sex life as it can become a kind of mental adultery in the male mind.

Raymond

[Takalani]

I would say at a guess that your self esteem problems go back maybe even before you were being teased about your weight. That probably only re-enforced it. Did you have loving parents who spoke positive words over you? A lot of these things come from a feeling of rejection in early childhood which makes you feel less than other people. The effect of it either makes you rebellious or turns you inward too much. Either is unhealthy.

Unfortunately, I don't remember much of those early years. From what I do know... I am the fourth born child in my family, with two older brothers having died prior to my birth. While I didn't know about them when I was young, I still remember 'feeling' that something wasn't right. My mother still refuses to talk about either brother and the little I know is from my father. There are no pictures, nothing. I think, and it's just a guess, that perhaps because of this, my mother had trouble bonding with me.

My parents both worked. I was in day-care until 2nd grade, when I started walking home from school myself. My brother was supposed to go with me, but he was 7th grader and couldn't slow down for his kid sister, so I spent a lot of time alone. My parents always favored my brother, and I took the brunt of the blame for a lot of things that weren't even my fault. While he always got bad grades and my parents didn't do much about it, if my grades slipped... I got into big trouble. There was always a huge dicotomy between what my brother was allowed to get away with, and what I was.

And, to more directly answer your question... no, my parents weren't terribly encouraging. While they would insist on attending awards ceremonies and such, they never said a word of congratulations for my good grades or achievements. They also were not very affectionate people. I can remember once in my life where my mother hugged me, and I can't remember any time since I was five that my mother or father has said that they love me.


Sometimes a false personality is created so that you have the real you and the created person you feel you should be but are not. Our self esteem is not helped by people accepting the false image because the real person, who one actually is, still hasn't been accepted and we cannot believe that they will be. Truth in a relationship is a great boon and marriage can be a big healer of this problem if there is truth and love between you.

I understand this one all too well, to be honest. I really withdrew from most people up until late high-school and early college age. I don't know that I created a false personality, but I tended to lose myself in my imagination rather than actually deal with reality. Easier to make up people who care about you than to deal with the fact that the real people in your life don't really seem to care. I somewhat 'grew' out of this in college, learning to be more self-sufficient.

Regardless of all of this, I am a very open person. I don't generally keep secrets and I am free with explaining how I feel and why. My husband knows most of my past, at least as much as I could remember or felt was important.


With regard to the bedroom thing I agree totally that it is not good that your husband is sharing about your sex life with an ex stripper. Something wrong somewhere. What one does in the bedroom is between the couple concerned and not a third party. If you are not happy with things of course you have to say so. The worst scenario is that between them they might be foisting some fetish on to you which could change the whole nature of how you relate together. Sounds a bit unhealthy to me. I hope he is not watching porn as that can damage your sex life as it can become a kind of mental adultery in the male mind.

The past week or so, which is where all of this came up, has been really tough for the both of us. I have been very open about things. I explained that I don't believe our sex life is anyone else's business and I found it rude of him to be discussing it with a stranger. I've also explained that while I do not mind his interest in experimentation, I don't approve of it being hidden from me. The whole point of a marriage is communication, right? I'm not being hostile at all about the fetish stuff, I just want it to be discussed with me, that's all. As for pornography, he generally doesn't watch it as far as I'm aware. However, we both enjoy artwork (drawings/paintings) and we frequently visit a site with some art pieces that could be considered pornographic/adult in nature. I think that this art site is where he first got the idea for his new-found experimentation, but I do not believe he uses it in a pornographic manner.

[Raymond]

I would say on balance that you could have suffered with a certain amount of rejection Takalani. Maybe your mother wanted another boy but whatever it was the important thing is that you perceived it in your spirit, which is enough to do the damage to your self esteem. A baby is very spiritually sensitive and can perceive these things even in the womb would you believe. A lack of affirmation, love or encouragement is enough for some children as they are the formative times when things go in really deep. From what you have mentioned you showed some aspects of it going through school. Children basically get their esteem through their parents. Although they relate to others as they grow older the more powerful effects are from childhood which are difficult to shake off. Some people try to excel in lots of things to gain acceptance, and it is a real drive in some, but the motivation is wrong and it doesn't work. Lots of people may admire them but it doesn't reach them as they need acceptance for who they really are. There are others who have good esteem from a happy childhood who don't struggle in that area but can do well in a more balanced way as their motivation is different. They don't need to prove anything.

Family is tremendously important. I say that as one who didn't have the benefit of one. Nevertheless one does not have to be a prisoner of the soil where one came from. There are lots who have suffered from bad parenting. For me personally my cure came from knowing God's love. I know that God thinks I am fantastic before I did anything right because He is a perfect Father. There are no favourites. If I am fantastic to Him then everyone is. It is just a matter of coming into His love through the Son who paid the price for our wrongs, if we will receive it.

The thing is to not receive any longer what you subconciously took in as a child. Recognise that what you perceived about yourself is not the truth but a lie, as we are all worth a lot. A good relationship without the fear of rejection will help a lot, but the stronger cure is through Christ because even if you are rejected you know He accepts and loves you and that acceptance is eternal. That is stronger than life itself.

Raymond