Spent day with the wife yesterday...

[912jws]

And hate to admit that we had a relatively good time as a family together.
The sad thing is although it was a nice day I don't know whether it would have been better not doing it as it has confused my feelings.
Firstly on Sunday we went to collect some park tickets together and although the conversation was not awe inspiring considering our separation we queued for about 45 minutes and chatted, I also found myself attracted to her(which I still am obviously), you know smelling her perfume, wanting to hold her(even though I know I couldn't) :(
Yesterday we agreed to spend the May day together as the village had a big event on so we watched the parade and went to the fete and had a few drinks, let the kids play, went to the pub for dinner, nice weather, chatted about quite a bit of stuff even though I think we are both a bit guarded in what we say to each other.
As some of you know I have felt like I am getting somewhere emotionally but the finances have been a strain and my wifes spending has been winding me up, the 50K hire car she has on the drive(only got it last week) was another thing that really wound me up whilst I am having to transport the kids around in a £500 15 year old car!
Another thing that has confused me and I am trying not to read anything into this is that when I left yesterday she said that she had a really nice time and we should do it again, I said back that 'I hate to admit it that it was a nice day' and she said don't say that( but she is not on the receiving end like i am!) and she leaned over and kissed me goodbye(on cheek) which she has not done in over 2 months.
Now i don't know whether she is being nice because she feels guilty about the car etc, or trying to be nice for other reasons to keep me sweet or she is just generally being nice becuse she had a nice day.
There was a part of me yesterday despite all the resentment that thought perhaps we could sort this out and perhaps there she felt the same but I think I am just kidding myself as I said to myself afterwards that during our conversation throughout the day she still talked about a future apart.
So like I say although it was a nice day I think it has confused me a little.

Any comments would be appreciated.

Jon.

[val100]

Same as you Jon,
H and i had to be together this wekend it was our daughters birthday.
I was so guarded on the saturday when we went out for dinner and then we took her to the park on sunday for a picnic it got cold and we went home the two of us sat and read the papers drinking coffe just talking and then we had a debate. Let me explain I studyed Sociology in uni and love a good debate on anything related he is one of the most intelligent people i know but we have such huge differences of opinions in somethings, we always found these debates great never a fight but always a good sometimes very intense sometimes hilariously funny part of our relationship.
It just came to us so naturally yesterday. we pulled back as we saw ourselves unfold with each other.
I loaded the kids up and asked him if we could chat, I couldn't help it, He walked into the kitchen and I said I need you to hold me he immediately did and he kissed me.
we held each other for ages.
I told him how confused I am. I asked ifwe could fix it, he didn't answer. I told him how sorry I am and he spoke about how he had also messed us up.
He said he thinks for now we should carry on as we are.
We held hands so tightly. I apologisd for bringing it all back up again and he said no that this was good.
He hugged and kissed me goodbye in front of the kids.
That night he text me and said he was so sorry 4 all the hurt and he said some lovely things about me
I am so confused..
I can't do anything because I know I want my family back but I don't know can he and I make it.
It is a year on and all that we know is that we can survive this and that we still love each other.
What could your wife do to convince you that your marriage can be saved?

[Raymond]

I know the question wasn't addressed to me Val, but let me ask do you think it can be saved? The picture I have of him is pretty bad and that you were better off without him, but is that the whole picture? What about the woman he was with? Is that finished or did he do it to get back at you?

You have both come through a lot and are both admitting failures. What is the barrier now? Is it him or you?

Raymond

[val100]

Hi Raymond,
Thanks for replying. I am so confused. I do love him he and I do get n but he is still a child but in the 5 months I have been away he has somewhat grown up.
I don't have answers to whether it can be saved because I am soscared of being hurt.
The other woman has gone, To the best of my knowledge he is on his own.
I believe that in time he and I could make it work my problem is will he do it.
The barrier now is him, he is scared. As am I but I am one of those that believes in going with the fear.
I am not driven by lonelyness or anything. My kidsmiss their dad terribly, I like my life here but I am missing this part of me that was him. I am attracted to him, I enjoy him, he makes me laugh. When he is good Raymond he is Fantastic. He plays dirty if we fight and sadly that turned Violent. He has done some really awful things but I see where he is trying to fix himself.
I am totally confused Raymond. I want and need answers which just aren't there.
There is a fantastic Marriage course happening near wher he lives we were going to go n it before but things just got too bad. It is on again this month I don't know whether to ask him again?
There is no part of me capable of hating him. Underneath all his crap is the most amazing man, He is an absolutely beautiful man but years of his own baggage have burried that.
At the moment he is that amazing manwhen he held me I felt so unbelievably safe.
I want to walk away but a year on and I just can't stop loving him.
I know I must sound mad but honestly I am really trying to take it slow and examine my head and heart and I always result into the same thing. I married him for better or for worse and he is the only man I love but why does it have to hurt loving him?

[Raymond]

Thank you for sharing with me Val. I understand where you are coming from. You feel as you do because you are still married to him. The fact that you can still talk and have discussions says a lot. You are both scared which shows humilty and a measuring of your actions that may not have been there before as much as it is now. You have both been through a lot and would have learned a lot. I find it quite touching that you are both scared of yourselves and so much want to do the right thing. People do develop in character. I did things at the beginning that I would never do now and I do things now that I should have done at the beginning, but you live and learn. I've no doubt you would be succesful from your side. I get a sense of your character from what you write. As for your husband I do not know him. The signs from the last meeting you had ogur well (where did I get that word from?). There are signs that he wants you but is not ready. He says he thinks things should remain as they are for now. Who knows whats in store up ahead? Neither of you are ever going to be perfect but if you have got on top of the main things, gulp! can one dare to hope? Take it slowly Val. Time may be doing you a service as he thinks over the mistakes that have happened. It can be a good and cleansing time that could lead to a better relationship up ahead. I think the door is half open from what I can see. Anything could happen. I think your desire to try again is good although you find it scary. It's got to be when he decides he is ready though. Not rushing is for your benefit as well as you have been hurt and don't want to put your head on the block without a good understanding in place, although I know that love is always a risk. Is there a way you can have the marriage course flyer posted to him anonymously?

912jws. Sorry to pinch your thread. These things happen sometimes. Don't mind us. Carry on if you like.

Raymond

[val100]

I am going to do nothing except work on our friendship. I am too confused to do anymore.
I find I am learning to control myself and realise that I cannot just fix things. Maybe it is over and if it is then I truely believe it is because something else is waiting for me in my life.
I hurt right now so maybe his counsellor is guiding him through this and coaching him on how to resolve all the bad stuff before he steps into our marriage again.
The words for now were so strong.
Raymond thanks so much for listening and saying what you think.
I need to slow right down and trust that life God who or whatever will take me to the better place. For now I am happy with my family and my home. My sadness is my own doing.
thanks again.

[Raymond]

I think all you can do is work on your friendship Val. What will be will be but you sure can do the right thing.

Out of Life, God, Who, or Whatever the second one is the best to trust. Life is his creation, who is unknown and whatever is nowhere. Unfortunately he is not in our lives until we ask the son in. Nothing to do with religion.

Raymond

[912jws]

No worries Raymond for pinching thread, I think thats how we get things off out chest in this place :)
Val, I admire your dedication to your husband considering the circumstances and the time apart and I think I would be confused, I know I have been recently , I have just dropped off my little boy to the house today, motherinlaw is over from France doing some babysitting as I had other plans and our childcare is visiting family for a few days. I have not spoken to MIL since christmas so I was a bit wary in what she was going to be like bearing in mind I have done nothing wrong but also the fact I don't have a clue what my wife has said to her about why we are seperated :confused: She was pretty normal TBH apart from just asking general q's about my new place etc, there were no questions or indication of how she felt about the whole thing? in some ways I would have expected her to have said something to my wife about the values of marraige etc having been married herself for 40 years but I don't have a clue?
One thing that has risen my blood pressure slightly is the 'man' staying over on Thursday night on the calendar and I have no idea who he is, also the fact the MIL is there and if this is a new boyfriend I don't think the kids have met him at all as his name has never been mentioned, now I might be reading into this too much but I would not invite someone to stay the night so soon after seperating especially if he has never been introduced to the kids b4? hey if i was him I would be petrified.
I am a bit wound up naturally and perhaps that is why she was being nice on Monday? I am also thinking of asking her who he is and that if she is seeing someone else that I want to file for divorce and that she need to admit it so it can be done quickly, i am saying this out of anger but also I think to say I am not going to be hanging around waiting for you to make your mistakes and good old Jon will be there to pick up the pieces :rolleyes:
perhaps I need this to bring me on to a new level as I feel in between emotions at the moment :confused:

[val100]

In my humble opinion it won't matter to you if she has met someone. It will cut through you like a knife, You will be furious and not really understand why, you will accept it one minute and the next you will hurt like never before. However it won't matter because at some point you will realise you still love her, You still want your family and actually Nothing has changed.

How do I know? Because it happenned to me. My H moved in with a girl within a week of leaving my house. He knew her, they went for a drink ended up drunk in her place and five months on was still there. In that 5 months he left her 3 times and came back to me. In the end I put a stop to them, he was hurting both of us, but both of them were hurting me and my kids. So I confronted her and told her what I though of her. I sometimes wonder are they together, is she in my bed etc but look we are seperated.
As you are aware I am no living a dull life so why is it ok for me and not for him. It stings when I think he will give her everything I asked him for and I am the one that deserves it. I gave him 4 beautiful kids, I stood by him everytime he messed up, I put him through uni, I bought the house he lives in. I am the reason he has everything he wants. So the fact that he will change his behaviour and be the man he should be for another woman kills me.
However as I said we are seperated and if tomorrow morning I met someone I will know he has had other women in his life etc so I look at my Husband in the same way if we do fix this it is no different. Am I making sense?

Here is a question, Who writes that on their calendar unless they want someone else to see it. Please please tell me you son wouldn't be in the house at the same time????
Anyway Jon, You really sound like a great guy and your wife just sounds like she needs to live a little. How about you and I just trust in life a bit and see where it takes us.
Try getting out a bit, maybe take a lady out for a drink, massage the ego a little.
We can be confused together jon

[912jws]

Hi Val,

I say I don't know if I could take someone back like you did but I did several years ago when she had this emotional affair, which is what I blame this whole situation on really, if she had not have done it I wouldn't have changed my feelings towards her and would have not looked for the reassurance on and off over the last couple of years and wound her up.
My friend said exactly the same thing as you about writing it on the calender, why did she need to do it, too soon if it is someone new to invite round the house, like I said both the kids/MIL and aupair will be home that night and thats the scary thing, I think I may post her the 'coping with divorce/seperation' book she bought us as she may need some tips :mad: even if she planned this before her mum was visiting you wouldn't write it down, do you think she's done it to guage a reaction from me? it might be the reason she changed her mums flights last minute so she can get her approval but even then I think its wrong and too soon :(
Do you think i am over reacting with forcing the divorce issue, I don't want her to think that I will be waiting in the wings whenever her life hits a low point which it is bound to do in time, at least I have confirmed I am not legally responsible for any money she is blowing out of her own accounts/cc's..phew!

Jon

Ps. What do you mean i have got to wait until June to take a lady out for a drink ;)

[val100]

ha ha I was a bit slow on the june /drink/lady.
Ah shucks.
Anyway yes you could just as I did and can. Of couse knowing as in our case we had both been with someone else made a difference and it would take time. Hurt has to go.

Got to say Jon I completelyt agree with you I am 100% sure that my marriage would not have ended the way it did had my H not had a 3 year emotional affair. I never recovered from her rubbing it in my face and him refusing to acknowledge what she was doing. when he didn't pay me attention I felt that hurt rise up again because I kept thinking how he would run to her but wouldn't put the playstation down for me.
It never really bothered me if they had slept together in the end it felt like they had. As for the woman he had an affair with I saw her as a total threat and I wasn't going to let another woman come into my family so I wth dignity anounced where she worked that off course I was going to call to her this is what happens when you sleep with my husband.
I later found out she has a taste for the married ones. I am not the first woman to have cause to knock on her door I am just the first to do it.

OOoh sorry I love telling that story.

I think your wife is testing you to see as she still got you.

I wouldn't bother rushing the divorce why do you need to???
if she wants one let her get the ball rolling. I am not one for rushing those papers through I think it is the least important thing to worry about. Then again we have to be seperated for 5 yrs here and have prove the marriage can't be fixed.

I like gin and tonic.


Don't get caught up in your wifes games or call her bluff, as soon as you get someone in your life she will freak

Was chating to my H last night and was telling a truly innocent story about a night I had been out. If I was telling him this story last year he would have loved it but his voice dropped and I could hear the fear in his voice.
I was telling him nothing the only man i mentioned in the story was my friends brother who is so far from being a threat.
It is too hard to let go for everybody

[912jws]

Morning Val, how are you doing?
I have a slight hangover this a.m due to going to someones leaving do last night, shame I had to come to work today as I left them heading into SoHo at midnight lastnight :rolleyes: It was a good night though.
I am going through the motions at the mo, it's more questioning why she is doing this, thinking is her life really going to be any better, that said person is probably well off if he works with her and that everything seems rosey on her front because she has all that she wants, I know a lot of it is probably false and obviously I don't know what she really feels at the moment, also all of this is making me accept that our relationship is probably over over and thats what hits home and thats why I was thinking about the divorce and what benefits are there of being married at the moment from my perspective? I guess a bit of it is me being pi$$ed off and wanting to guage a reaction from her and to see what she says, I mean what benefit does it serve for her being married to me?, why haven't you divorced out of interest Val, is it because of the hassle or is it because there is a bit of you hoping something might change for better, I won't deny that's why I have not broached the subject because of hope but I just feel at the moment my wife has been getting everything her own way considering all she's put me through emotionally and financially and I want to take a stance.
On the subject of my emotions I am questioning could she make me happy again and I think possibly not, I wasn't really happy over the last couple of years due to the lack of emotional input into the relationship, in fact the last time I was really happy was prior to the affair 5 years ago :rolleyes: I am also not feeling that bad being on my own, I do really miss having someone there to share things with and to show some affection to but I know that will come eventually, it just seems like its been a lifetime though rather than 6 months!
I think I am getting somewhere, yes I will still get wound up if there is someone else but I just need to accept it, the most important thing from my perspective is that the kids don't get mucked around and that she uses some common sense hopefully, i'll keep you posted on that one though.

Anyway have a good weekend, I am working all weekend for my sins :rolleyes:

Jon

[val100]

Hi Jon,

I am glad you had a good night out, sorry about the hangover. i am also working the weekend it is a bummer but this is my second last hopefully.

You asked why we haven't got a divorce. In irish law you haev to wait 5 yearsd before you can file for a divorce and also swear that you have tried everything to fix it.
The other reason is I don't see the need or point of us divorcing. A divorce won't stop us from loving each other or getting back together. It is painful and expensive so I am in no hurry. We can get a legal seperation but neither he nor I want one.
We jokingly spoke about it on the phone the other day he didn't want to talk about it.
I don't want to cry or be upset anymore. I suppose we will get one if and when we meet other people but for now we live seperate lives anyway.
He and I are getting on so well how long it will last who knows.
You will be ok just as I will and everybody else who uses this forum. Tomorrow is another day.