My partner doesn't like living with my son

[April]

I have been with my partner for 11 years. I had been divorced for two years when we started our relationship, with one son then aged 5. My partner moved out of the home where he lived with his wife and three children (then aged just 2, 5 and 9) into a house next door to them so that he could still see his children frequently. When I became pregnant and we decided I would resign from my career since we worked together and he was quite a public figure, and we didn't want gossip to affect our relationship or our children. He continued to live next door to his children for the next three years, spending every other weekend with our daughter and I, when my son was at his father's home. We tried to be as discreet as possible, because his wife was very hurt and affected by their separation and, until she started to rebuild her life, got a job and started a relationship, he understandably felt very responsible for causing so much grief - so did I - and she was adamant that their children would go nowhere near me (in her eyes I was the reason they broke up, although he assured me their relationship had been over when he told me he was in love with me). He was on hand whenever she needed help with their children, and in their divorce settlement made her sole owner of their home, their three children owners of their holiday home, and a very generous maintenance, all of which I thoroughly approved. I was fine bringing up my son and our daughter on my own as I was fortunate to have a very supportive network of friends who were on hand when I needed them. And I was used to being a single mother anyway. It was a bit difficult financially, but I managed to keep up with the mortgage payments and find another job in which I could work from home.

When our daughter was 3 and his ex was happy with another partner, he told his children about their sister, and we started to have family outings altogether, went on holiday a few times and then my partner bought the house next door to ours and we could finally be together more. His children were a bit wary at first - having been told by their mother that if our daughter didn't exist their father would never have left them - but I love kids and we soon built up a lovely relationship. The 5 children have had some integration problems over the years, but all five are now incredibly close and their mutual protection and affection and the way they help each other to me is a source of great joy. Five years ago my partner's middle son moved in with us (his mother who lives her partner agreed) and last year his daughter also chose to live here and spend every other weekend with her mother. I always wanted to have lots of children, and am happy they feel at home

The problem is my partner. He has never really liked my son and has always been very critical of the way I rear our children. I had a very happy family life, and have always wanted the same for our children. My partner has always said that since he is a boy it would be much better if my son lived with his father rather than with me. I have firm rules, but it is true that I am not as traditional as he is - I hate hitting children, whereas he thinks a good hiding can be good for a child. This has on the other hand, meant that his children have often confided things to me, and we have been made aware of situations they instinctively hide from him and been able to help them. His children have had problems with their school work and he blames himself and his separation for this. My son (blissfully unaware of the fact that my partner dislikes him) is a loud, healthy, happy, boistrous teenager who is doing very well at school, loves sport and will be going away to university next year. My partner resents his success, often makes comparisons and repeatedly says I would never have left my son for him as he did his children for me. My son's father is quite selfish and unreliable, and although he loves our son, he often cancels weekends with him, can't pay maintenance or goes away on trips without giving notice, and my partner strongly resents this and gets very angry with me. He also resents the fact that my son and our daughter have a very close and supportive relationship which I have always encouraged. I feel hurt and find myself increasingly withdrawing. I have stopped seeing most of my friends because my partner doesn't really like them either. I feel lonely and don't know how to reconcile my partner to my son.

Sorry to be so long - any advice?

[Raymond]

I would say you musn't be controlled by his views April. He chose to leave his children for you but that is his choice. You have to keep on being a mother to your children. It would be wrong of you to kick your own children out. They seem well adjusted and that is quite a feat these days. You seem a very good mother and also have an open heart to his children, treating them as your own. I wouldn't budge on this because it is messing with the lives of your children and I know you will fight for them. So don't abandon them. No way. There are some things we have to stand up for and this is one of them. We can adjust to many things for ourselves but this is to the detriment of others, your children, so you can't do it. That was your sons home long before they moved in and it is part of his security. He will leave eventually as he is growing into an adult. You don't want to mess up possibly the last opportunity you have to do him good.

You have got your work cut out keeping everyone happy but you owe it to your two that they will not suffer because of wrong choices.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

My feeling about "your partner" is that he is a morally bankrupt man who follws his inclination wherever it leads. He destroyed, with your assist, his marriage and the well being of his children.

Personally I don't understand people who take up housekeeping, without benefit of marriage. This is such a negative role model for the minor children caught in the mess of two selfish people. If you have been kind to his children that does not replace the loss of trust or their stable childhood in the loss of their home.

Your partner is "no partner" and is simply following his urges however that falls into place. How does one live in the community with children while living in an extended shackup? It seems very distasteful at best for the children who must hear a lot of snide remarks and are the butt of jokes.

He is simply uncomfortable to realize he has pygmy status in the eyes of his children while your relationship with your son seems intact. Perhaps a marriage certificate in the album is no longer a thought? It seems you are stumbling over the wreckage of the choices made when there are no boundaries either of character or of good taste. I hope the children have some degree of trust left and a sense for moral right. It is doubtful that they may have stable adult relationships as we pattern our family life.

You chose this man and with no committment it seems he may be
ready to move on. The issues of the children is just the tip of the iceburg.
You owe your flesh and blood everything. Long after this man or any man is history are your relationships with your children.

I don't think you see the big picture that your lifestyle has no guarantee for any continuity beyond the blowing of the wind.

[April]

Thanks Raymond for your comments and advice. Of course I could never fail my children and their health, happiness and stability has and always will be my main concern. It is just that I find my partners disapproval of my son and comparisons of how he had to give everything up for us to be together whereas I gave up nothing very wearing indeed and this makes me sometimes despair. I know it is true, and when he says that if I'd had to leave my son we wouldn't be together, that's true too, but I just wish he didn't resent that fact so much and then use that resentment to fuel his disapproval of my son, and the way I approach parenting of him and our daughter.

Thanks also 1aokgal for taking the time to write, although I think you are far too judgmental and out of touch with modern society. Marriage in the terms of a piece of paper is not important to me, long term commitment is. Our home is a very stable unit and certainly not a shack up. And our children are all happy and stable too - I am not worried about them at all. And as I said, all this criticism goes on when my partner and I are alone. My son is unaware of the situation. And my partner (we have been together for 11 years now so I think I am entitled to call him my partner) is certainly not morally bankrupt and neither does he have pygmy status with his children, two of whom have chosen to live with us. The problem is my partner's attitude to my son and I was looking for advice on how to approach this issue and not have to feel like I'm treading on ice all the time. I know and accept he will never love my son, and that teenagers can be selfish and loud, but I just wish he was more positive about and involved in his achievements (as I am with his children) and not so scathing in his criticism. I just want us to be a big happy family - am I unrealistic?

[Raymond]

It would have been very wrong of you to leave your children for him. Surely he can see that. He left his with a reasonable mother and anyway he seems to have arranged to live next door so he didn't really leave them. If you had have left yours they would have been destitute from the way you have described your ex husband. You wouldn't be you if you had left your children for him and some of the things he likes about you are wrapped up in that.

You have the moral ground here and he seems to have a problem with self worth that you didn't desert your children for him. Most people would commend you. I feel there is some character flaw there which we all have and you just have to live with him and persuade him otherwise if possible.

Pity that he cannot extend his love to your son as you have done for his children. That means that you have to protect your son all the more as he seems to be a target unfortunately.

Raymond